Am I mad to want another baby before leaving my husband?

[DisneyBaby]

My husband and I have been very up and down throughout our whole relationship, he's always been lazy and not much help around the house, he has a gambling problem which has resulted in trust issues and he can have a bit of a temper with me at times too.
We have been together 10 years, married 4 and have a 15 month old daughter. I have always wanted 3/4 children close together in age so they would have a close bond like my sisters and I had growing up. But I am now pretty certain after deliberating about it for several years, that I want to leave my husband. I do believe I can do better, and a lot of friends and family have told me the same.
I worry that I wouldn't meet someone new straight away and I think about my daughter growing up with no siblings close in age, and it makes me think... Should I just stay for a few months longer and have baby number two so that my daughter will have a playmate, or is that totally stupid? As much as I would love another baby myself, this decision is more based around her, if I were to be a single Mum she wouldn't have someone else to play with at home and that breaks my heart.. Surely I can't be the only person who has thought or planned such a thing??? Am I crazy?

[asifnothinghappened]

LikeABundleOfHay

The glaring absence of any concern for ethics in this relationship might be a reason why you say you feel lonely? This is no way to treat people!

[LikeABundleOfHay]

I don't think it's selfish to consider this. I'm a single mum to an only. It's can be very quiet and lonely just being 2 of us in the house. Every meal just us 2, running out of conversation. We see friends but there's so much empty time in between. I work and use childcare so DD feels passed around. It would be much harder for me to have 2 children but it would be a happier family environment.
Having a 2nd with your husband would be much kinder to your first child than forcing a step dad and half sibling into the mix. As another pp said, you would potentially feel time pressure to find a new partner and make a bad decision in the rush. Better to have your family first, spend some time single then calmly find a partner just for you, with no aim to have more children.
That being said, it's only doable if you're financial stable and have people who can babysit regularly.

[imalmostthere]

It's funny how you say you could do better. He definitely could after reading your post.

[Troyhelena]

Yes it’s stupid. Having another child with a man you’re planning on leaving just so your kid has a ‘playmate’ is a ridiculous idea. Second/third children should be wanted for themselves, not just so that their older sibling has company

[Ionacat]

There’s a lot of harsh comments on the debate but have you asked yourself the following?
How long are you going to TTC for? 6 months? A year? Secondary infertility isn’t uncommon.
What if your DC2 has special needs?
How are you going to feel if you stayed for the sake of another sibling and your DC don’t get on?
What is the risk to your mental health if you stay another 2 years or so in this relationship?
What will be the affect on DD of staying in this relationship? Witnessing temper, arguing atmosphere.
At what point are you going to be able to feel you can leave with a baby? And take into account visiting your DH.

What it comes down to is that you’re thinking about gambling. You are thinking of gambling your future happiness in favour of a biological close in age sibling to your DD, which might not happen. I would think very carefully about the above questions and if you think about the above is it a gamble worth taking? But think about your relationship with your DH who is a gambler, this isn’t money that he gambles with. This is your future, your happiness and your DD’s happiness.

[WindyPudding]

My mum put pressure on me and my siblings to be best friends. It was awful and we are still not close. Remember you can’t control how siblings will feel about each other so even if you do this, you could just end up not making your dd any happier.

[KitBiscuit]

This is what's wrong with the world. Poor children...

[JustAnotherOldMan]

What would happen if your current husband doesn’t want another child with you.
Would you still leave as you currently planned timeframes

[HotTomatoes]

Bonkers.

I know a few people who have done this and it has never worked out well for the woman in particular.

[Mygardenisnotperfect]

Basically if you end up being put up for adoption in the UK then thing shave gone seriously seriously badly wrong at home somewhere or the needs of the child through no fault of their own are so great that even their own parents can’t cope with them. There aren’t generally people putting children up for adoption as they don’t want them but feel it would be wrong to have a termination any more.

[Mygardenisnotperfect]

HavelockVetinari you are so right in what you say about children up for adoption in the UK. I think people who haven’t really looked into this seriously think we’re still in the 1960s/70s when abortion was much less common and when social services were more likely to think a young child might do better away from parents who aren’t great but aren’t out and out raging child abusers, rather than supporting children to stay with their parents if it’s at all possible. I really wanted to adopt as a single parent after divorcing in just the situation the OP describes, where I had one child and wanted more but also knew I wanted out of the marriage (my ex was abusive). I didn’t think it was fair to bring another child into an already broken relationship and I’m very glad I didn’t as my ex had made my life and my child’s life absolute hell for long after we divorced. It would have been even more of a nightmare and even more financially stressful with two kids. At the same time I feel desperately sad for myself and my child that there are no siblings and I’m getting to the stage of life where it’s probably too late now even if I did meet someone else, which I’d hoped I might do before now. Hence I was looking into adopting alone but ultimately decided like you did that it’s just impossible if there are significant additional needs which I would struggle to cope with emotionally and financially as I still would have to work as a single parent to provide financially for my child/children, and how could I do that if I have a child in a wheelchair at home on PEG feeds etc needing 24/7 care? Or a completely traumatised child who can’t cope with me being out of the house? It’s just not practical unfortunately.

