Page 3 | To think you can have a perfectly nice life as an only child?!

GordonYaSelfishTwit · 2021-04-10T05:06:30+00:00

Am I the only 'only" who actually really enjoyed their childhood and has never once felt hard done by because I don't have a sibling? I always see people talk about this as if it's really negative but I really liked being an only child (and I still do!). My child has half siblings on their dad's side but if not, he'd be an only too! And he will likely grow up like one in day to day life as his siblings are quite a bit older. I don't feel guilty for not 'giving him a sibling'.

sunshineandshowers40 · 10/04/2021 07:45

My DH is an 'only' and had a very happy childhood.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 10/04/2021 07:45

My DS who is nearly 40 is perfectly happy as an only child. I was an only child until 13 and it was fine.
My siblings have emigrated so I never see them anyway.

Wobblybobblyboo · 10/04/2021 07:46

I'm an only child. As a child, I sometimes was sad about it l, but I think that's just because children tend to want what other people have, or what they perceive to be 'normal' and basically I hardly encountered any other only children. I missed having a sibling at specific times (e.g. on holiday). On the other hand, it had consequences which I think were good for me - I read constantly and was (and still am) very independent and happy in my own company. I had to actively seek out company with others so I was pretty confident in making friends. I had lots of adult contact so I grew up relatively articulate. I had many many opportunities as a child which my parents probably wouldn't have been able to afford for multiple children (private school etc).

As I have aged, I actually have a very good relationship with my parents but it's much more all-encompassing than that of my DH who is one of 3 - all their hopes have always been on me for academic/ job success etc, grandchildren. We live nearer my parents and see them more often - I think if I ever moved they'd probably follow! The trade off is the incredible support from them which has continued into adulthood. None of this is really a product of being an only child per se but it is my experience.

Many of my friends have adult siblings that they are incredibly close to - there's no guarantee of this but when it happens it's obviously something very special, looking from the outside in. In lots of cases they had arguments efc as children I think but have basically grown into people with a relatively similar outlook on life and choose to spend time together. I have one child currently and would hope to have another so we can provide this opportunity. My DH however is perfectly cordial with both of his siblings (and has a good relationship with his parents) but they are not close - he is the one who has moved away from where everyone else in the family lives - so he'd be happy with an only child I think.

The only thing which annoys me really about being an only child is the lazy stereotyping - I am neither selfish, spoiled or antisocial!

Waxonwaxoff0 · 10/04/2021 07:46

@sunflowersandbuttercups

I have genuinely never heard anyone speak negatively of only children so I think there's some projection here.

No projection.

I've heard it all first hand. I love being an only but lots of people took it upon themselves to feel sorry for me anyway

Absolutely. The idea that anyone would "feel sorry" for me is weird, being an only child is hardly tantamount to abuse.

And you hear loads of negative things about only children on here. That they're needy, don't know how to share, no social skills. Ironic considering that so many people on MN hate socialising and want to stay at home never seeing other humans again.

Wobblybobblyboo · 10/04/2021 07:51

Also, my parents wouldn't expect me to look after them, but I would (not to be a full time carer, but live close and visit lots etc). But reading threads on here it seems like mostly it's not equal between siblings in this respect anyway - some live further away, want to help their parents less. Realistically my DH will always live hundreds of miles from his parents and will be of little day to day use if one of them were to need care.

RedMarauder · 10/04/2021 07:52

@Minimamame I've not seen any of my siblings face-to-face since the pandemic.

It's due to people in each others households being key workers who can't work at home (yes there have been work outbreaks but no-one has yet brought it home) , being vulnerable and/or a carer for another vulnerable person.

Jessicabrassica · 10/04/2021 07:52

I'm an only. I am quite good at entertaining myself. I struggle (especially post covid) with dealing with lots of people. My mum was an only. My dad was nc with his family. I was the only child in a family of old people. By the time I hit 40 pretty much everyone from my childhood was dead. Nobody else shared any of my experiences and that's isolating but weirdly makes me wonder if it happened and whether my past us just a story I've made up. I hate having no witnesses to the first 20years if my life.

I have 2 children. They frequently don't get on but I'm hopeful they might as adults.

ArtemisiaGentle · 10/04/2021 07:52

I am one of two. My brother was a PITA growing up. I was a PITA to him, I'm sure. Now we have irregular contact on SM and I do love him but we are not particularly close.

DH is NC with his brother.

We have one child and lots of things are easier/cheaper like holidays, childcare and general stuff that kids need. I am also a very lazy person and would not cope with the squabbles between siblings like I had with my brother.

