Am I mad to want another baby before leaving my husband?

[DisneyBaby]

My husband and I have been very up and down throughout our whole relationship, he's always been lazy and not much help around the house, he has a gambling problem which has resulted in trust issues and he can have a bit of a temper with me at times too.
We have been together 10 years, married 4 and have a 15 month old daughter. I have always wanted 3/4 children close together in age so they would have a close bond like my sisters and I had growing up. But I am now pretty certain after deliberating about it for several years, that I want to leave my husband. I do believe I can do better, and a lot of friends and family have told me the same.
I worry that I wouldn't meet someone new straight away and I think about my daughter growing up with no siblings close in age, and it makes me think... Should I just stay for a few months longer and have baby number two so that my daughter will have a playmate, or is that totally stupid? As much as I would love another baby myself, this decision is more based around her, if I were to be a single Mum she wouldn't have someone else to play with at home and that breaks my heart.. Surely I can't be the only person who has thought or planned such a thing??? Am I crazy?

You want to purposely get pregnant to a man you're planning to leave and whom you say has a temper? You do realise he will have parental rights and you'll have to leave your children with him? He could even push for 50/50 if he wanted and would likely get it.
And no parenting 2 children is not the same as parenting one as pp said. There's the extra costs for a start.

I'm a bit suprised at this thread, I've seen a similar one where OPs plan was actually suggested and recommended.

I don't think it's so crazy. Obviously it has its cons.

But all these comments about how the potential child's life will be ruined because they weren't conceived in a perfect forever love union... That's many if not most people isn't it? So anyone whose parents split up, anyone whose parents are together but have a meh relationship, anyone who was an accident, donor conceived people... Are all their lives not worth living.

Women post on here daily "I fell pregnant from a ONS" or "my bf is abusive and I just found out I'm pregnant" or "I was just about to leave my relationship and I just found out I'm pregnant". The response is literally always "screw that man, you can do it, your dc will have a great life with you, leave the man and keep the baby". When it's the exact same situation from the child's perspective.

I understand your thinking Op and I’ve no idea why you’re getting such rude comments. PP forget how strong the drive to have children is and if your dream is lots of children, well that’s what your dream is.

However single mum of one is a million times easier than single mum of two. The logistics of school, sleepovers and clubs combined with you working is simple with one. It will be a ball ache with two or more and will restrict your time you spend looking after each child as well as your free time.

Also if you do have a boy, or a baby with a problem or even the same sex child that doesn’t get in with its sibling you're not going to have your dream family anyway.

@howmanyhats

OP, AIBU is full of people who like to have a go. Now they've started at you, they'll go on and on.

In the real world, this is something people do. A friend of mine did.

Whether it's a good idea or not would take a nuanced discussion, one you won't get here I'm afraid.

Please ignore the arseholes telling you you're the most selfish mother ever, or whatever. They seem to get a kick out of putting other people down. It's to do with them, not you IMO.

Yes, this. Some responses are way OTT as well, you can tell they just get off on being the biggest wankers possible.

This sounds like a bad idea.

Are you financially independently secure?

What's in it for the baby?

@pipsqueakbollock

I don't think you're crazy. Your life doesn't sound easy so I get that there's no easy path to tread so in for a dollar......

Single mum of one is no different to single mum of two.

except it's doubly as expensive and you're vastly outnumbered by your children.

I think it needs to be a mutually agreed decision, something you should talk about.

Maybe people are being harsh but look at it from the child's point of view.

That's why people are calling the op selfish. How can it be in the unborn child's best interests to be brought into this situation.

Selfish

@isitsafetocomeoutyet

Maybe people are being harsh but look at it from the child's point of view.

That's why people are calling the op selfish. How can it be in the unborn child's best interests to be brought into this situation.

Oh but 'selfish' isn't enough, is it? They've got to cram a few more insults in to really get the point across. 🙄

This isn’t an only child discussion. I think it is clear that the OP wants a second child one way or another. The question is whether it is better to cut her losses now and have that second child with another man or have that second child now, with the same father.

I guess my view in thinking that the latter may be worth doing is that two of the unhappiest people I know are the oldest children with no full siblings, only younger half-siblings. It has brought a degree of complication, distress and resentment that has followed them into adulthood. They both felt on the outer and that no-one was in the same boat as them.

I think it depends alot on finances as well. You may say you will leave but two children may put you in a position of poverty which has its own set of issues. I can see your thinking OP and think you are getting a hard time. Also I have read lots of posters who talk about leaving and say they have a three month old etc so they had that baby knowing things were bad. It's more common I think.

A lot of children are bought into less than ideal situations. That’s life.

I can understand why OP is considering this and don’t particularly think it’s too ‘out there’.

@ConstantlyChanging

An unpopular opinion but I think that this would probably make sense. Even if they fight as kids, your daughter will value having a sibling later on

I absolutely hate my younger siblings and wish my parents had stopped after me. Even as middle aged adults they make my life massively, painfully worse in many ways. Stop assuming you know how everything will play out for every family.

Single mum of one is no different to single mum of two.
Oh, it is very different. Very, very different.

No. Don't

Will you be able to work to support your family with two children? Childcare for two under 5s can be very costly.

It's a bit 'fuck & go' isn't it?

• the 'believe I can do better' comment. I can understand why you'd think about doing this, but not why you'd actually go ahead.

Does 'do better' mean there's another man around?

Is your H working/do you have CSA claim in mind? Just seems very unfair.

Whatever the case, caring for 2 children isn't at all the same as just the 1 so you'll have your hands full and less time for social/romantic life etc for some time.

Such an ridiculous idea. Leave and give your daughter the best life possible. Don’t weigh yourself down with another baby and all of the costs and restrictions of another child. Presumably you’ll need to work and find childcare. Both your life and your DD’s will be infinitely easier without adding a sibling.

Are you going to stay till you get the 3/4 children you wanted.You don't have a second child as a play thing for a first regardless of what ever circumstances are going on. Not even going o bother with saying anything else, had enough nastiness for one day.

I think you really need to think about this OP. A new baby can have a big effect on the eldest child even in a very stable relationship. Combine that with a split in the family dynamic it could lead to some huge MH / behavioural issues for your eldest. It’s dubious behaviour and you know this, otherwise you probably wouldn’t be asking if it’s unreasonable to trick your husband into giving you a baby. Then of course there is possibility of the siblings not getting on, can you deal with that? You seem to have an idealised view of siblings, will you be able to cope with 2 screaming teenagers fighting? Even as they’re older they may hate each other. Can you financially and logistically manage with 2 children as a single mother? Just because PPs are saying “people do this in the real world” doesn’t make it the right thing to do.

OP you can do whatever you want, providing you have the means to pay for it without any reliance in the state.

If you can afford a home for you and the children, all your bills, clothes, haircuts, days out, activities (swimming, gymnastics, etc), a reliable babysitter when you need a break, etc, then go right ahead. Oh and a savings plan for when they go to university.

If you expect the state to fund any of this you are being utterly unreasonable.

Enormously selfish to your existing child and future child.

Utterly insane thing to do. Do not do this.

Leave your DH and take your DD with you.