I dont want MIL to look after DD!

[howsoonisnow85]

Help please!
Me & MIL are really different, I don't really like being around her & find her visits stressful. She is very over the top, loud & dominating, I am the polar opposite.
We haven't seen her much in the last year, for obvious Covid reasons but she is planning to come & stay in afew weeks. My DH is very ambivalent towards her, they are not close & he finds her as annoying as I do.
While she is here she wants to look after my DD for the day instead of her going to nursery, which I understand is totally normal & fine. But, I just really don't want her to! I know I will find it stressful not knowing what they are doing & I sort of just don't want my DD spending that much time with her. Am I within my rights to say no & what reason could I give?!

[SnackSizeRaisin]

It's in the child's best interests to have a relationship with her grandparents

Yes, but it's possible to have that without a full day of sole charge when they don't even know each other. They can build a relationship with the parents present and once everyone is happy that things are going well, they can build up the amount of time.

[Bobbots]

It really annoys me when people act like they have some sort of claim to a child just because they are related by blood. People say “it’s her grandmother” but you haven’t seen her for a year so depending on DDs age and how frequently you FaceTime etc she is basically a stranger. It is not controlling to not feel comfortable with her looking after her for a whole day. Your DD won’t really know her and it’s putting your MIL and her wants and needs at the centre of everything. I actually think it speaks volumes that your MIL has asked to have your DD for a day when you already have childcare arranged - so it doesn’t actually help you or your DH - rather than saying “oh why don’t I take her to the park for a couple of hours on Saturday to give you two a break”. It’s about her and what she wants.

Just say that you’d like to keep her in her nursery routine but she can take her out for a bit at the weekend and whatever else you’d be happy with the rest of the time she’s staying.

[howsoonisnow85]

DD is 19 months.

All of you saying that I don't have a good reason to say no, you are right! That is why I am questioning it. Im sure DD would be perfectly safe, it is simply that I don't want her spending lots of time with someone I don't really like! Thats why Im struggling with this!

My DH isn't close to her because when he was growing up she was very good at being fun but failed him with things like a stable home, help with education etc.

I know Im being abit horrible & want to not be, just finding it hard to let go I suppose.

[saraclara]

I second the suggestion that she picks your DD up from nursery early one day so they have a couple of hours together.

If DD hasn't seen much of her GM over the last year, a full day is too long, and that should be a reasonable thing for MIL to understand. But if the only problem with MIL is that she's loud, I can't see why she shouldn't have a bit of one-to-one time with DD.

[SnackSizeRaisin]

I would hope that my future daughter in law doesn’t stop me looking after my grandchildren because she just doesn’t like me.

I would never leave my child alone with someone I didn't like! Grandparents don't have rights to someone else's children. If you want to see them you need to ensure that the daughter in law doesn't dislike you. Acting as though you are entitled to look after their children is a sure way to put them off!

[OverTheRainbow88]

Well a gran is great for just being fun and a 19
Month old doesn’t need help with education.

If you think she’ll be unsafe with gran that’s a diff issue.

You may regret pushing mil away when DD is older or you have another baby and you want a break etc

[MrsTophamHat]

Unless a grandparent is toxic and abusive, I think it's really awful to keep children from spending time with their own relatives. Our children are not our property and we shouldn't keep them from family members just because we personally might find them irritating.

When people are seen to be preventing their partners from seeing their family, we recognise that as controlling, but we don't seem to apply the same logic in facilitating close relationships between young children and their grandparents.

[thebillyotea]

She sounds awful!

Just thank her for the offer, but explain that routine is very important to keep your child settled and it would not be in your DD best interest to mess up that routine.

FFS, a child is not a puppy or a toy. She doesn't have any right to spend time unsupervised with a small child.

She will see her plenty enough when your DD is not at nursery, and can entertain her while you are coooking, or having a shower etc.

[Tinydinosaur]

I wouldn't leave my child with someone I didn't like either. DDs young, she won't know your MIL at all, she'll be happier at nursery, you'll be happier.

Grandparents don't have a right to unsupervised care of their grandchildren and have excellent relationships with their grandchildren they're not left in sole care of .

Just say you want her to stay in nursery, no excuse needed.

[WaverleyPirate]

The relationship between Grandparent and Grandchild is important. I'm not a grandparent but I did make sure my children went to their grandparents regularly.

It has massively enhanced my children's lives.

There can be irritations but it is worth thinking about the long term.

[thebillyotea]

I think it's really awful to keep children from spending time with their own relatives.

so the OP Is doing very well accepting to host her MIL and give her a chance to get to know her child.

