Heartbroken- help me understand please

[tartantroosers]

I am heartbroken and it makes no sense. For background, I'm a (long) divorced single parent with a teenage son and have been pootling along quite happily, no dramas, a few nice relationships, all good. A couple of months ago a guy contacted me on OLD and we chatted. I've dated a lot, and wasn't desperate to meet anyone, but we started talking, and from that point something just clicked for both of us. We spent the whole of March chatting on FaceTime, literally hours a day- every night, early morning and always initiated by him. Probably 100 hours in total! Never happened to me before. He literally ticked every box that means anything to me, and he couldn't put me down. We met the first day it was allowed to travel to meet, and we both said how much we were looking forward to meeting. I was prepared to admit the possibility that it wouldn't be the same IRL and we might just go our separate ways but we just lay on the grass in a London park and kissed and talked for four hours. He was most definitely "interested". I should say that on meeting he said immediately that he wanted to tell me he'd had mental health issues in his twenties (he is 55, same age as me) but was ok now and on medication. I was a bit shocked but there had been no issues over a month of talking, nothing odd or 'off' about him at all. Kind, loves his mum, good strong family and close friends. Stable job, plays the organ in church, Cambridge arts grad, blah blah. He seemed visibly relieved to have got this off his chest. Chatted that night, next day, then suddenly the day after that he called me, and I thought something awful had happened, he looked so empty and sad. When I asked what had happened , he said "I just can't see it working". I was so shocked but he couldn't give me any reason at all. Then some smokescreen issues about distance (40 miles and close to London) and wanting to settle down with someone (as do I) and that was it. A few distraught calls and texts (me) but now silence. He keeps saying he's sorry but I am in bits. No proper sleep for 2 weeks and have lost a stone which I can't afford to. Can anyone stop me losing the plot? It's worse than being 14 all over again. The hardest thing is not having any answers and the pain is worse than anything I've experienced- i feel utterly 'consumed' by him and then discarded. Please help.

[quote DoubleTweenQueen]@mellowtimes
"grow up and move on"

! Such insight and maturity [/quote]
And what, exactly, would you suggest?

‘He is the age he, still single for a reason’.... are you serious?!

Would you say that to a woman on here?

To her? Not sure. It would depend on circumstances.

But engaging in some kind of serious, long-term relationship is a normal part of life for almost everyone. Of course there’s a reason in all cases where it hasn’t occurred. It doesn’t imply fault, but the reason that has caused a person not to have any long-term relationships by the age of 55 is quite likely to persist and prevent them having a long-term relationship in future.

Obviously it’s not impossible. The circumstances may have been external and not due to any attribute of the person themself. Or someone might, even at that age, change.

But past behaviour is, in my opinion, a good predictor of future behaviour. Why you would imagine that doesn’t hold true here is beyond me.

@Cowbells

OP, I know a little about schizophrenia - a good friend of mine had it. It took him an exhausting amount of effort to present as normal. I'd known him for years and really loved him as a friend before I had an inkling of what he lived with daily.

He came to my hen night and produced as a surprise another close male friend of ours who lived in France, but who he had brought back just for my hen night. I thought it was a lovely thoughtful thing to do until he explained to me that he knew the male friend and I were secretly in love and had been communicating our passion for each other via radio waves into his mind for years and that he hadn't minded at all being the go between for our love and had passed on my messages faithfully and never shared them with anyone. But that's how he knew we had asked to see each other one more time before I married. Messages I had sent him telepathically. He had so believed them that he had dragged this man back from France.

I had no inkling of this nonsense in all the years we'd been close and hung around in a crowd together. He'd just kept it together and presented as normal, but some very abnormal things were very compelling in his mind - as true and substantial as real life is to me. It was very disconcerting to realise how vivid and believable this alternative world was to him and how he had to battle through it just to maintain normal friendships.

Maybe your man realised if he got close to you he would be unable to maintain the pretence. It is exhausting. Or maybe radio waves instructed him to dump you. There could be a whole level to your relationship that you are not aware of, which governs his behaviour.

@Cowbells, this is a perfect description of it. I was romantically involved with someone who turned out to be schizophrenic and it gradually took over more and more. I realised in the end that we were living in completely different realities. In the process, all kinds of things drove me nuts like "gaslighting" -- which wasn't actually gaslighting in the strict sense, it was just that he had a completely different perception of what was going on around him! By the end, I didn't know which of us was crazier.

OP, please re-read Cowbell's post and do some research of your own into schizophrenia. The medication is pretty crude, and sometimes people just want a normal life (e.g. when meeting someone they might have a future with), so it's tempting for them to stop taking the medication so as to pretend to be normal. Once that happens, it's a spiral into all kinds of mayhem.

