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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think you can have a perfectly nice life as an only child?!

237 replies

GordonYaSelfishTwit · 10/04/2021 06:06

Am I the only 'only" who actually really enjoyed their childhood and has never once felt hard done by because I don't have a sibling?

I always see people talk about this as if it's really negative but I really liked being an only child (and I still do!).

My child has half siblings on their dad's side but if not, he'd be an only too! And he will likely grow up like one in day to day life as his siblings are quite a bit older. I don't feel guilty for not 'giving him a sibling'.

OP posts:
BatleyTownswomensGuild · 10/04/2021 09:06

Reading this reassures me a bit. I have an 'only' (not through choice, but circumstance.) And I often feel racked with guilt that I've set him up for a lonely life. (DH thinks I'm massively over thinking this...)

Poppet55 · 10/04/2021 09:06

Plus there’s alway the situation of one being the favourite, which wasn’t me out of me and my brother and it affected it me mentally a lot and still does.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 10/04/2021 09:07

I have one brother. We're not close but I would have loved to have more siblings. I would have had a couple more if my mum had been able to.

WeAreAllCompletelyFine · 10/04/2021 09:10

I think it just depends. Many children are perfectly happy as an only.

I'm the opposite as I'm one of 5 and had the happiest, most idyllic childhood. We're all close now in out 30s and 40s. I wasn't ignored or starved of attention, I had all the peace I wanted and the opportunities I wanted. We didn't have much money or new clothes etc but it was the 80s/90s and I think things were a bit different then.

You read negative things about large and small families, you just have to do what's right for you.

BurbageBrook · 10/04/2021 09:15

I wasn’t an only but as a kid I often envied those who were! You can have a lovely life as an only IMO.

gonnabeok · 10/04/2021 09:21

I was an only child and had a good childhood. I had lots of friends and three cousins I saw often. I had a best friend who had a sister 18 months younger. They absolutely hated each other. I felt so sorry for their mum who was a single parent as they would argue and physically fight all the time. I also have an only child who actually preferred home schooling during lockdown but kept in touch with her friends online throughout. My best friend now is an only child with an only child too and she also says she had a good childhood and didn't feel she missed out because of it.

dottiedodah · 10/04/2021 09:24

I had a happy childhood as an "only" was also the only Grandchild as well! lots of aunties ,Cousins and friends to play with as well .

Waxonwaxoff0 · 10/04/2021 09:27

@BatleyTownswomensGuild

Reading this reassures me a bit. I have an 'only' (not through choice, but circumstance.) And I often feel racked with guilt that I've set him up for a lonely life. (DH thinks I'm massively over thinking this...)
You are massively overthinking. Siblings are not the only people you can forge close relationships with. I'm an only child and far from lonely.
AliTheMinx · 10/04/2021 09:30

I love being an only child too. My dad was an only child and my son (9) is an only child. I don't think any of us have ever felt as though we are missing out. My son is very social, so lockdown was quite tough, but with the help of Zoom and Teams he managed to stay in touch with friends. I am conscious that as my parents get older, there may be some tricky times ahead should their health fail, but they have both been quite open about their wishes, which is helpful. I have benefited greatly from financial support from my parents over the years and although they are not rich, they were able to affird to send me to a private school, for which I am very grateful, and help me to get on to the property ladder. I feel very lucky.

TheWashingMachine · 10/04/2021 09:30

My DC are 8 and 9 and DD told me that in terms of love her brother will always be the most important, more than me or DH. I think the bond they have is wonderful and I'm happy for them. They are best friends.

BashfulClam · 10/04/2021 09:31

My husband is an only and he is very shy, quiet and introverted. Mil li ra bc a heavily on him which as I have a brother we can share responsibility.

DipSwimSwoosh · 10/04/2021 09:34

My childhood was full of shared experiences with my siblings who are still my closest friends.
My house is full of imaginative games and fun.
Siblings often do get on. There may be advantages to being an only but therebate also advantages to having company.

Original poster
GordonYaSelfishTwit · 10/04/2021 09:38

OP, you had a lovely childhood and want to replicate that. That’s ok. But it doesn’t mean one way is better than another. Your parenting (and your partner’s) will drive the outcome for your child

I certainly don't mean to imply that one way is better than the other. I don't believe that. But I do often hear people talk about only children as if it's a negative thing which is why I started the thread. I don't think many people do assume families with siblings are negative in the same way they do only children hence feeling the need to say it's not actually that bad and share the positives some of us have experienced being only children.

I have genuinely never heard anyone speak negatively of only children so I think there's some projection here

There's another thread this morning for one... but I have seen it on here and in real life plenty of times to know people do think negatively about either being an only child or their children potentially being only children. There seems to be lots of upset about not 'giving' your child a sibling for example as if it's some great gift and they are losing out without it or you're somehow failing as a parent if you can't/don't want to, I've heard people saying how only children are more selfish, must be lonely so on and so on... it definitely is viewed negatively by lots of people in my experience, I don't see the same negativity aimed toward families with multiple children at all.

Me sharing my experiences of my DSCs and my husband not speaking with his brother, or my Dad's siblings not helping with my gran wasn't to say that it's worse to have siblings, just that in my experience it certainly doesn't always go to plan and mean that you'd be any happier or any less alone dealing with parents etc...

