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Original poster

Want to be married before baby is here

176 replies

ornge · 11/04/2021 12:53

Me (25) and partner of 2 years (28) just found out we are pregnant. I have a coil, so very unexpected.

Bit of background as not to drip feed - moved in with my partner last year. I had to move house as flatmate was moving out and decided I would rent on my own. He really wanted me to move in with him (owns his own house). I did not at first but stayed with him in the week between moving out and my move in date. I then stayed on my own for 2 months but the last month especially, I don’t think I spent even 2 nights at my own flat so I gave notice and moved in with him.

He does not take any money for mortgage or bills even when I send it, he sends it back. He has a much better job than me but I never expected him to take on all bills etc. I am close to his parents now and I can tell he was very much raised in the way that the man pays for everything. Not sure if this is cultural as he is from Middle East and I only know his family but it does seem the norm for them.

Anyway, he supports me really well. I have paid for odd things when he is away on work but he always pays for shopping, eating out, all household bills etc so I have no doubt he would support our child BUT

I told him if we had a child I would want to be married. I do want to keep baby and he would too but he wants me to give up work and I think that is very risky if we are not married. I know he supports us but I don’t want to be left high and dry if anything happened.

He does not want to get married. He is put off by the idea of a big wedding and also thinks his parents would be upset if we did it in a registry office.

He seems to think I do not trust him to support us which has upset and it’s unreasonable for me to ask that we get married. I will keep baby no matter what but feeling upset and worried about this. I do not want to pressure him either as I love him dearly

OP posts:
2bazookas · 11/04/2021 15:57

OK, How about, you get married in registry office but don't tell his parents you're married.

RachelRavenRoth · 11/04/2021 15:58

He does not take any money for mortgage or bills even when I send it, he sends it back
So you have no claim on his house. Same reason he wont want to get married.

Do not give up work. Do not go part time. Do not sacrifice your career prospects for a man who is keeping you completely dependent on him with no protections.

Soothes · 11/04/2021 16:03

Why does everyone assume he must be up to no good? It seems perfectly reasonable to me that a relatively young man would want to avoid a big wedding and also feel pressure not to disappoint his parents by having a quiet affair.

Obviously OP has good reason to want the wedding and they need to find a way to overcome his concerns, but I don't think the first assumption should be that he's trying to avoid his obligations or scheming to take the child abroad.

2bazookas · 11/04/2021 16:06

No marriege, and he's from overseas?

In that case I would go alone to register the childs birth, which means you won't be able to register him as the father and his name and fatherhood wont appear on the birth certificate. The baby takes your surname.

ASAP, get the baby a British passport to establish its British nationality.   No mention of father on the application or passport.
StoneColdBitch · 11/04/2021 16:12

If he refuses to get married, you refuse to give up work or give the child his surname. It's very simple.

Even if you do marry, think long and hard about the pros and cons of giving up work completely. Part-time work can be a good compromise. I'm very glad I work - I love my kids, but my job keeps me cheerful and grounded!

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 11/04/2021 16:20

You'd be foolish to give up work whether you're married or not tbh.

I'd roll along with how things are for now and absolutely do not give up working. Make that clear from the start.

ilovecarbs90 · 11/04/2021 16:25

Oh my god so many things wrong with this.

He wants you to give up work, while his remains intact. At 25, you are unlikely to have a wealth of experience behind you, so giving up work now will make you very unattractive in the job market once you are job hunting in a few years.

If you aren't married, you would be beyond a fool to give up work. If you split up, you would be entitled to child maintenance only and not a penny from his house or anything else. That's after you gave up your job to raise his child, while he gets promotions and more work experience behind him.

I hate to say it, but from reading your post I have to wonder if the real reason is his parents don't approve of you due to cultural differences. There are many stories of Middle Eastern families turning a blind eye to their sons dating and even having children with women from other cultures, but when it comes to marriage they expect their sons to marry virgins from their own cultures.

Even if you were married I don't think it's a good idea to give up work, but not being married is even worse. You would be making yourself very very vulnerable.

BlueDahlia69 · 11/04/2021 16:29

Definitely give the baby your surname. Don't even consider giving it his.

agreed

BlueDahlia69 · 11/04/2021 16:30

I would also be telling him up front, that the baby will not have His name.

bunglebee · 11/04/2021 16:34

I would also have to wonder either if he's already married, or if he won't ever marry you due to cultural disapproval.

Sadly I think you do also need to think about the what-ifs if you split if there is a big culture clash, and/or if he wants to take your child back to family overseas. Do you have any legal recourse if he did so?

TownTalkJewels · 11/04/2021 16:53

Sorry OP, ‘he wants me to give up work’ is a MAJOR red flag, regardless of whether you’re married or not.

Why has he said that??

Kinder123 · 11/04/2021 16:56

Doesn't sound like he is the marrying kind. Is that what you want for your future? Life is pretty harsh for the unmarried if they split or if one is ill or dies. A friend of mine had his parents swoop in and take control when her partner was ill and died. It was traumatic - and left her in a poor position financially. You are right to be wary.

Whatever you do, keep your independence and that means continuing to work - or maybe studying to progress your career if you are out of work. No marriage means no commitment and nothing to show if it all falls apart which it's more likely to do when it's easy (for him) to walk away.

You say you don't want to pressure him? What about the pressure his views put on you? Would it be pressure on him to insist that without marriage the child has your surname? No marriage, no security for you, so you'll need to build a career to make sure you have a pension and an income if things go wrong. If this "pressure" is going to sour the relationship for him you need to find that out now. Don't wake up in 10 years time regretting the decisions you make now.

