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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holding on to a grudge for a wedding no show?

509 replies

Sightforsoreeyez · 11/04/2021 12:10

Would you be upset at an evening guest that didn’t show up because they decided to go out drinking with their friends instead and never messaged on the day to say they weren’t showing up? Limited guests so I would have invited someone else.

Obviously this was a couple of years ago now but that person has since messaged me to meet up for a catch up. Am I silly for holding on to a grudge most people wouldn’t be bothered about?

OP posts:
TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 12/04/2021 18:22

@Wheelerdeeler

Would you go to a match at half time?

Ridiculous separating guests into day & evening. Either all or nothing

What a load of bullshit. Only on MN do I ever this sort of stupid comment when weddings have been this way for many many years.
greyscully · 12/04/2021 18:24

Have you not seen that person in the two years after the wedding?
Why meet up?

I'd be tempted to message back with a short list of key events to cover the catch up. Among them: I got married, did I tell you?

StillCoughingandLaughing · 12/04/2021 18:25

@paws17

Yes, it's undoubtedly rude for anyone formally invited to any official "do" not to give their apologies in advance - but don't forget how it might feel to be given an evening only invite when you may have been led to believe that you were thought highly enough as a friend to be invited to the main event.

I try not to hold on to grudges - for my own sanity's sake - but it still rankles that a very close friend "demoted" us to evening only because we happened to have had children in the interim period - and didn't think to ask us if we could have got babysitters for the kids, which we'd have been happy to do...

Did you reject the invite? Or did you accept, but not turn up?
EllieHJ · 12/04/2021 18:32

I had a no show who didn't bother to let me know who I haven't really had much to do with since. That was to the whole wedding though and we weren't really close friends - it was her, her partner and her kid and we paid for all of them.

I agree with what someone said about knowing your friends from acquaintances. I've been married 18 years now and to tell the truth if I did it again I would have a very small wedding and the real friends that came are still around. The old work acquaintances are long gone.

Somersetlady · 12/04/2021 18:33

I had to do this for full day wedding the bride has not spoken to me since.

I am better off without such a self centred odd ball in my life🤷‍♀️

I spoke to her the evening before.

On the day we had left about an hour up the road (90 min journey) hotel room booked person who had kids rang to say youngest none verbal was vomiting.

Contacted venue to ask them to inform wedding planner not coming. Did not text bride as by this point was an hour before the ceremony.

Contacted bride after and she blanked me ever since.

Sick child or snotty bride? Definitely made the right choice!!!

Staffy1 · 12/04/2021 18:36

I would be quite happy to be an evening guest. Miss the boring ceremony and go to the party. I know someone that had ceremony only guests, evening only guests and some that were invited to both. I would not have been impressed to only be invited to the church bit and then expected to piss off. I presume they expected presents from all of them. That was the firs time I had heard of anyone not inviting people to the full wedding.

NotMeekNotObedient · 12/04/2021 18:43

I wouldn't bother with them. Incredibly rude and inconsiderate- people know how much weddings cost and how it's likely numbers will be limited because of this.

A friend of my husband's did this (we got a last min bullshit excuse at least - it was clear they weren't coming as would have had to have travelled the night before etc.). I have no problem with people declining invites but don't say you'll come, take up a space I could have used for someone else and then expect to be all chummy. I may be biased though as this was a day guest and we had a strict number of 25 guests max and there were a lot of people we wanted to invite but couldn't. We didn't have a lot of money and after scriping and saving did resent paying for a meal that was never eaten. No longer a friend.

lucie82 · 12/04/2021 18:45

I had someone do this for the whole day! I had booked them a room and everything! They just stopped replying to my messages, so I cancelled their meal and room. They messsged me a couple of years ago and said I was selfish and childish for being upset, I swiftly blocked her

Toomuchtrouble4me · 12/04/2021 18:47

Yes! Arrange to meet and don’t show up. Then ghost her.

Tal45 · 12/04/2021 19:03

I would be wondering why she suddenly wants to meet up again now?

waitingpatientlyforspring · 12/04/2021 19:10

@LawnFever

Depends if you were catering per head for the evening or not, mostly it’s a buffet and you only cater for about 70% so no it wouldn’t bother me that much - if it was a closer friend they’d have been invited all day anyway
This is exactly how I feel.

We only had a buffet for all as we couldn't afford a sit down meal, my parents are divorced so a top table sounded hell and I wanted everyone to be able to go to the wedding too.

We had a small number of guests who didn't come without saying, I wasn't overly bothered, although one was vegan and I was embarrassed when the venue brought out a plate just for my vegan friend who didn't come.

