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AIBU?

Am I mad to want another baby before leaving my husband?

304 replies

DisneyBaby · 12/04/2021 00:07

My husband and I have been very up and down throughout our whole relationship, he's always been lazy and not much help around the house, he has a gambling problem which has resulted in trust issues and he can have a bit of a temper with me at times too.
We have been together 10 years, married 4 and have a 15 month old daughter. I have always wanted 3/4 children close together in age so they would have a close bond like my sisters and I had growing up. But I am now pretty certain after deliberating about it for several years, that I want to leave my husband. I do believe I can do better, and a lot of friends and family have told me the same.
I worry that I wouldn't meet someone new straight away and I think about my daughter growing up with no siblings close in age, and it makes me think... Should I just stay for a few months longer and have baby number two so that my daughter will have a playmate, or is that totally stupid? As much as I would love another baby myself, this decision is more based around her, if I were to be a single Mum she wouldn't have someone else to play with at home and that breaks my heart.. Surely I can't be the only person who has thought or planned such a thing??? Am I crazy?

OP posts:

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Enidblyton1 · 12/04/2021 00:29

You’re not crazy to have this brief thought.
You would be crazy to go through with it.

secular39 · 12/04/2021 00:30

I get the temptation and I know of a few people who have done this. Mainly because they want their children to have the same dad (I'm shocked that some of the posters here seem surprised). But what happens, is that, once the new baby is born, you start becoming attached to your DH again, you would then think "maybe this could work out?", the relationship prolongs a bit (too long for your liking). Once the novelty of a new baby wores off, your relationship begins to crack and you begin to notice (again) the reasons why you don't like your DH and want to leave. During this period, you've probably spent an extra three years staying with a man you don't love/like anymore.

Why do you want to put yourself through that? Why can't you just take your one child, and live your life? Meet a new man of your dreams, explore the world, not the drudgery that your experiencing in your relationship. A new baby is just going to tie you down again.

1Morewineplease · 12/04/2021 00:32

No matter how awful your partner is, no matter that you want to leave him, what you are contemplating is repulsive.

It's not fair on your partner and not fair on your subsequent child.

This is tantamount to abusing him.
I expect, that if he knew of your plan that he would walk away himself.

AlwaysLatte · 12/04/2021 00:33

I can't believe anyone would even consider that.

Crazybirdlady · 12/04/2021 00:33

Sent you a pm

GreyhoundG1rl · 12/04/2021 00:35

What an dreadfully grubby thing to consider. Shame on you.

masterofthechef · 12/04/2021 00:36

i know someone like you, fell for the local sperm donor, got pregnant he didn't stay or contribute, a couple of years later she wants another child so basically throws herself at him so that the kids can be "real" siblings!!
You KNOW this is madness,

Kokeshi123 · 12/04/2021 00:42

As much as I would love another baby myself, this decision is more based around her, if I were to be a single Mum she wouldn't have someone else to play with at home and that breaks my heart

OP, if you are planning to leave your husband, you need to be getting a job, if you do not have one already. Your daughter will have plenty of other children at daycare as her companions. She doesn't need a playmate at home too. And most close-in-age sibling do not float around beautifully playing together and keeping each out of trouble--they scream and fight and hit each other over the head with toys.

Babyroobs · 12/04/2021 00:42

@masterofthechef

i know someone like you, fell for the local sperm donor, got pregnant he didn't stay or contribute, a couple of years later she wants another child so basically throws herself at him so that the kids can be "real" siblings!!
You KNOW this is madness,

Exactly what my cousin did, although about five years down the line form the first !!

RevolvingPivot · 12/04/2021 00:42

I'm surprised at these responses. I get you want more children close in age and preferably with the same father.

Having no kids and getting pregnant deliberately knowing you were leaving is one thing but I don't see how having another will make much of a difference. It's not your fault your husband is lazy.

