Want to be married before baby is here

[ornge]

Me (25) and partner of 2 years (28) just found out we are pregnant. I have a coil, so very unexpected.

Bit of background as not to drip feed - moved in with my partner last year. I had to move house as flatmate was moving out and decided I would rent on my own. He really wanted me to move in with him (owns his own house). I did not at first but stayed with him in the week between moving out and my move in date. I then stayed on my own for 2 months but the last month especially, I don’t think I spent even 2 nights at my own flat so I gave notice and moved in with him.

He does not take any money for mortgage or bills even when I send it, he sends it back. He has a much better job than me but I never expected him to take on all bills etc. I am close to his parents now and I can tell he was very much raised in the way that the man pays for everything. Not sure if this is cultural as he is from Middle East and I only know his family but it does seem the norm for them.

Anyway, he supports me really well. I have paid for odd things when he is away on work but he always pays for shopping, eating out, all household bills etc so I have no doubt he would support our child BUT

I told him if we had a child I would want to be married. I do want to keep baby and he would too but he wants me to give up work and I think that is very risky if we are not married. I know he supports us but I don’t want to be left high and dry if anything happened.

He does not want to get married. He is put off by the idea of a big wedding and also thinks his parents would be upset if we did it in a registry office.

He seems to think I do not trust him to support us which has upset and it’s unreasonable for me to ask that we get married. I will keep baby no matter what but feeling upset and worried about this. I do not want to pressure him either as I love him dearly

He can't have it all ways. You can't make him marry you but you can refuse to give up work. You need to plan to raise this baby on your own. Hopefully he'll see the error of his ways, but his reasons not to marry you are weak.

I first met my husband end of April 2014, I'd just turned 21 when we met, he was 29. I was a student and he worked full time but we still made it work, and couldn't be happier.
We became a couple 9th may 2014. We decided to start trying for a baby in July 2014, we moved in together in October 2014, I got pregnant in November 2014, we found out I was pregnant 19th December 2014. We got engaged 13th January 2015, and got married 9th April 2015. Baby was due 30th August 2015, was actually born on 5th September 2015.
So we had been together exactly 11 months the day we got married. I know it's very quick, being married and expecting a baby within less than a year of being together, but it worked for us. We had discussed marriage and both agreed it was what we wanted, but we weren't officially engaged. But when we found out I was pregnant we both knew it was important to us to be married before the baby was born, and I didn’t want to be showing if possible, so we made sure we were. It was perfect. Some people might think we only got married because I was pregnant, but that was never the case at all.

"You need the protection of marriage before you become reliant on him for everything!"

but be under no illusion that being married to him will solve all possible problems and/or give you a cast iron guarantee. Even if you did become entitled to something £ in any divorce settlement there are a whole world of other problems which come with trying to co parent with an ex husband.

@happymummy12345 how is any of that relevant to what OP posted about?

That's a fairly crazy timeline happymummy - wouldn't recommend most 21yo students to be trying for a baby two months into a relationship! Glad it's worked out for you, but hardly a blueprint for others to follow. Did you just mean it's easy to get married quickly if both parties want to?

Nobody can have a big wedding at the moment and actually the Covid situation would be a easy way for him to explain to his precious parents who must not be upset why he is not having a big wedding.

Exactly. There will never be a better time to have a small wedding without offending anyone!

Do not give up work. If he is that generous he can pay for childcare. Start saving like mad and make sure you have decent cash savings - even look at buying an investment flat for yourself.

He’s not taking money so that you have no claim on his house.
He’s not marrying you for the same reason
He doesn’t see this as a lifelong relationship.

@happymummy12345
your post just makes me think "Gosh we are only talking 6 years in total".

i sincerely hope this does not come back to bite you if your exhuberant happiness does not last forever.

he wants me to give up work and I think that is very risky if we are not married.

He does not want to get married.

'He wants'. 'He wants'.

I'll bet he does. What he wants is his own way constantly without compromise. He's entitled to a view on whether he works but he certainly gets a say in whether or not you decide to do so. That is your choice alone.

IMO you should by no means give up work. Take your maternity leave and go back: it's perfectly doable (I did this and I breastfed). And I'd strongly suggest you give the baby your own name.

In all the assertions of 'I want, I want', has he ever asked you what you want? I suspect not. But in your position it's certainly a question I'd be asking of myself.

gets NO say - apologies.

I should have added - do not give the baby his last name. And don’t put him on the birth certificate if you think he will be a dick about contact.

You are expecting his child. He does not want to marry you. In my view it is either because:

He is very immature (in which case he might “grow up”, but maybe not in time for it to help you) or

He is against marriage fundamentally (unlikely)

He is just not that into you (new parenthood won’t improve this).

