How long should we contribute to adult child?

[cantthinkofauniquename]

Said child is 23. Back story is that for a number of reasons, we did not contribute financially for the first 2 years of university. We did for the last year. In a couple of months, we will have been paying an amount monthly for 2 years. Trying to decide when is the right time to stop. Child had a job before graduation. They're doing well and we're proud of them.

We can afford to keep paying but it is a stretch. It would make a large difference to our own household budget if we stopped. We have 2 younger children.

YANBU - Keep paying for another year as she should have had 3 years support.

YABU - Paying for a year after a degree is enough.

And short of a time machine @TableFlowerss, how would @MojoJojo71 fix that?

I haven't rtft. If your income meant she couldn't borrow the full loan then I think you should have paid (or should recompense). However it might not have been based on your income. You should make it equitable between all your husbands children. But let her know so it's not a shock.

I came from a very poor family. When my brother went to university it was when there were full grants and full tuition fees paid, and he got benefits to live on in the summer. My parents also gave him £1000. This was a huge sum of money for them. Its the most they have ever spent on anything. When I went to university a few years later grants were being phased out and no benefits in the summer. I left with some debt. My parents gave me nothing. Not so much as a tin of beans. I understood they could not afford it. My brother will also inherit the house (not that it is worth much) and I will get nothing. There are very specific reasons around this which I understand and agree with. It would help me enormously to have some of this inheritance but I agree that it is best to go to my brother given his very particular situation.

Your children don't have an entitlement to exactly the same treatment if the family circumstances are different at different times of their lives. Understanding that is part of becoming an adult. I do not think you are doing her any favours whilst giving her this money that she does not need. To be honest, I do not think that is a good attitude/ psychology that you are encouraging in her by doing this. If I were her I would be ashamed to be accepting money from you whilst I had a good job and could afford to buy a house. The, 'its MY money, I am entitled to it' attitude is quite unpleasant in this circumstance.

@HaveringWavering

And short of a time machine *@TableFlowerss, how would @MojoJojo71* fix that?

Errmmmm wel let me think..... not send the second to an independent school perhaps!!!

That’s a significant difference in education. People don’t pay £15k *per year for fun. More often than not it leads to a better paid job etc.... If the other DC is fine then that’s not a problem but if the younger one goes on to get As at A-level and a 100k salary and live that lifestyle then it’s not wrong to assume there could be done resentment in the future.....

You don't need to support an adult through uni. 🙄 And we wonder why we have a generation of infant-adults.

She has a job, she owns her own home, you have other children you need to support.

@TableFlowerss the oldest DC got 4A*s at A level, a first class honours degree and is currently writing up for his masters. He got the best education he could get under the circumstances. I supported him to the best of my abilities and thankfully, unlike you, he understands that parental support is not all about money.

@TableFlowerss no as DSis was a 17yo single mum who relied on charity shops for toys etc whereas now years later she's much more well off and her 7yo gets a lot more than her youngest did.

Fair according to MN would mean getting him nothing but because she's not a massive weirdo she doesn't tend to follow that rule 🤣

[quote MojoJojo71]**@TableFlowerss* the oldest DC got 4As at A level, a first class honours degree and is currently writing up for his masters. He got the best education he could get under the circumstances. I supported him to the best of my abilities and thankfully, unlike you, he understands that parental support is not all about money.[/quote]
Well that’s different then, as I pointed out in my post earlier!

Had he got all E, F’s would you still have sent your younger dc to private school?

I quite agree parental support is not all about money but you’re the one that clearly thinks money is important regarding the education of your younger one....

[quote JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]@TableFlowerss no as DSis was a 17yo single mum who relied on charity shops for toys etc whereas now years later she's much more well off and her 7yo gets a lot more than her youngest did.

Fair according to MN would mean getting him nothing but because she's not a massive weirdo she doesn't tend to follow that rule 🤣[/quote]
If course nothing can be totally fair and it is what it is. So some got more expensive toys, that’s ok as the older one probably spent more time outside and had adventures with friends - they’ll probably both have great memories as kids

When I graduated I started paying rent to my parents . I never received any allowance from them during uni and worked during the holidays /weekends to support travel etc. Yes they would pay things like my phone, food and insurance on one of their cars so did support in other ways. There is no duty to you to do this . Yes it was nice you could during uni but you say your child has a full time job and owns a house. They are self sufficient and shouldn't need you to still give them an allowance.

Christ do all of you screaming 'unfair' keep spreadsheets to ensure you don't spend a penny more on one kid than the other? Sounds exhausting!

Different children will have different needs at different times. What if one excels at a particular expensive hobby that the other has no interest in? What if one goes to Uni and the other does a paid apprenticeship? What if (god forbid) one had a disability that cost a lot of money to adapt to and another didn't? Likewise their parents will have times when they're flush and times when things are a struggle.

Giving money to a grown woman with a good job and a home is ridiculous, particularly when she also received support from her Mum throughout. I don't know how she has the brass neck to take it.

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

Can those who think that everything must be fair tell me what you do with children who have big age gaps?

My sister's oldest is 23, youngest is 7. Every time the 7yo gets taken on holiday, or bought a £200 trampoline, or she pays £150 per term for his activity, should she be sending her 23yo the equivalent? Genuine question

Did the 23 year old get trampolines and holidays and activities (or whatever) when she was a young child? If so, then there won't be any resentment. If not, why not?

If the family's financial situation has changed dramatically in that time then I would consider giving a lump sum to the older one to help with whatever she needs now.

I can't understand why you are contributing to a grown adult when you can't really afford it.
I told my children they were 'child' until they were 18 as I was collecting child benefit for them. After that they were adults. I didn't expect them to pay my credit card and I wasn't going to pay theirs....meaning as adults we all pay for ourselves. If they went to University I would continue to pay the necessary maintenance as they were still in education but not otherwise, they had to get a job and pay their rent like any adult would.

