To think you can have a perfectly nice life as an only child?!

[GordonYaSelfishTwit]

Am I the only 'only" who actually really enjoyed their childhood and has never once felt hard done by because I don't have a sibling?

I always see people talk about this as if it's really negative but I really liked being an only child (and I still do!).

My child has half siblings on their dad's side but if not, he'd be an only too! And he will likely grow up like one in day to day life as his siblings are quite a bit older. I don't feel guilty for not 'giving him a sibling'.

@EmeraldShamrock

I really fucking irritates me that only children who are selfish or socially awkward etc are assumed to be so because they are only children. Yes definitely. Both of my DC are extremely socially awkward which is strange as I'm not at all.

I'm the eldest of 5 and 4 of us were very socially awkward growing up, less so now.

The most selfish people I know have siblings

Most of my friends don’t have the best relationship with their siblings.

Most of my friends kids don’t really get on that well with their siblings.

Most of my friends have said lockdown was hard due constant sibling fighting.

It’s interesting; in the occasional wobble I’ve had during lockdown about DD being a ‘lonely only’, I keep coming back to two sets of siblings I know, who are the children of close friends. In each case both girls, close in age, with a lovely, supportive relationship and lots of shared interests and hobbies. This is what I’d envisage DD potentially having with a sister (for some reason in my head the sibling is always another girl).

Then I remember the numerous other families we know: the family of 3 where the middle child is having some major behavioural issues that are impacting on the others; the NCT friend whose preschooler is having behavioural therapy because his younger sibling was born profoundly disabled and he’s not coping; several larger families where there are essentially two ‘camps’, with two of the siblings not getting on with the other two; and the many families with two siblings who rub along broadly OK but have little in common and almost entirely separate interests (all of which the parents have to try and accommodate).

In practice think it’s actually quite difficult to create the idyllic close sibling bond of the first two families, and it’s ultimately very much the luck of the draw.

I have an only and the only thing I have a pang of regret about is that his child/ren won't have cousins on his side. I grew up with cousins and he is too and it's a lovely relationship. Then again, he may never have children and if he had brother and sisters, there's no guarantee that they would have children or live close to each other.

The narrative of an only child not being able to share really annoys me. As if children with siblings lovingly hand over their favourite toy to their little brother without a complaint!
Among his cousins and friends, dc is the quickest to share and I think it's because he doesn't have the conflict of siblings taking "his" things. It doesn't occur to him not to share because he doesn't have anybody in his life that is going to run off with his toys.

Hi, this thread is brilliant! I'm always posting on the one child families thread about my guilt and sadness at not being able to have another child. DS is 7 and a very happy only. He is so deeply loved and secure in that love and I'm gradually coming to terms with him not having a sibling.
I have a half brother I never see and who is completely disinterested in helping with my ageing father so my experience of siblings isn't positive.
A friend advised me a while back to stop at one esp. as i had DS at 41. Also she said there would be no sibling rivalry and arguing. Finally I'm realising she may be right

I was an only child until I was 14, and remained my df's only one. My dm remarried and had 4 more but I was older then, so most of my childhood I was on my own. I never felt 'lonely', I liked that I could do what I want and not have to share things or have other messing up my things. I got on well with adults and would cajole them to play board games with me! When they wouldn't, I'd play on my own! 🤣. I think it made me quite mature and independent. I did have friends and lots of cousins though. The only thing I didn't like about it was people's perceptions. I didn't like people asking if I had siblings and having to say no, in case they felt sorry for me or thought it was weird.

My eldest 2 dc's are 2 years apart and 90% of the time, they don't get on. They're male and female and are complete opposites of each other, in terms of interests, views and opinions, what they like, what they find funny and they bicker, argue and fight constantly! So there's no guarantee they'll get on. Although ds has Aspergers and in some ways it's good for him to have to deal with others (even though he finds it hard sometimes.). If I just had him, I think I'd allow him to get far too set in his ways for an easier life and that wouldn't really help him. Certainly not easy though!

I'm the only child of an only child and I have an only child.

@GordonYaSelfishTwit

In most families adult siblings are at least civil and supportive when needed, even if not close

I have friends who give me more than that to be fair.

I think that misses the point a bit, though. I think that, just like people with siblings sometimes struggle to remember that they wouldn't have missed their siblings individually if they were an only child, sometimes only children don't quite 'get' sibling relationships. A friend of mine is who is a very happy only child once in a conversation made it clear that she thinks of sibling relationships as directly equivalent to friendships and so only worthwhile having if your sibling is someone you would be friends with if not related. I think siblings can be friends but it can also be a completely different relationship but still one that both parties value (I guess I'd say that about my brother and I - we're very close but very different and neither of us have any friends like the other one). I do think sibling relationships are unique, but that doesn't mean I think it's necessarily any detriment or loss not to have one.

