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Original poster

Want to be married before baby is here

176 replies

ornge · 11/04/2021 12:53

Me (25) and partner of 2 years (28) just found out we are pregnant. I have a coil, so very unexpected.

Bit of background as not to drip feed - moved in with my partner last year. I had to move house as flatmate was moving out and decided I would rent on my own. He really wanted me to move in with him (owns his own house). I did not at first but stayed with him in the week between moving out and my move in date. I then stayed on my own for 2 months but the last month especially, I don’t think I spent even 2 nights at my own flat so I gave notice and moved in with him.

He does not take any money for mortgage or bills even when I send it, he sends it back. He has a much better job than me but I never expected him to take on all bills etc. I am close to his parents now and I can tell he was very much raised in the way that the man pays for everything. Not sure if this is cultural as he is from Middle East and I only know his family but it does seem the norm for them.

Anyway, he supports me really well. I have paid for odd things when he is away on work but he always pays for shopping, eating out, all household bills etc so I have no doubt he would support our child BUT

I told him if we had a child I would want to be married. I do want to keep baby and he would too but he wants me to give up work and I think that is very risky if we are not married. I know he supports us but I don’t want to be left high and dry if anything happened.

He does not want to get married. He is put off by the idea of a big wedding and also thinks his parents would be upset if we did it in a registry office.

He seems to think I do not trust him to support us which has upset and it’s unreasonable for me to ask that we get married. I will keep baby no matter what but feeling upset and worried about this. I do not want to pressure him either as I love him dearly

OP posts:
LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 11/04/2021 13:33

You are not unreasonable to want to be married before you have a baby. But that ship has sailed really. He doesn’t want to. You can’t make him. And would be unwise to try.

Whilst I suspect you will anyway, please, please, do not give up work. Your partner is unlikely to support you a day beyond the end of your relationship. I know that in the first flush of romantic attraction and new motherhood it’s hard to think about this. But really, it’s true. If you split up, unmarried, you are so, so vulnerable. So, keep
the job and ensure he shares the cost of childcare when you go back to work.

katscamel · 11/04/2021 13:35

This reply has been deleted

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lockdownalli · 11/04/2021 13:36

Do not quit work.

I would be telling him his name isn't going on the BC and you will be making plans to live independently.

YANBU.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 11/04/2021 13:42

Don’t give up work and keep your financial independence.

You’ve only been together two years which is very shortage have barely lived together, I wouldn’t want my daughter to marry someone she had only known that long. Neither though would I want her to marry so she could not work .

PerspicaciousGreen · 11/04/2021 13:43

And really, getting married is not just about whether he's a controlling deadbeat or not. Accidents happen all the time and even if he's the best man in the world you'll be in a much better position to be either fully independent or properly married.

FortunesFave · 11/04/2021 13:48

"We" are not pregnant OP.

YOU are pregnant. Therefore it is YOUR body that's going to be traumatized and YOUR mind that's going to completely change from what it currently is to the mind of a Mother.

And it's a MASSIVE change. I would be VERY wary. I would either leave immediately and have my baby or I would leave and have a termination...whichever you decide.

DO NOT stay.

DO NOT give up work.

Ohdoleavemealone · 11/04/2021 13:50

Agree with others.

No marriage - stay at work- give baby your name.

He can't make demands and ignore your wants.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/04/2021 14:03

It's not about trust. Its about being realistic and thinking long term. I trust my husband but that doesnt mean that I believe blindly that he will still love me the same in 10 years and want to be with me forever. People change and situations change. It's about doing the best thing for your child and that means protecting them against their mum being left to bring up a child on her own with no support and poor finances. Plenty of relationships fail, and people never go into them thinking that's what's going to happen.

Also his reasons for not getting married suck. Fair enough he doesnt 'fancy the idea' of a big wedding. But his parents being upset by a registry office is a shit reason not to do that. Where are your wants and needs being taken into account in this decision?

VettiyaIruken · 11/04/2021 14:05

@Aquamarine1029

He is working you to have total control. You will have no job, no money, and zero security or rights. He won't marry you because he doesn't want real commitment. He's not the wonderful man you think he is, you are being played.
Right on the money imo.

The worst of all worlds!

Bubblebu · 11/04/2021 14:06

it is fashionable to say "we are pregnant".
but the reality is that it is the WOMAN whose body does all of the hard work growing the baby and goes through enormous pain to give birth.
if he uses the terminology "we are pregnant" that is a good benchmark of where he really sees this situation - namely you can go through all the hard work of bringing a new person into the world and he MIGHT OR MIGHT NOT stay with you.
my own personal experience of something similar (although i was married before both of my children but our divorce really highlighted the following for me) is

  • do NOT give up work
  • do NOT agree to your child having his surname; and
  • do NOT get yourself into a position where basically the only place you can possibly live is at his house

sorry but now you are pregnant, and it is obvious you want to stay with him he can call all the shots (and is doing so).
oh, and if one of the reasons you want to stay with him is help with looking after the baby (as well as financial security) be under no illusion that you will get that.....

osbertthesyrianhamster · 11/04/2021 14:07

Personally, I would terminate. BUT, if this is not an option for you, there is zero way I'd give up work (not a single hour, no going part-time or reducing earning at all), giving the baby his surname or putting him on the birth certificate. I'd also move out.