No need to cancel nursery and go over the top, a 19 months old does not benefit from any of that nonsense.

[MintyCedric]

In the circumstances I consider DD having a couple of half days at nursery maybe tbh.

Grandparents are supposed to do the fun stuff, so long as you know your DD will be safe, that's the main thing.

[Cyntia123]

@Bagelsandbrie

Feel a bit sad for your MIL. Unless she’s a useless grandparent or you feel you can’t trust her for some reason then I think you should let her have a close relationship with her grandchild. It’s good for children to learn to adapt to different people. I would hope that my future daughter in law doesn’t stop me looking after my grandchildren because she just doesn’t like me.

Same. Ive only got sons and I hope the women they end up having children wouldn't think like this. Id be heartbroken.

[WaverleyPirate]

Maybe take smaller steps? An evening or morning with grandparents?

[AssassinatedBeauty]

You're not being horrible. It's a reasonable reaction to what you know of your DHs upbringing. Plus you have paid for the nursery day presumably so it will cost you to take her out for a day. If your MIL wants to get to know your DD then it's not going to be an issue if she spends time with you and your DD. There's no need or rationale for MIL having her for a day on her own. That's the sort of thing that can be built up to over time when you know your DD is ok with her.

[MaudesMum]

My grandmother was a strong character (was described so at her funeral) and clashed frequently with her only son's wife (my mother). But, 50+ years later I can still remember spending time with her when I was a small child, and I really loved it. Later on, I spent time with my other grandmother, and - again - I have nothing other than good memories.

[Maryann1975]

Personally I’d wait and see how she gets on with grandparent before deciding what to do (presuming that you will have a couple of days with grandparent staying before dd is meant to be in nursery?)
If they are getting on fine and gp seems capable, I’d agree she can collect dd early (maybe after lunch?) from nursery. If they don’t seem to be bonding and your dd isn’t relaxed in her company then she goes to nursery as normal.

[expectopelargonium]

If she's that young, then spending all day with someone she doesn't know would be too much for her.

[1980tastic]

I had something vvvv similar when mine was about 9 months old.

I kept quiet because I didn't want to rock the boat and it was the worst mistake I've made yet.

DD ended up being inconsolable, snivelling heaving sobs, a wreck, within a few minutes of us leaving, because she'd essentially been left with "a stranger" (grandma!) and was too young to understand what was going on. Granny didn't have a clue about her routine and, I think, had been more used to more laid back babies who don't melt down if tired or hungry etc.

I put my desire for a quiet life before the emotional needs of my child and I bitterly regret not just saying no, DD will be unsettled. that's a good enough reason!!

I ended up coming home within 2hrs called away from work, just as I was establishing my own back to work, it massively dented my own credibility and was unpleasant for DD, why the fuck didn't just stick up for her / myself I don't know.

Stand firm op. You have perfectly valid reasons for saying no.

[Ofallthethings]

I think this depends on your MIL's relationship with DD - if you have been doing a lot of video calling with DD and MIL, and DD is past the baby stage then DD will probably be comfortable enough around her to be looked after her for the day. If she barely knows MIL then it's not a good idea.
Taking her out of nursery for one day isn't the end of the world, and shouldn't completely unsettle her - you wouldn't think twice about it if you were going on holiday would you?
I do think you should facilitate MIL being able to bond with her granddaughter, you not liking her is not a reason to do this unless you have reason to think she would be abusive or neglectful. Families have not been able to see each other much in the last year, so I think it would be mean of you not to let MIL bond and catch up with her granddaughter again.

[Hardbackwriter]

Plus you have paid for the nursery day presumably so it will cost you to take her out for a day.

I don't understand this logic at all - no, OP won't save money by not sending her DD to nursery that day but nor will it cost her anything?

[BackforGood]

Well a gran is great for just being fun and a 19
Month old doesn’t need help with education.

If you think she’ll be unsafe with gran that’s a diff issue

This ^

So, my answer still depends on the answers to all the other questions.

I mean, if your dd goes to a 3 hour session and your MiL will see her all the rest of the time, it is quite different from if your dd is in childcare for 10 hours, comes home and goes to bed.

etc
etc

[IceCreamAndCandyfloss]

Unless she is in your bubble she can’t come indoors or stay over yet so I’d delay on the basis.

[DenisetheMenace]

Only just getting to know our first grandchild because of this writes year.
He’s still very young so not in nursery but no way would we expect his routine to be disrupted to suit us. We’re more than happy to care for him, as required by mum and dad and when he’s comfortable with us and good and ready.
I would say that having her visit you all is enough for now.

[DenisetheMenace]

Writes?
Weird.