Page 5 | Want to be married before baby is here

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 11/04/2021 18:44

OP listen to the advice on this thread. Him telling his parents you are pregnant before you've fully committed to continuing the pregnancy is very controlling in my opinion. There are so many red flags here and if you keep this baby be prepared to have it alone. Remember women are most at risk of DV during pregnancy and after the baby is born. You are so vulnerable in this relationship and it's worrying you don't see that.

BlueDahlia69 · 11/04/2021 19:04

Do NOT discuss 'not' putting his name on the baby's birth certificate. He may insist he comes with you to register the birth and insist his name is down as the father.

it was I, that suggested, telling him Baby wouldn't be having his Surname, and after I posted the comment I thought heck, that's not a good idea at all. So OP please don't do as I foolishly suggested. Say nothing more about it and play it safely.

Sorry.

LolaSmiles · 11/04/2021 19:11

Other posters have said it already, but don't become financially dependent on this man. For a man who cites tradition, he doesn't seem to be bothered about cohabiting and having a child out of wedlock.

One thing being on Mumsnet has really shown me is how often men are willing to cherry pick the traditions and cultural experiences based on what looks after number 1, and regularly seem to have no issue with sex outside of marriage or children out of marriage. It's, shall we say, convenient...

8dpwoah · 11/04/2021 19:19

Well it's quite binary isn't it- either you get married or you go back to work in whatever capacity you choose. Part time in same industry to keep your hand in would be very hard to argue against and I'd be more worried if he tried to put his foot down about that than about marriage tbh, the idea of adding brings out the weird in a lot of people. So, you don't get married, you go back to work instead. Put that to him and take it from there.
I'm not married to DP so I won't give up work. I might change up what I do after DC2 arrives to suit the needs of the family better but staying at home as an unmarried woman and parent just isn't viable in my opinion.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/04/2021 19:23

Oh we have not discussed DC last name either. I agree with you all on this so we will see what he thinks

Why do you give a shit what he thinks? He's not concerned at all with what you think and how he's happy to keep you in such a vulnerable position. This man talks out of both sides of his mouth.

8dpwoah · 11/04/2021 19:24

Oh now I've RTFT. You will only be paying extortionate childcare fees until DC turns three (ish, depends on term dates) so say two years. After that funding kicks in. But if you take those two years out how difficult would it be for you to step back into the workplace? A hefty childcare bill for a couple of years is a small price to pay for retaining at least some of your work credibility and continuity. Plus tax free childcare makes a big dent in the bill and if you're both working, you should get it no problems.

WaterBottle123 · 11/04/2021 19:27

He needs to understand how that you are returning to work full time, he's paying half the childcare, doing half the nursery runs and the baby isn't having his name.

I'd be worried about how vulnerable he's willing to make you OP. That isn't love, it's control. Nasty.

Rainyday4321 · 11/04/2021 20:53

What do you want - not just marriage or not- but do you want to work/ be a SAHM/work part time etc. how do you want to share the work of raising a family and having an income?
sounds as if you haven’t had the conversations about the kind of family life you envisage and you probably have quite different views. If you don’t have a shared view things will be very tricky- hard enough when there is a shared perspective.
So I’d suggest getting very nuts and bolts. Who will cook? Who will clean? Who will supervise homework and drop kids at nureery/ school and take sick days etx.

PerspicaciousGreen · 11/04/2021 21:36

I have a good maternity package and plan to return FT after 9 months when that ends at this point. He thinks it doesn’t make sense to pay for childcare when that’s most of my wage. I see where he is coming from but on reflection the way that is worried makes me think I would be paying for the childcare.

This isn't necessarily that bad. When DH and I talked about it, it was still a case of "you could either work and we'll pay for childcare or not work and no childcare payments, and the household pot will end up being about the same so there's no immediate financial benefit to the household for you to work". We're a "one pot" couple so it's irrelevant where the money is coming from, but it was still a question of whether there was any other advantage in me working (long term career, personal fulfilment, etc) as in the short term our available income would be the same either way.

That said, many men (and women!) believe that childcare is the woman's responsibility to either do or pay for. It would be very prudent to find out now what his attitude is.

