Page 8 | I dont want MIL to look after DD!

howsoonisnow85 · 2021-04-10T15:47:15+00:00

Help please! Me & MIL are really different, I don't really like being around her & find her visits stressful. She is very over the top, loud & dominating, I am the polar opposite. We haven't seen her much in the last year, for obvious Covid reasons but she is planning to come & stay in afew weeks. My DH is very ambivalent towards her, they are not close & he finds her as annoying as I do. While she is here she wants to look after my DD for the day instead of her going to nursery, which I understand is totally normal & fine. But, I just really don't want her to! I know I will find it stressful not knowing what they are doing & I sort of just don't want my DD spending that much time with her. Am I within my rights to say no & what reason could I give?!

MissAmericana · 29/04/2021 21:55

"Yes."

Original poster

howsoonisnow85 · 29/04/2021 21:58

Ha, yes that would be good! I am coming across here like a total wet lettuce which Im not really, Im just abit upset!

OP posts:

MissAmericana · 29/04/2021 22:03

Sorry, that was flippant!

People asking that are of course hoping to be told 'no'. A British person asking that is essentially hoping that the middle class social imperative to put people at ease and not express negative feelings will prevent you from saying "yes"!

Well, you're allowed to be cross, but to be honest I think that trivialises it as a fleeting emotion.

It would probably be better to say something less wordy than like, "I am cross with you, yes, and you knew I would be which is why you lied to me in the first place. But it's not about me feeling cross with you, it's about the fact you have broken my trust with regard to the most precious thing in the world to me. Your actions - even if no harm done this time - show me that you think you are entitled to substitute your judgement for mine where my own child is concerned when you feel like it. That is completely unacceptable to me and - incidentally - demonstrates a lack of respect for me which I find disappointing. I will get over feeling cross but I won't trust you with DD alone again for quite some time."

Whatkatyforgottodo · 29/04/2021 22:04

YADNBU! She sounds like a child herself. I guess you treat her like one and say ‘yes I am cross with you. You have broken my trust and will have to earn it back’. I’m not sure I would ever let her earn it back though. And I certainly wouldn’t be letting her look after my child while they are too young to tell me exactly what they have been doing.

GuidonianHand · 29/04/2021 22:22

This is really not on at all! I came here to back you up in not leaving your child with a person who is essentially a stranger to her. Your update about her lying and taking your child to a friend' house is shocking.

She has really broken any trust now. I wouldn't allow any young child of my own to be with a granny who acts like this. Fun mum she might have been, but I see why your DH feels like she wasn't the most responsible of parents.

Why oh why do people see babies and children as accessories to be shown off? She's trodden all over you to have her own way and show off as granny to her friends. Good that you and DH are together on this.

As above, if she asks if you are cross, tell her you are and that you no longer trust her to look after the child. Angry is a stronger more adult word. Or, being told that one is very disappointed in a person can be very effective.

You are disappointed that she took your child on this visit, disappointed about the lying and deliberate going against your wishes despite being previously told this was not acceptable. Stick to your guns. Sending you firming up the lettuce vibes.

ArnoJambonsBike · 29/04/2021 22:59

The three do's apply whenever a grandparent tramples over boundaries:

Do you love your grandchild?
Do you want a relationship with them?
Do what you're fucking told.

There are precisely no circumstances where this conniving witch would be in the same postcode as my child.

sharksarecool · 30/04/2021 09:24

I understand it's hard having a loud, overbearing MIL. But you can't really prevent your DCs having a relationship with her because you find her difficult. I would say MIL taking DC off alone would be preferable to the two of you having to spend the day looking after DC together, where there is potential for disagreeing about boundaries and who's in charge.

WellBucketChain · 30/04/2021 09:34

I agree with everything MissAmericana said. It covers everything.

But you can't really prevent your DCs having a relationship with her because you find her difficult err difficult, she lied about where she was, she explicitly went against the parents' wishes with regard to their child. How fucking dare she. And yes you can prevent her having a relationship. Being a Grandparent doesn't give someone the right to have a relationship with a grandchild.

WellBucketChain · 30/04/2021 09:37

Posted too soon where there is potential for disagreeing about boundaries and who's in charge the fucking parent is in charge. My Mum came over to my house ever week (lived a distance away) at no stage did she ever over-step. My sister and I parented slightly differently and my Mum fell in with which ever daughter's house she was at. She would give her opinion if asked. My MIL was the same, lovely, aware of boundaries, asked before bringing out cake etc. They are not the parents.

GrumpyHoonMain · 30/04/2021 09:46

@howsoonisnow85

Evening, resurrecting this thread with another AIBU! So, MIL is here this week, I took the advice of the thread & agreed that she could pick DD up an hour early from nursery & come back to our house with her. She did this Mon & then again today, however today she texted DH & asked if she could take DD to the park before coming to the house. Me & DH discussed & said fine. DH then called her & asked if DD was ok, what she was doing etc & MIL was very vague saying she was on the way to the park- when DH pushed MIL admitted she had taken DD to her friends house, not the park. I think she lied because she had asked previously if she could take DD to this friends house & we'd said no. I am really upset about this, its the only time in her life I haven't known where DD was & what she was doing. I feel its a massive breach of trust. But Im aware that I am coming at this from the angle of not wanting MIL to look after her in the first place so my perspective is skewed. What do you think? YABU to be upset & its really not a big deal or YANBU & its ok to say no more solo looking after of DD?

