I dont want MIL to look after DD!

[howsoonisnow85]

Help please!
Me & MIL are really different, I don't really like being around her & find her visits stressful. She is very over the top, loud & dominating, I am the polar opposite.
We haven't seen her much in the last year, for obvious Covid reasons but she is planning to come & stay in afew weeks. My DH is very ambivalent towards her, they are not close & he finds her as annoying as I do.
While she is here she wants to look after my DD for the day instead of her going to nursery, which I understand is totally normal & fine. But, I just really don't want her to! I know I will find it stressful not knowing what they are doing & I sort of just don't want my DD spending that much time with her. Am I within my rights to say no & what reason could I give?!

@SnackSizeRaisin

I would hope that my future daughter in law doesn’t stop me looking after my grandchildren because she just doesn’t like me.

I would never leave my child alone with someone I didn't like! Grandparents don't have rights to someone else's children. If you want to see them you need to ensure that the daughter in law doesn't dislike you. Acting as though you are entitled to look after their children is a sure way to put them off!

But there’s a difference between having done something to make someone dislike you and having them dislike you because of your personality which is what’s happening here. I am very quiet and my hypothetical daughter in law may not like that - does that mean I shouldn’t get to spend time with my grandchild!? That’s just insane.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had the in laws from hell and we’re actually no contact with my dhs side because they’re abusive arseholes but I’d kill to have an involved grandparent like the ops mil who
Is basically just a bit loud...!

It's just a day that's paid for that won't be used. That's all. Some nurseries will let you arrange a different day in the future but not all. It seems to me very presumptive of MIL to expect them to give up a paid day, instead of coming on a non-nursery day or at the weekend. I can't imagine my MIL would ever have asked us to do it.

@thebillyotea

I think it's really awful to keep children from spending time with their own relatives.

so the OP Is doing very well accepting to host her MIL and give her a chance to get to know her child.

No need to cancel nursery and go over the top, a 19 months old does not benefit from any of that nonsense.

I'd argue that visiting and looking after is a very different dynamic. When someone is left in charge of a child regularly they really get to know one another, and have their own activities etc. When the parent is there, the parent is in charge and must be deferred to.

I have a 3 yo who has an amazing relationship with his grandparents and certainly got plenty out of it even as an under 2. They looked after him, took him to toddler groups, library sessions, the park and soft play while I went to work. He also went to nursery because I think it's important. I'm really happy that my son has so many loving relationships in his life.

OP - you seem very immature.
It doesn't matter whether or not you like grandma - it matters whether or not your DD likes her and grandma can be trusted to be a safe caregiver.

For those saying grandparents have no rights - if you are in the UK you may be surprised to hear that grandparents can actually obtain visiting rights via the courts if needed. They don't have automatic rights and it's not easy but the courts have recognised how valuable that relationship often is for the child.

But more importantly, as parents we should do what the Court does - put the child's best interests first! How immature does someone have to be if they demand to 'like' anyone the child spends time with first? Be a parent and put your kid first, not your ego.

@AssassinatedBeauty

It's just a day that's paid for that won't be used. That's all. Some nurseries will let you arrange a different day in the future but not all. It seems to me very presumptive of MIL to expect them to give up a paid day, instead of coming on a non-nursery day or at the weekend. I can't imagine my MIL would ever have asked us to do it.

I think I just can't grasp the logic here - I have on several occasions not sent DS to nursery if we're not at work so we can do something else, and he also goes for much shorter days now I'm on mat leave even though I guess that means I don't get my full money's worth. The money is gone either way so insisting on using it on principle for the sake of it seems so weird to me? I think it's a really odd reason to refuse to let the MIL do this.

This isn't about what's best for your DD, is it, it's all about you not liking your mil so therefore being determined your dd won't. You're being really mean, and very controlling. At least be honest, and admit it.
Most MIL threads on MN are the same. Looking for any excuse possible to find an obstacle to stop mil getting near their child.
The MIL's crime in this case is she is loud and annoying.
My mum is loud and annoying and due to distance could go for a year without seeing my kids. However she spent time with them, made a great bond with them. As they got older there was time I needed emergency help as u ihad to go into hospital. She was a great help as she had a relationship with them.
Mt children are adults now and my mum is still loud and annoying at times but they phone her up and chat for ages and have a good giggle and gossip! Their relationship is important to them all.
Don't forget you may be a MIL one day. Be careful of what you sow!

Having different personalities in DD’s life can be a really good thing. She can learn to navigate a variety of people but also, there’s a chance DD may be more like MIL as she grows up so having someone like her in the family can be less alienating.

You’re not saying she’s malicious, untrustworthy or a bigot etc.

My DH isn't close to her because when he was growing up she was very good at being fun but failed him with things like a stable home, help with education etc.

Perfect grandma then.

And your DD might grow up to be very different to you. People having different personalities is OK.

