Heartbroken- help me understand please

[tartantroosers]

I am heartbroken and it makes no sense. For background, I'm a (long) divorced single parent with a teenage son and have been pootling along quite happily, no dramas, a few nice relationships, all good. A couple of months ago a guy contacted me on OLD and we chatted. I've dated a lot, and wasn't desperate to meet anyone, but we started talking, and from that point something just clicked for both of us. We spent the whole of March chatting on FaceTime, literally hours a day- every night, early morning and always initiated by him. Probably 100 hours in total! Never happened to me before. He literally ticked every box that means anything to me, and he couldn't put me down. We met the first day it was allowed to travel to meet, and we both said how much we were looking forward to meeting. I was prepared to admit the possibility that it wouldn't be the same IRL and we might just go our separate ways but we just lay on the grass in a London park and kissed and talked for four hours. He was most definitely "interested". I should say that on meeting he said immediately that he wanted to tell me he'd had mental health issues in his twenties (he is 55, same age as me) but was ok now and on medication. I was a bit shocked but there had been no issues over a month of talking, nothing odd or 'off' about him at all. Kind, loves his mum, good strong family and close friends. Stable job, plays the organ in church, Cambridge arts grad, blah blah. He seemed visibly relieved to have got this off his chest. Chatted that night, next day, then suddenly the day after that he called me, and I thought something awful had happened, he looked so empty and sad. When I asked what had happened , he said "I just can't see it working". I was so shocked but he couldn't give me any reason at all. Then some smokescreen issues about distance (40 miles and close to London) and wanting to settle down with someone (as do I) and that was it. A few distraught calls and texts (me) but now silence. He keeps saying he's sorry but I am in bits. No proper sleep for 2 weeks and have lost a stone which I can't afford to. Can anyone stop me losing the plot? It's worse than being 14 all over again. The hardest thing is not having any answers and the pain is worse than anything I've experienced- i feel utterly 'consumed' by him and then discarded. Please help.

Silverfly, thank you. Sounds exactly like him. Nothing mean or cruel about him. Just so lovely. But clearly there are challenges wih this diagnosis. I just wanted the chance to understand more.

Yes he could be a narcissist etc.

But it sounds like mental health issues to me.

The out come is the same though, block and move on as quickly and as best you can.

Your OP broke my heart for you OP. But in my view what he has done isn't something someone lovely would do. A really devent man would have met up with you and explained further. They also wouldn't have given you such false hope. The relationship he encouraged that you are now bereft without does sound like lovebombing. I have been there, also with perfect-sounding on paper people.

I'm guessing that you were perhaps looking for a further relationship?
But had not considered that, after meeting it would end so abruptly

An American agony aunt once wrote, never trust a man (could be anyone) until you have met & smelt them. I guess she was inferring to pheromones.

Perhaps, he does this to lots of women ? A kind of cat fish game of his ?

@CirclesWithinCircles

You have to use your common sense with it, it’s not a fast track route to a scammer. I met my husband through OLD and had dated a lot before I met him. I never had any terrible experiences, just dates with nice enough men that usually didn’t go anywhere.

I didn’t meet up with people who were too much or too intense on the messaging app. I don’t believe in writing anything off, especially when I’ve never experienced it.

Sorry OP. It sounds like after you met he didn’t feel a connection with you and decided to move on.
It sounds like you put your all into it but he was less invested than you, which is really hard. Often these intense connections are red flags

That’s an assumption with NO GROUNDS in reality! No one would ever dare say this about a woman on here but it’s ok for you to do it casually!!! Are you serious?

Someone has to stand up for the innocence of human beings!

I am utterly shocked.

You’re not remotely shocked. You seem more like someone who likes pulling people apart when they’re down.

The poster you responded to said might. That means they were suggesting a possible reason. tartantroosers is looking for help getting past something she found hurtful. You seem intent on saying it’s her own fault and we must assume the man is pure as the driven snow, kind of “innocent until proven guilty”.

This is not a court case and the truth, as always, is likely to lie somewhere in between.

I don’t think he necessarily sounds like a narcissist, but raging about the fact that some people see it as likely and insisting we pass no comment on his behaviour on an anonymous forum and when he is not here to be hurt is weird and unpleasant.

