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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holding on to a grudge for a wedding no show?

509 replies

Sightforsoreeyez · 11/04/2021 12:10

Would you be upset at an evening guest that didn’t show up because they decided to go out drinking with their friends instead and never messaged on the day to say they weren’t showing up? Limited guests so I would have invited someone else.

Obviously this was a couple of years ago now but that person has since messaged me to meet up for a catch up. Am I silly for holding on to a grudge most people wouldn’t be bothered about?

OP posts:
Alreadyinmypyjamas · 11/04/2021 12:25

@Aprilshowersandhail

My friend DID turn up. At my child free wedding. With her 2 dc in tow... Angry
What did you do???
UhtredRagnarson · 11/04/2021 12:25

If they were an evening guest and they’re only getting in touch with you to meet up a few years later they’re hardly a close friend so I wouldn’t be worried about losing them.

weakpanda · 11/04/2021 12:25

Yes

I still hold a grudge 10 years later that my bil sent two of his kids with mil to my wedding as he had a dentist appointment. He finally picked them up at 8pm Angry

ComDummings · 11/04/2021 12:26

For an evening guest nah I wouldn’t be that bothered tbh.
Day guest would annoy me a bit but I couldn’t be arsed holding a grudge, no.

rosegoldivy · 11/04/2021 12:26

Had 3 day guests not show up.
2 because they slept in for a 2 o clock ceremony and didn't want to rush to get ready.
The other because "he forgot"

Yes. I'm still pissed off.

dangermouselovespeanutbutter · 11/04/2021 12:26

@Haggisfish

IMO why bother inviting people to evening only?
This is something I've only ever seen said on MN. In real life, for me anyway, evening invites have always been a thing. It's reasonable to not want to spend 50quid a head for 150 people, so you have close friends and family in the day and your wider social circle in the evening. Do people really get upset about that?
Original poster
Sightforsoreeyez · 11/04/2021 12:26

Don’t get the impression that I sit there and think about this all the time, I just found it very rude at the time. We had limited guests anyway for the day.

If it were me I would have messaged the bride/groom so they would have at least seen it at some point (even the next day).

This thread doesn’t need to be an evening guest debate, people have them and some don’t. Whichever way you view them doesn’t mean your opinion on evening guests is superior and the only right way.

OP posts:
Ohdoleavemealone · 11/04/2021 12:26

For an evening guest no I wouldn't hold a grudge.

A (very old ) friend of mine kicked off that I only invited her BF to the evening and said they wouldn't come at all if he couldn't come all day. When someone delcined I offered them the place. They left as soon as the meal was over (4pm) saying they had a christening the next day. I later found out they went to a local attraction before said christening.
I am holding a grudge for this.

JemimaJoy · 11/04/2021 12:27

One of my oldest friends not only didn't turn up to my wedding but made me late by claiming to be on the way when I phoned her that morning (she was meant to travel there with me). Didn't phone, didn't pick up my calls when I text and phoned to see if she was coming to the meal afterwards. Literally never heard from her again. Still no idea what happened!

littlepattilou · 11/04/2021 12:28

@Sightforsoreeyez I would not bother meeting up with this person. OR as a previous poster said, arrange to meet them and don't turn up. (And don't let them know you're not coming.)

Is this the first time they have contacted you since the wedding 2 years ago?

Aprilshowersandhail · 11/04/2021 12:30

On the morning of the wedding my dd showed me pics she had uploaded on Instagram of her dc in full wedding guest attire ..
Could hardly ring her and tell her not to bring them.
One wore a fuchsia pink dress and is peeping into every bloody photo like Where's friggin Wally?
Grin

Cindy87 · 11/04/2021 12:31

I had day guests not turn up on the day! Having paid for their meal. But tbh I was just in a happy bubble on the day and didn't really care. If you can let it go then do.

PricklesAndSpikes · 11/04/2021 12:32

I had the opposite problem, a work colleague said he was coming alone, decided to turn up with his wife and three kids! Confused

But I do have to agree with others, if they were only good enough to be "evening guest" friends they probably thought you wouldn't miss them and decided to go out with closer friends. It was rude of them not to let you know though. Is this the first time they have been in contact since?

