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Original poster

Want to be married before baby is here

176 replies

ornge · 11/04/2021 12:53

Me (25) and partner of 2 years (28) just found out we are pregnant. I have a coil, so very unexpected.

Bit of background as not to drip feed - moved in with my partner last year. I had to move house as flatmate was moving out and decided I would rent on my own. He really wanted me to move in with him (owns his own house). I did not at first but stayed with him in the week between moving out and my move in date. I then stayed on my own for 2 months but the last month especially, I don’t think I spent even 2 nights at my own flat so I gave notice and moved in with him.

He does not take any money for mortgage or bills even when I send it, he sends it back. He has a much better job than me but I never expected him to take on all bills etc. I am close to his parents now and I can tell he was very much raised in the way that the man pays for everything. Not sure if this is cultural as he is from Middle East and I only know his family but it does seem the norm for them.

Anyway, he supports me really well. I have paid for odd things when he is away on work but he always pays for shopping, eating out, all household bills etc so I have no doubt he would support our child BUT

I told him if we had a child I would want to be married. I do want to keep baby and he would too but he wants me to give up work and I think that is very risky if we are not married. I know he supports us but I don’t want to be left high and dry if anything happened.

He does not want to get married. He is put off by the idea of a big wedding and also thinks his parents would be upset if we did it in a registry office.

He seems to think I do not trust him to support us which has upset and it’s unreasonable for me to ask that we get married. I will keep baby no matter what but feeling upset and worried about this. I do not want to pressure him either as I love him dearly

OP posts:
BlueDahlia69 · 12/04/2021 18:21

OP Im so sorry this has turned out this way but Im so glad you has the strength to see through his excuses, and took affirmative action.

Your Father sounds like a wonderful support to you. Take your time and relax these next few days and your decisions when the time is right for you.

OP you should be very proud of yourself, you have stood up for You.

lockdownalli · 12/04/2021 18:25

I think you have taken the correct action here OP.

Even he backs down now, what kind of "hollow victory" would that be?

I would not return to this relationship. Flowers

WallaceinAnderland · 12/04/2021 18:31

I think you have had a lucky escape OP. A lifetime with him would have made you miserable. He would not be doing any cleaning, shopping, cooking or childcare. He would expect you to do all of that on top of your work and if you complain, he would say that it was your choice to work.

I never understand how people sleepwalk into awful relationships like this but at least you have seen his true colours now. Think long and hard whether you want to raise the child on your own or whether a termination would be the best choice right now. It's totally your decision and a partner who really loved you and cared about you would support you in whatever you decide.

Merryoldgoat · 12/04/2021 18:41

I’m sorry OP - but it’s better to know now. Whether or not you have the baby is up to you but you can make your decision with all of the facts.

Well done though - you were strong and you won’t get fooled again.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 12/04/2021 18:49

So sorry. He's shown you his true colours. Personally, I would not want to be tied to a man like this for the rest of my life because he has no respect for you, he has you doing all the wifey work for FA and wants you to sacrifice it all for him whilst he gives nothing. And he doesn't now, does FA in the house, you can safely and correctly assume he will do FA with a child. He's very sexist fundamentally.

Ie we are living together, I go back to work whether it is FT or PT or stay at home. I would like that commitment and security for me and our child. He says it is just a piece of paper so I counter with if it’s just a piece of paper to you. I would expect you to be fine with doing this for me then since it’s just “a piece of paper”. He doesn’t even respond, just asks why I am being like this.

He's puzzled his doormat got a spine and stood up. Pieces of paper, my arse and he knows it. Wills are pieces of paper, title deeds are, passports are, driving licenses are. He's full of shit and thinks you should buy his shit with your life.

No matter what I'd move out. He can throw you out at any time and you have no recourse, plus, not living with him, you don't have to wait on and clean up after a grown man who's so sexist he sees that as your job.

I'm so glad you found all this out now rather than later.

When people show you who they are, believe them!

You deserve so much better than this!

Trixie78 · 12/04/2021 18:51

@PoutineQueen

🚩🚩🚩
This x10
ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 12/04/2021 18:51

You've stood up firmly for yourself and your future, whether that's with a baby or not, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for doing that. I'm glad you have somewhere to go to give yourself some space, you've been strong and clear about things and I think that's brilliant. Time to focus on you and your next steps, well done OP.

BlueSuffragette · 12/04/2021 19:08

Well done OP. You deserve so much better than what limited options he gave you. Good luck with your future with whatever you decide. A much brighter future awaits you. xx

Pupster21 · 12/04/2021 19:11

No marriage no being a SAHM. You need to protect yourself.