People offer up their own experiences and being hit on by a narcissist is so common it’s not surprising some suggest it.

At no point has tartantroosers claimed she had been wholly rational in this situation and at no point has she said he was definitively a bad person. Why the need to attack someone who’s looking for ways through a painful experience. Perhaps you should examine your own ego and wonder why you feel the need to prioritize the feelings of a man who isn’t here asking for help over those of a woman who is.

I think he was love-bombing you and he'll be back, now that he's told you there's no future. He has emotionally manipulated you, so please don't be fooled by him.

Draw a line under this experience, read up on narcs and how they operate.

Don't beat yourself up about falling for him.

@Grapewrath

Sorry OP. It sounds like after you met he didn’t feel a connection with you and decided to move on. It sounds like you put your all into it but he was less invested than you, which is really hard. Often these intense connections are red flags

Red flags for who? The OP? Or the boyfriend?

@00utaSpace

I'm guessing that you were perhaps looking for a further relationship? But had not considered that, after meeting it would end so abruptly

An American agony aunt once wrote, never trust a man (could be anyone) until you have met & smelt them. I guess she was inferring to pheromones.

Perhaps, he does this to lots of women ? A kind of cat fish game of his ?

I also read about that one - never trust a woman. Or does it only work one way?

@Osirus - that post is utterly disgusting- shame on you,

Op, I think this relationship feels different and it is hurting more because, thanks to lockdown, you both built a relationship online, developed a good degree of intimacy with the long conversations and fell in love with each other before you met. Then you met an he clicked for you but you didn’t click for him.

Nothing wrong with you or him, you know that these things happen, it just hurts these time more because you allowed yourself to get into the honey moon period before you see each other.

It is perfectly understandable you want to keep him around as a friendship, but probably as many men do, he would be thinking you are trying to force his hand with niceness even if you are not trying it with him at all.

See it this way, you both felt lonely during lockdown, keep company to each other, talked about a lot of things and then, like a long summer holiday, you both went back to “reality” and moved on.

I’m so sorry this happened - I had a very similar experience when I started back OLD 8 years ago. In hindsight I think I invested too much time on chatting/texting etc before we actually met, and should have met up sooner on informal basis eg for coffee. It is very hurtful and it certainly knocked my self esteem at the time. Funnily enough the same guy does occasionally text me, and has asked to meet a few times. I’ve ignored each time.

[quote mellowtimes]@Osirus - that post is utterly disgusting- shame on you,[/quote]
I agree with @Osirus

Don’t forget the OP has a child. A young teen.

Why don't you. While you're doing the heartbroken thing, go and have something to eat. Where is your teen while you waste away over a man who's messed your head up?

Eat, shower and go for a walk or something. Ring a friend and arrange a meet up. Occupy yourself until it hurts less and it will.

Thank you. I'm not pretending it was 'normal'- whatever that is, and I'm not criticising him or putting him down in any way. If coming on here is feeding on sympathy then I can't help how that looks. For all of us who've been brought down by others, I just thought there might be a helping hand. Thank you to those who get that. If you don't , please take it out elsewhere.

Thanks, gamer. He's a teen, so he's still asleep! I won't let him see me like this

@ mellowtimes you seem far too invested in this thread, and given you have a string of deletions it might be time to step back.

At the end of the day nobody knows any more about people than we read here. And in truth we don’t even know if this man had mental health issues. Just because he said he did, doesn’t mean it’s true.

At the end of the day he lovebombed the OP, met up with her, continued the charm offensive and then dumped her. That doesn’t make it ok, MH or no MH.

Someone who behaves like that and has never had a serious relationship it really isn’t hard to see why.

OP I am sorry you’re hurting. Sadly even what we think is the best thing turns out not to be.

Ultimately though, if this was how he behaved after one date there really was no future in it. You would have spent your whole relationship walking on eggshells, wondering after every date whether he was going to call it quits again. It’s best you’ve found out now than after a lot more heartbreak. Please don’t engage with him if he comes back.

@tartantroosers You'll be ok. But you need to eat properly and look after yourself