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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holding on to a grudge for a wedding no show?

509 replies

Sightforsoreeyez · 11/04/2021 12:10

Would you be upset at an evening guest that didn’t show up because they decided to go out drinking with their friends instead and never messaged on the day to say they weren’t showing up? Limited guests so I would have invited someone else.

Obviously this was a couple of years ago now but that person has since messaged me to meet up for a catch up. Am I silly for holding on to a grudge most people wouldn’t be bothered about?

OP posts:
coogee · 11/04/2021 12:41

I have absolutely no idea whether or not any our our guests didn't show up. Close family all did. We had more people turn up during the day than we were expecting.

Confusedandshaken · 11/04/2021 12:42

I did this when I was younger. I didn’t realise how important guest lists were and just assumed that no one would even miss me in the throng. How wrong I was!

GizmoBasil · 11/04/2021 12:43

YABU if its an evening guest only.
One of my day guests got us halfway through the meal to go see his girlfriend in another town, didn't even say goodbye

sweeneytoddsrazor · 11/04/2021 12:43

I wouldn't be worried if it was an evening only guest. Neither would I accept a last minute oh you can come because x has dropped out invite.

Candyfloss99 · 11/04/2021 12:44

I think they are probably holding a grudge that you only thought they deserved an invite to the evening, you can't have thought they are that much of a friend.

NewSparkle · 11/04/2021 12:44

@PrelovedWithValue

An evening guest? So someone that isn't close enough to invite to your marriage ceremony?

Wouldn't bother me.

Agree with this 100%.
Original poster
Sightforsoreeyez · 11/04/2021 12:49

Oh ok well if people are turning this into an evening guest debate then I’m off. That’s not the thread.

People do things differently. Your way isn’t the only and right way.

If I get invited to anything and don’t go then as a decent human being I tell that person.

Bye.

OP posts:
poppycat10 · 11/04/2021 12:51

@PrelovedWithValue

An evening guest? So someone that isn't close enough to invite to your marriage ceremony?

Wouldn't bother me.

Me neither. Evening guests are low on your priority list, so why would s/he put you high on theirs?

Very different if they've been invited all day and don't show for no good reason.

WowIlikereallyhateyou · 11/04/2021 12:52

@Haggisfish

IMO why bother inviting people to evening only?
Totally agree, if you don’t want them enough to the whole thing why invite to an evening do. Really don’t see the point. Why not have a relaxed wedding breakfast without the worry of evening reception timings.
poppycat10 · 11/04/2021 12:52

I do agree someone should have the courtesy to say they are not coming. But you usually have a lot of people at a wedding, so it's not like you're left with nobody there if someone doesn't turn up.

Fluffycloudland77 · 11/04/2021 12:52

@Scarby9

Yes. I hold a grudge about a former work colleague who didn't turn up to my 50th and didn't let me know. The numbers were strictly limited and I had paid £30 a head. When I saw her on the Monday she said she had been 'all cosy in my jim-jams and I just couldn't be bothered'.
Oh you should have killed her there and then when she said Jim-jams. It’s cruel to let her go on like that it really is.
FireflyRainbow · 11/04/2021 12:53

Most people would be bothered op. YANBU

PRsecrets · 11/04/2021 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dasher789 · 11/04/2021 12:54

I wouldn't be bothered if someone i invited to the evening reception didn't show up. In my experience evening guests are nice to have but they are just number fillers. If they mattered that much they would have made the day list.

MiddleClassProblem · 11/04/2021 12:54

But it is relevant that they were an evening guest as maybe they feel something from “evening only so I don’t matter” to “how lovely! A wedding” so might be worth considering that.

littlepattilou · 11/04/2021 12:55

@Sightforsoreeyez

Oh ok well if people are turning this into an evening guest debate then I’m off. That’s not the thread.

People do things differently. Your way isn’t the only and right way.

If I get invited to anything and don’t go then as a decent human being I tell that person.

Bye.

Not being funny, but I have asked twice, and a couple of others have asked too.. 'is this the first time this person has contacted you in the two years since your wedding?' and you haven't answered........

It's hard to give a firm and clear response to you, without knowing that.

Also, I never slated you for inviting this person to the evening do only, and said she could still have let you know she wasn't coming...

BRB2021 · 11/04/2021 12:56

Yes, rude.

Doesnt matter what the occasion, manners maketh the (wo)man - to accept an invite to meet up for coffee and not turn up would be bad enough, but a catered event is downright rude

littlepattilou · 11/04/2021 12:56

@Fluffycloudland77

Oh you should have killed her there and then when she said Jim-jams. It’s cruel to let her go on like that it really is.

This. ^ We all know it's 'jimmy-jambobs.'

Grace58 · 11/04/2021 12:57

YANBU! I still hold a grudge about our friend who was invited to the whole day of our wedding. The day before our wedding shetold me that she'd be leaving after the meal because she had tickets to a show, and she shamefacedly snuck out during the speeches and we've now let the friendship lapse so haven't seen her since. This was a really close friend, close enough that I nearly asked her to be a bridesmaid, we were just trying to keep costs down so I only had one in the end. I was really hurt by it. It was a wedding where she knew loads of people too, so it wasn't that she felt awkward or anything - she just quite literally had a better offer and thought it was appropriate to do that!

Wineat5isfine · 11/04/2021 12:58

Try not to worry about it...life is complicated enough. Let the smaller things slide...

Years ago, during a heatwave, husband and I were sat in the garden preparing for a bbq later that day. Neighbours casually mentioned that they’d had people drop out of their evening do that evening...and they wanted to invite us.

We were quite taken aback - didn’t know then particularly well tbh. We said we had plans, but thank you - wished them well etc. The husband to be reiterated that we’d been invited to an evening do and it would be much better than a “boring home bbq”. We laughed awkwardly...he handed us an invite and said he would see us later.

Cut a long story short, we didn’t go...we had a lovely bbq at home, as we had planned!

For the remained of the 3 years that we loved next door they refused to talk to us because we didn’t go. Hilarious!!!!!!

ImInStealthMode · 11/04/2021 12:59

I really don't think I'd have noticed a missing evening guest on the day itself to be honest, nor would I have received the message if they'd sent one on the day. Our evening guests were colleagues, neighbours etc. The people who wanted to celebrate with us but weren't close enough to attend our very small day event.

chaosrabbitland · 11/04/2021 13:00

she was a no show at your wedding and hasnt contacted you in 2 years ! my reply to her text message about a catch up would be , sorry cant be bothered . and honestly op can you actually be bothered to catch up with her , i suspect not

PrelovedWithValue · 11/04/2021 13:00

Whether it was just 'evening only' or not is irrelevant. The OP's 'friend' should still have let her know they weren't coming. It's bloody rude to not be arsed

While I don't disagree with you, that wasn't the question.

The question was about holding a grudge two years later. And for that, for me, the guests being evening guests is entirely relevant. I wouldn't be holding a grudge two years later because an evening guest didn't turn up.

Marriagegoingtoimplode · 11/04/2021 13:01

@PrelovedWithValue

An evening guest? So someone that isn't close enough to invite to your marriage ceremony?

Wouldn't bother me.

This, probably felt like a second rate guest just being invited as an evening guest.
peak2021 · 11/04/2021 13:01

OP, I agree that the no-show without so much as a phone call or text, is unreasonable. Unless serious illness perhaps.

I would decline the invite if I was you.