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AIBU?

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Original poster

How long should we contribute to adult child?

296 replies

cantthinkofauniquename · 10/04/2021 01:01

Said child is 23. Back story is that for a number of reasons, we did not contribute financially for the first 2 years of university. We did for the last year. In a couple of months, we will have been paying an amount monthly for 2 years. Trying to decide when is the right time to stop. Child had a job before graduation. They're doing well and we're proud of them.

We can afford to keep paying but it is a stretch. It would make a large difference to our own household budget if we stopped. We have 2 younger children.

YANBU - Keep paying for another year as she should have had 3 years support.

YABU - Paying for a year after a degree is enough.

OP posts:
JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 10/04/2021 08:28

@Stichintime

Youngest of 4. Parents helped older two with uni, funding business, etc. Myself and other sibling got nothing. The differences between us and the hurt doesn't go away. In our family its a big unmentionable. We all have the same parents by the way.
Not the same as the OP as no child is getting nothing
beingsunny · 10/04/2021 08:29

Surely if you really believe this must be equal, DSD dad is paying half of what your shared children receive?

So if you give your a £200 a month, as her mother contributed, dad is only responsible for half too so DSD would receive £100 a month from you?

This may be what you have been doing, however I think it creates an unusual attitude to money to continue paying.

I'm the oldest and the only one who went to uni, my parents didn't have any spare to support me to I studies full time and worked and took loans.

My sisters didn't go but the middle one lived at home until 26, rent free whereas I left home at 18 and rented in a shared house without their contribution. My youngest had a child young, she had had heaps of financial support from my parents, there's no resentment, no it's not fair why didnt I get the same, my parents supported each of us as best they could when they could. They were a lot wealthier by the time I was mid 20s and had already become independent and there was no expectation on either side that they should even things out financially.

Iwonder08 · 10/04/2021 08:29

OP, I would question why a grown educated woman, who has a a degree and a house would even consider taking monthly support payments from his parents. She doesn't sound very nice to me. Parking that aside you know that the only reason why she is receiving money is the fact she is step daughter, I. E. it is just guilt.
You have to consider other children who are still children and yourself. Give her 2 month notice and stop

C8H10N4O2 · 10/04/2021 08:31

@IncorrigibleTitmouse

I find this 100% fair and equal thing a bit bonkers personally.

I’m an eldest child of four. I got less monetarily and in terms of opportunities for things like extra curriculars etc owing to the fact my parents had less money when I was at certain ages because they were at earlier stages of their own careers. Surely it’s natural for parents to become more well off as their children grow up. The younger ones will always benefit more from changes in financial situation. Someone has to be born first!

They were unable to support me or sibling two financially through uni, but they could for siblings three and four because their mortgage was gone by then. I think it’s quite unreasonable to expect parents to provide things they are unable to at the time due to circumstances because ‘it’s got to be equal’. That’s not how the world works!

Couldn't agree more. This obsessive bean counting to make sure that each chlid gets exactly the same irrespective of need or affordability is just weird.

In this case, as so often, the precise bean counting isn't even equal. The DSD has had two years support from her mother so she would end up with five yrs funding, two of which were in addition to a good job enabling her to buy a house at 22.

Time to prioritise the younger children if circumstances are tight.

marchishere · 10/04/2021 08:31

I think the children's father should provide the same level of financial support for all his children, otherwise it must look very like favouritism to the child who is treated differently.

I don't think I'd see it as financing university so much as just providing an overall level of financial contribution - so the timing of it doesn't really matter, it's the same contribution in the end.

It's also surely irrelevant what support the children's other parents provide/have provided , that's a different issue.

Treating the children differently is surely likely to cause problems for all the different relationships going forward.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 10/04/2021 08:32

I would pay the missing year (but probably as a lump sum with an apology for the situation.)

Have I stumbled into a parallel universe?

Someone should give their financially comfortable adult children money AND an apology...for being a stepchild 😂😂

DonLewis · 10/04/2021 08:33

Gosh, what a tricky situation.

