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Original poster

Am I mad to want another baby before leaving my husband?

304 replies

DisneyBaby · 12/04/2021 00:07

My husband and I have been very up and down throughout our whole relationship, he's always been lazy and not much help around the house, he has a gambling problem which has resulted in trust issues and he can have a bit of a temper with me at times too.
We have been together 10 years, married 4 and have a 15 month old daughter. I have always wanted 3/4 children close together in age so they would have a close bond like my sisters and I had growing up. But I am now pretty certain after deliberating about it for several years, that I want to leave my husband. I do believe I can do better, and a lot of friends and family have told me the same.
I worry that I wouldn't meet someone new straight away and I think about my daughter growing up with no siblings close in age, and it makes me think... Should I just stay for a few months longer and have baby number two so that my daughter will have a playmate, or is that totally stupid? As much as I would love another baby myself, this decision is more based around her, if I were to be a single Mum she wouldn't have someone else to play with at home and that breaks my heart.. Surely I can't be the only person who has thought or planned such a thing??? Am I crazy?

OP posts:
Sstrongtn · 12/04/2021 08:25

I would.

He doesn’t deserve much respect anyway and you’re right leaving and trying to find someone else or using a donor or adoption (lol at that poster who things a single mother adopting is quick or easy!!). Better for the kids to have the same dad.

So yes I probably would get pregnant then leave if I wanted my child to have a sibling with less complications.

Regeisthebest · 12/04/2021 08:26

@Sugarbelle did you read the rest of my post? The next 3 paragraphs all say I think it’s a bad idea...

ladygindiva · 12/04/2021 08:28

No no no. Its really doable to be a single mum of one, affordable nursery fees, time etc and a zillion times harder with 2. Plus you're waaay more likely to meet someone else sooner if you only have the one child. Also my eldest dd loved being an only. I left her dad when she was 1.5 and had a wonderful few years, dating, making friends, studying, would have been harder with 2. Eventually met Mr right. Had two more dc but she was 18 when they came along. If you're going to be a single mum don't make it harder!

Sugarbelle · 12/04/2021 08:28

@Regeisthebest the rest of your paragraphs are irrelevant when you are saying people are giving the poster hard time and that she isnt a horrible person to consider doing this. it is horrible for everyone involved, her husband, her current child and any future potential children.

FurierTransform · 12/04/2021 08:29

I think consciously having a baby with a partner who you know you are going to shortly separate from is an awful thing to do.

Jennylou88 · 12/04/2021 08:29

Going against the popular opinion here but I think as long as he's aware and in agreement then I can see the appeal of this!

jacks11 · 12/04/2021 08:30

However poor a partner he is, he deserves to be able to make an informed choice about whether or not you try to conceive another child. That means understanding that you don’t actually want another child with him and so he is no more than a sperm donor who you plan to dump the minute you’ve got what you want from him. As you don’t seem to be planning do tell him any of that, what you propose is truly manipulative. I would go as far as abusive. He may not be the nicest person or a good partner, but frankly I’m not convinced you are either.

It also runs the risk of damaging your children’s relationship with their father. I imagine it may make co-parenting difficult too. Is that really what you want for your children?

The fact that other women have done it before does not make it right. Just because you want something does not mean you are entitled to it and entitled get it by any means necessary.

Either attempt to sort your marriage out so that you as a couple are in a good place to have another child, or, if you don’t want to work on it/feel that the marriage is genuinely over, then end your marriage and move on with dignity.

I’m not just sticking the boot in and being harsh, as a pp suggests. I genuinely think what you are suggesting is very wrong- to your husband, and to your child(ren).

sst1234 · 12/04/2021 08:31

Of all the advice OP received, the bit that resonated with her was about kids heading off together at weekends and how it would be lovely if they were full siblings.
I feel sorry for OPs kid/s if she has such limited cognitive ability to see the problem here.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 12/04/2021 08:32

@DisneyBaby

I get the temptation and I know of a few people who have done this. Mainly because they want their children to have the same dad

Exactly this, I would feel much better about my daughter heading off for a weekend away with her Dad etc if she had a sibling with her too so that they have each other.

And my sister and I got on like a dream when we were younger and still do now, so not all kids bicker and fight over toys...

So having read all the posts that say how bad an idea it is, this is the one you respond to.

It's an awful idea. At least own the fact you are doing it for you. It's not for your child as you say, that's just an excuse.

If you do this, you are a terrible person.

goodbyeyellowbrick · 12/04/2021 08:34

I'd say no because he has a temper. A few years after me and my ex had split (we have a DD), we discussed having another baby as although we were split up we co parented really well and we would have liked our daughter to have a sibling. It never ended up happening which is fine and my DD is an only child and she is absolutely fine not having a sibling to play with. I actually love having just the one now.

SelkieIntegrated · 12/04/2021 08:36

It's true that society will judge you more if your children have different Dads, in theory. But if you were to financially recover from your first relationship and then have another child, I think if you knew it was right and you knew you were financially secure then you'd be better at tuning out what others' thought. I was more susceptible to that when my dc were small.

There is a lot of judgment, unless you're in a family, first marriage, dc all ''joint' dc, there will be judgment but don't let society's judgement make you do something that will make your life harder.

