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Original poster

I dont want MIL to look after DD!

196 replies

howsoonisnow85 · 10/04/2021 16:47

Help please!
Me & MIL are really different, I don't really like being around her & find her visits stressful. She is very over the top, loud & dominating, I am the polar opposite.
We haven't seen her much in the last year, for obvious Covid reasons but she is planning to come & stay in afew weeks. My DH is very ambivalent towards her, they are not close & he finds her as annoying as I do.
While she is here she wants to look after my DD for the day instead of her going to nursery, which I understand is totally normal & fine. But, I just really don't want her to! I know I will find it stressful not knowing what they are doing & I sort of just don't want my DD spending that much time with her. Am I within my rights to say no & what reason could I give?!

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 10/04/2021 18:12

If we all went through life only liking those similar to ourselves life would be very boring.
As you haven't seen her in a year it would be nice to allow her care for DD for a day.
Try make her feel welcome it isn't often.

KatieKat88 · 10/04/2021 18:13

Do what you feel is best for your daughter. If she barely knows her, being left alone for a whole day with her probably isn't the best thing. I love my in laws but wouldn't leave DD (17 months) alone with them for a whole day as they haven't been around her enough (due to covid and geographical constraints, no-one's fault). That isn't controlling, it's parenting.

HermitsLife · 10/04/2021 18:17

Well your husband knows her better than anyone else. Is there something in his childhood that would put either of you off her spending time alone with your daughter?

If its genuine concern for your daughter's welfare then tell her no. If its just the unsual Mumsnet MIL is a bitch then really you need to lighten up a bit.

DDiva · 10/04/2021 18:20

I would def say you want to keep her in her normal routine. Maybe after she's been with you for a while and your dd is comfortable with her you and h could go out for a couple of hours or mil take dd to the park. Your dd def needs to get to know her a bit more before she has her for a long period.

Griselda1 · 10/04/2021 18:22

As others have said keep her in routine and send her to nursery.Presumably she could take her to the park, read a book with her or whatever. I'd offer other opportunities but it's not appropriate to keep her out of nursery and I'm sure it would start off expectations of it being a regular thing.

Stonerosie67 · 10/04/2021 18:24

This isn't about what's best for your DD, is it, it's all about you not liking your mil so therefore being determined your dd won't. You're being really mean, and very controlling. At least be honest, and admit it.

1Morewineplease · 10/04/2021 18:25

Both you and your OH need to tell your MIL that your child needs to go to nursery to learn socialising skills.
To be honest, YOU are the parents and it is YOUR decision.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 10/04/2021 18:28

Just say 'thank you (through gritted teeth) but it's important fir DD to stay in her routine after such an unsettled year'. Rinse & repeat.

If DH isn't bothered about seeing her, can't you put her off until the summer? (Indefinitely).

Is she allowed to stay over where you live? If you're in England it's still not permitted. Bloody good excuse.

Justmuddlingalong · 10/04/2021 18:29

You are perfectly within your rights, but your reasoning seems a bit unclear.

Billandben444 · 10/04/2021 18:29

A whole day is a long time tbh. Perhaps she could look after her part of a Saturday or Sunday while you go shopping. It would be a bit mean not to let her spend time with her grandchild unless you have safety worries? I'm also surprised at the number of posters who say tell her she can't stay and I hope they never find themselves being refused access to their grandchildren - karma.

Devlesko · 10/04/2021 18:30

All those saying she's a stranger well the nursery staff aren't even related to the child, certainly don't love their charges, and of course were actual strangers at the beginning.
Trust them at nursery you should trust a mil who has raised the son you married Sad

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 10/04/2021 18:31

What has your DH told you about his childhood? Was she a kind and caring mother, or something else?

The reason I ask is because I am currently having a very similar conversation with my DP who wants his mother to provide childcare to cut the nursery bill.

Based on his and his siblings' stories of her behaviour when they was small, it is a no from me. I won't hand my DC over to someone with a track record like hers.

Some difficult people are actually great with small kids, some use the opportunity to abuse and bully.

Ragwort · 10/04/2021 18:31

Why is she coming to stay with you if neither of you are that bothered about her? Hmm

I dread becoming a MIL ... I have read enough threads on here to just hope I can realise if I am not wanted and will have better things to do than expect to go and stay with my adult DC.

BeeDavis · 10/04/2021 18:36

You’re within your rights, but I’m currently pregnant and I would never ever stop my MIL from looking after my child. And my partner would never stop my mother either. Just because you don’t like her you’d deny her having a bond with your child? Proper weird behaviour.