PerspicaciousGreen · 11/04/2021 21:46

I'm really not someone who thinks all men are dirtbags and all women must hold them at arm's length lest they get abused, but my eyebrow is raising very high indeed here at his attitude to traditions and culture. And I have quite a conservative DH myself. (Makes a big difference that he's a kind and compassionate human who regards me as my own person )

He's not Muslim, he'll live in sin with you, he's happy to have a baby out of wedlock with you, he doesn't want a big traditional wedding... but he does want you to give up work and become a SAHM while he provides for you. There's nothing wrong with a couple wanting a traditional life but he can't just pick and choose based on what's convenient for him. I'm a dependent SAHM but my husband thinks the world of me and what I do, and all major decisions are joint ones because we've made a commitment to being a family unit together. I would be wary of someone who wants to have his cake (SAHM making his life easier) and eat it (minimal legal responsibility). Having a baby is way more of a commitment than marriage so he's already "in too deep" with you.

Merryoldgoat · 11/04/2021 22:56

These threads really depress me. They are here every day.

BlackMarauder · 11/04/2021 23:04

@Merryoldgoat

These threads really depress me. They are here every day.

It really is depressing, isn't it? Everyday it seems like they are more and more young women choosing to make a noose for their necks. Why on earth would any woman become a SAHM for a traditional man who isn't willing to marry her?

HairyPits · 11/04/2021 23:20

Sounds like you’re good to have for regular sex, but not for keeps.
The chances are he won’t marry you, as you are ‘damaged’ (in his eyes) as you’ve had sex before marriage.
Of course he would never admit this.

At some point, you will be cast aside for someone who fits the bill of ‘wife’.

billy1966 · 11/04/2021 23:39

It is so depressing.

So many women having babies for men that don't want to marry them.

The thing is when a man is really mad about a woman and loves her to bits, he wants to put a ring on it and get you off the availability list.

Whether a woman wants to marry is a separate thing and up to her,but when men really want you, you know it.

The OP sounds like a really nice naive girl who is sleep walking into the greatest mistake of her life.

Having a baby with a man who likes her but not really committed to her.

Happy enough to let her have a baby, skivvy for him and it, become completely dependent on him until he decides otherwise.

When he does decide he's done with her, minimum CM and he's off the hook.

I just can't understand why women place so little value on their lives and freedom.

Children change EVERYTHING for women.
Absolutely EVERYTHING.

It totally blows my mind how women have them so easily on MN.

It certainly wasn't the case for me or ANY of my friends 25 years ago.

It was a really big deal in our 30's to decide to have children because we all knew bloody well that it is utterly life changing.

The idea of doing it without marriage, a home, financial security, a secure career to return to or a very supportive spouse if a spell as Stay at home parent is decided.

Having a baby with a man who has no interest in marrying you, wants you to give up your job and you live in HIS home o his whim.

Christ.
Mind blowing.

Trustisamust · 11/04/2021 23:46

Dont give up work whatever you do. It gives him far too much control.
A different situation I know, but I was married when I left my ex. However, thank goodness I'd kept hold of my career despite his protestations to stop working - I relied on it to pay the bills and find a place to rent away from him with the children.

MixedUpFiles · 12/04/2021 00:34

Marriage is a legal and economic partnership. If he doesn’t think you need that foundation to protect you and the baby, I would not want to raise a child with him.

Merryoldgoat · 12/04/2021 00:48

My DH wasn’t that fussed about marriage but wanted kids. I told him on our first date I wouldn’t have kids unless I was married and I meant it.

I loved him (obviously not on first date!) but I wouldn’t fuck up my future for anyone.

Chloemol · 12/04/2021 01:27

I would not be giving up work

He seems to worry more about his parents than you and your desire to get married

If he won’t then make sure the baby takes your surname

TiggerTiggerBounce · 12/04/2021 01:37

What about a civil partnership? All the legal protections of marriage but no need for the big wedding

Laggartha · 12/04/2021 10:13

The thing is when a man is really mad about a woman and loves her to bits, he wants to put a ring on it and get you off the availability list.

Blimey. That's quite a new idea for me to consider.

Flippyferloppy · 12/04/2021 10:18

Do not give up work, do not give the baby his name. Not until he is prepared to commit to you.

TownTalkJewels · 12/04/2021 14:43

Some of the responses here are a bit mean. How about giving the OP a little more support?

OP, lots of people believe in the same approach as your partner- that if childcare costs as much as the mum will be earning, then it isn’t worth the mum working. What that misses is the fact that your earning potential will grow over time. You’re young now, but in a couple of years you’ll be out-earning the cost of childcare, so it’s worth staying in work so that you have that option later on. Once you’ve stopped working, it’s very very hard to get back into it (& as many others have said, if you’re unmarried you might then find yourself single, broke and unemployable, should the worst happen).