SwedishK · 11/04/2021 12:33

I wanted to do this a couple of years ago. We were invited to the evening part of a colleague of my husband’s wedding. I had met the groom once, never the bride or anyone else going. I was driving because we had to get home that same evening since we were going away the next day and the wedding was an hour away from where we lived.

It was sooo hard to build up any excitement about going and all day I was wishing I would get sick or something so we had an excuse not to go. We did go in the end and it turned out that out of the 100 people there, 80 had been there all day and they were all plastered. I hated every minute of it, especially since I didn’t drink.

So yes, had it been up to me I would have happily not turned up. Not because I didn’t like the couple, but because if it’s an evening invite you already know you’re not that important to them.

Fairyliz · 11/04/2021 12:33

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I would hold a death grudge for the rest of my life. But then I am half Italian.
@Shehasadiamondinthesky I’m really good at bearing grudges to. Ooh I wonder if that’s where I get my dark hair and olive skin from, perhaps I’m part Italian exciting!
Wheelerdeeler · 11/04/2021 12:34

Would you go to a match at half time?

Ridiculous separating guests into day & evening. Either all or nothing

StCharlotte · 11/04/2021 12:34

DH and I met and married within a few months so I hadn't met all his friends. The wife of one of his sport team mates didn't come to the evening because she was hungover from the night before which I thought was a bit lame at the time but it didn't really bother me - after all she'd never met me and barely knew DH.

Twenty odd years later she's one of my very best friends and she still never goes out two nights in a row Grin

Travis1 · 11/04/2021 12:35

Evening guest? Nah. YABU round here evening guests aren’t fully catered for and if it was someone I was really bothered about they’d be invited all day.

Tinydinosaur · 11/04/2021 12:36

DHs auntie and uncle did this. They sent their (carboot sale) gift with his parents who they'd seen weeks before so had no intention of coming and just didn't tell us. A few months later they were at his cousins wedding where we weren't invited. Haven't bothered with them since.

Charm23 · 11/04/2021 12:37

I'm still a little bit miffed that one of my cousins just didn't show up to our wedding. He was meant to be a day guest, not just the evening. His dad would have been driving the rest of the family, he didn't need to get a gift so all he had to do was come but no. People don't think about the cost incurred and how if they just gave you notice you could invite someone else!

Dustyhedge · 11/04/2021 12:37

One of my uni friends didn’t bother turning up to my wedding. Didn’t even send a card. I think she totally forgot and couldn’t be arsed but I’d have rather she just declined at the time or at least let me know a little time ahead as I ended up paying for her family of 4 for the meals etc. I had people I couldn’t invite and could have easily managed to fill her places. It pissed me off so much.

Tinydinosaur · 11/04/2021 12:38

@Tinydinosaur

DHs auntie and uncle did this. They sent their (carboot sale) gift with his parents who they'd seen weeks before so had no intention of coming and just didn't tell us. A few months later they were at his cousins wedding where we weren't invited. Haven't bothered with them since.
Although it was a full day invite at a tiny church and we were very restricted on numbers. So angry to see empty seats at the meal when there were other people that could have been filling them.
TwoBreakingIntoOne · 11/04/2021 12:40

Yabu
If someone is only evening guest status they are bit parts so on fringes of your life. If they are so important why didn't you invite them properly

thebillyotea · 11/04/2021 12:40

"evening guest" is not a guest, just someone you invite to make up the numbers with a clear message they are not on your A list, or some random from your mums book club that you never met but she would be happy to see.

If you wanted to see a certain person to your wedding, you invite them to the wedding.

It's the "evening guest" who could be entitled to hold a grudge for being treated like that, if they were under the impression you were friends.

CroutonsAvatar · 11/04/2021 12:41

I had four family members pull out for the actual day on the morning because the mum wasn’t well and apparently if she couldn’t go then none of them should. Hmm

I didn’t really hold them too close after that. But it doesn’t keep me up at night.

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