GintyMcGinty · 10/04/2021 18:42

Poor woman wants to spend time with her grandchild. 🥲

Hankunamatata · 10/04/2021 18:45

Guessing she lives far away as she is coming to stay. And guessing visits dont happen that often. If that's the case it does seem mean to restrict daughter time with her granny while she is here.

pinkprosseco · 10/04/2021 18:46

Unless you have concerns about safety I think you would not be acting in your dd best interests to deny her the chance to spend time with her gp.

Hallyup5 · 10/04/2021 18:50

You're preventing your child from spending a day with their grandma? Disgraceful. It's fine to dislike the woman but don't take it out on your child.

Bluetable · 10/04/2021 18:54

I don't have a great relationship with my MIL and when we see her, I don't leave my child with her as she has some gross habits!! But if she didn't have those habits, I'd still let her babysit and spend time along with DC. Imagine yourself a granny one day and being cut out like that. You would feel so sad. Unless there is a good reason, you should let her imo.

lazylump72 · 10/04/2021 18:54

Keep your dd in nursery and visit for a few hours on a weekend ,,this should keep it tolerable and keep dd in a structured routine,

Sweettea1 · 10/04/2021 18:54

Do you don't even have a real reason as to why you don't want dd to be with nan. You don't know what dd is doing every minute in nursery. Very sad you don't want dd to have a bond with her nan it's 1 day. And everyone saying about her routine 1day off nursery will do no harm at all.

YoniAndGuy · 10/04/2021 18:55

@Devlesko

All those saying she's a stranger well the nursery staff aren't even related to the child, certainly don't love their charges, and of course were actual strangers at the beginning. Trust them at nursery you should trust a mil who has raised the son you married Sad
My DC went to nursery.

They weren't at all related to the carers, or knew them, which was why they had settling in sessions, and were obviously pretty unsettled and upset at first.

When they got used to going, got to know the carers, and understood that nursery was a place they went without mummy or daddy - all good.

We also lived a long way from family, so when they were very little they really didn't know grandparents well. Yes - they were related. Big deal, to a baby/toddler it's a person they don't know!

If I'd decided to just leave mine for the day at home, where they were used to being with mummy/daddy, in the care of any of the grandparents, just like that, they'd have found it really upsetting and unsettling. They would probably have spent most of the day anxiously looking for me/DH (because home is where we care for them) and would have been quite frightened to be honest.

Not exactly great bonding time. Can folk really not see that?

Honestly, if you want MIL to have a pleasant time getting to know her grandchild, leaving her in sole care at home after the child not seeing her for a long time, for the whole day, would be the absolute last thing I'd do. One of mine at least would probably have had the horrors if the grandparent had come anywhere near them after that!

Warrickdaviesasplates · 10/04/2021 18:56

@Hankunamatata

Guessing she lives far away as she is coming to stay. And guessing visits dont happen that often. If that's the case it does seem mean to restrict daughter time with her granny while she is here.
But if she lives far away and doesn't get to see them often I'd think it meaner to leave DD with someone she doesn't have a close bond with and doesn't know well.

Just tell MiL you really want to keep Dd in a routine with nursery and you have to pay for the days weather you use them or not and try and arrange a day trip you can all do together.

lanthanum · 10/04/2021 18:56

Are you (or dh) able to take the day off so that you, mil and dd can all spend time together? If she's not coming for long, it would be nice for her to have that time with you, rather than being left twiddling her thumbs all day. Find somewhere nice to go for a walk, if nothing else is open. As you say, it's not unreasonable to want to spend time with her grandchild, but it doesn't have to be alone if one of you can take the day off and join in.

But it's also fine to say you want to keep dd's normal routine. If you do that, you might want to think of some suggestions for how mil could spend the day, because otherwise she'll presumably be in your house all day - offer to drop her at anything that is open. Or if she's the sort that wants to interfere in housework, make sure there's enough ironing to stop her doing anything else, and maybe the odd errand she could do locally.

ludothedog · 10/04/2021 18:58

I don't always get on with my mum. She annoys the shit out of me. However she is a wonderful gran to DD and they have a great relationship. DD has another responsible adult that cares for her and tbh it's been bloody useful for if I've ever needed a babysitter and DD has requested at times to go and stay with her gran.

I see it as my job to ensure that DD has a good relationship with her extended family. Why wouldn't you want to do this for your child?

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