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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holding on to a grudge for a wedding no show?

509 replies

Sightforsoreeyez · 11/04/2021 12:10

Would you be upset at an evening guest that didn’t show up because they decided to go out drinking with their friends instead and never messaged on the day to say they weren’t showing up? Limited guests so I would have invited someone else.

Obviously this was a couple of years ago now but that person has since messaged me to meet up for a catch up. Am I silly for holding on to a grudge most people wouldn’t be bothered about?

OP posts:
AllThatIAmRoom101 · 13/04/2021 08:42

@Aprilshowersandhail

On the morning of the wedding my dd showed me pics she had uploaded on Instagram of her dc in full wedding guest attire .. Could hardly ring her and tell her not to bring them. One wore a fuchsia pink dress and is peeping into every bloody photo like Where's friggin Wally? Grin
You didnt invite your Grandchildren to your wedding?😯
CeibaTree · 13/04/2021 08:47

I wouldn't have been bothered if an evening guest didn't show up - if they were that important to me they would have been an all day guest.

twinmum2007 · 13/04/2021 09:07

@AllThatIAmRoom101

It was another guest that posted pics of her non-invited dc on her insta feed, which the pp's dd spotted.

BRB2021 · 13/04/2021 09:33

@Sightforsoreeyez glad to see you are back! So are you going to meet up with her?

AllThatIAmRoom101 · 13/04/2021 09:37

[quote twinmum2007]@AllThatIAmRoom101

It was another guest that posted pics of her non-invited dc on her insta feed, which the pp's dd spotted.[/quote]
Ah, I see, sorry, got the total wrong end of the stick

Aprilshowersandhail · 13/04/2021 10:00

Friend's dc in outfits. My dd saw the pictures.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 13/04/2021 10:08

If you can't afford to entertain everyone at a swanky hotel, accept you can't afford it and hire a village hall

Not everyone lives in a village (or areas where community halls are commonplace). As a guest, I wouldn’t a couple to have to redesign their day just so that I and a few others could have a three-course meal instead of simply joining for a buffet later.

RosesAndHellebores · 13/04/2021 10:14

Who said anything about everyone having a three course meal? If you can only afford three courses for 50 and want 85/100 guests, have something simpler for all 85/100.

If Covid does anything positive I hope one thing will be to rein in the fur coat and no knickers weddings that go on. A £20k+ wedding is fine if thencouple have £20k and it doesn't impinge on anything else or contribute to debt.

VestaTilley · 13/04/2021 10:16

YANBU. I wouldn’t hold a grudge but I also wouldn’t bother to see them again.

Missing someone’s wedding, even “just” a night do is incredibly poor form and I wouldn’t bother with someone if they’d done it to me without a very good explanation and apology.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 13/04/2021 10:19

@RosesAndHellebores

Who said anything about everyone having a three course meal? If you can only afford three courses for 50 and want 85/100 guests, have something simpler for all 85/100.

If Covid does anything positive I hope one thing will be to rein in the fur coat and no knickers weddings that go on. A £20k+ wedding is fine if thencouple have £20k and it doesn't impinge on anything else or contribute to debt.

Well alright then - I, as a guest, still wouldn’t want the couple to have to change their plans just to avoid having evening guests. The point is the same regardless of where you cut back.

Your point about debt is a different issue, and I agree it’s silly to get yourself into debt. But spending £20k when you can only afford £10k has the same result whether you spend £20k on a fancy venue with a small guest list, or on a simpler venue with a large guest list.

thebillyotea · 13/04/2021 10:22

It's not about having to change their plans, that's not how you organise a wedding. Grin

I mean, if you book a fancy venue, expensive wedding invitations and flowers, a photographer THEN work out your budget and finally work out who to squeeze in so the photos look good , it's a choice

but that's a pretty tacky way to organise a wedding.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 13/04/2021 10:26

It's not about having to change their plans, that's not how you organise a wedding. Grin

Really? You don’t think the venue is one of the first things a couple chooses?

thebillyotea · 13/04/2021 10:27

@StillCoughingandLaughing

It's not about having to change their plans, that's not how you organise a wedding. Grin

Really? You don’t think the venue is one of the first things a couple chooses?

apparently it is, but everyone I know worked out budget and numbers before starting to investigate venues... Because normal people prioritise people over tacky photos 🤷
SnoopyOnALude · 13/04/2021 10:47

I would hold a grudge about the lack of apology afterwards, just rude not to acknowledge their no show, but to be frank, the subtext to the evening only invitation is 'you're not important enough to come to my ACTUAL wedding, so come to the after thing, where it won't cost us anything as the sort of people who do 'evening invitations' definitely won't have a free bar

RosesAndHellebores · 13/04/2021 10:49

Agree @thebillyotea. If you can't afford £20k on a swanky hotel then you can't afford £20k on a massive humbler choice for more people.

Our wedding plans started with who needed to be invited and then the dates the church had available followed by deciding on the venue. If we hadn't been able to have a tent at home, it would have been a smaller affair than the 100 guests we had. If the budget hadn't stretched to a sit down meal followed by music and dancing it would have been a half marquee with canapés and a two hour reception.

30 years ago I had a relatively modest frock, a friend of my mother's did the bouquet and button holes, mother did the flowers, a friend did the cake and we bunged a bit of ribbon on the family cars.

The big ticket items were the invitations and orders of service and as much if not more time went into planning the service as planning the party afterwards.

