Holding on to a grudge for a wedding no show?

[Sightforsoreeyez]

Would you be upset at an evening guest that didn’t show up because they decided to go out drinking with their friends instead and never messaged on the day to say they weren’t showing up? Limited guests so I would have invited someone else.

Obviously this was a couple of years ago now but that person has since messaged me to meet up for a catch up. Am I silly for holding on to a grudge most people wouldn’t be bothered about?

Fucking hell - THAT’S irony, Alanis.

This happened to me 30 years ago and yes I still bear a grudge!

I'm so glad you found my tale thrilling that's my work for today done 😊. You are entitled to hold a grudge if that's what you want to do and plenty of people seem to agree with you. I'm one of the "most people who wouldn't be bothered".

StillCoughingandLaughing - Did you reject the invite? Or did you accept, but not turn up?

I'm afraid we did the British thing and turned up, smiled sweetly & put a very brave face on it, even though the "do" didn't start until 8.00pm and we had our 1 & 2 yr olds in tow - mainly because the couple wanted to see our kids but only outside the official confines of their wedding ceremony.

@FelicityCentre

I invited a friend I have known since we were 10 to my 40th birthday party at a local hotel, 15 mins from her house. Other mutual friends going and she knows all my family. Her partner was also invited. She didnt show up and didnt contact me. I wasnt overly fussed (was too busy with other guests) and made a mental note to check if she was ok in a few days. Next morning woke up to a text saying sorry she hadnt come, she had gone to A and E as she'd had really bad period pains. Friendship continued as normal. Chatting to her a few months later and she brought the night up and she had clearly forgot her lie and said she just couldnt be arsed and was tired so watched netflix in her PJs.

Havnt bothered with her since. She keeps asking to meet up and I have no interest in her now, further than a polite "hello". Its the lie teamed with the lack of text that bothers me. If she had just been honest I would have thought less of her but it wouldnt be a friendship ender.

Seriously though, everyone would surely lie. Who would text “sorry I can’t be steamed coming”?

I disagree with people criticising evening invites. My cousin got married a couple of years ago, there are 33 cousins on our side, most with partners and grown up children who are all close. Her other side of the family. Then there was her husband also from a big family, close to 60 first cousins all in all, again all very close. To have anything like the kind of wedding they wanted they had to make hard calls. The rules we’re aunts & uncles, first cousins only plus partners, no children at all not even adult children who my cousins has close relationships with, this included no immediate family children. Friends were also limited to close friends. Everyone else was evening invite. This suited a lot especially where child care was a problem. People who couldn’t attend during the day because they couldn’t get a full day & nights childcare could come at night. It also meant my cousin could still enjoy celebrating with extended family she loved. Weddings are expensive, even evening invites still have to be paid for.

It’s very rude not to turn up for no real reason.

I didn’t turn up at another cousins wedding, evening invites as it was my 2nd cousin, my cousins son getting married. My brother was there all day because they were really close, my parents were only invited to the evening do like me, my parents weren’t offended at all, they fully understood the day was about my cousin and his wife and they had to limit numbers. My reason was I was in hospital having a baby, my parents missed as my dad had terminal cancer and wasn’t feeling well. We still messaged and apologised to my cousin and her son as he still had to pay for us not attending. Obviously he was aware of the situation before the wedding, me being heavily pregnant, my dad being sick so was aware there was a chance we wouldn’t make it. He still wanted us there is we could and told us the invite would stay open regardless when we said he should use it for someone else.

I think receiving an evening invitation is fine - you decide whether to accept or not.

We once, however, had an evening invite, with a card explaining numbers were limited and it wasn't possible to invite us to the wedding reception but they'd love it if we could go to the church.

Therefore we were told we didn't merit an invite to the full day but hey even though you aren't important to us we'd love you to schlep to London for the service, bugger off for 6 hours (whilst paying a babysitter to look after your DC) while the important guests attend the reception and then you can turn up to a bowling venue on the other side of town and treat yourselves to a drink at the pay bar. And the gift list is at................. .

All of that notwithstanding the fact that MIL had lost her husband twelve months before and had got married in the same church. Neither the bride nor her parents thought twice about how their elderly aunt/sister would be looked after in the absence of her son and dil.

No doubt in MNet world that was perfectly acceptable behaviour.

Hm, Radio Scotland are broadcasting a very similar dilemma this morning.

@RosesAndHellebores

I think receiving an evening invitation is fine - you decide whether to accept or not.