I'm sorry you had this tragic experience and I'm sorry some people are being so rude to you about it.

If I were you, I would treasure the wonderful moments we shared and the hopes I'd had for what could be, and then gently float all that away from me. The reality would not have lived up to your dreams.

So sorry op. He just wasted your time. He spent hours with you when you met and gave you the impression he wanted to continue with you. And the blew cold. Hot and cold. Such a put off.
He isn't a good man, because he strung you along for months only to drop you immediately. Just give yourself time and don't let this get you down. X

@AnyOldPrion

‘He is the age he, still single for a reason’.... are you serious?!

Would you say that to a woman on here?

To her? Not sure. It would depend on circumstances.

But engaging in some kind of serious, long-term relationship is a normal part of life for almost everyone. Of course there’s a reason in all cases where it hasn’t occurred. It doesn’t imply fault, but the reason that has caused a person not to have any long-term relationships by the age of 55 is quite likely to persist and prevent them having a long-term relationship in future.

Obviously it’s not impossible. The circumstances may have been external and not due to any attribute of the person themself. Or someone might, even at that age, change.

But past behaviour is, in my opinion, a good predictor of future behaviour. Why you would imagine that doesn’t hold true here is beyond me.

And yet the OP didn’t question this until he ended it with her. Now it appears he’s open season for any old crap.

These are TWO ADULTS whose very short term connection didn’t work out. It really is that simple. Can you please stop denigrating a man who you do not know.

OP, would you please just stop looking for sympathy and at the very least, try to be kind to the man who you, apparently cared so much about.....until he hurt your ego.

I'm sorry OP, that sounds really upsetting and strange on his part. I think though you have to see the bright side of this and perhaps you've dodged a bullet here. I can see going from all to nothing is really upsetting but I think for your own sake you should block and move on. Please don't be tempted to respond if he gets in touch - I'd put money on this happening all over again.

Mellow has been a tad too forthright in her tone
But I have to say - I agree with her point

I’m so sorry OP... you say nothing was ‘odd’ during that first month but I think the intensity of it was ‘off’ actually 😔

He is perhaps someone that falls very quickly very hard, and then out again and onto the next.

You had a fun month and time in the park, just one of life’s intense experiences, put it down to experience.

And run a mile if he gets back in touch

@RuggeryBuggery

I’m so sorry OP... you say nothing was ‘odd’ during that first month but I think the intensity of it was ‘off’ actually 😔

He is perhaps someone that falls very quickly very hard, and then out again and onto the next.

You had a fun month and time in the park, just one of life’s intense experiences, put it down to experience.

And run a mile if he gets back in touch

So was the OP. She was just as intense!

Thank you again. I'm not shy of criticism, and probably some of it is right, but I'm a bit shaky at the moment and not reallly strong enough to take it in the way it's probably meant.

I agree with some other posters above. Sounds like you dodged a bullet there.
Be prepared for him to resurface just purely to fuck about with you again.
I think he sounds like a right liability.
He sounds like a bit of a loser too, to be honest.

@mellowtimes yes but I meant he might be someone that does it in a serial way

@mellowtimes no criticism from here. You put yourself out there, trusted the intensity of his feelings for you and that they would last, felt what you thought was a very genuine connection that you don’t find easily with others, and have been taken by surprise at the abruptness of the ending. Of course it hurts, but try to stay philosophical and the feelings will fade with time. You’ll probably be surprised how fast.

You have been on this thread for a longer time than you have been with this man in person OP.

It's nothing to do with his mental health issues! He is JUST NOT INTO YOU!!!! Apart from to get a shag which he is priming you for with the "oh what a shame if we went further and it then didn't work out" He is TELLING you that he will have sex with you then disappear!! Listen!!!!
You don't know this man from Adam. Go on to the OLD thread on the Relationships board and take onboard all the good advice.

Sorry that 2nd post was to @tartantroosers

Op you deserve a little kindness, it is just that on every thread where there is a man there will also be the suggestion that the man is an abusive narcissist, and for those of us with genuine experience of an abusive narcissist, it is minimising and dangerous.

I would take the time to watch the videos about schitzophrenia and see if it resonates - I posted 2 videos above, and posted above about it, and if you google "cecilia schitzophrenic tedx" then you will find a ted talk. If you do this now it might give insights to help you work out what happened. Sometimes life can play a side ball and that is all it is - and you process and get over it.

This has obviously knocked you for six and at some point you will probably find you emotionally grow and benefit from it.

Sorry about my username - it was to do with the other thread about the imaginary encounter in a hotel

Gosh. Lots of caps shouting.

Op, I don't think you're pathetic at all.

