Am I mad to want another baby before leaving my husband?

[DisneyBaby]

My husband and I have been very up and down throughout our whole relationship, he's always been lazy and not much help around the house, he has a gambling problem which has resulted in trust issues and he can have a bit of a temper with me at times too.
We have been together 10 years, married 4 and have a 15 month old daughter. I have always wanted 3/4 children close together in age so they would have a close bond like my sisters and I had growing up. But I am now pretty certain after deliberating about it for several years, that I want to leave my husband. I do believe I can do better, and a lot of friends and family have told me the same.
I worry that I wouldn't meet someone new straight away and I think about my daughter growing up with no siblings close in age, and it makes me think... Should I just stay for a few months longer and have baby number two so that my daughter will have a playmate, or is that totally stupid? As much as I would love another baby myself, this decision is more based around her, if I were to be a single Mum she wouldn't have someone else to play with at home and that breaks my heart.. Surely I can't be the only person who has thought or planned such a thing??? Am I crazy?

Agree you get the selfish mother of the year award OP. Don't do it.

I can kind of see why you might want to do this.

A friend of mine split with her ex, and then found out she was pregnant with No. 3. Not pre-meditated, but she’s essentially in the same situation, whether premeditated or not.

I guess the risk is that you do it for DC1, but then they don’t get on.

I really sympathize but it's very cruel.

Appalling. You want to have reluctant sex with your shit husband to breed another kid on the off chance that it might play with your existing kid for a brief period of time.
Have you considered using the tv as a ‘playmate’ for the kid? Win/win.

My friend did this. She wanted another baby but didn't want to leave, find someone, wait until it was serious etc so she got pregnant. She and her husband were even living in the same county as each other. 2 years later they're still together but she's not happy and I think feels financially trapped. I really wouldn't do it

Completely bonkers. What a selfish and ridiculous idea.

'on the off chance that it might play with your kid for a brief period of time'

That is totally off the mark about what a sibling relationship gives. It's one thing being an only child when you have both parents focusing all their attention on you, but if you are raised by a lone parent and you have a crap dad then being an only child is much harder.

Stay with your Husband, have another baby with him,and kick him out,. what kind of woman are you, to do such a horrible thing.

Dumbest idea I've heard in a long time.

I don’t think it’s a terrible idea, unless your husband is violent or abusive in which case it becomes very stupid and risky very fast. But if it’s just that you’re different people and it’s not working out and you’re not in love then I think it’s an idea with some merit.

@redtshirt50

My friend did this.

Yes, it's extremely selfish but she's happy she did it. Her kids are great friends and I think she is much happier now than she would have been with one child.

I can't say I wouldn't do this in the same situation. I understand the temptation OP.

My dh's mother did this and I could not believe a woman could be as selfish minded as this to bring another DC I to the world fully knowing it would be into an unhappy home life and broken home and all the repercussions of that. It also did the father's head in and ruined his life, none of the extended family forgave her either so it gave a lifetime of strained family relationships for the DC caught up in this hell.

Only an extraordinarily selfish minded woman could engineer such a disaster in waiting with no thought to the opinion or feelings of the DC who had to deal with the appalling fall out with their dad and his side of the family for the rest of their lives.

How would this be if the roles were reversed.

So man comes on mn saying his wife isn't up to scratch and his friends think he could do better. He wants one more child though and doesn't want the hassle of starting a new relationship and so it'll just be easier to have one with his inept wife then he'll leave her.

I'm aware that it's the woman who carries and normally bears childcare burden and so reversal isn't comparing like for like but I don't think anyone would agree thus is a great idea.

OP, AIBU is full of people who like to have a go. Now they've started at you, they'll go on and on.

In the real world, this is something people do. A friend of mine did.

Whether it's a good idea or not would take a nuanced discussion, one you won't get here I'm afraid.

Please ignore the arseholes telling you you're the most selfish mother ever, or whatever. They seem to get a kick out of putting other people down. It's to do with them, not you IMO.

