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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holding on to a grudge for a wedding no show?

509 replies

Sightforsoreeyez · 11/04/2021 12:10

Would you be upset at an evening guest that didn’t show up because they decided to go out drinking with their friends instead and never messaged on the day to say they weren’t showing up? Limited guests so I would have invited someone else.

Obviously this was a couple of years ago now but that person has since messaged me to meet up for a catch up. Am I silly for holding on to a grudge most people wouldn’t be bothered about?

OP posts:
Bamburghdoodle · 11/04/2021 13:04

Life is too short to hold grudges. I bet you still had a fantastic day. Meet, have a catch-up and have fun. At worst you’ll realise they aren’t really a friend and the grudge can slide into nothingness and at best you have a fun time and reconnect.

DianaT1969 · 11/04/2021 13:06

The trouble is, they can't message you on the day - because you are getting married. They only saw themselves as the 2nd class evening crowd. Not a big part of your day.

GreyhoundLurcher · 11/04/2021 13:06

I get where you are coming from, but holding grudges is unhealthy for the grudge holder! Let it go.....

ImInStealthMode · 11/04/2021 13:06

On the subject of day guests vs wedding guests, I really don't understand why people get so worked up about it.

There are lots of people in my life whose big events I'd love to celebrate, but who aren't close enough for me to be comfortable at their intimate wedding ceremony, particularly if I only know one half of the couple, or none of the family. An evening invite is perfect for that.

I've always found evening guests bring a new lease of life to things too. I've been to too many weddings with everyone there the whole day and by 9pm the oldest and youngest are flagging or have dropped out completely and there's just 3 absolutely knackered bridesmaids trying desperately (and miserably) to keep the dance floor full.

SunshineCake · 11/04/2021 13:07

It isn't usual to have limits on evening guests and tbh if they were only evening guests they aren't best friends.

I only had a few friends invited to my wedding and one didn't show up though she told my MIL a few days before that she wasn't coming. I wasn't told. That was bad as I was looking for her in church.

stevematekatemate · 11/04/2021 13:08

@Sightforsoreeyez

Oh ok well if people are turning this into an evening guest debate then I’m off. That’s not the thread.

People do things differently. Your way isn’t the only and right way.

If I get invited to anything and don’t go then as a decent human being I tell that person.

Bye.

I am on your side OP. If the guest had said yes and then just didn’t turn up, that’s frankly rude. I don’t get why people are saying otherwise.

Day guests and evenings guests are the norm here in Scotland at weddings.

Beautiful3 · 11/04/2021 13:09

My old best friend from school wanted to come to mine, I sent her an invitation with a plus one. She begged me to invite her parents. I was a bit peeved, but sent one. None of the fuckers turned up! It was expensive for me, and she didnt even explain why. Ghosted me for years. Honestly, think she was a little bit jealous because her engagement broke up beforehand. Last year she messaged me hello, because lockdown affected her mental health and she had no other friends & sister (think she failed to maintain relationships) to talk to. I decided that I was going to move on from that . I'm not going to hold on to resentment for that, as she missed out on an awesome event. Also bad energy isnt good to be kept internally. I chat with her sporadically on messenger, but would never initiate conversation nor invite her to anything, ever again. If she ever invited me to her wedding in the future, I think I would do the same back, just to show how much it hurts!

FireflyRainbow · 11/04/2021 13:09

My friend had limited numbers and one of our male friends was only invited to the evening. They weren't very close or anything. He lived local and randomly turned up at the church to see the ceremony. Then he followed the cars to the venue for the sit down meal 😆 he messed up the tables as they had to squeeze in an extra chair then find a spare vegetarian meal 😆😆

RampantIvy · 11/04/2021 13:10

Why are people so offended at getting an evening invitation? Weddings are expensive. The assumption that people can afford to pay for all the guests they want to invite is astounding.
I feel privileged to get any kind of invitation regardless of whether it is for all day or just the evening and am not so full of my own self-importance that I go looking for offence where none is intended. Some of you really need to get over yourselves. Mumsnet is full of the professionally offended.

I don’t know anyone in RL who would be offended at getting an evening only invitation.

I also agree that if you have been invited to something and can’tgo/don’t want to go it is extremely rude not to notify the host.

Mamaslave21 · 11/04/2021 13:10

I had around 15 family members not show up for my evening reception. I’ve still not had an explanation over 10 years later.
I know they didn’t not attend because they were pissed off at an evening only invitation as it’s standard in my very large family to invite aunts and uncles to the day and cousins to the evening. I’m more annoyed at myself for inviting them as I’m not in contact with them but felt I should invite them out of politeness. I wish they’d just declined!

SarahBellam · 11/04/2021 13:10

I wouldn’t even have noticed she hadn’t shown up. I suppose the question is whether you think you is would have a nice time if you did meet up. If you think you would then go ahead. I’d find it hard to be annoyed by this after two years.

RosesAndHellebores · 11/04/2021 13:11

I'd assume they were pissed off at not being invited to the main event and didn't show up to spite you.

I simply don't understand the evening invite business. You shouldn't put friends into tiers, it's incredibly rude in my opinion. The budget should fit the friends and if you can't afford the swanky venue for all your friends you should have what you can afford.

A self catered buffet in a church hall is far classier than 70 people in a swanky hotel followed by a cheaper venue for 130 with a pay bar in the evening.

Changingwiththetimes · 11/04/2021 13:11

Annoying yes. But is this the first time in two years they have been in touch?? Can't be a very good friend in any case. But really life is too short to hold a grudge like this.

FireflyRainbow · 11/04/2021 13:12

He acted shocked when they put a meal infront of him and said he was expecting to watch everyone eat as he knows he wasn't invited 😆

seensome · 11/04/2021 13:12

I don't think it's a big deal for evening only guest, if I assume you haven't paid a head for them.

PrelovedWithValue · 11/04/2021 13:13

I am on your side OP. If the guest had said yes and then just didn’t turn up, that’s frankly rude. I don’t get why people are saying otherwise

Are they though?

Or are they just replying to the ops question, and saying they wouldn't hold a grudge for two years over it?

I didn't say it wasn't rude. I just wouldn't hold a grudge for two years over something like that.

TwoBreakingIntoOne · 11/04/2021 13:17

Grin I can see why you fall out with people OP
Are you stamping your foot at the way this thread has gone

Lorw · 11/04/2021 13:19

I’m getting married at the end of this year, we have to pay £50 per head for the evening guests so I would be upset, regardless of the cost cause it doesn’t matter how much/how little you paid, it’s about her accepting your invitation and then not showing up. I would just have it out with her and then move on if you would both like to be friends.

OldEvilOwl · 11/04/2021 13:20

What was their reason for not turning up? depends if they apologised at the time, and what the reason was to be honest

wheretonow123 · 11/04/2021 13:21

I think its a bit unfair on the OP to be diverted to an evening or full day only debate.

The reality is that some of us have a lot of relatives / friends and cannot afford inviting all to the full day but that the venue could take evening guests.

We had a really good evening at our wedding. It was a buffet style event. I cannot remember if some did or didnt attend.

If it was me OP, I would try and assess whether to meet up based on what suits you now and whether you would enjoy meeting up with this person and whether they are a good person overall separate from this.

Lostinthemail · 11/04/2021 13:22

We were never forgiven. It was a “come to congratulate us in the middle of a work day and bring a filled envelop”-event that lasted one and a half hours and we had a flat tire. By the time the tire was fixed, the “party” was over.

They were very, very pissed we dared to miss it. I heard later that even the wedding cake was day guests only, so I don’t feel I missed much 😂

Heysiriyouknob · 11/04/2021 13:22

My ex husband did this (at our own fucking wedding).

Half an hour in and I couldn't find him, I didn't have a phone on me and I couldn't remember his new number.

Eventually tracked him down and he'd gone to the pub with his mate down the road. Didn't come back either, said it was all "too posh" (it wasn't) and boring.

thebillyotea · 11/04/2021 13:24

@RampantIvy

Why are people so offended at getting an evening invitation? Weddings are expensive. The assumption that people can afford to pay for all the guests they want to invite is astounding. I feel privileged to get any kind of invitation regardless of whether it is for all day or just the evening and am not so full of my own self-importance that I go looking for offence where none is intended. Some of you really need to get over yourselves. Mumsnet is full of the professionally offended.

I don’t know anyone in RL who would be offended at getting an evening only invitation.

I also agree that if you have been invited to something and can’tgo/don’t want to go it is extremely rude not to notify the host.

No one is offended.

It just wouldn't occur to me to invite more people than I can afford, or to have sent secondary invitations: either you invite people, or ... you don't.

Apart from your dads gardening club buddy or your mum baking crew possibly.

Some of us don't have champagne taste but lemonade pockets. We don't need to show off and gather number to make us feel important.

You do know it's possible to have an opinion without being "offended" these days, don't you!

SteveArnottsbeadyeyes · 11/04/2021 13:24

DH has never forgiven a friend who didn’t turn up to our wedding (day guest though) as we suspect he was hungover. I personally don’t care, but he really was annoyed

islockdownoveryet · 11/04/2021 13:24

You don’t say who this evening guest is friend/relative/colleague?
Some people say bu for inviting evening only but some weddings are very close family and friends then the evening is rest of family and friends.
Tbh yes if it’s someone arranging to catch up I’d assume a friend rather than someone like great aunt Hilda who you felt you had to invite .