How long should we contribute to adult child?

[cantthinkofauniquename]

Said child is 23. Back story is that for a number of reasons, we did not contribute financially for the first 2 years of university. We did for the last year. In a couple of months, we will have been paying an amount monthly for 2 years. Trying to decide when is the right time to stop. Child had a job before graduation. They're doing well and we're proud of them.

We can afford to keep paying but it is a stretch. It would make a large difference to our own household budget if we stopped. We have 2 younger children.

YANBU - Keep paying for another year as she should have had 3 years support.

YABU - Paying for a year after a degree is enough.

I may have misunderstood, but she has a job?

It's entirely up to you.

Opinions on this differ hugely.

My own view is I'd do it if I could afford it. Can you reduce? It's not all or nothing.

Coming out of uni with a stack of debt is the way now but not good.

She looked after herself for 2 years at uni, can't you manage the final year?

Jobs are like hens teeth now for the things that were open to students.

It also depends on the subject. Mine was full time lectures/ lab work I only had weds afternoon off. Some friends had 2 or 3 hours of lectures a week. That's a big difference.

Cannot work out if it is one or two children...your post is confusing!

Do they need the money? If not then I would stop paying?

Oh sorry I misread.

Where does she live?
Is she working?

So it's a grow adult..with a job..who's graduated with a degree? Why have you to support them?
And what's the 3 year thing ?

Some of it depends on why you weren't contributing when she was at university and what happened.

Couldn't be arsed and she got into debt? Contribute.

You were struggling and she was fine? Don't.

Why are you paying for a year after degree? Like an allowance?

Surely the answer to this is can the adult child afford to support themselves and if not why not and then work out how to change that so they can .

Sorry I guess it made sense when I wrote it. 3 children total. Two are younger but uni is looming for one of them. The oldest, we'd planned to continue to pay a monthly amount for the duration of the degree (3 years) but for various reasons didn't actually for 2 years. We contributed for the last year of the degree and last year (so 2019 and 2020). We have now been sending the monthly amount for 2 years. So do we carry on for 1 more year (thus having contributed for 3 years in total - the length of a dregree) or stop?

The reasons for not contributing were a change in circumstance and other issues that would be outing so I don't really want to go into them.

Yes there are student debts but nothing out of the ordinary.

We can keep paying and we're making ends meet. It would just really help the family finances more if we stopped. They are in a good, secure job related to the degree and have just purchased their first home.

There's just a nagging issue in the back of our minds, a degree is 3 years so we should pay for 3 years.

It's up to you. If she is working you don't have an obligation to support her though most parents help out. It depends what you can afford.

You feel guilty because you were unable to give financial support earlier on but I doubt that was your fault and she must realise that.

Perhaps have a chat to your daughter about this, explain how you feel and outline your circumstances. She will probably be quite happy for you to stop financial support as long as she can ask you for a few quid here and there when she needs it.

Stop if she is working now unless she is utterly reliant on your support but yell her there is a limit on what you can do & you'll need to stop soon as you've another about to start Uni...you'll need those funds.

Our eldest worked throughout uni , my family paid his fees and he lived at home ( has issues so moving away wasn’t an option) , we haven’t actually funded him with actual money since he left school

*tell her...

If she's making enough to afford her own home, she can pay. You have two other children to provide for and she's an adult now.

What am I missing here ?? She works and bought a home...why are you saying you still need to contribute??

Stop contributing for her but put the money for the final year in a savings account. If she decides to continue with further education like an Ma or additional training, you have funds. I understand that you want to contribute equally for each of your children. Saving for further studies might be a fairer way of doing it so she doesn't blow the money on rubbish.

@Notimeforaname

What am I missing here ?? She works and bought a home...why are you saying you still need to contribute??

I guess jessstan2 is spot on when she said guilt tbh.

It's probably not hard to guess, she's a DSD. Dynamics are good right now but they haven't always been and us not paying was not understood (didn't go down well) at the time.

And this really isn't one parent thinking we should pay and one thinking we should stop. We're genuinely both torn between guilt (not paying for 2 years) and thinking this monthly money would really ease things up for a while before DC2 heads off to uni in the not-too-distant future.

@LadyDangerfield

Stop contributing for her but put the money for the final year in a savings account. If she decides to continue with further education like an Ma or additional training, you have funds. I understand that you want to contribute equally for each of your children. Saving for further studies might be a fairer way of doing it so she doesn't blow the money on rubbish.

Sorry, in trying to be vague, I've really not been clear. She graduated almost a year ago.

You shouldn’t have to stretch your household budget to pay money to someone working and that has bought their own home. We don’t owe our children 3yrs of uni support if we can’t afford it

So the next child going to uni will get 3 years of financial support but so far the first child has only had 2 years? If that’s right, then I would make it fair by giving the first child another years worth of support. Presumably the first child will have more debt or had to work more than the next child will? I’d want to keep things fair.

If she has a job and a house then why would you continue paying? She doesn't need it. It's not a given that adult children get allowances at uni. I never did, I had to work!

I think the DSD information should have been in your original post. Massively changes the dynamic.

You let her down when she needed you. Now you want to weasel out of making it right.

Disgusting.

I wouldn’t expect much in the way of help from her in your old age if you continue like this.

But then I guess you are thinking that you’ve got two kids of your own to fall back on, and any distance that ensues with your DSD will be further excuse to push her further and further out of your lives. Those are the type of “circumstances” that just arise from time to time that warrant concentrating on other things, just like the “circumstances” basil hat arose during her first t o years of study.

After all, she’s doing so well for herself that she doesn’t need your help and your children do.

Reprehensible. Manipulative and dishonest behaviour.

I can understand how she must have felt, even if you did have good reason not to help her initially, that probably felt pretty harsh. I think you need to treat them all as equals so if she only gets 2 years help that's what the others should get too. Maybe you don't 'owe' it as such, but I could understand her feeling quite hurt otherwise.

I would help for another year. I think most people would feel resentful that they weren't helped through uni but their siblings were. Especially considering it's not because you can't help her, but because you want the money go to the kids who will be helped through uni.