If I were you I’d see how it was when she’s with you and maybe give them an hour or two one on one time

@oblada

OP - you seem very immature. It doesn't matter whether or not you like grandma - it matters whether or not your DD likes her and grandma can be trusted to be a safe caregiver.

For those saying grandparents have no rights - if you are in the UK you may be surprised to hear that grandparents can actually obtain visiting rights via the courts if needed. They don't have automatic rights and it's not easy but the courts have recognised how valuable that relationship often is for the child.

But more importantly, as parents we should do what the Court does - put the child's best interests first! How immature does someone have to be if they demand to 'like' anyone the child spends time with first? Be a parent and put your kid first, not your ego.

This.

My MIL sounds very similar, I can’t stand her.

However I have never stopped my DC from seeing her and they love her.

I think you need to put your DD’s interests first and let them force a relationship.

*forge not force!

I don't think it's a big part of saying no, but I think it's odd of the MIL to want to come down on a day when DD would otherwise be at nursery and expect her to be removed for MIL's benefit. I cannot imagine any of my relatives asking to do this. They visited or took the children on non-nursery days and weekends.

I'm not expecting anyone else to have the same response or persuade anyone that they should have the same response. It would simply irk me that a relative who isn't even accustomed to being around my child would be so presumptuous. Totally different to making a family decision to take them out for a week for a family holiday.

I would feel exactly the same but tbh I wouldn’t let anyone have my daughter if it was a normal nursery day just because they wanted to.

Don’t think you’re being horrible at all. Your dd doesn’t know this person, so spending the day with her could be awful for both of them. Leave her in nursery.

No. It would be horrible for dd to be looked after by a stranger without her mum. Why would you do this? How weird would it be? She’s in her home but mum and dad have been replaced by an older louder lady. I think she’d be confused and anxious and very uncomfortable. Be there while she bonds with her granny and let her feel safe.

Don’t think you’re being horrible at all. Your dd doesn’t know this person, so spending the day with her could be awful for both of them

This person 😂😂
You mean the child's grandmother who will be staying with the family and will have time to get to know before a possible trip.

Granny isn't on about turning up at nursery unannounced.

I adore my MIL but she wouldn't suggest this for myriad reasons, not least the benefit of keeping my DS in his normal routine. So I don't think this is totally normal anyway, fwiw.

The idea you'd leave your DD with someone who is essentially a total stranger to her to boot is a bit nuts in my opinion, however well-meaning a place the suggestion may come from.

The answer is obviously no, and you can start by saying it as politely as you like, but if it needs to get personally further each time she pushes the point, so be it. You are your DD's mother and you're responsible for her welfare on both grand and small scales. You are not responsible for catering to your MIL's wishes on either scale. You should act accordingly!

Just to say that my mum stopped me seeing my Gran, (her MIL), and it really hurt me.

Think of what is best for your DD. Your Mil doesnt have to have her for the whole day. Maybe she can see your DD for a few hours, and you stay with them all the time. But I would let her see your daughter.

For those saying grandparents have no rights - if you are in the UK you may be surprised to hear that grandparents can actually obtain visiting rights via the courts if needed. They don't have automatic rights and it's not easy but the courts have recognised how valuable that relationship often is for the child.

Um, that's massively misleading. That has only ever been granted in specific circumstances where the grandparents can prove a regular, consistent, beneficial visitation pattern - and only ever where a court has granted specific approval for those grandparents to pursue visitation (which you have to apply for). Grandparents rights are, for the most part, NOT a thing in English/Welsh legal jurisdiction. I can't speak for Scotland or NI. Are you claiming this is the case in Scotland or NI? Genuinely curious as I doubt it.

Ugh typical MIL MN reaction. Just cos she isn’t your cup of tea let’s just RANT about how AWFUL she is.

She’s your child’s grandmother, let her be invoked with her own family fgs and get over yourself. She brought her son up who you presumably are married to/in a relationship with.

Jesus Christ

You’re being harsh but it’s your choice.

My understanding of the OP - grandma is coming FOR A FEW WEEKS and wants to take DD off nursery on some (?)days to spend time with her.
She's hardly going to abduct the child and the child will have time to adjust to grandma first (who isn't a stranger to start with anyway, they may have had plenty of face to face before covid and virtual chats since who knows). It sounds like a perfectly valid request from a grandma given the current circumstances. Presumably if the child was unhappy grandma could take her to nursery all the same. It may be good to start with MIL picking DD up a few hours earlier and build up.

But first OP needs to grow up and accept her daughter may become quite close to people she doesn't that much.

Fwiw my MIL is v different to me and it wasn't love at first sight but I still welcomed her into my home and life once we had kids. She comes for months at a time and it hasn't always been easy but 10yrs on and I think she's the best MIL ever and a fantastic grandma to my kids.

Another mil bashing thread they can't do right for wrong hasn't seen their grandchild and wants to spend time with them or they don't spend enough time. The lack of tolerate tolerate the mother of your dh is appalling. It's very worrying as a mother of two boys I wonder what her POV is.

What is your mother like, howsoon?