The negatives sre she spends too much time with adults outside school. She has no cousins to hang out with (BiL has 2, but NC. Db has 2 but they live 80 miles away) and trying to organise meet-ups with friends turns into some logistical nightmare for some reason. I encourage her to brings friends home but she never does. Maybe we are too embarrassing!

RuthW · 10/04/2021 07:53

I am an only child and had a lovely childhood. Never wanted a sibling. I only have one child too, who is an adult. There are so many positives to being an only.

One is fun!

Soybean31 · 10/04/2021 07:54

@someoneiou

I absolutely hated, and still hate, being an only child.

My childhood was happy and I'm an extroverted adult, but there were times of loneliness and sadness being an only, especially in my teens, my relationship with my mother was intense - she put a lot of pressure on me.

I genuinely feel sorry for other only children, but that's through my lives experience.

I completely understand your comment and I'm really sorry you feel this way.

My Dad is the one who puts pressure on, but she plays the emotional guilt trip games. I can't remember a time in my life where I haven't second guessed conversations with them, as to what the right thing is to say.
Wow, reading this back I can see how odd it all seems!

Soybean31 · 10/04/2021 07:55

@sunflowersandbuttercups @Waxonwaxoff0
that's interesting that you both have the opposite experience of me, it's good to know it's not all only children who feel the way I do.

Lostinthewilderness · 10/04/2021 07:57

Thanks for this thread Op. I have a DD who is an only for various reasons, the main one being I simply don’t want another child.
I spend a lot of time feeling guilty though so it’s nice to hear positives.

I have 2 siblings myself and we have never been close. Opportunities growing up were limited as my parents’ time & money was limited - for example on holidays we always had to do something to accommodate everyone so none of us ever got to try the activities we really wanted to.
I suppose I played with my siblings as a small child but beyond age 9/10 my life was focussed around my friends. As an adult I have very very little to do with my siblings.

poppycat10 · 10/04/2021 07:58

I'm an only child and have an only child.

Sometimes I wish I had a sibling with a couple of nice kids and we could meet up so I could post on Instagram how #blessed I am to have the #famalam, but I think I can live without that.

DH is one of four but he doesn't see his siblings very much, they don't have much in common.

No disputes about inheritance either.

I am not sure why people get so funny about only children. If you're not one, you have no idea what it's like. And if you are one and don't like it, you can't have a go at your parents for either not being able to have a second child or not wanting one. I didn't want to put my body through a second pregnancy and that is my choice alone.

InTheNightWeWillWish · 10/04/2021 07:58

I have genuinely never heard anyone speak negatively of only children so I think there's some projection here.

You’ve never heard when someone is being selfish, that someone mutters ‘bet they’re an only child’ or ‘typical only child’? You’ve never heard someone pressure the parents of an only child to have more children because ‘you don’t want them to be selfish’? It’s not a projection but you might just be blind to the stigma that only children face. Only children are often seen and as spoilt brats that are selfish, unable to work with others and unable to see anyone else’s point of view. My mum was questioned so much about why she was doing things because she was ‘spoiling’ me. Things like taking me to the museum or little days out and being allowed £2 to spend in the gift shop after. In later life, when you are capable of working with other people, people are then surprised you’re an only child. Just because you aren’t noticing it, it doesn’t mean those negative views of only children aren’t there.

The most selfish person I know is my DH’s brother.

ivfbeenbusy · 10/04/2021 08:01

Soooo many of these only child threads at the moment

I'm not an only child and whilst I'm not hugely close geographically or emotionally to my sister it's nice knowing she's there and my chins REM have a wonderful real with her and their cousins - i have someone with whom I have a shared history

My DH is an only child. He would say it never bothered him. I would say it has hugely impacted on the sort of person he is......appreciate not all only children grow up to be a bit selfish and inconsiderate (although I'm sure their parents would never want to admit it) but him not having a sibling i definitely think made him who he is

People think it's only about not giving someone a sibling - it's not just that - it means your children have no aunts or uncles or cousins or second cousins - relationships and family connections which are also important

QueenofLouisiana · 10/04/2021 08:03

I’m an only, DS is an only. Both have happily gone off and made friends while also being happy with our own company (in a way that DH- one of two- doesn’t seem to do).

Although there are step-siblings for me (I was 20 when our parents married, they are older than me), I do all the care for our parents. So this tells me that siblings doesn’t seem to mean sharing the burden of older parents.