Janaih · 11/04/2021 17:04

Not putting him on the birth certificate is always suggested in these situations. While I understand the reasons, does this not make it harder to claim child maintenance?

Royalbloo · 11/04/2021 17:07

Having my daughter was the best thing I've ever done.

Getting married was the worst thing I've ever done.

Just a different perspective x

Bettina500 · 11/04/2021 17:11

So he wants you to become financially vulnerable and dependant on him, but doesn't want to offer you legal financial security. Red flag!
I wouldn't give the baby his surname. The baby also wouldn't be registered as a child of the marriage. We had to re-register our DD after we got married to make her a legal child of the marriage. It provides protection in the event of a parental death I believe.

Original poster
ornge · 11/04/2021 17:17

Thanks so much for all of your responses. I feel a bit silly now as many things have been pointed out to me that I didn’t even consider..

Anyway, to answer some questions, DP is a British citizen. He cannot return back home (Iran) as dual nationality puts you at risk there and also he came to the UK at 16 to study and never returned so has not completed his military service.

I do not believe his parents disapprove of me. I speak Farsi and talk to his mum quite a lot on FaceTime. We are really close as my own mum is not around anymore and she has been a lot of support. She is happy about DC but I will admit DP told her without me or having a discussion about when we will tell people.

His parents live in Iran for those that asked. Both of his brothers are married to foreigners in Europe where they live.

He is not religious. Obviously raised in a very religious country but he does not consider himself Muslim.

From our conversation about this he is very worried his parents will be upset at not having a big wedding. He has told me he doesn’t want a big wedding though. So I suppose he has just decided not to get married to avoid that problem?

I know some people have suggested a termination. It is something I have considered but he is really keen for baby and I am too which makes it difficult. (The fact he also told his parents already makes this difficult. But a sad part of me thinks this may have been his reason to do that??)

I feel extremely naive about him not letting me contribute to the bills as many of you have pointed out about me having no claim to anything in this case.

I have a good maternity package and plan to return FT after 9 months when that ends at this point. He thinks it doesn’t make sense to pay for childcare when that’s most of my wage. I see where he is coming from but on reflection the way that is worried makes me think I would be paying for the childcare..

I will have another talk with him tonight. I don’t really know what the ideal outcome will be though as I feel if he agrees to marriage now it will be forced.

OP posts:
Original poster
ornge · 11/04/2021 17:19

Oh we have not discussed DC last name either. I agree with you all on this so we will see what he thinks

OP posts:
ilovecarbs90 · 11/04/2021 17:22

Him not being religious is neither here nor there - its usually culture, not religion, that can cause issues. In fact if he was religious he would want to get married ASAP.

GabriellaMontez · 11/04/2021 17:46

Did his brothers have big weddings ?

There are a string of yellow flags here which shouldn't be ignored. I think you need to discuss some details further. Such as how he'll be sharing childcare costs! You'll soon see if these things can be thought through and resolved which is a really good sign.

Or if they turn into red flags.

Laggartha · 11/04/2021 17:46

I will have another talk with him tonight. I don’t really know what the ideal outcome will be though as I feel if he agrees to marriage now it will be forced.

I agree with PP saying to work on the expectation of being a single mother with no support from the father, and make your decision based on that.

Laggartha · 11/04/2021 17:48

There are a string of yellow flags here which shouldn't be ignored

I'm not convinced that this metaphor works.

billy1966 · 11/04/2021 17:58

The fact you believe he would think childcare is yours to pay says a lot.

If you feel a termination is a better option for you, then do that.

You need to look very carefully at what is best for you.

You have so much to lose in this situation.

Do you wish to be a single parent?
Is that what you want?

It is likely this will happen if he doesn't wish to be married.

You really need to proceed with care.

Don't believe his fancy words.
Look to his actions.

How does he behave when you don't agree with him and won't do what he wants.

This will give you insight into who he is.

Flowers
jeannie46 · 11/04/2021 18:15

Do NOT discuss 'not' putting his name on the baby's birth certificate. He may insist he comes with you to register the birth and insist his name is down as the father.

I repeat there is a risk he wants to go to another country ( one of the ones his brothers live in if not Iran ) with the baby. You must do everything in your power to make this impossible or difficult. (I speak from personal experience.) Once he is down on the birth certificate it will be difficult to stop him and it may prove impossible to get your baby back.

As Covid provides the perfect excuse not to have a big wedding his objections to getting married do not ring true. You also should be wary of the fact he said he told his mother about the baby without you - so you don't know he did nor can you gauge her reaction.

Have you spoken to her about plans for the future and that her son doesn't want to marry you? Is she happy with this?

winterchill100 · 11/04/2021 18:23

He can have a child with you, but it's too much to marry you. That's worrying. Protect yourself and be prepared to raise your child alone. It's sad to think like that but the majority of relationships don't last - and he isn't even trying to commit to you.

Naunet · 11/04/2021 18:36

I may be way off the mark here, but if using the coil is one of those small changes you’ve made to the post to stop it being outing, and actually you were on the pill or using condoms, I would be very suspicious that he may have messed with it to get you pregnant.

I know that sounds crazy but Google it, men do this, it’s not as rare as you might think. And with the demand that you give up work and become completely reliant on him, it would be a situation that fits with this.

Just something I want you to be aware of. X