The comments here about ppl with siblings is actually really insulting at times "children mauling each other instead of sharing, we have way more time, more money , we are NC with all my dh's siblings as apparently they are all awful and they all hate each other anyway" etc, etc etc...
It's basically a summation of how much better it is to have one dc and a pile on of stories about how miserable more than one-child families are!
It's amazing that so many ppl who have one child know of so many other families (with more than one dc) who all hate each other and leave their parents to get eaten by their dogs once they are old as none of the 5 person family wants to know and also they all don't talk to each other
Like if you are happy with your set up and your family then that's all that matters, there's plenty of negativity about big families also.
Also all your arguments for only children on this thread make it sound like you have made the best decision ever so what else is there to say?
The majority of the posts here have tried to focus on the negatives of having more than one and almost rejoicing in it. It's not great and the argument of "ppl are mean about us" is lame and a bit of a contradiction. There will be ppl who are happier being onlies and ppl who aren't, that's life and no amount of reassuring yourselves either way will help tbh.

Of course only children can have a good life but a lot depends on the parents. Mine was miserable, I had 'old' parents with an even older outlook so I couldn't wait to get away.

My child is an only and had a good time as a child, lots of friends and interests, open house, etc (quite the opposite of my early experience). He still enjoys life very much as an adult though Covid has obviously restricted some things, including work.

Anyway there are plenty of one child families around. Yes it would be nice to have a sibling, someone of your own when you are grown up, but it can't always be helped and siblings don't always get on. It's up to parents to encourage their children to make the most of life whether they are on their own or not.

@Sooverthis1

The comments here about ppl with siblings is actually really insulting at times "children mauling each other instead of sharing, we have way more time, more money , we are NC with all my dh's siblings as apparently they are all awful and they all hate each other anyway" etc, etc etc... It's basically a summation of how much better it is to have one dc and a pile on of stories about how miserable more than one-child families are! It's amazing that so many ppl who have one child know of so many other families (with more than one dc) who all hate each other and leave their parents to get eaten by their dogs once they are old as none of the 5 person family wants to know and also they all don't talk to each other Like if you are happy with your set up and your family then that's all that matters, there's plenty of negativity about big families also. Also all your arguments for only children on this thread make it sound like you have made the best decision ever so what else is there to say? The majority of the posts here have tried to focus on the negatives of having more than one and almost rejoicing in it. It's not great and the argument of "ppl are mean about us" is lame and a bit of a contradiction. There will be ppl who are happier being onlies and ppl who aren't, that's life and no amount of reassuring yourselves either way will help tbh.

Yes, and there will be people who are happier with siblings and people who aren't. That's also life.

I agree that neither family model is inherently "better" for children, and I have no personal choices to defend as having an only child was not actually a choice for us. I always assumed that I would have two, because that seems to be the default, but nature had other ideas. I miscarried her only sibling and never managed to conceive another.

I think what you are failing to understand, @Sooverthis1, is the extent of judgment that still persists about only children. By your own admission further up the thread, you have been blissfully unaware of this, but those of us with only children are acutely aware of the negative stereotypes that abound. There are a few examples on this thread. When dd was younger, I was told on several occasions by complete strangers that I was selfish for not "giving" dd a sibling. I was advised that she would grow up selfish, or spoilt or lonely or whatever. It seems that all manner of negative personality traits are ascribed to being only children, whereas those with siblings are assumed to have positive impacts only. This is why people are eager to redress the balance by pointing out that having siblings doesn't always live up to the rosy ideal that it is portrayed to be, nor are people with siblings all wonderful and selfless beings with perfect social skills.

I don't think being an only child is better than having siblings, but I don't think it's worse either. It took me a while to come to that realisation, because I had unwittingly absorbed a lot of the negative stereotypes about only children that are prevalent in our society. Initially, I felt guilty about not giving dd a sibling, but as time went on, I realised that the stereotypes were all crap anyway, that there were lots of positives that balanced out any negatives, and that there were so many other factors that were actually far more important than having a sibling or not.

I think people are just trying to make the point that there are pros and cons either way, and that kids may be happy or unhappy in either scenario.

If you want judgement , read @Paddingtonthebear post "most of my friends with siblings, siblings fighting, siblings not speaking to each other etc etc etc
Can you not see how that's just as bad as saying "all my friends with onlies are this and that "....
It's totally wrong for ppl to make assumptions about only children but it doesn't make it right to slate , and that's what ppl are doing on this thread, families with more than one child. There's constant references to awful siblings relationships, fighting , no attention, less money, less independent, basically the same BS that ppl say about only children; " they are selfish, don't know how to share etc etc. " Neither is ok and that's what I am saying.

I have a sibling and have two children myself but it's clearly not the case that families with multiple children get the same amount of hurtful comments and unwarranted judgement as those with one child (unless the family is very large, which people feel just as able to rudely comment on), and a few defensive comments from parents of only children on this thread really isn't equivalent to all the nonsense that gets thrown the other way

@Hardbackwriter

I have a sibling and have two children myself but it's clearly not the case that families with multiple children get the same amount of hurtful comments and unwarranted judgement as those with one child (unless the family is very large, which people feel just as able to rudely comment on), and a few defensive comments from parents of only children on this thread really isn't equivalent to all the nonsense that gets thrown the other way

Exactly @Hardbackwriter.

