How long should we contribute to adult child?

[cantthinkofauniquename]

Said child is 23. Back story is that for a number of reasons, we did not contribute financially for the first 2 years of university. We did for the last year. In a couple of months, we will have been paying an amount monthly for 2 years. Trying to decide when is the right time to stop. Child had a job before graduation. They're doing well and we're proud of them.

We can afford to keep paying but it is a stretch. It would make a large difference to our own household budget if we stopped. We have 2 younger children.

YANBU - Keep paying for another year as she should have had 3 years support.

YABU - Paying for a year after a degree is enough.

Pay for another year since you didn’t pay for the first two. I would just pay it towards reducing her loan if I’m honest.

However if your circumstances genuinely don’t allow it then just appologise to her and make it up to her later. That cost of the first two years that she had to pay herself consider it a loan that you can pay her back either through help with deposit or something else.

Your two children will likely get support at uni and so it’s only fair to be consistent

It’s crazy that an adult child would expect parents to ‘Penny pinch’ in order to pay them a monthly allowance!! I can’t understand it! It would be one thing if this was a recent graduate struggling to find work, or pay rent on a minimum wage job, but this is a successful individual who owns their own bloody home for Gods sake!!

She is not a child.. She has bought a house ffs.
Stop
Why on earth does one adult go to work to earn money to give it to another financially OK adult?
The fairness thing is daft... What if one of the younger two decide to be a vet and needs help for 7 yrs at uni? Are you retrospectively going to give older ones four yrs of allowance?
You're bonkers.
Maybe you or your dh gave dsd more emo support.. She had more time with dad by virtue of being born first, second child gets more attention cus they were onky child until second came along... Maybe one liked extra curriculum activities and so got time and money focused on that when another didn't... The list goes on.... Family life can never be exactly fair... Parents cannot divide money, time, attention exactly.

I suppose it would depend on the circumstances, what funding/grants was she able to access? If it was zero because of high parental earnings but the circumstances were you were paying high school fees or other lifestyle choices for other dc so contributed nothing to her then yes it would have been unfair, you weren't earning at all or had significant changes outwith your control, of course not unfair.

Did she get the full maintenance loan at uni? Or did she have to take out extra loans/big overdraft to make up for the fact you weren't able to support her?

The full maintenance loan should be enough to live on unless they're choosing to live in a luxury apartment or partying hard every week. If she only got part loan because of parental income, and you failed to top it up as parents are supposed to, that's different.

How did she manage to buy a house within the first year of graduation? Where did the deposit come from?

So the step child gets nothing for the first two years and now you begrudge the payments but your own will get the full support at the time they need it? Of course she should get the same and her parent should be ensuring she does or treating the other children the same iw no support for the first two years.

Does DSD know the arrangement was planned for 3 years in total ? If she does then personally I'd keep going as you've committed it to her, but if she doesn't then now is the time for her DF to have a conversation about stopping it.
If you wanted to be really fair, you could save a smaller monthly amount for her until it equalled what you were going to give over the last year and keep it to give for say if she was getting married or when she has DC.

I'd stop paying. Her being a step child makes no difference to the fact that she has a job and brought her own home. It's a different situation to being at uni. I wouldn't support my own child if he had left uni and got a job, even if I was doing it for other children.

It would depend on the total amount paid. If your DH paid for 2 years and her mother paid for two years then that would be equivalent to you and your DH paying for DC2 for 4 years.

Drop the guilt OP.
you've done your bit for now.
I paid loads to my dd. She was a Uni fir 5 years.
I was still paying her phone bill for a year after she got a job and her own place.
When I finally plucked up 'courage' to say I was stopping this she laughed
She didn't even realise I was still sending money for it. She was quite happy fir it ti stop. I had been spoiling her.

Your dsd probably doesn't even need it.
Talk to her first.
'Hey dsd now you're working I'm stopping the financial help.

I have 4 children- 2 step children
One has a fantastic job. No help
2 others working minimal help
Youngest no job - financial help

See the balance?

