Am I mad to want another baby before leaving my husband?

[DisneyBaby]

My husband and I have been very up and down throughout our whole relationship, he's always been lazy and not much help around the house, he has a gambling problem which has resulted in trust issues and he can have a bit of a temper with me at times too.
We have been together 10 years, married 4 and have a 15 month old daughter. I have always wanted 3/4 children close together in age so they would have a close bond like my sisters and I had growing up. But I am now pretty certain after deliberating about it for several years, that I want to leave my husband. I do believe I can do better, and a lot of friends and family have told me the same.
I worry that I wouldn't meet someone new straight away and I think about my daughter growing up with no siblings close in age, and it makes me think... Should I just stay for a few months longer and have baby number two so that my daughter will have a playmate, or is that totally stupid? As much as I would love another baby myself, this decision is more based around her, if I were to be a single Mum she wouldn't have someone else to play with at home and that breaks my heart.. Surely I can't be the only person who has thought or planned such a thing??? Am I crazy?

[CrumpetyTea]

I sort of tried to do this- stay to have another baby -I wasn't sure i wanted to split but wanted another baby- i didn't think i had time age wise to find another partner and i wanted my children with the same partner.
But it didn't happen for various reasons- I'm now stuck 10 years later in the same boat. i wish i had left

[jessstan2]

DisneyBaby: We have been together 10 years, married 4.
......
You must have realised your husband was lazy, a gambler and bad tempered during the six years before marrying him. Why did you marry him for goodness sake, never mind have a baby; you had enough warning of what he was like.

[ILikeTheWineNotTheLabel]

Start saving for therapy for the kid now if you do this.

[MazekeenSmith]

@pipsqueakbollock

I don't think you're crazy. Your life doesn't sound easy so I get that there's no easy path to tread so in for a dollar......

Single mum of one is no different to single mum of two.

Um yes it bloody is
What a daft thing to say

[Gingerodgers]

If you were only going to have one more, then go for it. I’m a firm believer in all your children having the same Dad. Absolutely no, if you want to have more with other men farther down the line.

[Frownette]

Do you have an active sex life now? He might get suspicious if you suddenly start pouncing on him.

How would it be financially if you left? How much are you able to talk to him?

I don't know, entirely up to you. And him.

[Lovelydiscusfish]

The mistake you are making here, in my opinion, is to assume all children are happier with a sibling.

My daughter is currently an only child (her dad and I are divorced - it’s just about possible either or both of us might go on to have more kids, but not that likely). I asked her just the other day if she ever missed having a sibling, and she very emphatically said no! She loves being an only, having her parents’ undivided parental attention.....

So I wouldn’t have another just because you think your child will welcome it. Have one if you want to. But it seems a bit mean to your partner, tricking him into this without being honest about your feelings. Could you level with him - is there a chance he might agree to have another with you anyway?

Otherwise you could find another guy, or maybe use a sperm donor?

[Monty27]

I've never heard anything so horrible in my life OP
Yuk you're talking about children here not you. Wtf?

[Pyewackect]

OMG, where’s your integrity ?

[LEMtheoriginal]

Ridiculous

[blisstwins]

My mother did this and to be honest, I am kind of glad she did. It did create some problems because my younger sib did not have a good relationship with my father and she overcompensated out of guilt and it made me feel less than/an outsider because my mom and sib were SO CLOSE. Overall, however, I am glad I had a brother (he passed away). SHe figured if my dad remarried or other children came in I would always have someone with the same circumstances. She left when my brother was 18 months, btw.

[Ilady]

Jessstan2
You know that your relationship is over due to his behaviour but you think it a good idea to have another child him?
The reality is that this is a bad idea. It's selfish to bring another child into a bad relationship that you know needs to end.
It could take you a long time to get pregnant and what happens if this child has special needs/health issues.
So in say another 5 years you could be single with a child and a toddler. Your husband is lazy, a gambler and bad tempered so I can guarantee he will let you down with minding 2 kids. He will be slow in paying maintenance because of his gambling so you will need to earn a decent income.
Then the cost of childcare with 2 kids will be expensive compared to 1.
Also you think that a sibling for your child means they will always have some one to play with. I know siblings who faught as children and still don't get on as adults.
If your marriage is over you need to separate, sort out a divorce and move on. You need to make a new life for you and your child and not bring another child into this mess.

[Lotusmonster]

Total madness. What’s more, once the kids an adult the timing of their conception will be considered and it will be apparent that they probably were not conceived in a loving, secure relationship. You’d be a terrible life role model to an adult child.

[ImAlrightThanx]

My sibling and I are close in age and have barely spoken since we were teenagers. No way to predict what kind of relationship they will have.
Stupid idea.

[firstimemamma]

"lazy and not much help around the house, he has a gambling problem which has resulted in trust issues and he can have a bit of a temper with me at times too."

Is this someone you think would be a good father to another baby?

[MyOtherProfile]

As an only child of parents who divorced when I was young I really wish my mum has done this. I was so lonely through the divorce and subsequent years and even now 40 years later I wish I'd had a sibling going through it all with me.

I know not all siblings are super close but the proportion who at least have a decent relationship is much higher than those who hate each other or have no contact.

[anxietyanonymous]

I do understand your dilemma.

Your DD will adore her sibling whenever they arrive in the future. When you hit primary school you will see there are ALL kinds of age gaps.

You need to be realistic about timescales. Right now DD js still very young but is old enough for nursery and care from
Relatives for you to work full tjme
Etc to self fund your new independent life. Unless you are prepared to forefit any kind of maternity leave you are looking at staying for at least 2 more years. Few months to conceive then a 9 month pregnancy and then a year long maternity leave with little or no pay:

A baby should be brought into love and joy. Not for some ideal notion of a family unit you are still hanging onto. I think you need to grieve for that for now and accept it is on hold. Which i appreciate will be sad. I just don't see this as a problem you can 'fix'.

[Bluetrews25]

Have you written about this before OP? This all sounds very familiar.
I seem to recall the OP got her arse handed to her last time.

[NeverRTFT]

It will be much harder to leave the relationship with a baby and toddler in tow. You mentioned that your DH throws his weight around sometimes, or words to that effect. Maybe he won't let you go without a battle.
Stop procrastinating and get out as soon as possible. You owe it to yourself and DD.
Good luck

[thinkingaboutLangCleg]

I sympathise with you in this dilemma, and I don’t think you’re stupid. But one child is much easier than two for a single parent, as others have said, and there’s no guarantee that they will be close. I would concentrate on making a happy home with DD.

Best of luck

[notdaddycool]

A friend had a last shag before they split, maybe once they'd decided to split, there was an accident, it wasn't a great plan, this is a whole lot more daft, but you've probably worked that out by now.

[AbsolutelyPatsy]

I see your logic and understand it op