@Sooverthis1, I expect it looks the same to you because you are happily oblivious of the criticism and judgement that gets directed towards only children and their families, not only online but in real life too. There is a reason why parents of only children feel defensive.

FWIW, I'm sure that parents with larger families probably experience the same sort of judgment and criticism too, and they are probably equally defensive.

A lot of people assume that anything other than the standard 2.4 kids is somehow less than desirable. The reality is that happy families come in many shapes and sizes.

Im one of 3. Not overly close. Mind games and nasty behaviour over the years. Had laugh at a blogger someone had 2 girls and she said friends for life. Not always!! Families are hard work. I have 2 kids

My kids aren't only kids but there is enough of an age gap for it to feel like it sometimes. General day to day pre-covid wasn't difficult but Lockdown has been incredibly hard - more so for the youngest as she is too small for chatting to friends online and her sister is too old to want to play childrens games with her. I have tried but it really isn't the sane as having a sibling of similar age to play with. (Although as one of 3 and the oldest I often wished I was an only growing up!! 🤣)

Although I did mostly have a happy childhood, I longed for a sibling for as long as I can remember. I feel bad to admit this now but I used to fantasize about my parents separating and my mum having another baby (my dad had had the snip) I felt lonely growing up, despite being allowed friends over whenever I wanted, it just wasn't the same. I spent a lot of time in an imaginary world of many siblings. My parents included me in most things and rarely went anywhere without me but there was a sense of me vs them.

As an adult I actually really enjoy my own company and am pretty introverted but I still do really wish I had a sibling and feel I missed out on that bond, relationship or just experience. I have three children.

I do find myself worrying now about what will happen when my parents die. The only family I have are my parents, one aunt (whose health is very bad and will likely die long before my parents) and 4 cousins who I am not close to. It's pretty daunting tbh.

I suppose the benefits are the financial support I've received and my parents happily being available to help with anything at the drop of a hat. I've never had to share them so that's a perk

I think what you are failing to understand, @Sooverthis1, is the extent of judgment that still persists about only children. By your own admission further up the thread, you have been blissfully unaware of this, but those of us with only children are acutely aware of the negative stereotypes that abound.

Spot on. And that negativity is even worse when you consider that not everyone with one child has chosen that.

I think the 'negative' responses about larger families on this thread have been mainly in response to perceived problems or 'losses' of being an only child.

It's note trying to be insulting to say in response to someone telling me that I'll have to deal with my parents death alone that my Dad is having to do that with 4 siblings. It's not trying to be insulting to say in response to people telling you how much you're missing out on a relationship, that you know several people who don't have one with their siblings and so it's obviously not guaranteed either way. It's not meant to be insulting to say in response to someone telling you how lonely your child must be having no one to play with that your step children don't play together and frequently argue.

All of these things are in response to things directed at only children and what they are assumed to be missing out on. It's not meant to be insulting to simply point out (and use your own experience of the people.you know as examples) that the perceived positives of having siblings do not always work out that way.

I also don't think it's insulting to say things like we had more money for X Y or Z that we wouldn't have had with more children. That is about someone's personal finances, they aren't suggesting that everyone who has more than one child is living in poverty unable to provide for them, just that in their situation they could afford more luxuries with only one child, some people may be able.to afford the same with 5 children, it's all dependent on the individuals.

I was at school with an only child, and he seemed fairly content and enjoying his childhood.

Give over. Saying people with more than one child get just as many mean comments is like saying very slim people get as many hurtful remarks as very overweight people. Neither is right, but I see about 7 anti-only threads for every 1 pro.

By this I mean 2/3 children. I totally accept those with 5 or 6 will get lots of faces and remarks that they obviously didn't watch enough TV.

Mine is an only - I just don't want another child, I'm too old and too knackered! I cannot have another purely to give him a sibling which is what it would amount to.

However, he is very lucky in other respects. Lots of lovely cousins who we see regularly and nice friends too. I put a LOT of effort into developing and maintaining his social life.

Overall I'd say he's got a pretty awesome life. If he resents me in the future for depriving him of a sibling then so be it.

There have been lots of threads on this. I find them fascinating and am in a total dilemma. DC is 3 and we need to decide if we have another as DH is 50. I was an only till I was 10 and thought it was absolutely fine. Now as an adult, I am cordial with my sibling, live in the same city but are not emotionally close.

So perhaps people project what they didnt have. I feel sad that DC might not have a little friend to play with because I never had a sibling close in age. But definitely wouldnt base my decision on how they are as adults because I know the reality that adult siblings might not be emotionally close. Funny world.

I wonder whether there is a gender dynamic at all. Does anything think that boys fare better or worse as only children either as kids or as adults?