Keep your independence and be prepared to go this alone. Best of luck.

OP whether you marry him or not, (and if you do get married I predict you will have to convince him to do it, the arrangements for the day itself will be fraught with resentment and conflict, and he will become a very different person to the one you’ve known til now) if you continue the pregnancy, keep your job - on full time hours - and ensure that you have one eye on protecting yourself for the future: that means being named on assets that you pay into, keeping your job, being aware of what you’re entitled to, potentially being wary of overseas travel, amongst other things.

There are many things about his conduct that smack of ‘keeping a woman in her place’ which by necessity means preventing independent access to assets and independent means of earning. Don’t give in to that.

This seems very clear cut and by no means doomed. You haven’t been together long enough to be able to push marriage and neither of you sound ready to make those vows. ‘I appreciate it’s too soon for you to think about marriage, I can’t change that baby is on the way, but I won’t give up my job without being married or give my baby the name of a man who isn’t married to me, my baby will have my name. It will be fine, lots of couples do it this way.’

Don't, under any circumstances, give this baby your boyfriend's name. He won't marry you anyway but don't give the baby his name. Don't let him tell you anything is cultural, that ship sailed when you moved in together.

Are your boyfriend's parents in the Middle East or do they live here in the UK?

I guess it is difficult to get an idea of what is going on without considering the cultural background. In some cultures men are raised to be the providers, many will get offended if you insist of paying or if you continue to work as, in some countries, this would make your partner look as he is not man enough to provide for his family, which sounds silly in our culture but there are many things we do that... sound crazy to them.

Some people who come from abroad integrate and asimílate the local culture and some others remain true to their original cultural beliefs. I would say, don’t push him to get married but do not leave your job. I anticipate that once his family knows about the baby, they may push him to marry you or... to leave you. So it is very important you keep an income so you can stay financially able to support your child whatever happens in the short or long term.

So he doesn’t want a big wedding but a small registry office is not going to work either. He has eliminated all the options then hasn’t he?

You said if you are having a child you would want it be married, well he isn’t going to marry you, so are you going to have this child? Unless it is against your beliefs, I think that termination has to be one of the options that need to be weighed up here.

I think he is passing time with you until a marriage, possibly arranged, with someone from his own cultural background comes along. At that point, I think you may find yourself unceremoniously cut off.

Not sure I would proceed as you are, but if you do, don’t give up work and ensure you always have somewhere you can go to or the means to do so.

I don't think this situation is necessarily doomed. I think his reasons for not wanting a wedding are legitimate enough and probably, as he genuinely thinks it will make no difference to OP financially, he hasn't really thought through the implications for her.

A sensible discussion helping him understand the reasons for her insecurities is required. Do not give up work or give the baby his name without marriage. If he's really a decent bloke, he won't want you to once he understands how it really affects you.

Do not give up work.
Do not give the baby his name.
Do not put him on the baby's birth certificate.

Despite him not being serious about you ie not wanting to marry you, ( is he married already?) he may have ideas about the baby belonging to him and taking the baby back to his country ( minus you, of course.) It will be much more difficult if he is not officially recognised as the father.

Has he nominated you for his work place death benefits? Has he taken out an insurance policy to give you security on his death? ( You pay the premiums btw so you know they're current). Is he suggesting your name goes on the house? If not, why not? ( Be aware that in some countries women do not inherit / can't own property etc. )

So, make plans to get your own place. Protect yourself and your baby. This man will not provide the security you both need - quite the opposite. He is telling you loud and clear that he doesn't care one jot about you but is prepared to have you around as long as it suits him.

We wasn't married when we had our first dd. Was 1 year after. Work part time 2 days per week

[quote DeciduousPerennial]**@happymummy12345* how is any of that relevant to what OP* posted about?[/quote]
@DeciduousPerennial

I just read that post and was also wondering what on earth happymummy's story had to do with this thread. 😅

Tell him you've decided to stay at work. Let him know what the cost of nursery will be (shared between you).

See how kind and reasonable he is then? Fingers crossed he is accepting and supportive of this. And of your decision to give the baby your surname (and hope this doesnt upset mummy and daddy)

Covid is a great opportunity to get out of huge family weddings. I would want to be married too. Talk to him again.

Why are people asking if his parents live abroad and saying he will take the baby to 'his' country? We know absolutely nothing more than the one post by OP.

Why not wait to see if OP comes back to her thread before all this wild speculation.

Don't go there. If you keep the baby, really think about the 'putting his name on the birth certificate' issue as others above have alluded to.