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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I dont want MIL to look after DD!

196 replies

howsoonisnow85 · 10/04/2021 16:47

Help please!
Me & MIL are really different, I don't really like being around her & find her visits stressful. She is very over the top, loud & dominating, I am the polar opposite.
We haven't seen her much in the last year, for obvious Covid reasons but she is planning to come & stay in afew weeks. My DH is very ambivalent towards her, they are not close & he finds her as annoying as I do.
While she is here she wants to look after my DD for the day instead of her going to nursery, which I understand is totally normal & fine. But, I just really don't want her to! I know I will find it stressful not knowing what they are doing & I sort of just don't want my DD spending that much time with her. Am I within my rights to say no & what reason could I give?!

OP posts:
FuzzyPup · 10/04/2021 20:22

Not a chance would I let my MIL, or my own DM, look after my 20 month old for a full day, when they’ve seen him a handful of times, from a distance, over the last year.

Practically strangers due to Covid - and we video call several times a week. He isn’t comfortable with them when we have met in parks though.

That would not be fair to DS, but it also wouldn’t be a good relationship building experience for MIL or DM either.

YANBU.

thebillyotea · 10/04/2021 20:23

@Sausageroll67

Ugh typical MIL MN reaction. Just cos she isn’t your cup of tea let’s just RANT about how AWFUL she is.

She’s your child’s grandmother, let her be invoked with her own family fgs and get over yourself. She brought her son up who you presumably are married to/in a relationship with.

Jesus Christ

Any decent grand-parent would take time to bond with the child and would not make ridiculous demands about cancelling their days, changing their routine and forcing a young child to spend a day with a virtual stranger!

It should not be about the MIL, it should be about the child.

So yes, typical MN reaction to praise mothers who put their children first.

Presumably the 19 months old is not spending 20 hours a day a nursery, plenty of time to learn to know her grand-mother.

She should be grateful to be hosted to start with, not becoming the MIL from hell making demands!

HermitsLife · 10/04/2021 20:26

I think the relationship between a child and their grandparent is very special, its completely separate to the relationship that you have with either of them, but it is still very important.

I think unless you have real serious concerns about your MIL you would be doing your daughter a real diservice to deny her that relationship.

thebillyotea · 10/04/2021 20:30

If MIL expect a relationship with a child, they should work on their relationship with the parent first.

If they can't be trusted to make an effort and be accepted by their DIL, how on earth can they be trusted with the child?

If you are worried about your grand-children, work on your relationship with your DIL from the beginning. Don't make demands while the child is there and act all surprised and hurt if you are not welcome.

The OP is not even refusing anything, she's the one hosting her MIL! What more do you want her to do!

C8H10N4O2 · 10/04/2021 20:40

Same. Ive only got sons and I hope the women they end up having children wouldn't think like this. Id be heartbroken

Then aim to build at least a cordial relationship with your son's partners. Honestly most families rub along this way with just a bit of eye rolling and tutting at times (on both sides). The threads which appear here are those where something is wrong and often the DH has a difficult relationship with his mother.

Aim for a working relationship rather than expecting to be best buds and its more likely to succeed. You may be best buds but since neither of you will have chosen the other that is largely luck.

OP: if your MiL is safe and would look after her well then the main consideration is how well DD knows her, copes with routine changing and how long the visit lasts. Picking her up early from nursery or some half days might work better for both of them.

notacooldad · 10/04/2021 21:06

Any decent grand-parent would take time to bond with the child and would not make ridiculous demands about cancelling their days, changing their routine and forcing a young child to spend a day with a virtual stranger!
Blimey! What a load of hyperbole! The grandmother wants to spend time with the family ( relationship building)and has asked if she can look after her grand daughter one day!
I'm sure if gc sees everyone getting g on well and having a nice time with each other it will build her confidence to spend time with gran.

ShimmyShimmyYa · 10/04/2021 22:02

stick to your guns, Op
no-one has the right to look after their grand-child
if you feel uncomfortable, then that's reason enough not to capitulate
make clear your boundaries- def best done early on
i'm 17 years down the line with my controlling MIL- FIL just as bad as he is in total thrall to her. and we all dance around her i'm so done with it and wish i'd been assertive early on (or moved far away!!)

ShimmyShimmyYa · 10/04/2021 22:06

i'm not bashing grandparents in general- many are wnderful humans!! but a controlling person is unlikely to become relaxed and generous simply because they'e own offspring reproduce

ShimmyShimmyYa · 10/04/2021 22:06

their

thebillyotea · 10/04/2021 22:07

The grandmother wants to spend time with the family
she is, the OP hasn't refused to have her stay in her home.

She is not even pretending to be helpful to the OP and take care of the child to give her some time. She is suggesting to cancelling the nursery instead. Not terribly helpful for the parents, is it.

There are better ways to build relationship with your family.

Macncheeseballs · 10/04/2021 22:17

A little tolerance goes a long way, we can't always hang out with people who have the same personality and sensibilities as our selves

alexdgr8 · 10/04/2021 22:26

just
say
no

Billandben444 · 10/04/2021 22:45

No. This is not a negotiation, I said no I meant no.'
Wow. Rude or what!