AnotherSunrise · 12/04/2021 00:44

Yes

RevolvingPivot · 12/04/2021 00:45

@masterofthechef

i know someone like you, fell for the local sperm donor, got pregnant he didn't stay or contribute, a couple of years later she wants another child so basically throws herself at him so that the kids can be "real" siblings!!
You KNOW this is madness,

That nothing like this situation

GreyhoundG1rl · 12/04/2021 00:45

It's not your fault your husband is lazy.
And the relevance of this is?

Cocksinsocks · 12/04/2021 00:48

Yabu to consider leaving your partner because you think you can 'do better'. Never leave someone in the hope of finding someone else. Only leave if you think you'd be happier alone. Maybe forever.

Also don't do this. Nuts

AlexaShutUp · 12/04/2021 00:52

Terrible idea, OP. Please don't do this.

user64325 · 12/04/2021 00:56

I knew what the responses would be before I read them. But I am prepared to speak up and say I don't think this is the worst idea. Definitely worth considering.

Twoforthree · 12/04/2021 00:59

I don't think yabu for wanting it. I can see why it would work for you BUT it's totally unfair on your husband. You really can't do this.

Twoforthree · 12/04/2021 00:59

Oh and a lot of siblings fight like cat and dog.

redtshirt50 · 12/04/2021 01:00

My friend did this.

Yes, it's extremely selfish but she's happy she did it. Her kids are great friends and I think she is much happier now than she would have been with one child.

Gothichouse40 · 12/04/2021 01:01

Not fair on the child.

Famousinlove · 12/04/2021 01:02

This would only be ok if your DH knew you were going to leave when you got pregnant

ConstantlyChanging · 12/04/2021 01:06

An unpopular opinion but I think that this would probably make sense. Even if they fight as kids, your daughter will value having a sibling later on. If you have a kid with someone else they will be half siblings and she will have a step parent who is parent to her sibling and not her, and that situation is just a misery for everyone. Best if she has a full sibling and they can both enjoy a part time relationship with their dad which he can hopefully pull himself together enough to make a success of.

Not sure about your 'do better' comments though because that sounds like you are planning to pursue another relationship, which I do think would be a bit awful with two small children.

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IHateWinter88 · 12/04/2021 01:06

You are potentially tieing yourself to him for another 2-3 years. By which time you'll be older and much more tired and with 2 kids. Your chances of meeting a new man are even lower.

secular39 · 12/04/2021 01:19

@ConstantlyChanging

An unpopular opinion but I think that this would probably make sense. Even if they fight as kids, your daughter will value having a sibling later on. If you have a kid with someone else they will be half siblings and she will have a step parent who is parent to her sibling and not her, and that situation is just a misery for everyone. Best if she has a full sibling and they can both enjoy a part time relationship with their dad which he can hopefully pull himself together enough to make a success of.

Not sure about your 'do better' comments though because that sounds like you are planning to pursue another relationship, which I do think would be a bit awful with two small children.

I understand this. But there is no regard to OP's own happiness. Yes, she would be happy in the sense that her kid will have a sibling.. a "true" one. But would she truly be happy (for herself). I firmly believe the more kids you have with someone, the more tied down you are with them. Imagine having 3 plus kids in a dead relationship but the man (often the case) can just go off and form a new relationship with another person and pretend that their previous family did not exist. This does happen but it depends on the man and I don't think OP should base her decision on this.

It would be great if OP can stay with her husband, or have a full sibling for her Child. But life doesn't always work out like that..

leli · 12/04/2021 01:24

I did this 30 plus years ago. Not quite the same in that I really hoped things would work out with my ex but I knew that there was a risk we wouldn't stay together. I really wanted to have another baby and I wanted my first child to have a sibling with the same father so I got on with it. I didn't leave him, he left me when my youngest was 4. Neither of us have regretted either child. My ex went on to have more children in a second marriage, I didn't. Funnily enough, although I am now married to someone else, I miss my ex and we are on very good terms.

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