OP posts:
Eyevorbig0ne · 10/04/2021 09:42

I'm not an only but my daughter is.
I just didn't want more. But I feel bad for her, as she's alone alot. Lockdowns have exacerbated this along with school closures. She's not a people person anyway even before lockdown.
But when I see relatives siblings playing, I do feel bad that she doesn't have that. Oh well, if it wasn't this guilt it'd be another.

Emeraldshamrock · 10/04/2021 09:44

Of course you can.
Though not everyone enjoys it some people feel isolated and excluded. My friend hated it especially when she had a bully on her tail.
She's an adult now with 4 DC. My first cousin was a happy only DC she had 4 DC also so her DC wouldn't be lonely.
Neither are overly confident people.
I am 1 of 5 it was fun.

AnnaMagnani · 10/04/2021 09:47

I'm an only and it's brilliant. WTF would I have wanted a sibling?

The only people who ever thought I needed a sibling were arsehole adults in my childhood who made horrid comments assuming I would be spoilt. What a horrid thing to say to a child! and invariably their children were far better off than I was as my parents didn't have 2 beans to rub together.

My DM was one of 5 and was NC with some of her siblings. DF one of 3 - had to be reminded to phone them.

Seen a lot of selfish kids and adults with siblings. Nothing to do with being an only child, it's how you bring them up.

FontyMcFontface · 10/04/2021 09:52

My DSC are similar in age (late primary/early secondary) and the last thing they'd want to do is actually play with each other

My dc are this age and they do loads together

AlexaShutUp · 10/04/2021 09:53

I have genuinely never heard anyone speak negatively of only children so I think there's some projection here.

It isn't projection. The stereotypes are everywhere and get thrown out very casually. There are some on this thread.

My teenage dd is very happy as an only child. She is not lonely because she has excellent social skills and lots of friends.

As for the burden of looking after elderly parents, having a sibling is no guarantee of help. I do everything for my parents, my dsis isn't able to help. It was the same for my mum who did everything despite being one of three.

RoseMartha · 10/04/2021 09:55

Sometimes as a child I used to wonder what it would have been like being an only child.

But we are close siblings, very in fact. Rely on one another.

And when caring for ill elderly parents we know we could not do it alone. In fact we are struggling to do it together because their needs are so great.

Original poster
GordonYaSelfishTwit · 10/04/2021 09:56

@Jabba2020

I hated being an only and still do as an adult. It also put a lot of pressure on us to ensure our firstborn had siblings as I cannot imagine having no aunts, uncles, cousins, any family at all, as an adult. I accept the reasoning that they may not get on with any of them but the thought of them being entirely alone filled me with dread.
I just don't get this 'entirely alone' stuff, I really don't. Plenty of only children go on to have partners/spouses, children of their own etc... Even if my husband did speak to his brother (he is NC) he wouldn't be entirely alone without him, he has a family, me and our children! I am an only child and I don't believe there is anyone I could be closer to than DH even if I did have a sibling I got on with. I am not 'entirely alone' Confused
OP posts:
Emeraldshamrock · 10/04/2021 09:56

My DD was an only DC till 6.5 she loved it and still begrudging wonders why we had number 2 he took all the attention from her and continuously does 6 years later. Sad

Original poster
GordonYaSelfishTwit · 10/04/2021 10:03

@FontyMcFontface

My DSC are similar in age (late primary/early secondary) and the last thing they'd want to do is actually play with each other

My dc are this age and they do loads together

That's great but my point was a sibling isn't an guarantee of any of the positives people like to suggest they are or any of the reasons they say being an only is a negative thing.

Having to help elderly parents alone? My Dad is having to do that now and he has 4 siblings. It's causing a lot of resentment actually knowing there are people who could help but aren't doing.

Having someone to share memories with, that you grew up with etc...? My husband is completely NC with his brother and doesn't want to share anything with him.

Children will be lonely, they need someone to play with? You'd have to pay my DSC to play together!

It's not a competition no and I don't believe one is better than the other but there only ever seems to be commonly use negative assumptions and guilt trips about one side. These example are just showing that the things people often use to say how awful being an only is often do not work out when siblings are involved either. It's not a guarantee of anything. None of those situations in my experience seem to be that rare either, lots of people on this thread alone seem to be NC with their siblings.

OP posts:
bookworm14 · 10/04/2021 10:10

Astonishing that some people are claiming they’ve never seen negative stereotypes about only children when there are some even on this thread. One poster claimed her DH is selfish because he’s an only. Perhaps it’s just his personality?

I think the negative comments about having siblings are only a defensive response to the constant negative stereotyping of onlies.

olderthanyouthink · 10/04/2021 10:16

I get that there's no guarantee that siblings will get on and be helpful but if you don't have them there is zero chance of that kind of help. You know like you can't win the lottery without a ticket?

I get that childhood might be fine/good/great (I never got un divided attention after ages 4) but you might need that help long before your parents are elderly, I'm 25 and my dad just died at 56, my mum is a needy mess and the stress is killing me, my extended family is being a nightmare and there's no one I can off load some of the work onto and no one to take some of the up to half a dozen calls a day I have been getting. Then again you might be lucky and your parents don't need any help and simultaneously die at a hundred leaving you with very close cousins...

Florin · 10/04/2021 10:24

Just because you are an only child doesn’t mean you will have to do things on your own. My dh is an only but we have been together since we were 15 and we do everything as a team when it comes to all our parents. For our care we plan to make plans so our son doesn’t have to take care of us in our old just visit if he would like.