How long should we contribute to adult child?

[cantthinkofauniquename]

Said child is 23. Back story is that for a number of reasons, we did not contribute financially for the first 2 years of university. We did for the last year. In a couple of months, we will have been paying an amount monthly for 2 years. Trying to decide when is the right time to stop. Child had a job before graduation. They're doing well and we're proud of them.

We can afford to keep paying but it is a stretch. It would make a large difference to our own household budget if we stopped. We have 2 younger children.

YANBU - Keep paying for another year as she should have had 3 years support.

YABU - Paying for a year after a degree is enough.

It's probably not hard to guess, she's a DSD. Dynamics are good right now but they haven't always been and us not paying was not understood (didn't go down well) at the time.

TBF that's understandable. It does rather look like DSD support was optional but DC isn't.

ILikeTheWineNotTheLabel

Your post is so rude as to be funny. There's no need to use such inflammatory language. There's absolutely no pushing out of lives going on. And what on earth are you going on about "kids to fall back on"? And your circumstances sentence makes less sense than my original post.

If morally continuing to pay is the right thing to do, then it's the right thing to do.

Did her mother help her out? Your D.C. have one set of parents to help. She has two. I wouldn’t feel badly about not paying an extra year

Saying this as a family that are paying 3 yrs to a SC and wondering how we are going to pay for our D.C. when their turn comes as there is no longer sufficient spare to do so. Her mother has the same set aside as we did, she’s laughing all the way to the bank tbh.

@MrsTerryPratchett

It's probably not hard to guess, she's a DSD. Dynamics are good right now but they haven't always been and us not paying was not understood (didn't go down well) at the time.

TBF that's understandable. It does rather look like DSD support was optional but DC isn't.

It really wasn't the case but I get (in her shoes) it's hard to understand that when each branch of the family had vastly different circumstances and you're a young person with limited life experience.

This is ludicrous, the child has a job and enough money to purchase a house. I'm all for fairness between children but not when it's completely unnecessary. The child is capable of standing on their own two feet without your input - allow them to do so.

Yeah, that’s a pretty big drip feed.
You need to be fair to all.
So 2 years support to all kids or 3 years.
Fair’s fair.

@HerRoyalNotness

Did her mother help her out? Your D.C. have one set of parents to help. She has two. I wouldn’t feel badly about not paying an extra year

Saying this as a family that are paying 3 yrs to a SC and wondering how we are going to pay for our D.C. when their turn comes as there is no longer sufficient spare to do so. Her mother has the same set aside as we did, she’s laughing all the way to the bank tbh.

Yes, her mother did.

Totally understand your second paragraph. Our DC together will get exactly the same monthly amount as DSD when the time comes. They would get for the duration of the degree as the circumstance that prevented us paying for DSD is not there anymore. They won't get anything towards tuition etc though as we just can't afford it.

@ElizabethTudor

Yeah, that’s a pretty big drip feed. You need to be fair to all. So 2 years support to all kids or 3 years. Fair’s fair.

Ok, I'm owning that.

Interesting though that as soon as that is revealed, the dynamic on the thread changed from some posters.

Anyway, I think I'm leaning towards carrying on. It's not worth the loss of good will. I've penny-pinched for 20 years. What's a few more? Lol.

I didn't guess she was a step daughter.

In those circumstances, I think it would be really good if you could contribute to her upkeep for one more year. Then all will be equal. The year will pass quickly and she will always appreciate what you did. No more guilt.

@ILikeTheWineNotTheLabel

Your post is ridiculous!!!! Doesn't matter whether she is the step daughter or not there was no obligation for the OP to contribute to her uni costs over the age of 18........she got more than she was entitled to even if it was just for 2 years and a valuable lesson in real life since if the money wasn't there because OP had a change in financial circumstances where were they supposed to magic it up from 🤷‍♀️ (presumably illness or redundancy?)

OP Stop paying!!!! She is working and has a mortgage of her own for Christ sake! Clearly not having the first year of financial support didn't do her any harm!

If the mother contributed to DSD, plus your 2 years of contributions, I’d say the DSD has done well. I mean obviously she has, seeing as she’s working and buying a home.

Pay the other 2 DC for 3 years of uni. It sounds like all 3 DCs will have had similar help when totaled up.

Unless it’s more complicated than this..

Youngest of 4. Parents helped older two with uni, funding business, etc. Myself and other sibling got nothing. The differences between us and the hurt doesn't go away. In our family its a big unmentionable. We all have the same parents by the way.

My DH didn't get as much as his older brother because the circumstances changed when he was at university (older brother changed courses, so had four years at Uni plus a funded holiday post graduate, whereas DH had to work and didn't get anything over and above his grant). Tbh it still rankles with him, even though logically it made sense that they didn't have the same resources for him. I'd definitely keep things even and pay the extra year.

She doesn't need the money now, so I don't think you need to give her money.

If your younger DC didn't go to uni and went to work instead would you still give them money for three years?

@WeekendCEO

So the next child going to uni will get 3 years of financial support but so far the first child has only had 2 years? If that’s right, then I would make it fair by giving the first child another years worth of support. Presumably the first child will have more debt or had to work more than the next child will? I’d want to keep things fair.

I really don't get this 'it's fair to give another child a year of support'. Kids should appreciate what they get given and not complain or compare.

My parents paid for my accomodation at uni (didn't for sister as she chose to live at home). My parents paid for my sister's first House deposit, whilst I'm still renting.

It is not my position to tell my parents what they should spend their money on and how much. I am just grateful for everything I got given and don't complain.

So, going by some of the replies on here, dsd deserves double the money the OP’s own dcs will get!

Dsd has 2 sets of parents contributing separately to her, while when the OP’s own children need help they will only get the 2 parents contributing the one amount (unless op and her dh split up meantime)!

I would stop contributing now op, dh’s ex isn’t going to help fund your children is she?

Eh, my Mum has given very different amounts of help (emotional, financial) help to my siblings (1 full, 2 half) and I and I don't think about it. We have all needed very different help at various points in our lives, it feels even to me because we have all had our needs met evenly even if it's been unequal in monetary terms🤷🏻‍♀️

Likewise, BIL and SIL got a significant amount of money from my in-laws to help the get in their feet as newlyweds. DH and I got a very generous but significantly smaller amount. At the time it upset me a bit but now I am so grateful to my in-laws for what they have given, and make sure we have saved that amount back and have it set aside to give back to them if they need it in old age for any reason. BIL and SIL don't earn what DH and I do and I suspect they wouldn't be in a position to pay back, but they live much closer and give a lot of practical support as their lifestyle allows that. Their sons had different needs at different times and they gave what they could when they could and we are all very grateful to them and I don't think it's an issue.

If DSD incurred increased debt due to not being supported as you’d hoped, then I’d suggest paying some of that off directly. Certainly not just keep giving cash.

I can see why you might feel it’s fair to keep paying but unless it’s directly redressing any disadvantage that occurred as a result of a lack of support then it just feels like you’re encouraging a degree of entitlement that I’d be really disappointed to see in my own kids. She has a job, has bought her own home and is comfortable.

Up to you- so you're paying the money that you would have, if you could have? If you really want to continue this, I'd be paying it straight into the debt for uni as opposed to them directly as they now have a job.

@ILikeTheWineNotTheLabel

I think the DSD information should have been in your original post. Massively changes the dynamic.

You let her down when she needed you. Now you want to weasel out of making it right.

Disgusting.

I wouldn’t expect much in the way of help from her in your old age if you continue like this.

But then I guess you are thinking that you’ve got two kids of your own to fall back on, and any distance that ensues with your DSD will be further excuse to push her further and further out of your lives. Those are the type of “circumstances” that just arise from time to time that warrant concentrating on other things, just like the “circumstances” basil hat arose during her first t o years of study.

After all, she’s doing so well for herself that she doesn’t need your help and your children do.

Reprehensible. Manipulative and dishonest behaviour.

You are ridiculous, poster of this post.

Our children worked through Uni, as we didn’t make enough to help out , like many other parents.
They qualified for the least loan, and struggled.
It couldn’t be helped.
Paying for a working adult is beyond ridiculous, and is Bratislava on her part

Brattish behaviour on her part ( accepting the money now ) *

I'd putative limit on it, say end of year fir example. What does she use the money for? Is it to help pay debts from uni days? She may be in more debt than other children if she wasn't supported by you for the first two years?

Your DSD doesnt come out of this well if her mother was supporting her all three years and if was a change of circumstances that meant you couldn’t at first. She knows her half siblings will only get your support so in total she will have recieved more. Being able to buy her own home two years after gradulation suggests she has an excellent job.

Unless she knew nothing about the change of circumstances or it was blowing all your money on private island break.

Your husband has 3 children they should all be treated the same.