No favours, no flammery, just a sensible country wedding and 30 years on I still remember it as the best day of my life and we still spend major celebratory days from that time with our closest friends. Christenings, New Year, and now children's, weddings.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 13/04/2021 11:07

Could they have been offended that they only got invited to the evening?

RampantIvy · 13/04/2021 11:30

@Talkwhilstyouwalk

Could they have been offended that they only got invited to the evening?
If she is a mumsnetter yes Grin
Jeffam · 13/04/2021 11:37

We had an Afternoon Tea at a posh Manor house for our daughters 21st birthday, we invited my brother his wife and two grown children. We had to give final numbers 48 hours before so I checked that everyone was still coming, my brother told me that they were all looking forward to it.
On the day everyone turned up except my brothers wife and daughter, no call no apology no nothing. When I asked I was told his wife had a migraine but no reason regarding his daughter........
I was upset by his nonchalance and lack of giving a sh*t we could have invited two more of Dd friends #stillholdingagrudge

Madamum18 · 13/04/2021 11:41

To be honest I think you needed to address the issue at the time rather han just letting resentment fester. You could have met up with them and said "I felt really annoyed with you for not letting me know that you were not using your place at the wedding, as if I'd known I could have invited someone else's! Then the 2 of you could have discussed and moved on!

It's a bit late to bring it up now though ...although better to tell her than just avoid her!

riddles26 · 13/04/2021 11:46

OP MN is not the place to ask about weddings - it is a parallel universe where evening guests and gifts are concerned!

In my culture, an evening invite is still an invite and often preferred to a full day (unless it is someone super close) as our weddings have lengthy ceremonies which involve much of the family but no friends that we all have to sit silently and watch whilst a bit bored (if I am completely honest). Once the ceremony is over, the fun begins. The evening is still fully catered, alcohol included in almost all cases and everyone is relaxed because the ceremony is done. We have all the speeches etc at this point too. Evening guests are never 'to make up numbers for minimum spend' as some have suggested and each person usually costs the couple more than the ceremony

(Equally, cash/voucher gifts are the done thing in our culture and no-one would be seen arriving at a wedding/reception with box of any sort...)

I appreciate it is different for different cultures but where weddings are concerned, I feel 99% of women on MN belong to the same culture and are completely oblivious that others do it different to them.

FWIW I completely agree with you that it is extremely rude to just not show up at the last minute with no apology. It shows no consideration for the friendship and whilst I would not hold a grudge, I certainly would be making no effort to maintain the friendship

thebillyotea · 13/04/2021 11:51

I appreciate it is different for different cultures but where weddings are concerned, I feel 99% of women on MN belong to the same culture and are completely oblivious that others do it different to them.

Being aware of the cultural difference with weddings in China or Zimbabwe make no difference over the judgement about a local wedding, when we are talking about a local wedding! It's completely irrelevant.

Harmonypuss · 13/04/2021 12:04

I've not read all 18 pages of this thread, only the first but to me, no matter which part(s) of your wedding celebrations you invite someone to, there are considerations, be they cost or limits on numbers due to the size of the venue.
If someone feels aggrieved that they've 'only' been invited to the evening part - don't accept the invitation!
If someone has a 'genuine' reason for not turning up, accident, illness etc, that can be accepted and maybe someone else could be asked as a last minute guest on the basis of 'not invited previously due to number/cost restrictions but had last minute drop out due to illness/accident'.

Actually, my bridesmaid almost didn't make it to my wedding!

She was (meant to be) my hairdresser/ makeup artist too, I was calling her every 15 minutes on the morning of my wedding and she kept saying that she was waiting for her partner to finish work (I'd previously been told he was coming off a night shift at 4am and would have a few hours sleep then they'd be with me by 10am).
At 1pm I was still waiting for her and the ceremony was due to start at 3pm!
She eventually arrived at 1.55pm.
I had to wash my hair and put my own makeup on whilst she was getting herself into her dress which annoyed me, then with such a tiny window of time before we had to leave the house I actually left for my wedding with wet, unstyled hair!
She'd also been on holiday the previous week and got herself a really red sunburn all around her neck and chest but the pattern wasn't conducive with the neckline of her bridesmaid's dress so you could see the sunburn and white patches (not great on the wedding photos!) which got my back up even more.
With hindsight (what a marvelous thing that is!), I think it would have been better if she hadn't turned up that day, I'd have done my hair and makeup earlier rather than sitting around waiting for her plus she wouldn't have ruined the photos.

riddles26 · 13/04/2021 12:04

OP has not stated her culture to know whether evening invites are the norm or not. Funnily enough, my British friends also do not seen an evening event as an insult, it just seems to be the case on MN Confused

thebillyotea · 13/04/2021 12:15

Who said it was an insult? It's just tacky.

FelicityCentre · 13/04/2021 12:38

I invited a friend I have known since we were 10 to my 40th birthday party at a local hotel, 15 mins from her house. Other mutual friends going and she knows all my family. Her partner was also invited. She didnt show up and didnt contact me. I wasnt overly fussed (was too busy with other guests) and made a mental note to check if she was ok in a few days. Next morning woke up to a text saying sorry she hadnt come, she had gone to A and E as she'd had really bad period pains. Friendship continued as normal. Chatting to her a few months later and she brought the night up and she had clearly forgot her lie and said she just couldnt be arsed and was tired so watched netflix in her PJs.

Havnt bothered with her since. She keeps asking to meet up and I have no interest in her now, further than a polite "hello". Its the lie teamed with the lack of text that bothers me. If she had just been honest I would have thought less of her but it wouldnt be a friendship ender.