Want to be married before baby is here

[ornge]

Me (25) and partner of 2 years (28) just found out we are pregnant. I have a coil, so very unexpected.

Bit of background as not to drip feed - moved in with my partner last year. I had to move house as flatmate was moving out and decided I would rent on my own. He really wanted me to move in with him (owns his own house). I did not at first but stayed with him in the week between moving out and my move in date. I then stayed on my own for 2 months but the last month especially, I don’t think I spent even 2 nights at my own flat so I gave notice and moved in with him.

He does not take any money for mortgage or bills even when I send it, he sends it back. He has a much better job than me but I never expected him to take on all bills etc. I am close to his parents now and I can tell he was very much raised in the way that the man pays for everything. Not sure if this is cultural as he is from Middle East and I only know his family but it does seem the norm for them.

Anyway, he supports me really well. I have paid for odd things when he is away on work but he always pays for shopping, eating out, all household bills etc so I have no doubt he would support our child BUT

I told him if we had a child I would want to be married. I do want to keep baby and he would too but he wants me to give up work and I think that is very risky if we are not married. I know he supports us but I don’t want to be left high and dry if anything happened.

He does not want to get married. He is put off by the idea of a big wedding and also thinks his parents would be upset if we did it in a registry office.

He seems to think I do not trust him to support us which has upset and it’s unreasonable for me to ask that we get married. I will keep baby no matter what but feeling upset and worried about this. I do not want to pressure him either as I love him dearly

He’d rather upset you than his parents. Not great.

There's no rush to get married. Don't force him to marry you, but don't give up work.
Go on maternity leave, go part time if you want to, but don't give it up completely.

I'm sorry OP, you're in a very difficult situation. If you are set on keeping the baby then you need either to insist on getting married, or accept that you will be in a very very vulnerable position. You will need to make sure you're working full time so your career doesn't take a hit and for security should your relationship end.

Christ don’t quit work, that would be nuts. He will support you as long as he’s with you and not a moment longer. As he doesn’t wish to marry you’d I’d consider he’s not convinced he’s in it for the long haul.

Don't give up work.

🚩🚩🚩

I think you need to stick to your guns about a small wedding now. Nobody needs a big one. His parents can come or not come.
If he doesn't agree to getting married at a small service, then you know you are possibly bringing up the child alone or staying in a relationship where you wanted different things and are disappointed.
Either way, don't give up work. In fact, make your career and increasing your earning potential a priority.

Don't marry him, he does not want to be married. Don't leave your job. Plan your life as a single parent as that may well be how things turn out.

Ask him who is more important, the mother of his child or his parents.

I wouldn’t give up work in this situation you will be financially very vulnerable as an unmarried mother with no income.

Please get married. There's a world of difference between a bridezilla wedding and nipping to the registry office on your lunch hour. He can't have it both ways - being the traditional man paying for everything with a SAHW and also not wanting to get married. The clock is ticking on this!

Do not make yourself dependant on a man who chooses his parents over you. It would be absolutely stupid of you to rely on his goodwill. I know I am not at all romantic but I always recommend the legal contract over true love's kiss and all that crap!

Don't insist on marriage but don't give up work either.

It is never a good idea to completely give up work until you need to and being completely financially dependent on one person adds a different dimension to your relationship.

Not everyone enjoys maternity leave and being with their baby all the time. Many of us are keen to get back to work in some form or another for the social and intellectual aspects.

He is working you to have total control. You will have no job, no money, and zero security or rights. He won't marry you because he doesn't want real commitment. He's not the wonderful man you think he is, you are being played.

I think you’ll need to assume that he is not in this for the long haul and work out how to parent the child amicably, separately. I’m so sorry. I appreciate how disappointing this must be.

He is put off by the idea of a big wedding and also thinks his parents would be upset if we did it in a registry office.
Nobody can have a big wedding at the moment and actually the Covid situation would be a easy way for him to explain to his precious parents who must not be upset why he is not having a big wedding.

Can you afford to buy a flat or house that you could rent out so you have some financial security?

Definitely give the baby your surname. Don't even consider giving it his.

As PP without marriage please do not give up work or give baby his last name.

Relationships are about compromise, he’s said he wants you to give up work, if he wants that you have said you’d like to be married for security, he’s said no, so you can’t give up work. Simple as that really.

Too many red flags for you to make any big life changing decisions here. Any man insisting his partner gives up work is in my opinion very suspicious. It's not the behaviour of a truly caring man who sees you as his equal and partner.

Do not give up work, no matter what. A lot of women don't enjoy staying at home full time. It's boring as hell and it makes you completely dependent on him. It will change the dynamic between you completely and it also backs you into a corner where you can't leave him. And if he doesn't marry you, he has even more control over you because if you leave, you leave with NOTHING.

But I would also say, do not insist on marriage at this stage given how reluctant he is. Marriage constrains you in some ways as well and it's so so hard to leave a marriage, it can take years and it's expensive.

I think the best would be to stay in work and assess the relationship/status quo in a few years.

If marriage is important to you and you a baby isn't ebough9f a reason then to be blunt you need to force the conversation and if I was you then I'd move out and say if he isn't all in then its not the relationship for you

He's clearly happy to live with you and shag you without marriage so forget any cultural stuff. As others say, protect yourself. Not married and no income living in his house - you can be on the street any time.

Whether you are married or not there is absolutely no need or excuse for anyone to be giving up work.

If he doesn’t want to get married then that is his choice and right. All you can do now is make sure the baby has your surname (or both) and you don’t quit your job. I probably wouldn’t even take the full maternity leave and return when the enhanced pay ends.

Trust your spider senses. Don't give up work. This man isn't going to marry you. Baby gets your surname otherwise you're in for a world of pain later as a single parent with a hostile ex and opinionated never-in-laws. Sorry you're in this situation.

*spidey

Registry office with covid as an excuse, then if he wants an actual do, that can come later.