We once, however, had an evening invite, with a card explaining numbers were limited and it wasn't possible to invite us to the wedding reception but they'd love it if we could go to the church.

Therefore we were told we didn't merit an invite to the full day but hey even though you aren't important to us we'd love you to schlep to London for the service, bugger off for 6 hours (whilst paying a babysitter to look after your DC) while the important guests attend the reception and then you can turn up to a bowling venue on the other side of town and treat yourselves to a drink at the pay bar. And the gift list is at................. .

All of that notwithstanding the fact that MIL had lost her husband twelve months before and had got married in the same church. Neither the bride nor her parents thought twice about how their elderly aunt/sister would be looked after in the absence of her son and dil.

No doubt in MNet world that was perfectly acceptable behaviour.

The hell it was. How rude!

In general, all this pontification about whether or not evening invitations are rude, I guess it depends who they are coming from. From a close friend or family member - especially with the expectation you'll attend and sulks and histrionics if you don't - yes, they are. From a work colleague or broader friendship circle, not at all.

But in anyone's world, the expectation that you'll piss off for 6 hours and entertain yourself until they deign to let you in is a little self-important, to say the least!

@RosesAndHellebores

I think receiving an evening invitation is fine - you decide whether to accept or not.

We once, however, had an evening invite, with a card explaining numbers were limited and it wasn't possible to invite us to the wedding reception but they'd love it if we could go to the church.

Therefore we were told we didn't merit an invite to the full day but hey even though you aren't important to us we'd love you to schlep to London for the service, bugger off for 6 hours (whilst paying a babysitter to look after your DC) while the important guests attend the reception and then you can turn up to a bowling venue on the other side of town and treat yourselves to a drink at the pay bar. And the gift list is at................. .

All of that notwithstanding the fact that MIL had lost her husband twelve months before and had got married in the same church. Neither the bride nor her parents thought twice about how their elderly aunt/sister would be looked after in the absence of her son and dil.

No doubt in MNet world that was perfectly acceptable behaviour.

I think evening invitations to guests who will have to travel much distance to the venue are rude, but yes, in the MN world they're perfectly acceptable, not to mention these sorts of invitations invariably come with a cash gift request. As for the trend of invitations to watch the wedding (make the church look full) and then fuck off till evening, the mind boggles but again, it's justified by some many inconsiderate hosts.

Someone who was supposed to be a close friend didn't show up for mine and conconcted a huge stupid lie about someone dying!! In reality she was off shagging and clearly couldn't be arsed. She isn't a friend anymore.

I think evening invitations to guests who will have to travel much distance to the venue are rude, but yes, in the MN world they're perfectly acceptable, not to mention these sorts of invitations invariably come with a cash gift request. As for the trend of invitations to watch the wedding (make the church look full) and then fuck off till evening, the mind boggles but again, it's justified by some many inconsiderate hosts

Bit like birthday parties, in real life if you invite people you expect to pay. None of the pay for yourself to attend the celebration.

Why wouldn’t you apologise? Whilst migraines are unavoidable, surely you’d feel at least some guilt at a relative being out of pocket?

Sounded like he did apologise but was ‘nonchalant’ about it and she wanted apologies from the ill wife and absent daughter too.

How were they to know she was out of pocket? Unless the host told them it was very expensive per head which would be crass. Afternoon tea party for a 21 year old’s birthday does not sound like a black tie, limited numbers event. If you’re going to book a fancy pay by head hotel you surely expect a few guests might be ill or unable to attend for last minute reasons?

Why should they apologise for being ill and missing a birthday gathering? The husband and son attended so it’s not like they’d forgotten!

bridesmaid knew exactly the cut of the dress and whilst on holiday wore something that was less revealing than said dress knowing that it would leave a pattern of sunburn and white bits that would all be seen on my wedding day

What makes you think bridesmaid cared about the cut of the dress, your wedding photos or how she would look in the photos? She was on holiday I doubt the bridesmaid dress crossed her mind. Unlikely she decided to get sunburnt on purpose either!

It was bad she turned up late but also odd you expected a bridesmaid to do your hair and make up (don’t most brides hire a professional to do their wedding hair and make up, along with the hair and make up of the bridesmaids?) Maybe she didn’t feel confident doing your hair and make up for you so was late on purpose.

If her sunburn ruined the photos why didn’t you just edit them?

What makes you think bridesmaid cared about the cut of the dress, your wedding photos or how she would look in the photos? She was on holiday I doubt the bridesmaid dress crossed her mind. Unlikely she decided to get sunburnt on purpose either!

