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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holding on to a grudge for a wedding no show?

509 replies

Sightforsoreeyez · 11/04/2021 12:10

Would you be upset at an evening guest that didn’t show up because they decided to go out drinking with their friends instead and never messaged on the day to say they weren’t showing up? Limited guests so I would have invited someone else.

Obviously this was a couple of years ago now but that person has since messaged me to meet up for a catch up. Am I silly for holding on to a grudge most people wouldn’t be bothered about?

OP posts:
PrelovedWithValue · 11/04/2021 13:25

@Heysiriyouknob

My ex husband did this (at our own fucking wedding).

Half an hour in and I couldn't find him, I didn't have a phone on me and I couldn't remember his new number.

Eventually tracked him down and he'd gone to the pub with his mate down the road. Didn't come back either, said it was all "too posh" (it wasn't) and boring.

😲 Glad to hear he's an ex! Now that's worth holding a grudge about.
UserTwice · 11/04/2021 13:26

I think it's rude to accept a wedding invite and not show up. Unless it's really clear that the evening do is a very casual pop in when you like type affair.

I'm still annoyed that my aunt and uncle (who I didn't want to invite as I wanted close family and friends only; but my dad insisted it was important they were there) turned up 2.5 hours late for our wedding which meant they entirely missed the ceremony (that my dad insisted it was important they were there for). They only lived 30 minutes drive away and there were no mass shuttings of roads that made it impossible to get there earlier. And they didn't even apologise.

thebillyotea · 11/04/2021 13:26

I think its a bit unfair on the OP to be diverted to an evening or full day only debate.

It is relevant to answer the question.

Most of us wouldn't react in the same way if a DAY guest or an evening guest was a no-show (if we had done 2 tiers invitation in the first place...)

chaosrabbitland · 11/04/2021 13:28

@FireflyRainbow

My friend had limited numbers and one of our male friends was only invited to the evening. They weren't very close or anything. He lived local and randomly turned up at the church to see the ceremony. Then he followed the cars to the venue for the sit down meal 😆 he messed up the tables as they had to squeeze in an extra chair then find a spare vegetarian meal 😆😆
that actually sounds quite funny , its so cheeky but in your friends situation i dont think i could have been cross with him , he obviously couldnt bear to miss out on the whole day lol
BeepBoopBop · 11/04/2021 13:28

@Haggisfish

IMO why bother inviting people to evening only?

Don't know if anyone has answered this already, but most churches are quite small, and the wedding breakfast is usually family & close friends. The vogue for renting castles and stately homes is relatively recent, although accommodating 200 people for a full meal and toasts, champagne and wine is prohibitive. So the traditional small reception afterwards and a buffet and dancing for friends and friends of parents etc who you would like to celebrate with is the easiest way forward.

It amazes me why some people assume that invites for evening guests are somehow second class or sub-standard in some way.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 11/04/2021 13:30

I don't tend to prioritise evening only invitations. Generally I only go to them if I have (my manager, distantish family) or its a nice venue. I've never not turned up on the day but I've cancelled the week before in the past.

She could be the same.

Honeyroar · 11/04/2021 13:31

@Wheelerdeeler

Would you go to a match at half time?

Ridiculous separating guests into day & evening. Either all or nothing

Jeeze I couldn’t cope with someone so sniffy and entitled for a full day. That’s why people only get invited to the evening!!🤣

It’s often a case of “we can’t afford 50 extra guests for the sit down meal, or the venue is too small, and I don’t know you quite as well, but I’d love you to join us for a drink and a dance in the evening”.

Nearly all of my guests were evening guests, I only had 30 in the day. One couple didn’t turn up, they decided on a last minute holiday so they’d be tanned for their own wedding two weeks later. I did think it was a little bit strange not telling us. We didn’t fall out. I went to their wedding (they gave us our gift there!). They split two years later. Other guests brought people with them who weren’t invited, but the food eeked out enough! We were quite relaxed about our wedding though.

Glittertwins · 11/04/2021 13:32

I had similar. Friend got smashed on drugs the night before and wasn't in any fit state to come (wouldn't have been driving anyway). I haven't spoken to her again since.

Gottalovesummer · 11/04/2021 13:32

I've been at a wedding where 2 guests didn't show up and didn't even send their excuses. They were seated at our table and it was so uncomfortable as there were clearly 2 empty spaces. The bride was very upset and I still think it was bloody rude of the guests.

islockdownoveryet · 11/04/2021 13:33

I think it’s rude anyway to not turn up to occasions Ok decline if you can’t/ don’t want to go but don’t say yes then not turn up .
My dh had a big birthday a few years ago and he was very hurt that a few of my family members and some of his friends didn’t even turn up .
Then afterwards no sorry we didn’t turn up or even a bloody birthday card . It just smacks of can’t be arsed which is fair enough but don’t expect others to make effort for you .

MaryMow22 · 11/04/2021 13:34

100% would hold a grudge. I dropped two couples from my life almost 10 years ago because they were no shows and have no regrets. Obviously I guess we weren't that close to begin with!

