I’m also in the same situation as your DC, although my half siblings are much younger. I spent most of my time at my mum’s and grew up as an only child. Now I know it’s not as simple as I’m closest to my mum and that’s because I’m an only, my dad and I had a difficult relationship, I didn’t see him much and I very much felt like an outsider to my dad’s family. Still do. However, I enjoy being an only. I enjoyed time alone growing up as child, I enjoyed playing by myself and I enjoyed my mum not having to choose between attention for me and my sibling after finishing work.
I know my mum would have liked more but I’m happy with it just the two of us. I like that I don’t have to share her or that my sibling doesn’t get preferential treatment. I was a bit oblivious to the benefits of being an only when I was younger, I just knew I was happy. Since meeting my DH and seeing his relationship with his brother, I’ve realised how lucky I am. My grandparents with my mum and aunt and my in-laws with DH and BIL have treated their children noticeably different. On my paternal side, my grandma is so determined to treat everyone equally that she is giving away more than she can afford and still feels she has to give us ‘petrol money’ because someone came over for lunch with her.
In my situation, my mum’s sister passed away a few years ago. Shortly after that my maternal grandma died. Both of these would talk to my mum at least every day and she was left caring for my grandad, who isn’t the most talkative. Being an only child, I felt the full force of my mum’s grief and attention for a little while. She was quite intense, about everything really. As it stands though, I live hundreds of miles away from my family. My mum is staying where she is to look after my grandad and then will probably move to me. I don’t have a sibling that has moved in the opposite direction and she has to work out who she wants to live by, or stay where she is.
I know I will be responsible for my mum’s care. But my mum is responsible for her dad’s care following the loss of her sister. DH and I will end up caring for in-laws. I really doubt that my BIL will step up and help. That’s more infuriating than being the only child to do it. Especially as in my mum’s case, the estate will come to me. I can decide if my mum needs care at the expense of her inheritance to me or if I want to do her care for myself. I can’t see BIL wanting to lose any inheritance but won’t be prepared to lift a finger to help with the care. I understand the argument of not wanting your child to go through the grief alone but my DH will not share the grief with his brother, I see there will be resentment building from my DH because he’ll have done everything and BIL will just expect a payout but at the funeral will be very visually bereaved. I’d be really surprised if the death of my in-laws brought my DH and his brother closer together.
We are planning on having an only. I think it’s the right choice for us. I think the downside is missing that close relationship between aunts/uncle and nieces/nephews. Growing up, I was really close to my aunt. I learnt how to do hair and makeup from her, her boyfriends had to have a car and a job so she could take me places at the weekend. I’m sad that neither DH or myself are close to our siblings (half siblings in my case) and our child will never have that. As the close aunt/uncle niece/nephew bond doesn’t happen in every family, I hope our child won’t realise that the bond exists and therefore it’s something to miss.