I find it hilarious that any bride would consider her bridesmaids' duties extended to staying out of the sun whilst on holiday! Arf arf arf. Brilliant comedy scriptwriter material, eat your heart out Arabella Weir!

🤣

ddl1
But if your main preoccupation is how she looks in the photos, I'm not very surprised that she may not put a very high value on the friendship.
I hadn't seen her between her return from holiday and the wedding (just under a week) so didn't know about the sunburn until she was in her dress (5mins before leaving the house for the ceremony) and at that precise moment I had far more important things to be thinking about (like my wet, unstyled hair that she'd promised to sort but didn't).
It was others who commented about her whilst waiting for the photos to be taken and at the reception, then again when we got the photos and video.
The "friendship" was absolutely fine until after this had happened, so she had absolutely no reason to have not valued it, and it was me who knocked it on the head because of her failure to do the things she'd promised and not respecting my wedding day.

5mins before leaving the house for the ceremony) and at that precise moment I had far more important things to be thinking about (like my wet, unstyled hair that she'd promised to sort but didn't).
Why didn't you attempt to sort it yourself? I can't believe you actually sat there with a wet head until 5 minutes before you had to leave for the ceremony!! Wasn't it obvious at some point that she wasn't coming?

"evening guest" so, B list. Perhaps the mate they went drinking with is A list.

HikeForward
^It was bad she turned up late but also odd you expected a bridesmaid to do your hair and make up (don’t most brides hire a professional to do their wedding hair and make up, along with the hair and make up of the bridesmaids?) Maybe she didn’t feel confident doing your hair and make up for you so was late on purpose.

If her sunburn ruined the photos why didn’t you just edit them?^

She was a professional hair and makeup artist, had said she would do it for me and was getting paid too.

Editing photos? Things like that weren't possible back when I got married, maybe you'd do it today but photos weren't digital in the early/mid 90s

GreyhoundG1rl
I didn't do anything about my wet hair myself because she'd been assuring me every 15 minutes all morning that she was in the verge of walking out of the door, on her way and would be with me in 10 minutes.
I actually washed it at about 1.55 when she eventually arrived then she said she didn't have time to do anything at all with it, so by the time we were leaving at 2.30 it was still wet, not sopping but enough to be noticeable. By the time we'd finished the ceremony and were doing photos it had dried and looked respectable enough to pass muster but I knew it wasn't anywhere near what we'd planned for it to look like.

It does sound horrendously stressful.

@HikeForward

Why wouldn’t you apologise? Whilst migraines are unavoidable, surely you’d feel at least some guilt at a relative being out of pocket?

Sounded like he did apologise but was ‘nonchalant’ about it and she wanted apologies from the ill wife and absent daughter too.

How were they to know she was out of pocket? Unless the host told them it was very expensive per head which would be crass. Afternoon tea party for a 21 year old’s birthday does not sound like a black tie, limited numbers event. If you’re going to book a fancy pay by head hotel you surely expect a few guests might be ill or unable to attend for last minute reasons?

Why should they apologise for being ill and missing a birthday gathering? The husband and son attended so it’s not like they’d forgotten!

Because it’s what any decent person would do. As for ‘How were they to know she was out of pocket?’, how would they not know? I can’t imagine anyone assuming it was free.

@HikeForward

bridesmaid knew exactly the cut of the dress and whilst on holiday wore something that was less revealing than said dress knowing that it would leave a pattern of sunburn and white bits that would all be seen on my wedding day

What makes you think bridesmaid cared about the cut of the dress, your wedding photos or how she would look in the photos? She was on holiday I doubt the bridesmaid dress crossed her mind. Unlikely she decided to get sunburnt on purpose either!

It was bad she turned up late but also odd you expected a bridesmaid to do your hair and make up (don’t most brides hire a professional to do their wedding hair and make up, along with the hair and make up of the bridesmaids?) Maybe she didn’t feel confident doing your hair and make up for you so was late on purpose.

If her sunburn ruined the photos why didn’t you just edit them?

I’m starting to see a pattern here...

@Harriscap

"evening guest" so, B list. Perhaps the mate they went drinking with is A list.

Accepting the invite but then not going is Z list behaviour.

Why even bother with evening invites?

It just sounds grabby to me, like trying to get presents from people not invited to the main event.

We had a few no shows at our wedding, I don't have anything to do with them now. so I do get the sentiment.