PrelovedWithValue · 11/04/2021 13:35

Has anyone said it's not rude to just not turn up?

That's not the question that's being asked.

The question is, is it reasonable to be holding the grudge for two years.

coogee · 11/04/2021 13:35

It amazes me why some people assume that invites for evening guests are somehow second class or sub-standard in some way.

You can always attend the ceremony itself as well if you really want to.

BiBabbles · 11/04/2021 13:38

I don't think it's unreasonable to not want to give this person further energy, but I don't think it's unreasonable if you want to give the person another chance. I think it's entirely personal.

Personally, anyone choosing drink or other drugs over something that was important to me would be a hard to come back from, I'd definitely want some sort of at least admitting that that was hurtful behaviour, but I've given people another chance for worst.

FoxgloveBee · 11/04/2021 13:38

Yes I think YABU but I can't tell you how to feel.

I would be very upset if a daytime guest didn't show up without a reason but evening, nah.

Whenever I'm invited to evening dos I always decline. It always feels a bit "you're not important enough to see the actual wedding and eat with us, but here, you can come along to the after party (with a gift)."

Crunchymum · 11/04/2021 13:40

@weakpanda

Yes

I still hold a grudge 10 years later that my bil sent two of his kids with mil to my wedding as he had a dentist appointment. He finally picked them up at 8pm Angry

Your BIL wasn't invited to your wedding? Shock
islockdownoveryet · 11/04/2021 13:41

@PrelovedWithValue

Has anyone said it's not rude to just not turn up?

That's not the question that's being asked.

The question is, is it reasonable to be holding the grudge for two years.

Actually it was 2 questions . Would you be upset if a guest didn’t show up ? Am I silly to hold a grudge ?
GreyhoundG1rl · 11/04/2021 13:42

@Aprilshowersandhail

On the morning of the wedding my dd showed me pics she had uploaded on Instagram of her dc in full wedding guest attire .. Could hardly ring her and tell her not to bring them. One wore a fuchsia pink dress and is peeping into every bloody photo like Where's friggin Wally? Grin
What,your grandchildren? Confused
LyndaSnellsSniff · 11/04/2021 13:42

Oh God, I did this to some friends. In my defence I was suffering with depression and just couldn’t face booking a hotel or organising transport. The wedding was in the north of Scotland and we were living in the southern England.

I still feel awful about it. I have apologised and explained since.

Inertia · 11/04/2021 13:42

If you’re that offended by the concept of evening guests, it’s very easy to decline the invitation in the first place. Accepting the invitation then failing to turn up with no explanation is pretty poor manners, whether it’s a day wedding/evening reception/any other celebration.

As for catching up with this person- would they bring any happiness to your life now?

thebillyotea · 11/04/2021 13:43

It amazes me why some people assume that invites for evening guests are somehow second class or sub-standard in some way.

well, they are.

I mean receiving an evening invitation for your neighbours daughter's wedding is a nice gesture. Anyone who doesn't really know you and frankly doesn't have to invite you at all.
For those, even if I am unable to attend, I send the same gift as I would if I was a day guest.

Vague friends or relatives to just to make up the numbers... they needn't bother inviting you at all, should they.

Zancah · 11/04/2021 13:43

@PrelovedWithValue

An evening guest? So someone that isn't close enough to invite to your marriage ceremony?

Wouldn't bother me.

Are you married? You'd be happy with them wasting your hard earned cash?

I mean it depends how mad I'd be … if you had a buffet evening do where maybe the price per head head is minimal and they aren't missed in the crowd versus a smaller intimate (ie, gaping hole and obvious someone is missing) and a price per head is somewhat more expensive.
I'd be bloody mad either way, but how mad depends. It's still shitty and thoughtless though.

GreyhoundG1rl · 11/04/2021 13:45

What price per head at an evening do? They're not usually catered to any significant degree, are they?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 11/04/2021 13:45

@PrelovedWithValue

An evening guest? So someone that isn't close enough to invite to your marriage ceremony?

Wouldn't bother me.

This ^

I hate evening only invites as to me they say you’re not important enough to see the vows and actual marriage take place but I want the numbers and gifts later.

They were not important enough to you to be at the actual wedding so not sure why you’re so upset they chose to have drinks elsewhere instead of with you.

thebillyotea · 11/04/2021 13:46

@Inertia

If you’re that offended by the concept of evening guests, it’s very easy to decline the invitation in the first place. Accepting the invitation then failing to turn up with no explanation is pretty poor manners, whether it’s a day wedding/evening reception/any other celebration.

As for catching up with this person- would they bring any happiness to your life now?

Why does everyone has to be offended these days? And who said it wasn't rude not to turn up?

We are talking about not holding a grudge. I can also vaguely understand the reasoning behind not turning up if you are only an evening guest, it does not mean I would do it! I think it's rude not to turn up even for a cup of coffee if it was arranged ,but that's not the question.

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