Because you are right, he's 100% untrustworthy.

He does not want to marry you.

It was a dealbreaker for me, too. I wouldn't have had children with anyone I wasn't married to.

harknesswitch · 11/04/2021 14:08

At this point in your relationship I'd suggest you continue to work full time and ensure you stay financially secure and stable for both you and the baby. I'd even look to buy a house of your own, even if you continue to live with him, rent it out.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 11/04/2021 14:11

And because 'we' are not pregnant. YOU are. To a man who wants to completely screw you over financially and emotionally and who will then hold all the cards. This is time to protect yourself.

DoingItMyself · 11/04/2021 14:17

Someone once advised me 'Not every pregnancy ends with a baby.' I think she was wise.

You perhaps should think this through. The pregnancy was unintended. The father does not want to marry you. He will not accept your contributions to bills, suggesting he does not want you to think you will one day be entitled to share his property.

Either, maintain yourself and your baby, independently of him, or terminate the pregnancy. He doesn't think enough of you to marry you. Certainly don't make yourself and your baby dependent on him, financially or emotionally.

SummerHouse · 11/04/2021 14:18

You can't force him to marry. Aside from that do what you want to do. I would personally keep my job. I agreed to my children having my partner's name. Oldest DS is 12 and we are happily unmarried.

Pinkdelight3 · 11/04/2021 14:39

Absolutely do not trust him on this. Why on earth would you trust him? Thousands upon thousands of men have proved themselves utterly unreliable in exactly this situation, leaving the unmarried mothers of their children high and dry, trapped without their financial independence. You need to keep working or he needs to marry you. If he really doesn't want to marry you, you need to either be ready to go it alone as a single mum (which means keeping your job) or reconsider having the baby (which also means keeping your job). There is no scenario in which you reduce your earning capacity without him marrying you, and even then tbh it's wise to keep earning for yourself unless it's 100% your decision to give up work. Do not even begin to buy into any sexist set-up because it will only get worse. You have to go into this as a team. It may have made him feel great being generous about you not paying the bills, but the flip side of that is that he thinks he's in charge of the money and that you don't have agency or equality in that side of things. Think extremely hard before you have a DC with a man who doesn't see you as an equal.

Bubblebu · 11/04/2021 14:42

oh and if he does suddenly turn around and say "i will marry you" that is the point at which I really hope you give that marriage proposal a LOT of thought.
it might be painful bringing a new life into the world alone and on the premise that you will be a single parent.
but it is a whole other world of pain to be married to someone who only got married because they knew you wanted to and then get divorced further down the line, in terms of extracting yourself from the marriage, the pain of trying to "co-parent" with someone who is not invested right from the start in what might have been a family.

KoalaOok · 11/04/2021 14:44

Do not quit your job

Pinkdelight3 · 11/04/2021 14:46

I do not want to pressure him either as I love him dearly

If you love him and you want this baby, this is exactly the kind of pressure that is essential to find out what kind of a man he really is. There's a baby coming and you can't pussyfoot around in case he or his parents might be upset. If he can't handle this pressure, what kind of a partner and father is he going to make anyway? What are you scared of happening if you do 'pressure' (a.k.a have a perfectly reasonable discussion with) him? That he'll be angry? That he'll split up with you? That he'll say he doesn't want the DC? All those are outcomes that it's much better to hear about now rather than when the DC arrives. Hopefully if you love him dearly with good reason then he'll step up and be honest and this can become more of a team effort. But if you're not pushing your very sensible agenda for fear of upsetting the applecart, it's already fucked.

WallaceinAnderland · 11/04/2021 14:47

He seems happy to pressure you OP.

billy1966 · 11/04/2021 14:51

Loads of warnings rightfully given above.

No marriage + give up work +put his name on the birthcert is a combination of utter stupidity.

You will be putting yourself and your child in the absolutely worst position of vulnerability.

Its a ticking list for how women end up completely at the mercy of their partner in a highly abusive relationship emotionally and financially.

I do NOT believe any man who waa genuinely concerned for your welfare would dream of suggesting such a path.

It is the suggestion of someone who wants you at a disadvantage.

You have been warned.
Be very careful.

Flowers
FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 11/04/2021 14:52

Well you CAN'T have a big wedding at the moment so it sounds like the perfect time to go for it.

I'd casually drop into conversation that obviously the child will have your name. I bet he won't like that...

Also, as a pp had pointed out, him sending back your money isn't him being generous, it's him making sure you have absolutely no claim on his house....

katy1213 · 11/04/2021 14:53

Sounds like he's happy to live with you for now, but when it comes to marriage his parents will expect him to settle with someone from his own background.

GoJetterGirl · 11/04/2021 14:55

No Marriage? Fine, baby has your name, and he doesn’t go on the birth certificate, he’d rather upset you that his parents, that doesn’t bode well once they start making parenting suggestions etc etc, nip that shit in the bud before it starts! You need the protection of marriage before you become reliant on him for everything!

Brefugee · 11/04/2021 14:55

he sounds like a bit of a nob - doesn't want a registry office wedding so as not to upset his parents, doesn't want a big wedding, and doesn't care about pissing you off?

Make sure you're financially stable without him and do whatever you want about your life from now on. Find somewhere else to live.