[Glitterandglow]

Hi OP I understand that you really want another DC but having an only child is not the end of the world!

I keep deleting and re writing trying to find a kinder way to put this but basically no I think it’s a really bad idea. I’m a single parent I hate it it’s bloody hard and I hate seeing my child have little to no contact with her dad it hurts her so much. Your STBX may be a great co parenting Dad but you actually never know how men will react after the split whether they will keep to their parenting responsibilities or not but I can assure you YOU will be the one doing everything if he suddenly decides he doesn’t want to and that would be so hard on you with a baby and young child. PLUS add on having to go through an emotional divorce.

If your not happy just leave him it’s not fair to knowingly plan to bring a child into an unhappy marriage or a divorce in my opinion.
I hope things work out for you.

[RevolvingPivot]

@GreyhoundG1rl

It's not your fault your husband is lazy.
And the relevance of this is?

That was one of the only reason she wants to leave him that I could remember. I didn't read the gambling / lack of trust points).

[letsmakethishappen]

If it’s really important to you do it you don’t need anyone’s approval

[Nanny0gg]

The more I think about it the more I cannot believe the selfishness of the OP.

[asifnothinghappened]

See how he feels about it, he might actually think it's a good idea.

I think he'll be dealing with his feelings about being left, don't you?

[FoxgloveBee]

I know someone who did this. Absolutely bonkers. Don't do it, it's a terrible idea.

[givemesteel]

@HavelockVetinari thank you, kind of you to acknowledge that he is a shit. Unfortunately I doubt karma will catch up with him as he's charming and had a very good job so he'll be ok

[Drunkenmonkey]

@GreyhoundG1rl I really don't think we know enough to be able to guess. I can't imagine he is happy in the marriage either. What we do know is that the marriage is very up and down, that he's lazy and has a gambling problem. Does that sound like someone who is happy?
It's unusual for one person to be miserable and the other to think it's a bed of roses.

I think it's much fairer to be upfront and say you're not certain about the future of the marriage than to have a child and just dump him out the blue. He might really want another child too and might want to change and make more of an effort.

[Gazelda]

So your DD has formed a relationship with her DF. Maybe they're close.
The next baby will not have that same bond.
They will both be conscious that they have differing relationships with their DF.
Why would you put them through that simply so that your DD isn't an only.
Why would you put your H through that manipulation?

[GreyhoundG1rl]

[quote Drunkenmonkey]@asifnothinghappened we actually don't know very much about this man at all. Just because he is a lazy husband it doesn't mean he is a bad dad. I actually think I would discuss things with my husband in these circumstances.
Explain that I'd like another child and a sibling for our current child but am uncertain about the future of the marriage. See how he feels about it, he might actually think it's a good idea. We are lacking a lot of info from the OP.[/quote]
What are the chances he'll actually think it's a good idea?
The poor bastard doesn't even know she's planning to leave him yet!

[Drunkenmonkey]

@asifnothinghappened we actually don't know very much about this man at all. Just because he is a lazy husband it doesn't mean he is a bad dad. I actually think I would discuss things with my husband in these circumstances.
Explain that I'd like another child and a sibling for our current child but am uncertain about the future of the marriage. See how he feels about it, he might actually think it's a good idea. We are lacking a lot of info from the OP.

[asifnothinghappened]

I agree that the deceit to her husband is unfair but I actually think if both children are well cared for and loved

What are the chances this man will love and care for a child conceived in these circumstances. He may have both children as he can't have one without the other but I doubt he's going to treat the younger sibling well.

[HavelockVetinari]

@givemesteel

Maybe I can give another perspective from the other side...

My husband recently left me with 3 very young DC. From what he says it very much sounds like he was intending to leave when we were trying for DC 3 (we both wanted 3 and we had wanted to try for a boy, which we got by chance).

Imagine how used I feel now, I feel like a brood mare.

Also, trust me your chances of meeting someone else are higher without multiple children in tow. I doubt anyone will be much interested in "taking on" me with my three (even though financially they are very well provided for).

My husband goes on about how he's been unhappy "for years", basically since we had kids. I love the bones of all my dc and can't imagine life without them but I do think about how much easier it would be for me to move on if we had only had dc1 together then split up.

Hopefully I can be a cautionary take against doing what you're thinking of doing.

What an utter shit your husband is. I hope karma bites him in the arse.

[HavelockVetinari]

@lms2017

There's hundreds of children out there needing adoption .

ODFOD with that comment - us infertile folk are often treated to it. Why don't/didn't YOU adopt if it's so brilliant? The reason I didn't is because almost all children available for adoption will have suffered extreme trauma and will very likely have significant additional needs which make parenting them far more difficult. I feel that I'd struggle to cope with the dual facts of additional needs AND a non-biological child not parented from birth, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

OP - what you're considering is utterly wrong, not only to your H but also to your DD and potential future child. Do not do it, it's utterly abhorrent.