I dont want MIL to look after DD!

[howsoonisnow85]

Help please!
Me & MIL are really different, I don't really like being around her & find her visits stressful. She is very over the top, loud & dominating, I am the polar opposite.
We haven't seen her much in the last year, for obvious Covid reasons but she is planning to come & stay in afew weeks. My DH is very ambivalent towards her, they are not close & he finds her as annoying as I do.
While she is here she wants to look after my DD for the day instead of her going to nursery, which I understand is totally normal & fine. But, I just really don't want her to! I know I will find it stressful not knowing what they are doing & I sort of just don't want my DD spending that much time with her. Am I within my rights to say no & what reason could I give?!

[DoingItMyself]

A child is not a toy. MIL can't have dd to play with, on her whim. The child cannot be familiar or comfortable with her, as she has hardly seen her in the last year. Keep dd in nursery where she knows the routine, and find some times for MIL to be cosy with her while you are around. Poor child! Imagine being left all day with a near-stranger!

I'm a grandma. The child's wellbeing comes first.

[YoniAndGuy]

@lanthanum

Are you (or dh) able to take the day off so that you, mil and dd can all spend time together? If she's not coming for long, it would be nice for her to have that time with you, rather than being left twiddling her thumbs all day. Find somewhere nice to go for a walk, if nothing else is open. As you say, it's not unreasonable to want to spend time with her grandchild, but it doesn't have to be alone if one of you can take the day off and join in.

But it's also fine to say you want to keep dd's normal routine. If you do that, you might want to think of some suggestions for how mil could spend the day, because otherwise she'll presumably be in your house all day - offer to drop her at anything that is open. Or if she's the sort that wants to interfere in housework, make sure there's enough ironing to stop her doing anything else, and maybe the odd errand she could do locally.

Yes this. All take the day off. DD could get to know Grandma while she's more relaxed and confident because you'll be there. MIL gets to see you all more, and also gets to see you 'parenting'.

Obviously MIL could have some one-on-one time (bath? stories? pram walk?) but not for the whole day.

[GrandDuchessRomanov]

Your mil isn’t fergie is it op?

[Elsiebear90]

Is there more to it than you find her annoying? That seems like a really harsh reason to stop her spending one on one time with her grandchild.

[drpet49]

* This isn't about what's best for your DD, is it, it's all about you not liking your mil so therefore being determined your dd won't. You're being really mean, and very controlling. At least be honest, and admit it.*

^Completley agree. Imagine if this was man writing about not wanting to let his MIL look after the child because he found his MIL annoying. His arse would be handed to him.

[MarieIVanArkleStinks]

It's tough having situations where relatives have to stay over, particularly when you have something of an awkward relationship with them. I see no reason not to let the grandmother care for her, but equally don't 'get' the desire grandparents often seem to express to have time with the GC without their parents present. I fail to understand why this is so important to some, especially as young children still need their parents.

It's in the child's best interests to have a relationship with her grandparents. Also looking from the perspective of your DD's best interests, if they've not seen each other for a whole year DD likely won't know her. In that case it's probably best to leave the whole days out idea until the relationship has had time to reestablish. There is plenty of time for your MiL and DC to regain that bond.

I don't think a day out of nursery will hurt at all, but I'm not a stickler for routines and I know some parents are.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

All the people saying OP is mean and controlling - her own son doesn’t like the woman and she was his actual mother so I’m not sure why you think she’s someone who’s a wonderful overlooked asset to OP’s child. She’s probably not.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

It's in the child's best interests to have a relationship with her grandparents

Not necessarily. Crap parents don’t automatically make amazing grandparents.

[MiddleClassProblem]

I’m not sure the characteristics you have listed equal to inadequate at looking after DD.

How does DD react to her?

I wouldn’t let her being different to me to get in the way of their relationship unless I worried about DD’s safety or something.

[MiddleClassProblem]

Forgot to say maybe there’s another option of a shorter amount of time just the two of them.

Maybe you pop to the shops or she takes her to the park?

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"We haven't seen her much in the last year, for obvious Covid reasons but she is planning to come & stay in afew weeks. My DH is very ambivalent towards her, they are not close & he finds her as annoying as I do."

Am I reading this right? I'm seeing nothing to say that you've invited her to stay, has she invited herself? And how long will she be staying?

"While she is here she wants to look after my DD for the day instead of her going to nursery, which I understand is totally normal & fine. ... Am I within my rights to say no & what reason could I give?!"

Of course you can say no! And I'd just say 'I don't want her routine disrupted'. Any follow-up wheedling on her part would be met with a flat 'No. This is not a negotiation, I said no I meant no.'