@Famousinlove

This would only be ok if your DH knew you were going to leave when you got pregnant

Yes he needs to be told. Otherwise however shit he is, you're shitter for tricking someone into another child when you're going to leave them. Plus What happens if the child has additional needs?

no thought to the opinion or feelings of the DC who had to deal with the appalling fall out with their dad and his side of the family for the rest of their lives

Eh?

My friend who did this co-parents her two DC with her ex, same as she would have done if they just had one then split up.

There's been no massive family rift or appalling fall out, none worse than there would have been if they'd split after one DC, anyway.

@howmanyhats

OP, AIBU is full of people who like to have a go. Now they've started at you, they'll go on and on.

In the real world, this is something people do. A friend of mine did.

Whether it's a good idea or not would take a nuanced discussion, one you won't get here I'm afraid.

Please ignore the arseholes telling you you're the most selfish mother ever, or whatever. They seem to get a kick out of putting other people down. It's to do with them, not you IMO.

It's aibu. If she wants a head patt and told she's making great choices then this is not the place for her.

Your friend doing it makes zero difference to whether this is a good idea.

DisneyBaby: "...she wouldn't have someone else to play with at home"

She would if you have friends with children and she will make friends.

For goodness sake your daughter is still only a baby. Enjoy her and stop planning for what you think she may like, she isn't you.

This thread beggars belief.

You wouldn't be the first person who has done it

Would I still be with my DH if I hadn't wanted more than 1 child? Probably not? I felt too old to start again when our marriage hit a really bad patch and I chose to........(not forgive and forget because I can't)......overlook certain things I suppose because I wanted children? And then when first child came along I wanted to have more. I don't Have any intention of leaving though now because it wouldn't be fair on them unless things get really bad again which I suppose is the difference? I made my bed so to speak

Using him just for his sperm and then ending the relationship is selfish but plenty of women on MN deliberately have children by donor sperm or donor eggs and sperm and I think that is incredibly selfish but each to their own?

@OhSayWhat

I don’t think it’s a terrible idea, unless your husband is violent or abusive in which case it becomes very stupid and risky very fast. But if it’s just that you’re different people and it’s not working out and you’re not in love then I think it’s an idea with some merit.

Pretty much this. Unless you think he could be violent or abusive in any way, having children with the same father, even if he is a useless git, will greatly reduce life complications for everyone.

Selfishness gone mad
Your own biological urges willingly risking deep unhappiness to a child bringing him or her into a dying marriage?
Just no.

So you've been deliberating for several years by your admission that he is shit but didn't leave and procreated with him, now want to use him again for another. What to say? Doesn't matter because you'll do it anyway.

I am old, far from an angel and pretty selfish but one thing I've never done is bring a child into the world knowing that they would grow up in a divided family.

Kids deserve both parents around. Obviously, for a myriad of reasons they don't always get this. That's life. I know that. I'm in my 60s and my parents split when I was tiny so I haven't set eyes on my dad since I was a toddler.. My parents were young and stupid and thought they would be together forever. They were wrong. That's shit but it's life. However to deliberately plan to deprive a child of it's parent and the parent of the child is wrong.

@howmanyhats

OP, AIBU is full of people who like to have a go. Now they've started at you, they'll go on and on.

In the real world, this is something people do. A friend of mine did.

Whether it's a good idea or not would take a nuanced discussion, one you won't get here I'm afraid.

Please ignore the arseholes telling you you're the most selfish mother ever, or whatever. They seem to get a kick out of putting other people down. It's to do with them, not you IMO.

I'm one of those 'arseholes'. My opinion is based on my personal experience of growing up with only vague memories of my biological father. It has had a massive effect on me. It might be an experience the OP would prefer not to know about but it's a genuine experience and it can only add depth to this discussion.

I agree, Confused, but it seems she had the measure of him for some time as the first baby is 15 months old and she's considered for 'several years' leaving him because he's lazy and whatnot. So by that token it was lazy to have a child with him, not ditch him before that, but well, that happens. Frankly, don't see what is the point of the thread, the OP will get another off him anyway.