I’d say, use covid as an excuse for a small wedding now, and still stay in work. That way you’ll cover all of your bases. Good luck!

Pinkdelight3 · 12/04/2021 14:44

Also OP, you really need to thrash this out now and stand up for yourself, because even if your plan is to return to work FT, once the baby is born, you'll be besotted and that's when it'll start to seem more tempting - even irresistible - to go back part-time or give up work, especially if he's pushing it and making it seem like an easy, appealing, obvious option. You could well feel guilty about going back to work and he'll easily add to those feelings, and before you know it, you'll be doing exactly what he wanted all along. Please please take heed of all these wise women's advice and don't be another depression story of a woman set way back by motherhood while the guy keeps everything and streaks ahead.

username12345T · 12/04/2021 15:18

@ornge

Me (25) and partner of 2 years (28) just found out we are pregnant. I have a coil, so very unexpected.

Bit of background as not to drip feed - moved in with my partner last year. I had to move house as flatmate was moving out and decided I would rent on my own. He really wanted me to move in with him (owns his own house). I did not at first but stayed with him in the week between moving out and my move in date. I then stayed on my own for 2 months but the last month especially, I don’t think I spent even 2 nights at my own flat so I gave notice and moved in with him.

He does not take any money for mortgage or bills even when I send it, he sends it back. He has a much better job than me but I never expected him to take on all bills etc. I am close to his parents now and I can tell he was very much raised in the way that the man pays for everything. Not sure if this is cultural as he is from Middle East and I only know his family but it does seem the norm for them.

Anyway, he supports me really well. I have paid for odd things when he is away on work but he always pays for shopping, eating out, all household bills etc so I have no doubt he would support our child BUT

I told him if we had a child I would want to be married. I do want to keep baby and he would too but he wants me to give up work and I think that is very risky if we are not married. I know he supports us but I don’t want to be left high and dry if anything happened.

He does not want to get married. He is put off by the idea of a big wedding and also thinks his parents would be upset if we did it in a registry office.

He seems to think I do not trust him to support us which has upset and it’s unreasonable for me to ask that we get married. I will keep baby no matter what but feeling upset and worried about this. I do not want to pressure him either as I love him dearly

I always find it interesting how 'traditional' men choose the traditions that suit them. I think you're right to want to get married because it's legal protection for you in the event of divorce.

Original poster

ornge · 12/04/2021 18:13

Thanks so much for all of your comments. I appreciate them all as I feel like I’ve been stupid in this relationship.

I will be honest and say I do all of the cleaning, cooking etc (I even keep the garden looking beautiful!!) so he is just going out to his very important job and getting all the benefits of a wife and not actually committing. Which i do not think is fair esp now with child on the way.

As an update. I talked to DP about this last night and this morning. I have made it very clear I want to get married if he wants to stay together with the baby. Ie we are living together, I go back to work whether it is FT or PT or stay at home. I would like that commitment and security for me and our child. He says it is just a piece of paper so I counter with if it’s just a piece of paper to you. I would expect you to be fine with doing this for me then since it’s just “a piece of paper”. He doesn’t even respond, just asks why I am being like this.

We never argue, like really ever. I suspect I have been a bit of a doormat but I am (was ??) happy. So I think this has come as a bit of a shock to him for me to be pressing this so hard.

This morning we didn’t even make it through breakfast and before I started work he told me he doesn’t know if he will ever get married.

I have asked if he would put my name on house, let me contribute to it (I have savings), put me / child in will (I would do vice versa) etc. Doesn’t seem to be taking it seriously. “Pieces of paper” will be the name of his autobiography as that’s all these things are to him but not to me but he doesn’t seem to mind

After reading all of your comments and having these conversations I have decided to walk away. I took the day off work and im going to stay in my dads cabin by their house for now. Luckily I WFH perm so it is something I can do.

My dad is being very supportive. I have let DP know we can’t play happy families if he is not willing to commit. His mum thinks this is extreme, but I know she is upset he is not willing to step up.

I’m not sure if I will keep baby. I know if he would have said yes to marriage straight away I would have been overjoyed about our family. I think that is telling and I don’t want to regret anything but at least I can work on the basis of being certain of my own intentions

OP posts: