To think you can have a perfectly nice life as an only child?!

[GordonYaSelfishTwit]

Am I the only 'only" who actually really enjoyed their childhood and has never once felt hard done by because I don't have a sibling?

I always see people talk about this as if it's really negative but I really liked being an only child (and I still do!).

My child has half siblings on their dad's side but if not, he'd be an only too! And he will likely grow up like one in day to day life as his siblings are quite a bit older. I don't feel guilty for not 'giving him a sibling'.

Just because you are an only child doesn’t mean you will have to do things on your own. My dh is an only but we have been together since we were 15 and we do everything as a team when it comes to all our parents. For our care we plan to make plans so our son doesn’t have to take care of us in our old just visit if he would like.

DH’s brother is a druggie little arsehole who is pushing his parents into an early grave. When they need care it will be me supporting DH, not my BIL. It would be less stressful and there would be a lot less heartache in the family if DH had been an only child.

I think the negative comments about having siblings are only a defensive response to the constant negative stereotyping of onlies

Agree. This is the only reason I ever see it really being brought up. When you're told how entirely alone only children are, selfish, spoilt etc... Of course people are going to counteract that with negative experiences they've seen having siblings.

I'm an only and had a good childhood. I went to private school, we had holidays abroad, my parents could afford things they wouldn't have been able to if I'd had a sibling. They would have loved another child but it wasn't to be. My parents always made the effort to let me have friends round so I wasn't lonely growing up and was (and still am) happy in my own company anyway. As a teenager my house was the go-to house as we lived close to town and my parents would always allow people to stay over after a night out (girls only, they weren't that cool ). I'm close to them both. As they get older I worry that it's just me around to help them. Although at least I can make the decisions without arguing with a sibling about what is best.

The downsides I would say are that there was a lot of pressure put on me at school/uni/work, (especially as they went without a lot to put me through private school) and all their attention was always on me (which isn't always a good thing). I didn't have anyone to argue with apart from my mum, and I never won an argument against her, so I hate confrontation and arguments. I'm a huge people pleaser and can be a bit of a doormat - I think I'd be much more resilient if I'd had a sibling because I'd be better at conflict resolution. I always wanted a sibling growing up, but now I'm older I'm not really bothered.

DH has a sister and they get on ok but they aren't close at all. I think that is down to PIL treating SIL as the golden child, even now they are in their 40's. DH has a lot of resentment towards them for that.

I always said that I wanted to have more than one child and we have two. I encourage my DC to get on with each other and I hope they will be close as adults and have the benefit of a relationship that I've never had. DH encourages them to get on as he wants them to have the relationship that he doesn't have with his sister.

I’m an only child and have loved it. I wouldn’t change a thing and I’d say it’s shaped me massively into who I am today

My only loves it! He says he is glad he has no sibs as all his friends hate theirs (I know that isn't the case btw). He has loads of friends and doesn't ever appear to be a "lonely only"

I'm in the unfortunate position of know life with a sibling and life without.

Personally I'd never choose to be an only child or only have one myself - medical conditions aside. It's so very lonely when your parents die and the caring responsibilities in the run up. No support, no one to fall back on. Constantly worried what would happen to my children if anything happens to me. It feels cruel to me that I'm in this position.

Yes there are certainly no guarantees but if you have a choice dont choose to have an only.

I think the negative comments about having siblings are only a defensive response to the constant negative stereotyping of onlies
Indeed. Do what is right or your family each to their own.

The thing with people sayig there are no guarantees with providing siblings, is that the same can be applied to no guaratees with onlies.

All we can do as parents is make a decision that is we feel is best for us and do the very best for our children in the circumstances we choose.

I do think there is longstanding judgement against parents of onlies, but I see the tide turning as many people don't want kids at all. Some of my circle of friends don't want kids and I feel secretly judged for having not one but two because of the effect it's having on the environment 🙄.

Much of our choices as parents are judged. It seems to come as a package along with a lifetime of worry about our child's/children's wellbeing!

Only children definitely do have a certain type of personality in my experience (often less willing to compromise, strong willed, comfortable in their own company), but I don’t see any of those as negatives!
I think there are lots of benefits to growing up with siblings BUT I do find it odd when people give their only reason for having another child as giving their first born a sibling...children don’t NEED siblings to be happy and whilst many are close there is absolutely no guarantee that they will thank you for “providing a sibling”. I think you should Have another child because YOU want one in the family, but don’t force or expect close sibling relationships where they may not be. That said, the vast majority of young children I know seem to love and get on well with their siblings.

I say this as an semi only child (having 4 half siblings) and currently pregnant with my third DC.

It all depends on the circumstances and what type of people you all are.
My specific experience...... I was an only child to older parents. At the time I loved being an only child, and was fine entertaining myself.
But..... Looking back I was and am now very reliant on my parents. They have always been very invested in my life. Too much. My mum has lived her life through me. I am her only focus. When she is unhappy I am the only person she can offload to and she has done this to me from a young age. I am quite a selfish person and I am not a people person. I think this is because I was alone so much as a child. I do feel like I missed out on things such as never having anyone to play with. When we went on holiday etc I would always stay with my parents and would never play with the other children. I didn't have cousins either. I was also dragged around adult days out like garden centres etc. We rarely did anything for me. And now as they are becoming elderly, all of that burden falls to me. And when they are gone, I will be alone. I would much rather have had someone to share all that with.
I chose to have 2 children, and whilst there is lots of bickering etc, I can already see that they have developed skills that I never have because they don't have their parents to themselves

I have a brother and while we went close as children. I couldn't be without him now.

I have an only child. He's only 3 but I'm unable to have more children. I feel extremely guilty that I can't give DS a sibling and worry about it alot. I worry he'll resent being an only child and will have MH issues as a Result of being only surrounded By adults for the majority of his little life (cheers covid)

I haven’t actually spoken to my brother for... must be about 3 years now? Big age gap and we just never actually interacted (not many mid teen lads have any interest at all in a baby/toddler). Plus he is quite odd.

Neversleepingever - MH issues? Don’t be daft!

@Neversleepingever Try not worry. I bet he'll be a confident little boy knowing he is really loved.
It is very normal to be an only DC these days.

We have two children as we wanted more then one and two is what I have the emotional capacity for. Having lots of children isn't really about them having siblings, it's about what you want? As long as you have enough love and attention to spread around the amount of children you have then your child will have a good stable, start in life, regardless of how many siblings they have and what the sibling relationships are like later on.

@Neversleepingever

I have a brother and while we went close as children. I couldn't be without him now.

I have an only child. He's only 3 but I'm unable to have more children. I feel extremely guilty that I can't give DS a sibling and worry about it alot. I worry he'll resent being an only child and will have MH issues as a Result of being only surrounded By adults for the majority of his little life (cheers covid)

You are being way over the top and a bit ridiculous. You think all only children have MH issues? We're fine, trust me.

OP read this: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4204360-If-you-are-one-of-three-children

So many posters from three-child families saying they had miserable childhoods.

Life is rarely ideal, and there is no ‘right answer.’ People’s ongoing obsession with family size shows that whatever we might like to think we’ve barely moved on from the 1950s; anything other than the ‘standard’ 2 DC (preferably one of each sex) is still questioned and seen as somehow inferior.

DD is on only - mainly through choice but with some complicating medical factors. No cousins either. As with everything there are pros and cons. I’m one of two, but my brother now lives overseas and I’m under no illusions that he’ll be any real use as and when my elderly parents need more help. Same scenario for lots of my friends (in our 40s) - as people have become more mobile many families are more fragmented.

Agree that lazy stereotypes around only children still abound. I posted on a similar thread yesterday that some of this might stem from the fact that parents of multiple DC look at how comparatively ‘easy’ having one is from a parenting point of view and console themselves that the trade off must be that the only child is spoilt/selfish/lonely/badly adjusted. And, of course, children growing up in larger families must all be neglected, overlooked and put upon.

I have found that it’s the ‘golden child’ in a family who have more ‘issues’ - not necessarily mental health but also social issues.

Most single children I know have been brought up not thinking that the world revolves around them or that they fart rainbows.

I have an only. She has so many opportunities she wouldn’t have if we’d had more.
But really, she’s an only for entirely selfish reasons. I loved my own life ore kids and I spend a lot of time away with friends (well 5 weekends ish a year ore Covid) and my husband and child hang out. Given it would be harder work with a couple of kids, my husband would never go for it.

I was an only til I was 14 and loved it but also loving having my siblings who are great fun.

There’s no way we could have lived the way we do with more than one. As it is we live in a nice area, he goes to a nice school, has gone on trips and clubs and had a lovely time.

I was looking at some photos of a niece (a single child) at all her clubs, classes etc. I had none of that until I was old enough to pay my own subs and take myself to the classes. I was desperate to dance, do gymnastics and swim. My parents had no time to endings me - and with the older kids, not enough money to do this.

Only child here. My childhood was good and apart from very specific occasions I never yearned for a sibling. Family holidays were mind numbingly painful for a teenager (camping but never anywhere with good facilities and spent the majority of the time hiking so I was on the verge of tears from boredom, loneliness and frustration most days on holiday, but my parents loved it so I was never really factored into the “fun” and just saw me as being an uncooperative teenager and didn’t really think about how I felt at all) so I would have adored a sibling then. But that was it really, and that could have been mitigated by my parents factoring a teenager into those holidays and putting themselves in my shoes. I have always struggled to make friends and with no siblings and no children in the family I do wonder if this was different I would have been different. But then there are negatives that come with siblings too. None of my friends had their own rooms and I did! Which I loved. If I did have a sibling our lives would have been dramatically different and living on the breadline due to finances etc.

As an adult I do feel some guilt I’m not there for my parents (moved out of the area) so when they are ill or something goes wrong I can’t help, but that never comes from them.

I think there’s positives and negatives to both and you just have to do what you think is best for your family.

My ex DH is an only child. He didn't see it as an issue. However I did find that he struggled to just 'share' in very normal situations.
"Can we put some music on the the kids will like?" - no he couldn't see why we would do that.
"Let's decide together where we are going today?" - no only his ideas mattered.
"Let's do...(this) with the kids..." - no I don't want to... I want to...
"Let's wait to eat and get the baby to sleep first". - no I want to eat now.
"The DC's want to join..." - no I'm not giving up my evening to pick them up.

You get my drift, I always wondered if the normality of family sharing had passed him by, it made him a difficult adult ( difficult for us as a family not for him! ).

@LauristonLane I imagine he was just a selfish person? there are plenty of selfish people with siblings too.

Depends on a lot of factors IMO. Personality of the child, if you have friends/family with kids, if they go to nursery/holidays clubs where they can play with others or are they mostly at home.

I do have half siblings but was basically an only child due to big age gaps and not seeing them that often. I played on my own a lot of the time and my mum only ever worked during school hours so school was pretty much the only social interaction I had with other kids. I'm quite jealous of people who are really close with their siblings, I think it must be really nice (although I know it doesn't always work out like that).

Yeh, maybe @GordonYaSelfishTwit

However, it was more the nature of the selfishness, just things that happen normally in a family, discussion and compromise, turn taking, sharing, waiting, debating, giving because it makes someone else happy.
All of that had completely passed him by!

With siblings this has to happen as a normal part of family life, it can't be all about the 'one'.