Lili132 · 11/04/2021 09:34

@Footloosefancyfree

Another mil bashing thread they can't do right for wrong hasn't seen their grandchild and wants to spend time with them or they don't spend enough time. The lack of tolerate tolerate the mother of your dh is appalling. It's very worrying as a mother of two boys I wonder what her POV is.
But this just shows how important it is to raise sons who are involved in family life and their future children. Until then this dynamic won't change.
Lili132 · 11/04/2021 09:43

@thebillyotea

If MIL expect a relationship with a child, they should work on their relationship with the parent first.

If they can't be trusted to make an effort and be accepted by their DIL, how on earth can they be trusted with the child?

If you are worried about your grand-children, work on your relationship with your DIL from the beginning. Don't make demands while the child is there and act all surprised and hurt if you are not welcome.

The OP is not even refusing anything, she's the one hosting her MIL! What more do you want her to do!

My mum didn't like my grandmother and there very subtle ways she tried to distance my relationship with her. I really hated it as a child. Bond between a grandparent and a grandchild is very special and important for child's development and unless there are safety issues it should be supported by the parents. I also disagree with mother as an only gatekeeper of child's relationships. Should maternal grandmother also try to be liked by her daughter's husband before she's allowed in her grandchild life? Children are not mother's property and building relationships goes both ways. People should absolutely make an effort to be on good terms with their spouse's parents as well.
Jammysod · 11/04/2021 09:47

Unless you have safety concerns, you probably are being a bit unreasonable.

KarenMarlow3 · 11/04/2021 09:55

A compromise would be for you to be present too, and do a joint activity, even if it's only a walk or a visit to a park. Then you'll see how she interacts with your daughter. You sound as if you dislike her, but please remember that she is your daughter's grandmother, and she will want to start building a relationship with your daughter. Her character, unless you have any reason to believe that she might be abusive in any way, shouldn't be a reason to stop her having access to your daughter.

Carouselfish · 11/04/2021 10:39

One to one is better than nursery unless there's something wrong with her ie. not safe to look after children. She loves her, she wants to and actually, it's good for children to be around people with different personality types. If you're quiet and reserved maybe an opposite influence will give your child more balance.

thebillyotea · 11/04/2021 11:29

I also disagree with mother as an only gatekeeper of child's relationships.
that's absolutely a parent's role! Especially with a baby.

Should maternal grandmother also try to be liked by her daughter's husband before she's allowed in her grandchild life?
yes... why do you think they shouldn't?

Children are not mother's property and building relationships goes both ways. People should absolutely make an effort to be on good terms with their spouse's parents as well.

It's not about being a property, it's about being their responsibility. If you cant' trust your MIL to be decent with you, you'd be mad to trust her with your own child!

When MIL are not ready to make efforts with their DIL, they can't trust them with the child, can't trust them to respect their choices and rules etc..

The OP is clearly making a lot of effort, not everyone would be happy to have their MIL staying over.

A child is not a puppy, the MIL has no right to them!

thebillyotea · 11/04/2021 11:30

and she will want to start building a relationship with your daughter.

that's the problem.

It shouldn't be just about what the MIL WANT, should it.

MintLampShade · 11/04/2021 11:46

Sorry, haven't RTFT but of course you are within your rights to not take her out of nursery. I'd just say I wouldn't want to disrupt DDs routine as she is very settled at the moment, eating & sleeping well etc. How many days of nursery are we talking about and how long is she staying for? As a middle ground, would you be comfortable suggesting that maybe she can collect DD from nursery an hour or so earlier? Of course you don't have to, just thought it may be easier for you if you came up with an alternative suggestion at the time you turn her childcare offer down.

And remember. She is you DD and you do what you think is best for her. I'm sure you have your reasons.

billy1966 · 11/04/2021 12:29

I think it is completely up to you if you prefer your daughter to spend the day in nursery as normal.

You are her parent, all decisions are yours.

LiveLuvLaugh · 11/04/2021 12:42

If your DD is attached to your MIL (interacts with her spontaneously, can be comforted by her, smiles/laughs, seeks her out) then there's no reason not to pay for the nursery day but let DD and MIL have some fun together. If you're not sure that DD feels totally happy and familiar and secure with her then DD should go to Nursery as usual. Don't let your feelings about MIL obstruct the relationship between her and DD. Grandparents are precious.

Robin233 · 11/04/2021 13:22

@SnackSizeRaisin

I would never leave my child alone with someone I didn't like! Grandparents don't have rights to someone else's children. If you want to see them you need to ensure that the daughter in law doesn't dislike you. Acting as though you are entitled to look after their children is a sure way to put them off!

^^^
This with Bells on.
If something was to happen
I certainly wouldn't have her stay.
19 months is not old enough

ceilingsand · 11/04/2021 13:39

I wouldn't leave my baby with a stranger, which is how your DD will see her. Even relatives have to actually see children regularly to be considered safe by them.

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