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AIBU?

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Original poster

I dont want MIL to look after DD!

196 replies

howsoonisnow85 · 10/04/2021 16:47

Help please!
Me & MIL are really different, I don't really like being around her & find her visits stressful. She is very over the top, loud & dominating, I am the polar opposite.
We haven't seen her much in the last year, for obvious Covid reasons but she is planning to come & stay in afew weeks. My DH is very ambivalent towards her, they are not close & he finds her as annoying as I do.
While she is here she wants to look after my DD for the day instead of her going to nursery, which I understand is totally normal & fine. But, I just really don't want her to! I know I will find it stressful not knowing what they are doing & I sort of just don't want my DD spending that much time with her. Am I within my rights to say no & what reason could I give?!

OP posts:
Sunshineday1 · 11/04/2021 13:39

@Robin233 I actually cannot believe this response, so if you don’t like your DH mother, she can’t spend one on one time with your child, even if there are zero safeguarding concerns ? Wow. Really feel for MIL’s. it’s not their role to bow down to demanding DILs! Just to be loving/caring grand mother’s

thebillyotea · 11/04/2021 13:48

Really feel for MIL’s. it’s not their role to bow down to demanding DILs!

what you meant is it's not a DIL role to bow down to demanding MIL...
The DIL is not demanding anything at all , is she. She is just gracefully and politely accepting to host her MIL for a start.

Sunshineday1 · 11/04/2021 14:03

@thebillyotea you are massively projecting on this thread 😂 neither have to bow down to anyone! It’s just called being a family.

thebillyotea · 11/04/2021 14:05

[quote Sunshineday1]@thebillyotea you are massively projecting on this thread 😂 neither have to bow down to anyone! It’s just called being a family.[/quote]
why do you accuse ME of projecting, but not the poster I am replying to? (and quoted in my post to make it clear?) Confused

It's not me who started to speak about "bowing down"...

thebillyotea · 11/04/2021 14:06

[quote Sunshineday1]@thebillyotea you are massively projecting on this thread 😂 neither have to bow down to anyone! It’s just called being a family.[/quote]
actually, it's YOU who wrote it!

and it's ME who is projecting? Confused

you don't like people disagreeing with you, do you? Are you one of those MIL, is that what it is?

FortunesFavour · 11/04/2021 14:08

Sorry OP but I think you sound a bit mean. Let the poor MIL build a relationship with her grandchild. It’s not as if you or her son are that bothered about her. Poor woman, all because you find her overbearing.

Sunshineday1 · 11/04/2021 14:12

@thebillyotea calm down dear, I said it’s NOT their role to bow down. No one should be as I said it’s called being family and actually no, I’m not a MIL. My kids are young, but I have a MIL, and actually really dislike her, but she’s my kids grandma and they love her, who am I to stop that?

Marshasthorn · 11/04/2021 14:25

@Justcallmebebes

She's her grandmother. You may find her annoying but it really isn't all about you. You are being very very unreasonable and very controlling
I disagree with this comment.

It really is about the mother because the kid’s main carer is the mother. So if the mother is left distressed in anyway the kid will be in care of a someone who is distressed. Right now with op being the main carer , her feelings are a priority.

Also, if the mil is as OP describes, likely the mil will behave around child this way when she’s older. What does this teach the child ? ‘Well it’s okay to accept this behaviour because they’re family’.

Happy mum, happy baby.

Stressed mum, baby will pick it up.

Forcing relationships to keep others happy whilst putting yourself second is IMO unnecessary.

ceilingsand · 11/04/2021 14:28

But it's immaterial anyway, as nobody would leave a 19 month for a day with someone they'd barely met. They just wouldn't.

JackieTheFart · 11/04/2021 14:31

You don’t need any other reason than you don’t think it’s a good idea. Say you’ll plan something for the weekend instead.

LizB62A · 11/04/2021 14:37

It's your baby and your decision.
Lots of people have given good reasons above that your MIL shouldn't really question (routine etc.)
If you don't get on with her and she was a poor parent to your DH, why would you want to leave your child with her?

thebillyotea · 11/04/2021 15:46

@ceilingsand

But it's immaterial anyway, as nobody would leave a 19 month for a day with someone they'd barely met. They just wouldn't.
sadly, some would... the concept of "me time" is very important for some lazy parents. It's depressing but true.
Sunshineday1 · 11/04/2021 16:09

Completely off topic but yes, how depressing, a parent could possibly want some me time 😢 don’t they know the 2 are not mutually exclusive!!!

ChocolateDeficitDisorder · 11/04/2021 16:33

I would think that you husband would have a 50% say in this decision, maybe even 51% in this case since it's his Mum. I imagine you wouldn't ask his permission before you choose to let your Mum spend a day with your baby?

Cherrytree1621 · 11/04/2021 16:44

I think you need to let your child have a bond with her gran, I'm not a massive fan of my MIL but I wouldn't stand in the way of her bonding and spending time with my two boys (she lives 300 miles away so we don't see her often anyway so I feel bad that she can't see them as much)
what about her picking your child up early from nursery instead of the whole day?