I think I'm in the dh has 3 kids camp and all should be treated equally.

But, that said, she's earning now, so could you start tapering down the amount you give her. It may help her budget because when the third year is up and you stop paying anything it might be a bit of a shock?

The last thing you want though, is any simmering resentment' from her or you and her dad.

Can you talk to her?

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 10/04/2021 08:35

@IncorrigibleTitmouse

I find this 100% fair and equal thing a bit bonkers personally.

I’m an eldest child of four. I got less monetarily and in terms of opportunities for things like extra curriculars etc owing to the fact my parents had less money when I was at certain ages because they were at earlier stages of their own careers. Surely it’s natural for parents to become more well off as their children grow up. The younger ones will always benefit more from changes in financial situation. Someone has to be born first!

They were unable to support me or sibling two financially through uni, but they could for siblings three and four because their mortgage was gone by then. I think it’s quite unreasonable to expect parents to provide things they are unable to at the time due to circumstances because ‘it’s got to be equal’. That’s not how the world works!

I completely agree.

All my sibling's have had stacks more money than me from our parents because through Uni I had 3 jobs, was financially wise and then got a decent paid job straight from Uni. Maybe I should call my mum this morning and stomp my feet that it wasn't fair and she needs to give me £10,000 today lest she be DISGUSTING 😂😂 she'd tell me to fuck off and stop being a weirdo. Never occurred to me that it was unfair, it's what you do for what your children need at the time.

TableFlowerss · 10/04/2021 08:36

Not read full thread but I’m baffled why anybody’s parents would have to help them financially? That’s what student loans etc are for surely?

I know years ago if an adult ‘child’ lived with their parents then they could still get as much financial help but it would be loan based as oppose to grant based. So those from poor led backgrounds wouldn’t need to pay as much. It was basically grants that were means tested, loans weren’t.

Have they changed the rules or something? Are loans now means tested?

When I was at uni I didn’t get a penny from my parents, I had to get a job. Mind, I had moved out and lived with my bf

autumnboys · 10/04/2021 08:36

What if your children don’t want to go to University? Children are all different, with different aims and ambitions. Or what if one goes to Uni but lives at home? There are so many variables, how do you make it equal for them all.

That said, my in laws have noted a lot of stuff in their wills. All three of their children have been helped out from time to time (when DH lost his job, very unexpectedly, they paid off our car loan and for the fitted wardrobes we had just ordered) and they didn’t want paying back. Would this be a possibility to keep the peace?

TeachesOfPeaches · 10/04/2021 08:38

How much are you giving her OP?

Palaver1 · 10/04/2021 08:39

ILikeTheWineNotTheLabel
Thats a bit harsh

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 10/04/2021 08:41

@TableFlowerss read the full thread, it's funny, people saying that OP is disgusting and reprehensible for only funding one year of Uni, another saying they should be giving the 23yo and lump sum with an APOLOGY for not doing better😂😂

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 10/04/2021 08:42

This should go in classics for @ILikeTheWineNotTheLabel post alone. It's the most MN post I think I've ever read

TableFlowerss · 10/04/2021 08:42

@Floralnomad

Our eldest worked throughout uni , my family paid his fees and he lived at home ( has issues so moving away wasn’t an option) , we haven’t actually funded him with actual money since he left school
But that’s a bit of a pointless thing to share because you might not have laud his fees but your family did... so he’s had about £30k and doesn’t have to pay that back.. so of course you shouldn’t feel obliged to give him an allowance!
MojoJojo71 · 10/04/2021 08:44

I think it’s barmy to be sending an allowance to an adult who is working and owns their own home. Treating children fairly and equally does not necessarily mean you give them all exactly the same, just that you do your best for them under the circumstances at the time.

For example my eldest child went to a state school and my youngest is at an independent school because my financial circumstances have changed. This doesn’t mean I owe my oldest the equivalent of 13 years of school fees!