KarmaNoMore · 10/04/2021 08:04

Being an only doesn’t mean being lonely.

My son is an only and so are most of his friends. The ones who aren’t have such a big difference of age with their siblings that they could be counted as onlies too. These are different times, having a lot of siblings is uncommon and kids relate in different ways to how we did when we were kids.

CateTown · 10/04/2021 08:04

Of course you can have a lovely life as an only. Likewise you can have a lovely life with sibling/s. So much depends on the parents.

Superstardjs · 10/04/2021 08:06

A lot of these threads at the moment...
I have a sibling who I despise. We were very close in age which I absolutely hated, I think it is an awful thing to do, to have children so close together. He went on to become a vile person, with chronic MH issues and he is a total drain on my emotions. My child is an only - I think having a sibling you can't stand will make you reluctant to put another person in the same position. Plus, I'm a good mum to one, I wouldn't be to two. My child is very happy and has a lovely life, if she had a sibling it would be very different, not least because having had one I realised I am not remotely cut out for parenting and one was all I wanted.

Bagelsandbrie · 10/04/2021 08:07

I am an only and loved being an only. In fact I distinctly remember my Mum suggesting she might have another baby when I was about 5 and it feeling like it was the absolute end of the world. For various reasons it never happened (not because of me I might add!) I loved being alone and played imaginary games all day and actually chose to play by myself a lot at school. The only downside perhaps is that as an adult now aged 40 I realise I don’t really understand other people very well. I am not good at making friends or keeping them. And I’m not that bothered about it really but it’s just something I’m aware of. I don’t understand social rules and can’t stand any arguing as it’s never something I had to do with anyone growing up.

Bananacocks · 10/04/2021 08:08

I am an only child, I had a great childhood and never remember wanting a sibling particularly. But now I would love to have a sibling, my parents are aging and dealing with dementia as an only is fucking miserable, I would love to have someone else to share the load with. And someone who remembers my childhood with me.

I love watching my childrens relationships together but I guess I don't always fully understand it and sometimes feel a little jealous if I'm honest.

Bluntness100 · 10/04/2021 08:09

My daughter is an only ans I really can’t understand the mindset people have about giving a child a sibling. Many siblings don’t get on, they certainly don’t hang around together growing up and often prefer their own individual friendship circles.

My brother is three years younger than me. We certainly didn’t share mates growing up or socialise together, neither did any of my friends and their siblings, they spent their time with their friendship circles.

My daughter had and has a friendship circle. I certainly didn’t need to habe another child so she could hang out with them growing up, I honestly find the idea mind boggling.

Bagelsandbrie · 10/04/2021 08:10

@Bananacocks

I am an only child, I had a great childhood and never remember wanting a sibling particularly. But now I would love to have a sibling, my parents are aging and dealing with dementia as an only is fucking miserable, I would love to have someone else to share the load with. And someone who remembers my childhood with me.

I love watching my childrens relationships together but I guess I don't always fully understand it and sometimes feel a little jealous if I'm honest.

Yes it is hard when you get older and have no one to share the burden of caring for an ageing / ill parent with. I did feel that when my mum died of cancer in 2019 but then even having siblings is no guarantee they’d help or be there for support anyway. Dh is one of 4 and doesn’t speak to any of his at all.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 10/04/2021 08:12

@ivfbeenbusy

Soooo many of these only child threads at the moment

I'm not an only child and whilst I'm not hugely close geographically or emotionally to my sister it's nice knowing she's there and my chins REM have a wonderful real with her and their cousins - i have someone with whom I have a shared history

My DH is an only child. He would say it never bothered him. I would say it has hugely impacted on the sort of person he is......appreciate not all only children grow up to be a bit selfish and inconsiderate (although I'm sure their parents would never want to admit it) but him not having a sibling i definitely think made him who he is

People think it's only about not giving someone a sibling - it's not just that - it means your children have no aunts or uncles or cousins or second cousins - relationships and family connections which are also important

They only have no cousins/aunts/uncles if both parents are only children too. I'm an only child and have cousins because my mum has a brother and a sister. My DS is an only child and has cousins, because his dad has a brother. So that's not really true.

Sooverthis1 · 10/04/2021 08:13

@InTheNightWeWillWish I genuinely haven't, really. Also I find it interesting when ppl on here have commented on being an only or having an only child they have to make negative assumptions about those with more than one. In almost every post there's been a subtle negative reference to those with siblings, that is definitely projection.
Both are/can be wonderful! It's not a competition and as long as your children are well loved and cared for thats all that matters.