Robin233 · 11/04/2021 18:41

@Sunshineday1

@Robin233 I actually cannot believe this response, so if you don’t like your DH mother, she can’t spend one on one time with your child, even if there are zero safeguarding concerns ? Wow. Really feel for MIL’s. it’s not their role to bow down to demanding DILs! Just to be loving/caring grand mother’s
^^^

Yes , 'if' I didn't like my mil she wouldn't spend time with my kids.
I do though

I love her. She is a very good grandmother.

Maybe I should have said I wouldn't have let my kids have one on one time with an adult who I didn't like - even if that included MIL.

I like most people but for example if I knew someone was cold and unloving they wouldn't be baby sitting.

I hope that makes more sense.

thebillyotea · 11/04/2021 18:55

@Sunshineday1

Completely off topic but yes, how depressing, a parent could possibly want some me time 😢 don’t they know the 2 are not mutually exclusive!!!
Oh, I am sorry it's hard for you to keep up. Let me make it easier to understand...

There's nothing wrong with parents having a life, or "me time".

There's a lot of wrong with selfish parents putting their own need and own "me time" above the well being of their child, and accepting anything and everything because they want an easy life.

Normal parents chose babysitters, childminders or nurseries because they feel the best fit and the best environment for their child to be. Not purely because its' convenient..

Does it make more sense to you now? Smile

Original poster
howsoonisnow85 · 29/04/2021 18:58

Evening, resurrecting this thread with another AIBU! So, MIL is here this week, I took the advice of the thread & agreed that she could pick DD up an hour early from nursery & come back to our house with her. She did this Mon & then again today, however today she texted DH & asked if she could take DD to the park before coming to the house. Me & DH discussed & said fine. DH then called her & asked if DD was ok, what she was doing etc & MIL was very vague saying she was on the way to the park- when DH pushed MIL admitted she had taken DD to her friends house, not the park. I think she lied because she had asked previously if she could take DD to this friends house & we'd said no. I am really upset about this, its the only time in her life I haven't known where DD was & what she was doing. I feel its a massive breach of trust. But Im aware that I am coming at this from the angle of not wanting MIL to look after her in the first place so my perspective is skewed. What do you think? YABU to be upset & its really not a big deal or YANBU & its ok to say no more solo looking after of DD?

OP posts:
Warrickdaviesasplates · 29/04/2021 19:58

Definitely not being unreasonable! Your MiL has looked after DD once and now has disregarded your explicit instructions not to take her to her friends house and lied to you leaving you with no idea of where your Dd was.

Un-bloody-believable. She would be getting read the riot act by me as soon as she got back.

Has DH got your back? As she's his mum maybe he should be the one to talk to her.

Original poster
howsoonisnow85 · 29/04/2021 20:13

Yes we both spoke to her when she got back & were very clear it wasn't ok. I was upset & wobbly voiced though, so wish Id been abit clearer. DH was good though. She has gone to SILs for the evening & SIL has texted DH to say she was upset, so now Im feeling bad! Not sure if I over reacted!

OP posts:
EverdeRose · 29/04/2021 21:08

YANBU
Compeltely out of order and she would NEVER look after my child again. She cannot be trusted.

MissAmericana · 29/04/2021 21:25

Outrageous. No, you are not being unreasonable.

Not only did she put you in the position of not knowing where your child was, she deliberately lied to you about what she was doing with your child precisely because she knew she was doing something you would not allow (because you'd bloody told her).

She knew this and thought (however subconsciously), "well I want to, and I'm entitled to do what I want with her even against the wishes of her parents, so I'm going to".

I would be absolutely furious and the consequence would absolutely be that she was not to have solo charge of my child for a very long time, if ever. She deliberately broke your trust in relation to the most precious thing in your life. I should hope she is upset.

Warrickdaviesasplates · 29/04/2021 21:27

@howsoonisnow85

Yes we both spoke to her when she got back & were very clear it wasn't ok. I was upset & wobbly voiced though, so wish Id been abit clearer. DH was good though. She has gone to SILs for the evening & SIL has texted DH to say she was upset, so now Im feeling bad! Not sure if I over reacted!
So she's upset, boo fucking hoo. She has no right to be upset that she's been told that her actions were unacceptable which she obviously knew, that's why she lied about it.

I'd be tempted to text SIL back and say "I doubt she's as upset as we were when we had no idea where DD was or who she was with."

Vetyveriohohoh · 29/04/2021 21:33

Don’t feel bad. You gave her an inch she took a mile. Your instincts were right in the first place so at least now you have good reason to trust them in the future

Original poster
howsoonisnow85 · 29/04/2021 21:45

Yes she did take a mile, you are right.
I think its going to be very awkward tomorrow, I really want to be direct with her & not leave it for my DH to speak to her again. I feel like as her mum, I need to stand up for my DD & say what I want to calmly & with strength. I feel like Im going to cry just thinking about it though!
She will definitely say something like- 'you aren't cross with me are you?' What shall I say?

OP posts:
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