Seriously disappointed and need time to take stock.

But this bloke will pop up again. Please don't get involved with him. He will be more persistent if you appear not to be keen. For him, I think it is about ego.

@tartantroosers

Thank you again. I'm not shy of criticism, and probably some of it is right, but I'm a bit shaky at the moment and not reallly strong enough to take it in the way it's probably meant.

Ok, you’re feeling shaky regarding the feedback (you call it criticism). Please tell me what you expected when you posted?

No doubt I will be continued to be flamed, I don’t care.

I know how painful it is when ones ego is damaged - it hurts like hell. I’ve experienced this. I’ve also been in a very abusive relationship where the pain is immeasurable and takes years to get over, if ever. I also know someone who suffers from mental health problems who does not deserve to be judged, whatever his age.

In my very humble opinion, you don’t have the right to cast aspersions on the man you barely know nor encourage others to do the same.

Feel sorry for yourself as much as you want but please remove the posts regarding this man. He isn’t here to defend himself.

I've private messaged you incase you want to message abit more one on one. I've been through a very similar thing in the last month. A guy who convinced me I was his life and loved me walked away from me just like that. I've found out alot of bad stuff about him since. He was not the guy he was selling to me sadly. I sort of had gut feelings. Photos of his ex on the wall. Always talking about her but making out their spilt was just a mutual thing. Then he would tell me about this woman who neevr left him alone.

Found out Alot since by asking people about him . He lost his ex due to his manly urges and he's never gotten over loosing her. She lurks around still and they both wind eachother up and dip in and out of eachothers lives still. I've also found out the woman who would not leave him alone was actually being played by him too. She left her husband and told her kids she was going to be with him as he fooled her into thinking they were together. Then he ran. Blocked her and was begging his ex to take him back.

I've also had to look hard at him and have realised he's got to family or friends on his life hardly. Loads of broken relationships with them and his ex's. He's boring and never does anything. He doesn't look after himself food wise etc.

Sometimes people are very convincing. They are not what they seem. It's a difficult thing to untangle and it will take you time.

I found writing things down helped. Talking to people about it so they could help me figure it out. I am still breaking bits down. He was also putting me down subtlety and had some pretty horrible traits. Sometimes we can't see things when we are in the thick of it. Now I'm a month out of it I'm still hurting. Some days are harder than others. But I don't miss the anxiety. I don't miss having to worry about other women and whether they were going to "Steal him". He absolutely wrecked my head and I've never ever been so insecure and so full of doubt.

I hope you can find ways to feel better. I was clearly involved with a toxic liar and I got out in time. But I didn't get out totally in one piece. Its going to take me a long time to get over him and accept the man I thought he was isnt real. He doesn't exist.who he really is would have made me run for the hills but he hid it well.

Good luck and feel free to speak to me if you need some further support.

@mellowtimes

It’s an anonymous forum
And no one has the faintest idea who the OP is talking about.

OP, I'm sorry you're so hurt. I agree with the posters saying that his schizophrenia may be the main issue here.

My cousin has a similar MH diagnosis and has been sometimes been hospitalised with it. He is such a lovely, sweet, intelligent, creative, empathetic, sensitive guy but he is an absolute nightmare in relationships - very very intense and loving, then backs away when reality hits. He is in his late 40s and has many failed relationships behind him.

OP, if this man gets back in touch and wants to try again, please tread very carefully. I adore my cousin but he is the worst person I can imagine to have a relationship with and I do think this is because of his illness. Schizophrenia is in a different league IME to mental illnesses such as depression or anxiety (although I know these can be serious too of course).

[quote RuggeryBuggery]@mellowtimes yes but I meant he might be someone that does it in a serial way[/quote]
That’s an assumption with NO GROUNDS in reality! No one would ever dare say this about a woman on here but it’s ok for you to do it casually!!! Are you serious?

Someone has to stand up for the innocence of human beings!

I am utterly shocked.

[quote Lassy1945]@mellowtimes

It’s an anonymous forum
And no one has the faintest idea who the OP is talking about.[/quote]
Lassy , I know but imagine if everyone could just condemn people and it was accepted as a given?

An anonymous man, with mental health problems rejected a woman. Now he’s ‘suspect’.

When does it end? If not now?

The OP should have the guts to take that back now. Then maybe it will stop other people from casting aspersions.

Let’s act like adults even though we hurt like children sometimes.

I'm sorry that you're hurting OP. I'm not going to get into the whys and how's as ultimately that's really not relevant to the fact that you're hurting. Sometimes it just absolutely floors you when things end and that vulnerability is frightening. Take care of yourself as best you can. You're not going to be feeling your best for a while but you will get through it.