Another friend texted me the next day to say she couldn't come that night, I said its a good job as the wedding was last night 😂

LisaD76 · 12/04/2021 19:12

For all those moaning that if the person wasn’t important enough to be invited to the ceremony...... have none of you been married in a registry office... when my nephew got married he was allowed 30 people including bride and groom, no people standing so even close family could only go to the evening as he has a large family.... it’s not an insult .... those of us with small children didn’t go to the ceremony as he had no room for kids as well, this in turn freed up room for other close friends/family that could go without their children

LauraPearl · 12/04/2021 19:14

YANBU to be cross that they were a no-show.

Where I think YABU is that it appears that you've never discussed it with them (I might be wrong here). Did they tell you after that they had gone out drinking with mates instead? Or are you assuming that? If it were me, and I was pissed off about it, I would have text to say that I was disappointed at their no-show - to give them a chance to explain and/or apologise.

WombatChocolate · 12/04/2021 19:25

I would have made contact after honey moon too.

I wouldn’t have said I was disappointed by no show, but expressed concern about if they were okay. I’d have kept it light and breezy, leaving the ball in their court. Sometimes with these things there’s a very genuine reason or they refer you to an email that went to junk that you then find.

Just blanking then forever more is a bit.....teenage???

After you’ve heard back from them you are in a better position to know if it was a genuine issue, cock-up or just not being bothered. I wouldn’t want to react until I knew that.

Could be this was one of those ‘rent a friend’ people such as a colleague you barely knew or someone you’d met a couple of times. Perhaps you wouldn’t pursue this friendship very hard after a no-show, but if a good friend, relations might cool a little for a while before recovering, depending on reason, or actually carry on as usual. It’s not impossible.

Like most things there are shades of grey and a bit of digging is needed to decide on best response rather than leaping to conclusions. Communication is king!

CrankyFrankie · 12/04/2021 19:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bertiebiscuit · 12/04/2021 19:31

Dump them

HalfTermHalfTerm · 12/04/2021 19:32

If people mean ‘big’ in a sense of a large number of guests I don’t really see how it’s considered tacky to have a large number of people at a second wedding. I don’t think you automatically like less people just because you’ve been married once before 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh well. Hopefully if my boyfriend and I get married in the future anyone who thinks the wedding is tacky will just stay at home!

twinmum2007 · 12/04/2021 19:33

@HeartsAndClubs

one couple decided to split up that day (i was so cross they couldn't have held it goether just for one extra evening) how very dare they not pretend to be happily married for a day longer just so they could go and make up the numbers at your wedding. Jesus Christ.

It was only £70. As opposed to their whole lives. But that put a dampener on your wedding? Skewed priorities much?

Oooops. My bad. I really should have used one of those official MN emoji thingys to indicate 'joke' or 'lighthearted' Obviously, it didn't put a dampner on my evening. We had so much fun we probably didn't even notice they weren't there.
Ginseng1 · 12/04/2021 19:39

Wouldn't bother me as evening invite. We invited a bunch to our evening just work colleagues who might fancy s night out some came some didn't whatever. Our close friends got the full invite. Maybe your friends were insulted not to get full invite & are now ready to forgive you?!!

1forAll74 · 12/04/2021 19:41

I would just not bother about this,and would forget about it immediately. No point holding grudges, for such a minor issue.

Buffs · 12/04/2021 19:43

I personally would view an evening invitation as more casual, not invited to ceremony, not invited to the lunch so presumably not leaving an empty seat. I wouldn’t be overly offended by someone not turning up for evening drinks.

GreyhoundG1rl · 12/04/2021 19:45

Oooops. My bad. I really should have used one of those official MN emoji thingys to indicate 'joke' or 'lighthearted' Obviously, it didn't put a dampner on my evening. We had so much fun we probably didn't even notice they weren't there.
Well, your second post gives the lie to that, twinmum 🙄

Turningthecorner · 12/04/2021 20:18

@OverTheRainbow88

No, I find just inviting someone to the evening more rude IMO
I like being invited to evening only, it doesn’t cost me as much and I get to have a few hours out with the DC 🥳
MerlinTheWizard · 12/04/2021 21:06

I find evening only invites quite rude tbh. Usually only consist of buffet and dance so not a huge cost. Surely if you have your day guests there anyway, those that are most important to you, what does it matter if evening guests are a no-show? Of course it’s rude for them to accept and then not to let you know they can’t make it. But I wouldn’t waste anymore energy on it & would return the favour. Accept loosely and don’t show 😁

I had first cousins who decided to leave my wedding day because they made plans that evening to have dinner with friends, when I spent 3 days at their wedding! (Asian wedding) They could not give 1 day to me, really selfish buggers & in hindsight glad they are not part of our lives anymore, they were toxic.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 12/04/2021 21:09

I like being invited to evening only, it doesn’t cost me as much and I get to have a few hours out with the DC 🥳

Depends. More and more frequently they're in venues where you need to drive (so you can't drink) or take an expensive taxi or stay over, complete with request for a cash gift.