Also @DisneyBaby if you're even still reading, I think women who've had a baby in the last three years are still in that baby making hormonal haze. Let your child get to three and you'll be thinking, omg, never going back!!

Worldwide2 · 12/04/2021 08:37

This is a terrible idea. More for the fact you are deliberately making your husband a dad again with the knowledge of upping and leaving.
Swap it around.
If a man went in happily for a baby got partner pregnant then left her after the baby was born admitting he had that planned all along. Does that not sound disgusting to you?
It's incredibly selfish of you. Your not thinking of the baby your just thinking about what you want. I hope you don't get pregnant for everyone's sake.

Histrionicz · 12/04/2021 08:39

he has a temper

You want to deliberately saddle another child with an aggressive lazy twat for a father? Go you. Hmm FFS.

jacks11 · 12/04/2021 08:39

Also, if he is as horrible a person as you say- why would you want that for any more children? To be forever tied to someone you actively dislike and think is an unpleasant person is one thing for you- but having an unpleasant and lazy/feckless/untrustworthy father is no picnic for a child.

Is he a good father? If not, why would you purposefully seek to inflict that on your child? If he is, why would you want to endanger the relationship he has with his daughter by tricking him in this way which is highly likely to lead to friction between you which will not help your children.

I think you need to admit this is about your desire for another child and not so much about what is best for your current child, never mind a subsequent one.

dizzycatdance2 · 12/04/2021 08:41

Flip it , scenario : couple m,f.

M doesn't want to stay in relationship but wants another dc for his first DC.

F thinks the relationship is solid as M wants another dc. F has unprotected sex based on that lie but wouldn't want another child if knew relationship is ending.

That's non-consensual sex.

SushiYum · 12/04/2021 08:43

@DisneyBaby

I get the temptation and I know of a few people who have done this. Mainly because they want their children to have the same dad

Exactly this, I would feel much better about my daughter heading off for a weekend away with her Dad etc if she had a sibling with her too so that they have each other.

And my sister and I got on like a dream when we were younger and still do now, so not all kids bicker and fight over toys...

Both of your comments show how selfish and stupid you’re being. You evidently just care about yourself. Just break up with your husband and move on. Why force your DD to continue to grow up with bickering parents just so you can have another child? Your poor DD.

It’s not guaranteed that siblings that are close in age have a good relationship. More often than not, there’s rivalry and competition and fights. Some siblings are close growing up, but hardly speak as adults.

Aposterhasnoname · 12/04/2021 08:44

Fuck me, I’ve read some messed up shit on here but this takes the prize.

Hopdathelf · 12/04/2021 08:47

I know it’s about seven pages and hundreds of posts back, but for the person who chipped in by saying hundreds of kids out there waiting to be adopted...is this the sort of person you think is a good candidate as an adoptive parent? Puts their own wants above all else, manipulative, selfish?

skirk64 · 12/04/2021 08:47

This has got to be a wind up, nobody would deliberately create a child with a man they were going to leave, would they? I get that "accidents" happen and people can be coerced into having sex with someone they are trying to get away from, but to deliberately try to?

Unbe-fucking-lievable.

SushiYum · 12/04/2021 08:48

@jacks11 However poor a partner he is, he deserves to be able to make an informed choice about whether or not you try to conceive another child. That means understanding that you don’t actually want another child with him and so he is no more than a sperm donor who you plan to dump the minute you’ve got what you want from him. As you don’t seem to be planning do tell him any of that, what you propose is truly manipulative. I would go as far as abusive.

I agree!

NoSquirrels · 12/04/2021 08:50

Please don’t do this, OP.

You say you’re thinking of your DD, which I understand.

But you’re NOT thinking about the baby who will be conceived with just one purpose, to be a sibling. It’s not fair.

You know this man is lazy and ‘has a temper’. He’s a gambler, so I wouldn’t count on much child maintenance long-term.

Don’t saddle another child with him for a father.

You’re not a bad person to want the sort of family and sibling relationship you grew up with, but we just don’t all get that choice.

Leave, give your DD a great childhood, work on your own boundaries before you get involved with another man. Good luck.

Regeisthebest · 12/04/2021 08:52

@NoSquirrels

Please don’t do this, OP.

You say you’re thinking of your DD, which I understand.

But you’re NOT thinking about the baby who will be conceived with just one purpose, to be a sibling. It’s not fair.

You know this man is lazy and ‘has a temper’. He’s a gambler, so I wouldn’t count on much child maintenance long-term.

Don’t saddle another child with him for a father.

You’re not a bad person to want the sort of family and sibling relationship you grew up with, but we just don’t all get that choice.

Leave, give your DD a great childhood, work on your own boundaries before you get involved with another man. Good luck.

@NoSquirrels you summed up perfectly what I was trying to say. If you read nothing else @DisneyBaby, read this
CounsellorTroi · 12/04/2021 08:54

It's an awful idea. At least own the fact you are doing it for you. It's not for your child as you say, that's just an excuse.

This. You want to leave your husband but you also want another baby and don’t want to risk not meeting someone else. You want it both ways.

Pupster21 · 12/04/2021 08:58

Totally unfair on the unborn child.

Tal45 · 12/04/2021 08:59

So you're going to use him to get the baby you want and then dump him? Are you really sure you're too good for him?

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