[Sunshineday1]

YABU. Just because you don’t like her doesn’t mean you should put obstacles in the way of her being a grandma! Especially if she actually wants to and makes an effort. Some people long for that for their children, unless there are safeguarding issues of course. You sound very stuck up

[WhereYouLeftIt]

@drpet49

* This isn't about what's best for your DD, is it, it's all about you not liking your mil so therefore being determined your dd won't. You're being really mean, and very controlling. At least be honest, and admit it.*

^Completley agree. Imagine if this was man writing about not wanting to let his MIL look after the child because he found his MIL annoying. His arse would be handed to him.

Even if he said "My wife is very ambivalent towards her, they are not close & she finds her as annoying as I do."? Which is what the OP said of her husband.

[MarieIVanArkleStinks]

@AnneLovesGilbert

It's in the child's best interests to have a relationship with her grandparents

Not necessarily. Crap parents don’t automatically make amazing grandparents.

Very true. In most cases finding your MiL/FiL a bit (or even a lot) annoying probably isn't sufficient reason to deny a child a relationship with their familial roots. I don't have a relationship with my PsIL - my DH and DC do, and that's fine.

Abusive, manipulative people who have damaged their own children are a different story. For one, I'd never have allowed my late father within a country mile of any child of mine.

[Roodicus21]

I loved my late MIL but apart from her own kids she hadn't much experience (recent) with babies. She was very keen but it's hard looking after a baby and I wouldn't have felt comfortable leaving my dc for a whole day. I would only leave if that person was either experienced of very present in their life and knew routine etc.

I think what others have suggested about being gracious and saying thanks but we pay for nursery and her routine is important etc etc, then say it would be lovely if you could do bath time/ babysit for an evening, or look after dc for an hour so we can go shopping etc, then see how it goes. I do think it is important for grandparents to spend time alone with gc so that they can develop a relationship.

[osbertthesyrianhamster]

Tell her nursery has to be paid for in a block so you'll be sending her in and keeping her in her routine.

[SnackSizeRaisin]

I don't understand why parents who don't have good relationships with their adult children suddenly expect to be very involved once grandchildren come along. If you want to have a lot of contact with grandchildren, weekly visits etc, you really need to plan ahead and work on the relationship with your adult child before they get married and have children, by being supportive, not domineering, getting to know their partner, taking some interest in their lives etc.
It drives me mad that in laws who I was happy seeing twice a year previously now want to visit every week. I still have all the same friends and interests I had before children, I don't see why I would now want to give all that up to spend every weekend with people who are only interested in my child. I wouldn't mind as much if they were interested in building up a relationship with her but they aren't really interested in her as a person, just want to fuss around her and hug her which she dislikes.

[jessstan2]

You don't have to let your mother in law look after your daughter for a day but what do you think she is going to do to her?

[OverTheRainbow88]

I would send her to nursery and ask your MIL to collect her and hour or two earlier to spend some quality time together.

Or ask her to have her on a day she doesn’t go to nursery and you’ve gained yourself and extra child
Free day- bonus/win win

If neither, send her my way and she can take my boys out for the day.!

[Cyntia123]

Its your child so you get to decide but i personally think its a bit mean. Unless you think your child would be unsafe with her nan then I think its very unkind to not let her babysit. I'd much rather a family member who loves my child take care of them than a nursey worker. Especially if its only one day. My sisters very loud and ott whereas I'm quiet but my kids and kids in general absolutely love her!

[KoalaOok]

Is there any amount of time you'd be happy for her to look after her by herself for? If so you could say "no we want to keep her in her routine and she hasn't seen you for a while so she might get unsettled easily. I was thinking perhaps you could look after her for an hour or two while I nip to the shops (or whatever you are happy with)"

[KellyLDN]

@emilyfrost

YABVU and controlling. So what if you don’t know what they’re getting up to? Why should you?

Why are you trying to obstruct their relationship?

This 👍🏻. Stop being so controlling & allowing your own opinions to hinder your DD relationship with her Gran. Let them have fun & build a bond.

[Aprilx]

You seem to be wanting to prevent MiL from building a relationship with her grandchild because of not much other than she is a loud person. Some people are loud, what a boring world it would be if we were all equally quiet. You are being horrible. Obviously you can do what you want though.

[Hardbackwriter]

If you don't want her spending time with your daughter at all then I don't know why you're allowing her to stay. I think the 'it'll disrupt her routine' thing is a bit ridiculous (surely everyone who uses nursery sometimes have them miss the odd day for extra family time, etc? And they miss nursery when they're ill without causing some huge issue) and I suspect your MIL will immediately recognise it as a very weak excuse and feel hurt - again, you may well not mind that but in that case I can't imagine why you're maintaining a relationship with her at all

[Bagelsandbrie]

Feel a bit sad for your MIL. Unless she’s a useless grandparent or you feel you can’t trust her for some reason then I think you should let her have a close relationship with her grandchild. It’s good for children to learn to adapt to different people. I would hope that my future daughter in law doesn’t stop me looking after my grandchildren because she just doesn’t like me.