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AIBU?

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Original poster

Holding on to a grudge for a wedding no show?

509 replies

Sightforsoreeyez · 11/04/2021 12:10

Would you be upset at an evening guest that didn’t show up because they decided to go out drinking with their friends instead and never messaged on the day to say they weren’t showing up? Limited guests so I would have invited someone else.

Obviously this was a couple of years ago now but that person has since messaged me to meet up for a catch up. Am I silly for holding on to a grudge most people wouldn’t be bothered about?

OP posts:
Fembot123 · 11/04/2021 13:46

We had no shows to our actual day do but I have forgiven them.

LivingOnAnIsland · 11/04/2021 13:47

It's bad manners, regardless of whether it's an all-day guest, an evening guest or a Sunday afternoon picnic. I'd be cross.

Crosstrainer · 11/04/2021 13:47

If you’ve said you’re going to go to something, then you go. It’s fine to say yours not going if you don’t want to. Yes, shit happens and people are ill/cars break down etc - but then you make damned sure you send apologies as soon as possible and again after the event. I’d hold a grudge against some “all cosy in my PJs and couldn’t be bothered” wanker; I certainly wouldn’t invite them to anything again.

Fembot123 · 11/04/2021 13:47

I hate being an evening guest as everyone is hammered but I’d decline if I wasn’t going to go.

TimmyOnTheBrain · 11/04/2021 13:53

@Haggisfish

I hate evening only invites. I wouldn’t think to send a message for not going either as I would assume bride would be busy on the day.
Well then the decent thing to do is decline the invitation, not say you're going (taking a place someone else could have had) and then not bother to turn up! It's just basic manners.
DioneTheDiabolist · 11/04/2021 13:54

I was too busy being loved up and having a blast on my Wedding day to be concerned about no shows. YABU to cling onto your grudge @Sightforsoreeyez.

PrelovedWithValue · 11/04/2021 13:56

Are you married? You'd be happy with them wasting your hard earned cash?

I'm separated. And while I wouldn't be happy with the waste of money (what an odd thing to ask!), I wouldn't still be going on about it two years later!

Alsohuman · 11/04/2021 13:56

I wouldn’t even have noticed they hadn’t shown up, let alone held it against them for years.

Blondeshavemorefun · 11/04/2021 13:56

@Haggisfish

IMO why bother inviting people to evening only?
Coz many venues hold a certain number for a wedding

And cost comes into it as well

Blondeshavemorefun · 11/04/2021 13:58

Yes I hold grudges lol

What they did was rude

I probably wouidnt meet them

Esp if wedding was a few years ago and only getting In touch now

But I would have also sent them a message next day /week saying sorry that didn’t see them at your wedding. Hope they weren’t ill etx

Landofthefree · 11/04/2021 14:03

I had to cancel attending a friend’s wedding due to a sudden, serious illness. I called her three days before the big day to explain and apologise She shouted at me and had a real go at me. She told me off for not letting her know sooner! I still hold a grudge many years later as she was so unkind and I know I didn’t deserve that.

It’s very rude to just not show up to a wedding without any explanation. YANBU

eatsleepread · 11/04/2021 14:03

Someone who could do that has different values to me. So I wouldn't think there was any point in meeting up.

Nanny0gg · 11/04/2021 14:03

@Tarantallegra

I'd assume that evening invites mean no cost so no limit and it wouldn't matter that much. If I'd said I was going then I would go though so I do think it's a bit rude
Of course they cost! Most have buffets which are booked at so much per head.

Plus the OP said she would have invited someone else if they'd declined.

HalfTermHalfTerm · 11/04/2021 14:05

The drama on here surrounding evening wedding guests is something I have never encountered in real life. The only wedding I’ve been to as an evening guest was perfectly pleasant and I was pleased to be invited. They provided a buffet (which they had to organise separately as the venue didn’t include catering) and put some money behind the bar, so it did still cost them money for the evening guests to be there. We were the only ‘second tier’ guests who took a gift too (although I don’t know if that’s the norm) so I don’t think that was the reason we were all invited either Hmm

If they were specifically invited OP (instead of an open invitation for ‘all’ of your work colleagues to attend, or ‘all’ people from a particular hobby) and they told you they would come then I think it was rude of them to not let you know.

mam0918 · 11/04/2021 14:07

An evening guest?

what would messaging on the day do?
You're never suppose to message the bride on the day and its not really like you would be running round doing guest admin, you likely wouldnt even notice.