It will change. I help when I can and only if I can afford it.

But at 23 with a job and a house she is not a child anymore.

You do her a disservice ti treat her as such

Look to your other children now and put the money towards their Uni pot.

Why not just put aside amount X as a gift which she can use whenever she feels like for house deposit, car or whatever.

What am I missing? Step child or not if she has a job and has purchased a house then surely she needs no regular monthly financial support? Help out if she needs it obviously if you are able to. But expecting a monthly allowance from parents isn't really being an adult is it.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/students/student-loans-tuition-fees-changes/.

OP just one point- above you made a throwaway comment about not being able to afford to contribute to tuition fees for your other children. Even parents with money coming out of their ears should not be paying tuition fees up front, it makes no financial sense not to take the loan. So that guilt is irrelevant, forget about it. Martin Lewis explains it all in the link above.

( I do get that your main post is about maintenance but just wanted to clear this up).

If the relationship is good then talk to her about it.

Explain that financial circumstances change over time. You were so sorry not to be able to help during her degree, and you’re so proud of how well she’s done now (buying her own home! That’s great for somebody so young).

But finances are still difficult, and with two other kids still to go to uni, you’ve had to think about where you can cut back.

Does she still need the money from you? Is it covering something in particular?

Involve her in the discussion, and hopefully she’ll understand.

FWIW my elder and younger siblings all had much more financial support than me at university. Things change. My parents discussed it with me, we all have good relationships and there’s no resentment here!

It sounds like your personal circumstances didn't enable you to contribute for the 1st 2 years of her degree, and when this changed you did then contribute for the 3rd.
Such is life.

I don't understand why you continued to contribute after she graduated when she had a job.

I didn't guess at it being a step child until you posted that.
I can understand the guilt emotions concerning that fact, but still doesn't change my view point of not understanding why you continued to contribute after she graduated and was working.

DSD has a job related to her degree and has now bought a house. Good for her! Maybe contribute less if you feel that guilty.

Or, stop paying and contribute two years each for your DCs. That's more than enough, I'd say.

You give your 23yo pocket money? Of course you should stop!

Plenty of students find their education and student life without parental help. I really don't think it does children any favours to enable dependent behaviour when they're in their mid-20's

Dynamics are good right now but they haven't always been and us not paying was not understood (didn't go down well) at the time.

TBH I wouldn't be giving money to someone so spoilt and entitled

If I was your child, and had a job, I would never have taken your money. Stop now, fair does not mean equal.

You let her down when she needed you. Now you want to weasel out of making it right.

@ILikeTheWineNotTheLabel

Erm are you actually taking the piss?! Let her down? You do know parents aren't entitled or obligated to support adult children at Uni? I'd say most don't beyond paying tuition fees

@cantthinkofauniquename

ILikeTheWineNotTheLabel

Your post is so rude as to be funny. There's no need to use such inflammatory language. There's absolutely no pushing out of lives going on. And what on earth are you going on about "kids to fall back on"? And your circumstances sentence makes less sense than my original post.

If morally continuing to pay is the right thing to do, then it's the right thing to do.

Ignore the stepparent haters projecting their own issues OP. Financially supporting an adult child for a different 3 year period to what the child originally thought being labelled as manipulative, disgusting and reprehensible surely deserves some sort of MN award for being ridiculous and OTT 😂😂 some people!

@ElizabethTudor

Yeah, that’s a pretty big drip feed. You need to be fair to all. So 2 years support to all kids or 3 years. Fair’s fair.

Bollocks.

These are not children they're adults, circumstances change, that's life.

Controversial view around here but stepchildren don't have to get every single thing to the penny the same as resident children - especially in adulthood. I say that as someone who has been in stepfamilies since the age of 2

I think you speak to her and explain that you will be stopping payments now she is in a job and secure.

I completely understand the guilt aspect but at the same time financial positions change all the time.

It doesn't matter if DSD or DS she's no longer in education and her financial position must be pretty good to be approved for a mortgage!