How long should we contribute to adult child?

[cantthinkofauniquename]

Said child is 23. Back story is that for a number of reasons, we did not contribute financially for the first 2 years of university. We did for the last year. In a couple of months, we will have been paying an amount monthly for 2 years. Trying to decide when is the right time to stop. Child had a job before graduation. They're doing well and we're proud of them.

We can afford to keep paying but it is a stretch. It would make a large difference to our own household budget if we stopped. We have 2 younger children.

YANBU - Keep paying for another year as she should have had 3 years support.

YABU - Paying for a year after a degree is enough.

What is wrong with this girl that she’s not embarrassed to still be accepting pocket money from her struggling father at her age and in her circumstances?
I also noted the immediate change of tone isn’t he thread when you revealed she’s your DSD instead of your DD. Typical.

It sounds as though you see the support as a debt in a way, and she doesn't really need the money. In which case, could you halve what you give her but pay it for 2 more years instead of 1? That may help your family finances, helps her transition to a lower total income and ensures she's given equal financial support overall.

@cantthinkofauniquename

I know there is an element of 'cupboard love' to that but I guess that's an unfortunate consequence of a split family.

^^^^^
Beware op.
Sometimes what ever you do it will be wrong.
If manipulation are at play.
To stop paying is the right thing to do.
And if she doesn't see that then that is lack of maturity.
She may surprise you.
One day she may be in your shoes and she'll look back with understanding.
As long as you're above board about it (and not just stop without warning. ) give her a month or 2 grace.
Along the lines of ;
'Dad and I both love you very much. We are so proud of you for getting your degree, a good job and your beautiful house.
We are , however going to now stop with the financial support as we do need it ourselves for other things. '

If you get any argument l would calmly say :
' I understand but you're at an age now where you are quite capable of looking after yourself'

Rinse and repeat.

@HaveringWavering

He must have behaved very badly in his previous marriage if the ex will not even speak to him about his daughter.

He is the father of them all. And no, he didn't behave very badly. They were both young and she left when DSD was 6 months old. DH had to go to court a number of times to get contact and he never broke that order. Not once. Same cannot be said of her. I'm not going into details. Both of them made mistakes and there was a lot of tit for tat ("you're being difficult so I'm being difficult" and vice versa). We have 0 relationship with the mother now because we have no need to. There was no point in discussing the earlier change in circumstance with her as she would have shown no understanding or compassion as all. That had been previously demonstrated.

Youseethethingis

Yes, and that's exactly why it ended up being a drip feed. I wanted to gauge thought without being specific as I honestly swither between doing exactly the same for all three and recognising that dsd gets a lot more than the younger two do. The turn of tide from some posters is ridiculous.

bogoffmda

He is an average wage earner and paid appropriately and more. Definitely not £20 a month.

DH has not had a conversation with her because there's no point if, after discussing it between the two of us, we decide to just continue.

Lots of interesting perspectives. I would like to say, she's got a lovely heart, worked hard and DH is rightly proud of her. And I hope she's proud of herself, she deserves to be. I'm leaning to keeping on paying because, if it does get thrown back at him that we didn't pay 3 years worth, well it's not worth the upset.

Thanks for all your comments but I'm stepping away now.

Until they leave school at 16. Or 18, whatever they have upped it to.

I think it's crazy that you're still paying her a regular amount while she is working and now has her own mortgage. It's a shame you weren't able to help her when she first went to uni but that's life. I know plenty of people whose parents couldn't pay anything at all. My parents supported my younger brother for much longer than they supported me, but I am not at all resentful as I know they did what they could for me and in fact, in other ways, I probably got more support. Ultimately, no one is owed a certain length or amount of financial support while at University. Sure it's nice, but it is not owed.

Yet theresanother thread where people were asked if parents still gave them money and I was amazed at how many still did... or "helped out" with things.

Mumsnet really does polarize its response sometimes.

A 23-year-old with a job and a home of their own should not be getting parental support. They're grown - flown the nest - you've done your job.
You don't owe them any kind of shortfall for years when you didn't have the means to offer more.

@SavingsQuestions but in the thread about DPs giving adult DCs money, it is freely given by those who can afford it. My elderly DPs give us money - I certainly don't ask for it - but with excellent work pensions they have more than they need.

The difference is that they didn't give me loads when I was younger as at that time they were saving for their own retirement and weren't sure they could spare it and of course my expectation has always been that I would pay my own way. I must admit we would find it difficult if they decided to withdraw school fees at this point but I'm sure we'd manage.

Just because the degree was three years doesn't mean you owe them three years of support! If you were financially unable to support them for the first two years then that is a shame but you don't owe them it. It was nice to continue support until they were financially on their feet but now they are it needs to stop.

On a day to day basis they are probably in a position to support themselves. However lump sum things like a rental deposit or further professional qualifications for example may be something you'd want to help with.

Is this a joke?! She’s bought her own home?!?! Stop paying now.

my sons in uni gets his tuition paid for and gets 6,000 a year loan works weekends he pays 25 a week keep to us, suppose it depends on your circumstances , we dont need his contribution but he doesnt have to pay any other outgoings and i just want him to learn lifes not a free ride

Ok those of you saying ops dh has three children so should be treated equally are right... but both sets of children have two parents. Dsd had contributions from both her parents. Her dad contributed for two years so HE can contribute for two years to his other two there by keeping his three dcs equal. Then op can contribute to her own dcs for two years as well, or longer if she so wishes as it is HER money to do with as she wants.

I think so many of you forget that when a child has two separate parents they are not actually entitled to twice as much support as a half sibling whose parents are both together.

I would give them all the same amount of help.

Stop now as she is working with a good income, you obviously want to try and help your other children in the future too , sometimes your children need financial support but you need to think of your needs too .

As someone whose sibling was fully supported through university and helped to buy a first home while I was not helped in this way, I firmly believe we should help each one of our children as much as we can until they are well established. We should give our children every best chance in life even if it means making huge sacrifices and taking an extra job.
It is a tough world out there and once said children are not squandering the money they deserve every bit of support.

If you are intending to pay for your second child who will be going soon for 3 years then you should treat them equally and pay another year for eldest child or only pay for 2 years for second child too. Basically don't treat them differently. Treat them all the same.

It’s really obvious from your post that the child is not yours but your step child. It smacks of resentment ‘having’ to pay for someone else’s child. Maybe stay out of it and leave it to the child’s parents to agree.

If she can afford to purchase a house so soon after graduating she does not need your allowance. Don’t let feeling guilty about being unable/choosing not to support earlier years into over stretching yourselves now.

In the situation you've described, then no you shouldn't continue paying.

How was the gap when you didn't pay met? If they had more grant and or help from elsewhere then I really would taper it down now - they have a job etc but maybe a taperered reduction owuld be better than going cold turkey. Time to save for younger kids really

This post is very odd. Does she need help and do you want to help? There isn't a rule that you have to help for 3 years. How did she cope when you weren't helping?

I think you should work out how much you gave your DD in her final year of uni and then give the same amount to your other DC when they’re at uni. Maybe this time provide the same amount of money, but divide it over the 3 years of their degree. That ensures you’ve treated all your DC equally.

@joey197860

As someone whose sibling was fully supported through university and helped to buy a first home while I was not helped in this way, I firmly believe we should help each one of our children as much as we can until they are well established. We should give our children every best chance in life even if it means making huge sacrifices and taking an extra job. It is a tough world out there and once said children are not squandering the money they deserve every bit of support.

Financial support even in adulthood? Really? I mean, I understand helping out here and there while your child gets used to reality of living independently, but giving them a regular allowance?? Eh... No.