WellLarDeDar · 12/04/2021 19:16

It's a two way street isnt it. You can't force him to marry you and he can't force you to quit your job to be a SAHM. Give the baby your surname. I reckon if his parents would be upset with a small registry wedding, they'd be more upset when they realise their grandchild wont have their surname. I think it's fine to want what you want, I would want the same, but you cant force him, and if he doesnt want to get married, its maybe better that you dont marry him. He might change his mind once you all settle down into a family life? Or you might start to feel like you kind of like your independence?

Monr0e · 12/04/2021 19:19

OP, a massive well done on standing by your boundaries and not backing down. I'm glad you have family support too.

I think it is very telling that he considered the cost of childcare would take up most of YOUR wage. He already considers the cost of the baby and more than likely all responsibility for it yours rather than joint. Which is obviously what childcare costs should be. Good luck.

BlueDahlia69 · 12/04/2021 19:23

@Pupster21

No marriage no being a SAHM. You need to protect yourself.

OP has left.

PoutineQueen · 12/04/2021 19:27

You're doing the right thing op.

You'd be becoming an unpaid servant with no legal rights.

You'd be leaving a job in order to do all of his housework, gardening and parenting but with no legal rights to anything. Therefore he doesn't give a shit about you or your child's future and security. He's just protecting himself.

BillMasheen · 12/04/2021 19:34

He's puzzled his doormat got a spine and stood up. Pieces of paper, my arse and he knows it. Wills are pieces of paper, title deeds are, passports are, driving licenses are. He's full of shit and thinks you should buy his shit with your life

This .. in bucketfuls

So sorry to hear how this went OP, but you most certainly dodged a bullet (and by bullet I mean lifetime of thankless drudgery)

Laggartha · 12/04/2021 20:33

He's puzzled his doormat got a spine and stood up.

That's really unkind and unnecessary.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 12/04/2021 20:53

@Laggartha

He's puzzled his doormat got a spine and stood up.

That's really unkind and unnecessary.

How? She admitted herself she has been 'a bit of a doormat' in one of her posts.
osbertthesyrianhamster · 12/04/2021 20:55

What's really unkind is the way this man uses this poor women and how little respect he has for her. I'm glad she found her way here and the scales are falling from her eyes before she potentially lost all her independence to this person who doesn't even find her worth, in his and her own words, a piece of paper.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 12/04/2021 20:57

She says herself 'I suspect I have been a bit of a doormat'. Well, now she's not. Good. He's shook because he's used to her never challenging him; hence she does 100% of the lifework in a home in which she has fewer rights than a tenant or even a lodger with a contract.

KoalaOok · 12/04/2021 20:58

Well done OP. And I hope life treats you well whatever you decide to do

Aprilx · 12/04/2021 21:02

Well done OP, it would have been much easier to go along with the status quo. At least you know where you stand now and any agreement to marriage at this point would be hollow.

Laggartha · 12/04/2021 21:08

Calling someone a doormat is unkind, especially when she is going through a tough time.

OP I think you’ve been brave and vulnerable and wise in a very tough situation. You will get through this and be happier on the other side.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 12/04/2021 21:15

@Laggartha

Calling someone a doormat is unkind, especially when she is going through a tough time.

OP I think you’ve been brave and vulnerable and wise in a very tough situation. You will get through this and be happier on the other side.

She called herself that! I simply used her own term to describe why this using sexist man is now shook. There is nothing unkind or unsupportive about my posts! On the contrary. The tone of all of them is supportive of the OP entirely. Sounds like some people just look for something to be offended about Hmm. The OP has expressed no such offence nor has anyone else. On the contrary.
billy1966 · 12/04/2021 21:34

Well done OP,

For realising you were in peril and not just continuing on until you were truly stuck.

@osbertthesyrianhamster
I agree.

He was happy once everything was on his terms.

Skivvy girlfriend that does everything and makes no demands on him.

Just another very selfish man whose total focus is on what he wants and no one else.

Good for you moving to your father.

You have a great life ahead of you.

I hope you give careful consideration as to whether you continue with this pregnancy.

Think very carefully about committing the next 20+ years of your life being connected to such a man.

You deserve so much better than him.
Flowers

Kinder123 · 12/04/2021 22:34

You should be proud of yourself OP, you must be feeling all sorts of emotions now, but do take time to recognise how strong and astute you have been. You've not let yourself drift into life decisions that could leave you really unhappy and vulnerable. Well done for making a stand to protect yourself. Whatever you decide to do now, good luck.

Do not be guilt tripped on your decision by his mum or anyone else. Your life, your future, your child, your decision not theirs.

FeedMeSantiago · 13/04/2021 09:36

Well done OP, he's shown you who he is and you've believed him.

If you do decide to continue the pregnancy you can now do so with your eyes wide open and being prepared for single parenthood. Give baby your name and don't put him on the birth certificate.

Don't let anyone guilt you into going back to him or into continuing with the pregnancy if you don't want to.