Am I mad to want another baby before leaving my husband?

[DisneyBaby]

My husband and I have been very up and down throughout our whole relationship, he's always been lazy and not much help around the house, he has a gambling problem which has resulted in trust issues and he can have a bit of a temper with me at times too.
We have been together 10 years, married 4 and have a 15 month old daughter. I have always wanted 3/4 children close together in age so they would have a close bond like my sisters and I had growing up. But I am now pretty certain after deliberating about it for several years, that I want to leave my husband. I do believe I can do better, and a lot of friends and family have told me the same.
I worry that I wouldn't meet someone new straight away and I think about my daughter growing up with no siblings close in age, and it makes me think... Should I just stay for a few months longer and have baby number two so that my daughter will have a playmate, or is that totally stupid? As much as I would love another baby myself, this decision is more based around her, if I were to be a single Mum she wouldn't have someone else to play with at home and that breaks my heart.. Surely I can't be the only person who has thought or planned such a thing??? Am I crazy?

@DisneyBaby

I get the temptation and I know of a few people who have done this. Mainly because they want their children to have the same dad

Exactly this, I would feel much better about my daughter heading off for a weekend away with her Dad etc if she had a sibling with her too so that they have each other.

And my sister and I got on like a dream when we were younger and still do now, so not all kids bicker and fight over toys...

And not all get on, you have no way of knowing.

Are you going to discuss this with your husband, or just go ahead and give him 18 years of spending on a child that he was duped into fathering?

If you deceive him about this then you are really low as well as monumentally selfish.

[quote Likeohmygod]@jacks11

I get it which is why I said i would discuss with partner if I were her.
I don't get on with my dp and actually have a lot of resentment towards him but if I only had one dc I would seriously consider having another with him so that my dc had a sibling. However I wouldn't do it behind their back I would make sure they agreed.
I think it's selfish if ops dp doesn't have a clue what's going on but wanting dc to have the same dad is a wise decision in my opinion. And that's just MY opinion and I'm aware a lot of people won't like it.[/quote]
If your DP was aware and on board with it, it's way more acceptable (but not ideal) than what the OP is proposing.

In fact, OP. Why do your children have to have the same father?

Go down the sperm donor route and then your feckless DH won't have to fork out for another child.

Maybe he could do better himself. By not marrying such a user next time.

I'm kinda thinking aloud here.

You've already got one child whose father is allegedly feckless, lazy and a waste of space.
Why would you want to inflict him on another child?

Most of us plan our families with someone we love and respect.

No OP you're not crazy just really evil. hth

he has a gambling problem which has resulted in trust issues and he can have a bit of a temper with me at times too.*
*
Is this who you dreamed of as the father to your children?

WTAF?!

This cannot be for real, surely?

If it is, you need your head examined!

Absolutely ridiculous.

This is one of the worst things I've ever read on this site.

@Drunkenmonkey

To those saying it's really selfish. Do you feel the same about a single parent adopting or going through IVF alone? Not trying to argue, just genuinely interested.

No, it’s not the same. The main issue for me here is that the OP is exploiting, using and abusing the DH, without his knowledge or consent.

There's a 50/50 chance they won't get on with each other for a start.

And even if your husband is a feckless waste of space, this is pretty cruel.

I think this is totally wrong and unfair on everyone involved. Are you going to tell your husband about your underhand tactics ??

To those saying it's really selfish. Do you feel the same about a single parent adopting or going through IVF alone?

As otherwise said, it's deceitful. It's also inflicting a break up on a child on purpose. And dragging it out which could potentially make it worse for the child they already have who will be older and more used to living with daddy by then. Most separated parents think of their DC's feelings and wellbeing in the process of separating and try to do it in a way that mitigates the upset, not exacerbate it.

I actually think it could be harder on the child being conceived via IVF with no chance of ever knowing their father or heritage, VS being born with both a mother and father that happened to separate. I agree that the deceit to her husband is unfair but I actually think if both children are well cared for and loved, they would potentially be very happy having a sibling and parents that they both share together and an opportunity to have a relationship with both parents.

I wish there were a vote on this one! I think do it. Very lonely to be the only child of divorced parents.

You are selfish and unreasonable.

Something else to consider, OP, in your fantasy where "someone better" comes along and just can't wait to shack up with you and your kids. No matter what anyone says, men don't view someone else's kids as a plus when deciding whether to enter a relationship. Having two will make that less likely than having just one. Not just because he doesn't want to deal with your kids, but because he'll probably want a kid or two of his own. But if you've already got two, then having one or two of his own means he functionally has to deal with raising three or four, which is a lot - more than most people want. You're really limiting your options for this happily ever after you've constructed in your head by having another kid.

(Yeah, these reasons pale in comparison to the ones everyone else has posted, but OP doesn't seem interested in what's good for anyone except herself.)

The sooner you leave your husband the less of an impact the family break up will have on your daughter.

@VodkaSlimline

I wish there were a vote on this one! I think do it. Very lonely to be the only child of divorced parents.

What shite. The argument for having children so that existing children have siblings is very thin at the best of times - being an only child is rarely lonely. You can be just as lonely with siblings

@PurpleOkapi

Something else to consider, OP, in your fantasy where "someone better" comes along and just can't wait to shack up with you and your kids. No matter what anyone says, men don't view someone else's kids as a plus when deciding whether to enter a relationship. Having two will make that less likely than having just one. Not just because he doesn't want to deal with your kids, but because he'll probably want a kid or two of his own. But if you've already got two, then having one or two of his own means he functionally has to deal with raising three or four, which is a lot - more than most people want. You're really limiting your options for this happily ever after you've constructed in your head by having another kid.

(Yeah, these reasons pale in comparison to the ones everyone else has posted, but OP doesn't seem interested in what's good for anyone except herself.)

Absolutely agree with this. Actually heard this said in some form by men quite a few times. And having brought up an only child to the age of 16 as a single mum, she most definitely didn't feel lonely or like she was missing out. And it was so much easier building a life alone with only the one child to look after.

Personally I wouldn’t.

But I know two people who have. One in a very similar situation like you. She had a rough few years, met someone else and had two more kids. But her older two were a bit messed up by having a rubbish dad and eventually she stopped contact when he put newspaper on the bed in case the toddler wet herself at night 🙁

The other person ended up staying with her husband far longer than she should and is now going through a horrible divorce and the kids are really impacted.

Neither would say they regret it, but their lives could have been better.

She had a rough few years, met someone else and had two more kids. But her older two were a bit messed up by having a rubbish dad and eventually she stopped contact when he put newspaper on the bed in case the toddler wet herself at night 🙁
She met someone and had two more kids while the original ones were still toddlers?

I wanted more than one child

But it would not have benefitted my sons just because i wanted this

Think about providing a good and secure life for the child you have

Am I mad to want another baby before leaving my husband?

Yes

@GreyhoundG1rl no, she met him when her youngest was 4 after a couple of wild years. There is a seven year gap between her second and third, and seven between her third and fourth.