I think this is a total over reaction... if it was a full day guest who just randomly no showed on the day I would be pissed but evening guests really arent that serious in fact I have never even seen RSVPs for evening guests before just a come if you can style invite.

thebillyotea · 11/04/2021 14:08

IMO why bother inviting people to evening only?

because you want a posh big wedding but you can't afford it!

mam0918 · 11/04/2021 14:10

@Alsohuman

I wouldn’t even have noticed they hadn’t shown up, let alone held it against them for years.
totally this, its bizarre to me the bride obsessed on this... I had a covid wedding, 14 guests and 3 didnt come but no grudges held and they where important people.

had I had the big wedding I wouldnt even notice a missing evening guest, even with just a handful of family I was so busy.

lavenderlou · 11/04/2021 14:12

It was rude not to send an apology but I would also have assumed as an evening guest that I wouldn't be missed. When I've attended weddings as a guest in the evenings it's been for local acquaintances or work colleagues and I've barely even got to say hello to the B&G. The food has been a bacon sandwich or cheese and crackers so not something that would have cost a great deal.

I generally turn down evening-only invites now as you've missed all the good bits of the wedding so they should have refused the invitation if it wasn't an occasion they were particularly interested in. I wouldn't bear a grudge about it this far along. If you haven't heard from them in two years you're clearly not that close anyway.

For day guests to be no-shows is very rude as there is often a limit on numbers and a high price per guest.

WeeWelshWoman · 11/04/2021 14:12

An ex-friend (not because if this, but I should have seen this as a huge red-flag) RSVPed no because of a conference to our wedding. Then 3-weeks out, changed to RSVP yes and asked to being her boyfriend of a couple of months with her. Being waaay too accomodating, I rejigged the seating plan so she and her plus one (she had not been given a plus one) could attend.

She didn't show. Didn't message. She told a mutual friend who was supposed to be staying with her that she felt a bit off and decided to stay home. But only after that friend (already at our wedding) called her to find out where on earth she was.

Would have taken a minute to text me to say she couldn't make it.

TheCrowening · 11/04/2021 14:13

Day guests yes, evening guests no.
Close friends would have come to the whole wedding, evening was for acquaintances such as work colleagues or people I see occasionally. Outlay was different too, financially. I had a small wedding with 30 day guests and a handful more in the evening, a couple of which didn’t come, but i never thought any more of it.

PrelovedWithValue · 11/04/2021 14:13

@eatsleepread

Someone who could do that has different values to me. So I wouldn't think there was any point in meeting up.
Or maybe they have social anxiety very different to you. Or mental health very different to you.

It sounds like the person was invited solo. The thought of walking into an event like that on your own can be daunting to a lot of people.

I'm sure the op will say there's no such problems - but it's not always easy to know.

HalfTermHalfTerm · 11/04/2021 14:14

@thebillyotea

IMO why bother inviting people to evening only?

because you want a posh big wedding but you can't afford it!

Or just a big wedding? I won’t ever be having a ‘posh’ wedding. I think it’s a waste of money unless it’s something you can afford easily, which we can’t. But my partner has a large extended family (I haven’t even met most of them) so to me it would be logical if we did get married to have additional evening guests. I can think of plenty of people who I wouldn’t expect to pay £50+ for me to attend the day part of their wedding but I’d rather go to a reception (mix with friends, see the dress etc) than not go at all!
Whiskeylover45 · 11/04/2021 14:15

In the nicest way OP I do think your being unreasonable. An evening guest who isn't important to come to the actual wedding, sit down meal and hear the speech's, but to come along later for a few hours party, presumably to make up numbers? I don't think that's fair to hold a grudge when you didn't think you were close enough to invite them to the whole thing in the first place. However I once did this, didn't turn up. I should have messaged admittedly, but it was from seven pm till late in a hugely rural area, and I don't think she really thought about the logistics of me getting there and back as I don't drive. Taxis would have come to 40 quid each way so a lot of money. She'd already said she wanted the hotel rooms to be reserved for full day guests so I took the view I wasn't that important to her big day so did it really matter if I turned up for a few hours in the evening or not? If she wasn't close enough to attend the whole thing, I think it's a bit precious of you getting upset and holding a grudge that she didn't attend the evening do. Either let it go meet up and see how it goes, or don't. But holding a grudge is a bit silly considering the circumstances

KatherineJaneway · 11/04/2021 14:15

If I hadn't considered them close enough to invite them to the whole event, then I shouldn't get upset they don't show up for a evening only invite.

Matilda1981 · 11/04/2021 14:16

I think we need to know how many were invited to the ceremony and how many to the evening bit? Everyone’s implying that evening guests are second class citizens but I’m only having 30 to my ceremony (including my 4 girls as bridesmaids) so limited numbers and then we’re having a massive party afterwords so really the people invited in the evening aren’t ‘second class citizens’ they’re al of our friends!