TableFlowerss · 10/04/2021 08:46

[quote JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]@TableFlowerss read the full thread, it's funny, people saying that OP is disgusting and reprehensible for only funding one year of Uni, another saying they should be giving the 23yo and lump sum with an APOLOGY for not doing better😂😂
[/quote]
😮😮😮 you kidding? Ehh that’s mental! My parents never even considered giving me a £5 towards my uni costs. They just wanted to spend Freyr money of cigarettes and the latest gadgets.

justanotherneighinparadise · 10/04/2021 08:46

This for me would depend on lots of factors

  1. what your DSD thinks and what her mother thinks, ie do both of them think you should pay her money for another year?
  2. what does her Dad think? Does he feel you should continue to contribute and is it you dragging your heels?
  3. whether you can afford it or whether you continuing to give money to your independent DSD who is now in a well paying job is taking food out of the mouths of your other children?

I don’t think it’s a yes or no answer and only you know the nuance of the situation. I see a hell of a lot of entitlement, guilt and emotional blackmail associated with blended families on this forum. Some of these step children are certainly manipulating the situation in many cases often alongside the resident parent. If I were the NRP I’m sure the guilt would also be pulling me in all directions but I’m not sure it’s doing these kids any food in the long run. Many of them are equating money to love. If you don’t pay, you don’t care. It worries me. This pattern of behaviour could really end up fucking up her future relationships.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 10/04/2021 08:47

Can those who think that everything must be fair tell me what you do with children who have big age gaps?

My sister's oldest is 23, youngest is 7. Every time the 7yo gets taken on holiday, or bought a £200 trampoline, or she pays £150 per term for his activity, should she be sending her 23yo the equivalent? Genuine question

AliMonkey · 10/04/2021 08:47

Fairness in my mind would be her getting same total amount as your DC including from her DM. Otherwise if taken to extreme then all children with separated parents would get twice as much as those whose parents are still together. So stop paying.

Even if she wasn’t a DSC so that didn’t apply then she is old enough to understand if you are struggling to afford it.

So just sit her down, explain that next month’s payment will be the last because it’s a struggle to afford it. If I was her at that point, I would be horrified that you hadn’t told me before and probably offer to repay some.

I should probably own up though to the fact that I am in my 40s and still get annual payments from DM (as do my children) but that is purely for inheritance tax planning and I have never spent any of it!

champions55 · 10/04/2021 08:48

They've got a job that earns enough where they were able to get a mortgage. Stop sending the money I doubt they need it.

Different when they were in uni. I get why your thinking the balance will be unfair compared to the other kids but you couldn't control the situation that didn't allow u to send money every month. If you can afford it I would probably give them balance as a lump sum to help furnish the house etc.

TableFlowerss · 10/04/2021 08:49

@MojoJojo71

I think it’s barmy to be sending an allowance to an adult who is working and owns their own home. Treating children fairly and equally does not necessarily mean you give them all exactly the same, just that you do your best for them under the circumstances at the time.

For example my eldest child went to a state school and my youngest is at an independent school because my financial circumstances have changed. This doesn’t mean I owe my oldest the equivalent of 13 years of school fees!

Oooft got to be honest though, as you shared the info, I don’t think that’s fair as one is getting a better education and if that leads to a more successful/better paid career, your oldest DC might start resenting that.
JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 10/04/2021 08:49

Not to mention, because my sister was 17 when she had her first she was only 35 when she left for Uni and couldn't afford to give pocket money as she was a single mum with 2 younger children. She now runs a successful business and so in 11 years time when her youngest goes to Uni, should she not pay because 16 years earlier she couldn't pay for her eldest to go?

TableFlowerss · 10/04/2021 08:50

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

Can those who think that everything must be fair tell me what you do with children who have big age gaps?

My sister's oldest is 23, youngest is 7. Every time the 7yo gets taken on holiday, or bought a £200 trampoline, or she pays £150 per term for his activity, should she be sending her 23yo the equivalent? Genuine question

Well surely they 23 year old had all the tots of the day back then so they’ve the equivalent more or less?
TableFlowerss · 10/04/2021 08:50

toys