Why did you not want her to take her to her friend’s house in the first place? Yes she lied but from everything you’ve said I think you and your DH are really micromanaging her interactions with her GD. It shouldn’t matter if you don’t personally like her - as long as she can be trusted to take care of your DD (which it sounds like she can) then of course she can look after her. The lying isn’t on but I do think she’s reacting to yours and DH’s hostility.

Also, why exactly is your DH so ‘ambivalent’ to her? Do you even know? Lots of parents raise kids in chaotic home environments without much involvement in education - they don’t use that to beat them with later. Are you sure there isn’t another reason?

Maybe I’m just being overcautious but my sil’s dc had a similarly confusing relationship with his mum and used to call her violent. But she had a great relationship with the other kids. Later it emerged that my dc was lying to everyone - apparently he tried to sexually abuse his sister and so his mum intervened and beat the crap out; and became super strict with what he could and couldn’t do in the house. So be careful believing what he says as gospal.

Warrickdaviesasplates · 30/04/2021 09:52

I'd imagine the op didn't want her dd going to the friends house because dd barely knows MIL so dragging her to the home of a complete stranger would be a bit much for her and if MIL wants to build a relationship with the dd she should be focusing on her and not showing her off to her random mates.

Also if OP is in England (can't remember where she said they were) lockdown rules mean that she should t be going into other homes anyway.

In my opinion it doesn't really matter why they said no to going round the friends house, it's not up to MiL to over ride their wishes even if she doesn't agree with them.

phoenixrosehere · 30/04/2021 10:00

Why did you not want her to take her to her friend’s house in the first place? Yes she lied but from everything you’ve said I think you and your DH are really micromanaging her interactions with her GD. It shouldn’t matter if you don’t personally like her - as long as she can be trusted to take care of your DD (which it sounds like she can) then of course she can look after her. The lying isn’t on but I do think she’s reacting to yours and DH’s hostility.

Then she shouldn’t have taken the child to a friend’s place knowing her son and DIL were against it. She’s an adult and should know better. She knew it was wrong and did it anyway. That’s an utterly stupid thing to do if you know that your son and dil are nervous about you taking THEIR child out. Any rational person would just do what was agreed on. She’s only proven that she can’t be respectful or trusted.

Cindersrellie · 30/04/2021 10:00

Crikey! What did you decide to do in the end? I hate confrontation so would probably just let it go for now but never ever let her look after DD alone again. I'd be picking her up from nursery myself at the normal time. If she asked, I'd say something like 'actually I'm going to be picking her up today, but thanks for the offer' and repeat.

HowToBringABlushToTheSnow · 30/04/2021 10:11

You can't stop her seeing he GC because you have different personalities. My gran and mother never really got on, my gran was an incredible woman and I think she probably looked down on my mum a bit for being a SAHM, but I had the most amazing relationship with my gran, some of the best childhood memories. My dad didn't really like my gran much either but they still didn't let that get in the way of me developing a relationship with my gran, which I'm hugely grateful for. Your DC might enjoy the characteristics of your MiL that get on your nerves!

EL8888 · 30/04/2021 10:14

It’s only awkward as she’s made it awkward! She’s made it this way. So what is she’s upset, she’s only upset as she was caught out and was challenged. You need to set your stall out, or there will be more of her disregarding your wishes

PanamaPattie · 30/04/2021 10:17

I don’t understand why MIL can’t just do as she’s asked. Because of her selfishness and total disregard of the parents, it must be supervised visits from now on.

phoenixrosehere · 30/04/2021 11:30

You can't stop her seeing he GC because you have different personalities.

OP wasn’t keen on it but still gave it a shot and MIL proved OP right by knowingly ignoring them and taking their child to a friend’s house when they told her no. What they asked was nothing remotely extreme and all MIL had to do was do what was agreed on and couldn’t do that.

My own mum didn’t get on with my dad’s family but they still had enough courtesy and common sense not to go against her and/or my father’s parenting knowing how she/they would feel.

Original poster

howsoonisnow85 · 30/04/2021 17:32

We said no to going to the friends previously because they have a dog who I have seen jump up at people. I know I probably am trying to micro manage a little but generally I dont think Im over the top about DD. I have calmed down alot today, like PP said - its just baffling that she wouldn't just stick to our rules, especially to start with! The fact that she lied about it is the real issue for me, I cant let someone look after DD who I dont 100% trust.

OP posts:

Original poster

howsoonisnow85 · 30/04/2021 17:34

MIL popped head round door earlier (Im WFH) & asked if I wanted her to pick up DD up today, no mention of anything from yesterday. I just said, no thanks I'll do it. Im not sure what will happen next with it all! Shes round at SILs again this evening.

OP posts:

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/04/2021 17:43

@HowToBringABlushToTheSnow

You can't stop her seeing he GC because you have different personalities. My gran and mother never really got on, my gran was an incredible woman and I think she probably looked down on my mum a bit for being a SAHM, but I had the most amazing relationship with my gran, some of the best childhood memories. My dad didn't really like my gran much either but they still didn't let that get in the way of me developing a relationship with my gran, which I'm hugely grateful for. Your DC might enjoy the characteristics of your MiL that get on your nerves!

@howsoonisnow85 is not stopping her MIL from seeing her grandchild because they have different personalities, @HowToBringABlushToTheSnow - she is stopping her because her MIL:

took the child to visit someone the OP doesn’t want her child visiting

and

lied about it to the OP.

If you are looking after someone’s child, you respect their choices for how their child is cared for, and you do NOT lie to them about what you’ve done with their child.

FortniteBoysMum · 30/04/2021 18:57

Nursery will charge you either way so that's worth pointing out.