One chose to go to University, one chose not to. I wouldn't have paid if the one at University had only done 2 years, once education stops, so does the paying out. Jobs are difficult to come by these days but there are jobs out there...if money is tough and your dream job doesn't exist yet, take something in-between, there are lots of care home and cleaning jobs to be done even in the present time.

I also expected mine to leave home, I didn't have the funds to keep them there. However, if the young person is truly struggling, my contribution would have been a temporary rent-free stay at home on condition I would expect a share in housework and cooking, and doing some sort of voluntary work to get some experience, at the same time as looking for work. These days it sounds harsh but it was normal in my day, and I feel it teaches independence and responsibility.

Had he got all E, F’s would you still have sent your younger dc to private school?

If I had had a child who had failed badly in state education, of course I would do things differently for the next one! What is there to be gained by disadvantaging two children in the name of fairness?!

Surely you realise that most parents have the benefit of experience when it comes to a subsequent child and may use that experience to do things differently?

If you plan to financially support your bio children for the full 3 years then it’s only fair to also support your SC for 3 full years. The first 2 years of her degree were no doubt a nightmare.

I hate to say it but when I read things like ‘we didn’t support her due to change in circumstances’ I can’t help but suspect things would have been different had it been one of your bio children

I don’t mean that in a nasty way, I just see a lot of situations where step parents (generally step mums) feel pretty justified in their ‘we just aren’t in a position to help financially’ assessment toward their SC and that’s it, no payments made. It’s much more clinical and clean cut. Whereas most bio mums will live on baked beans, pay the mortgage late and sell the family car if it means their kids not going without.

DH and I would go to extreme lengths to our own detriment to provide for our two xx

You've been very generous, they are an adult now and have a job.

Did the 23 year old get trampolines and holidays and activities (or whatever) when she was a young child? If so, then there won't be any resentment. If not, why not?

No because my sister was a teenage single mum and used to get by on beans. She had to budget carefully to afford nappies.

If the family's financial situation has changed dramatically in that time then I would consider giving a lump sum to the older one to help with whatever she needs now.

I really do think that's absolutely ridiculous. An independent and financially comfortable 23yo being compensated in adult life because she didn't get trampolines? Luckily DNiece is lovely and just pleased she had a mother who loved her enough to buy nappies before anything else. Some of these adult children sound like right money grabbers and will probably be the kind to only sniff around their parents when they think there's a chance of a decent inheritance - especially when they've been raised to think copious amounts of money are a god given right

THinking about it in terms of years as an arbitrary means of support I dont think is helpful. Your DSD has got a job and a house - I would talk to her about how proud you are but that you will be reducing down payments over the next six months before stopping to enable her to budget but that if she ever needs anything you are there.

Because say after 3 years at Uni your next child struggles to get a job are you going to cut them off?

Fair does not mean equal.

Honestly, I’m reading this scratching my head!

I can’t believe people think like this. It’s sad really.

You help when you can and when it’s needed. Sometimes some children get more due to circumstances and others get less. That’s just life and an adult with a job and a mortgage should be old enough to not take your money as it’s no longer ‘needed’.

Just doing things like this to ‘be fair’ shows how family dynamics aren’t based on love and support but on penny counting. It’s sad.

Thing is life isn’t fair! I learned that very early and it wasn’t a bad lesson to learn. There are inequalities everywhere. As long as you do the best you can you can’t be expected to try and even things up constantly.

How about if DSC ends up having a fantastic well paying career and OP’s bio children don’t? Does that mean it would be fair to give them less in the will to make it more fair on the bio children as adults?

@MeanderingGently this is the experience I understood too. My parents very much told us to fund our own way through Uni and learn how to budget with what you make. I remember a few times then sending cheques (before internet banking) when I would be short on money for a food shop, but that's very different to an allowance!

Not read full thread but I’m baffled why anybody’s parents would have to help them financially? That’s what student loans etc are for surely? I know years ago if an adult ‘child’ lived with their parents then they could still get as much financial help but it would be loan based as oppose to grant based. So those from poor led backgrounds wouldn’t need to pay as much. It was basically grants that were means tested, loans weren’t. Have they changed the rules or something? Are loans now means tested?*

The student loans don't even cover the cost of the rent in halls. The student loans are means tested based on parents income.

When my first went to uni 3yrs ago we were both working full time. His maintenance loan based on our income was around 5k and his rent in halls was 6.5k so we had to pay the difference and top up his part time job income in order to make sure he had enough.

When DS2 started 2yrs ago we had little income so the maintenance loans went up to around 8k, rent in shared houses is around 4k so they have enough from that and part time jobs to support themselves with a few treats thrown in from us when we can.

I don't feel the need to give DS2 an extra 1.5k because we had to top up his brother. Available income does not stay the same and they both understand that. Nor do I feel any guilt because our circumstances changed during that time.

You are a stepmum, she is a step child. You must contribute for the rest of her life. You will damage her if you do not. What an evil stepmum you are. Shame on you

Or the more grown up and balanced view would be, that children require different things, some may need money to be supported while studying, some may not, some may be at home longer. It does not have to be equal. If your children are counting up their share, you have done something wrong.

Only on MN must you go on supporting a working adult with their own home, if they are a stepchild.

They are in a good, secure job related to the degree and have just purchased their first home.

This sounds like the adult child is financially secure and so no longer needs support. I’d give them fair warning (maybe three months) and then stop.

Whereas most bio mums will live on baked beans, pay the mortgage late and sell the family car if it means their kids not going without.

But the step kids usually still have a bio Mum!