Am I mad to want another baby before leaving my husband?

[DisneyBaby]

My husband and I have been very up and down throughout our whole relationship, he's always been lazy and not much help around the house, he has a gambling problem which has resulted in trust issues and he can have a bit of a temper with me at times too.
We have been together 10 years, married 4 and have a 15 month old daughter. I have always wanted 3/4 children close together in age so they would have a close bond like my sisters and I had growing up. But I am now pretty certain after deliberating about it for several years, that I want to leave my husband. I do believe I can do better, and a lot of friends and family have told me the same.
I worry that I wouldn't meet someone new straight away and I think about my daughter growing up with no siblings close in age, and it makes me think... Should I just stay for a few months longer and have baby number two so that my daughter will have a playmate, or is that totally stupid? As much as I would love another baby myself, this decision is more based around her, if I were to be a single Mum she wouldn't have someone else to play with at home and that breaks my heart.. Surely I can't be the only person who has thought or planned such a thing??? Am I crazy?

Think about the baby, do you really want to saddle them with him for a father?

Some harsh comments here!
I understand why ud feel that OP. She's not being selfish she's thinking about her 15 month old child, she doesnt want her to be alone when the split occurs and she wants her to have someone to talk to and grow up with and have on those visits to their dad etc etc
But yes its true, as heartbreaking as it maybe u shouldn't do that OP. U either work on ur marriage or leave the marriage. It would be very unfair on your unborn child. Remember u may feel guilt knowing u bought an innocent life knowingly into a world where u knew beforehand u would split thats unfair on an innocent life. Its not a joke playing with lives like that. Most likely ur daughter will b ok. Wish u all the best.

Erm have you considered that however long it might take to have this second child your oldest may well be old enough to remember that their sibling came along (a life altering event with mixed emotions for a lot of children anyway) and then mummy left daddy, do you think that might not lead to a lot of resentment and confusion for the child you already have?

I wouldn’t because it will make it harder for you to leave. I have been in an unhappy relationship for 16 years. It is v hard to leave with children involved. I wish in many ways I had been braver and done it when my DD was young like yours.

I don't think you're wrong to consider this. Some responses have been very harsh.

I understand what you mean OP. My parents split and I was an only child until I was almost a teenager and it was very lonely for me, parents split up and just me. So I knew that I didn't want my kids to go through the same thing.

@pipsqueakbollock, I am a single parent who puts 2 small children to ben each night. I know without a doubt that putting one to bed would be a fuck of a lot easier. Not to mention when 2 small children both fall asleep in the car and then both demand loudly and unceasingly to be carried into the house when they wake up at the end of the journey.

Wonder what the husband’s side to this story of a shit relationship would be? Not sure he’s the abuser here....

You could end up with siblings who hate each other, or worse, a child with lifelong disabilities which require 24 hour care.

Be careful what you wish for.

But then you did post this thread oh so late at night. Interesting how many people ave such dilemmas and feel the need to join mn at that hour...

@sunhoop is right. 2 small children close in age is full-on exhaustion when you are a single parent. And that's even when I am lucky that they have an older sibling whom I can call on when I am really struggling.

So many harsh replies! But the point of the anonymous forum like this is she can ask the the question! I can totally see where you are coming from in thinking like this, OP. Sadly the negatives of this idea do outweigh the positives. The sooner you leave, the sooner you move on, and your young child won't know any different than mum and dad being separated so far less traumatic all round.

Agree you get the selfish mother of the year award OP. Don't do it.

I agree - totally irresponsible. It's people's lives you are discussing here, you make it sound like buying a new toy.

👎🏻

I do understand where you are coming from, but also think it’s a bad idea.

He doesn’t sound like a good dad, so why inflict him on a second child?

You could end up with a child with additional needs. Much harder as a single parent.

So many variables. Don’t do it.

@jessstan2, it would be great if people would show their true colours before you are in deep with a marriage and children. However, the man I chose to have children with was wearing a very well crafted mask. By the time I left to raise 3 kids alone for 95 percent of the time, he was an abusive fuck. It is unbelievable even to me that I didn't wise up until after the birth of my third child but there you go.

My heart breaks for the father my children have to put up with for the rest of their lives. Please don't.

@howmanyhats

OP, AIBU is full of people who like to have a go. Now they've started at you, they'll go on and on.

In the real world, this is something people do. A friend of mine did.

Whether it's a good idea or not would take a nuanced discussion, one you won't get here I'm afraid.

Please ignore the arseholes telling you you're the most selfish mother ever, or whatever. They seem to get a kick out of putting other people down. It's to do with them, not you IMO.

You’re right. There’s no shortage of stupid people out there who do this. Is it mandatory to follow stupidity just because others are doing it.

My parents split when I was three. I’m an only child. I was fine. I have sometimes wondered what it would have been like to have a sibling, but I don’t understand the people who think that being an only child is so terrible. I’m very close to my mum, and logistically we wouldn’t have done half the things we did growing up if I had a sister or brother.

I’m a single mum to an only daughter. She’s 10 now. She loves it just being me and her. We went away for the weekend this weekend and had a great time. Don’t have another baby in these circumstances for the sake of your DD. At least be honest to yourself that you are doing it for you!

This is a bonkers idea. Just no it's unfair on both the child and the dad. Are hormone's really this strong to make some of us think like that? Your current child will be just fine being an only child you don't need a sibling.

For a second, imagine if the husband was considering doing this. Knowing that he was going to leave his wife. Aside from it being a bad idea, how is it not abusive to the husband to mislead him like this. Should he not be made fully aware of her intentions before he agrees to donate his DNA.
Also, what about finances, OP hasn’t mentioned it, but is she financially secure enough to have a baby and then go single parent household? Surely, that should be a major consideration.

I know someone who did this, but it was after discussion with her now ex. They knew they wanted to divorce, but he agreed to have another child with her, who he would support as well as their first child (there was a much larger age gap between the children, though). Thinking about it, he might have wanted to try for a son and heir, which didn't happen. This was many years ago, there are now grandchildren, but the couple co-parented amicably together and both children were well cared for and loved, despite their parents' divorce. It worked for them, anyway, but it had been a mutually agreed decision.

JFC. You do know that only children exist, right? For every only child who was miserable because they didn't have a sibling, there's a non-only-child who was miserable because their sibling made them miserable.

You shouldn't leave a marriage - especially one with a child! - because you "think you can do better." Maybe you can, but that's never a guarantee. If you believe that being single forever would be better for both you and your child, then fine, leave. But if you don't believe that, then it's madness to leave just because you hope someone "better" might come along.

Maybe you should ask your husband what he thinks of this plan. Lazy or not, surely he's entitled to an opinion on how many children he'll be a single father to. If after leaving and being a single mother for several months, you still want another child, adopt one or something and leave him out of it.

How old are you?

Yes you are being stupid and manipulative too. By all means leave your dh he doesn't sound like a great catch or that the two of you are particularly suited but getting him to agree to having a baby when you know you intend on leaving him is unnecessarily cruel. Your op suggests that he is the problem but you clearly are too, maybe you haven't realised how entitled you are!