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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How long should we contribute to adult child?

296 replies

cantthinkofauniquename · 10/04/2021 01:01

Said child is 23. Back story is that for a number of reasons, we did not contribute financially for the first 2 years of university. We did for the last year. In a couple of months, we will have been paying an amount monthly for 2 years. Trying to decide when is the right time to stop. Child had a job before graduation. They're doing well and we're proud of them.

We can afford to keep paying but it is a stretch. It would make a large difference to our own household budget if we stopped. We have 2 younger children.

YANBU - Keep paying for another year as she should have had 3 years support.

YABU - Paying for a year after a degree is enough.

OP posts:

Dontwanttolivewithmylover · 11/04/2021 19:49

My 5 were all working at 16 and have not had not asked for any parental contributions. They all own their homes and have comfortable lifestyles as do to their own children. Get on the job ladder early and by the time your peers are leaving in no, you'll have 7 years of experience behind you, a car and a mortgage.

Jeeperscreepers69 · 11/04/2021 19:49

Your post is very confusing. Don't get it at all. You have typed the way you speak making it illegible

WeekendCEO · 11/04/2021 19:54

What a ridiculous post. There’s value in education. And kids have to be in education of some sort til 18 now. And you do realise that many careers are not possible without a degree.
A car and a mortgage is a very shortsighted view of success and happiness. Some people actually want a career only possible with a degree, masters, etc.

Dontwanttolivewithmylover · 11/04/2021 19:55

*corrections.

nor asked.
leaving uni.
@Jeeperscreepers69. I wasn't quick enough to correct before posting.

Squeejit · 11/04/2021 19:57

If I could afford it, I’d try and clear some of the debt she had accrued in the first two years, when you were unable to support her.
The point of going to university was to put her in a position to be able to support herself, which she is doing now, but it would no doubt help enormously to have less debt hanging over her.

Familyshopper · 11/04/2021 20:30

It’s nonsense you shouldn’t have started it in the first place, how is one to learn to stand on ones two feet because that money will be factored in now & will be a blow to lose

optimisticpessimist01 · 11/04/2021 20:41

DH didn't receive as much money from his grandma as his DSis did (he never once expected anything but DSis got about £8k more than him). It still winds him up now and there's always that niggling feeling in the back of his mind about favouritism.

FortniteBoysMum · 11/04/2021 21:45

I'm guessing your circumstances would not allow support the first 2 years. I'm sure she would of had student loan to survive. Personally once uni was over support should have stopped. It's not a birth right to have 3 years support it's a privilege if parents can afford it. I say you tell her it's stopping.

Lemmeout · 11/04/2021 21:51

If she needs money from you she commits to budget plan with you. That way you wants and needs are separated and you can make your decision about helping her need.

VestaTilley · 11/04/2021 22:36

No need to give any money if child has a paying job and can afford rent and bills etc.

The time to support them would’ve been years 1 and 2 for uni, but I can only assume there were valid reasons for not doing so.

I think it’s equally fine for parents to help out with wedding or house deposit costs to adult DC (also fine not to do so) but general other financial support if there’s no SN and the adult child can work is bizarre and unnecessary.

Mamanyt · 11/04/2021 23:37

Entirely up to you, but you have said that it would make things much easier on the household if you stopped, that there are two younger children to consider, and that eldest has a job and is doing well. It sounds as if you are doing this out of guilt that you could not do so earlier.

If it were me, I would be stopping the support...but at a point in the foreseeable future, and after discussing this with the elder child, and telling her what date the last support payment would be made, so that she can adjust her budget reasonably.

notdaddycool · 12/04/2021 04:10

Stop but give subsequent children 2/3 of the amount annually but over 3 years. You stop this one now but give all children same amount in total and at a level that doesn’t stretch you uncomfortably. Is she also getting from other parents, worth taking into account if your others won’t get it.

Yorkshiretolondon · 12/04/2021 07:40

They are in a secure job and can afford to buy a home..... stop paying

JMR185 · 12/04/2021 07:52

I think it is important that all children in a family are treated fairly, particularly with regards to money. This becomes even more vital wihere stepchildren are involved. In my mind it's unacceptable to give less financial support to one over another.

worriedatthemoment · 12/04/2021 09:37

@ILikeTheWineNotTheLabel how have you surmised all that
Maybe the op and partner had a lesser paying job then , you have no idea?
I couldn't afford to help pay much for my own children at uni at present as i have lost my job, when I get another that will be easier
But if my ds goes to uni this year we will struggle to help, but next year would be able to

worriedatthemoment · 12/04/2021 09:41

I also know people who had 3 kids that went to uni that they funded and one who didn't and they never gave her a monthly allowance to make up for it as she went to work
She isn't resentful as she could of gone to uni but didn't want to
The DSD also had a mum contributing so she has actually got more if you look at it like that

worriedatthemoment · 12/04/2021 09:46

@Yourcatisnotsorry no it wasn't obvious at all as you can tell from first replies.
Why should op stay out if it , the money may come from her earnings for all you know, you have no idea of the families circumstances or other financial responsibilities

Yourcatisnotsorry · 12/04/2021 09:50

It was obvious to me, maybe I’m more intuitive than speedy

Mum2b43 · 12/04/2021 09:59

What??? Your child has a job and own home!!! Stop giving them money that you could be saving for younger two!!!
The child is probably blowing the money on take away and Netflix.

I am sorry but I chose not to go to uni and my parents literally helped me until I got a job. Then they said I had to stand on my own two feet. I was 18!!!

You are doing your child no favours by propping them up financially. Your child is an adult and needs to learn to become properly financially independent.

I am sorry I think you are completely bonkers, no wonder we have a generation of snowflakes when 23 year olds with jobs and houses still need mummy to give them handouts.

billy1966 · 12/04/2021 10:02

OP,
You have two more children to put through University.

Your step daughter has her own home and a good job.
Well done her.

IMO you continue to give her money is ridiculous when she is earning.

What if i two years time you or your husband lost your job/became ill?
What would happen then if again you couldn't help your child?
You would have given 3 years of help to one child and then nothing to your others.

Circumstances change.
You need to be saving for the next child.

When they are ALL educated and clear of being supported, that would be the time to look at evening things up if you like.

But stretching yourself to give money to a woman with her own home and job when you have to more to come is ridiculous IMO.

DYWMB · 13/04/2021 01:58

@billy1966

OP, You have two more children to put through University.

Your step daughter has her own home and a good job.
Well done her.

IMO you continue to give her money is ridiculous when she is earning.

Circumstances change.
You need to be saving for the next child.

When they are ALL educated and clear of being supported, that would be the time to look at evening things up if you like.

But stretching yourself to give money to a woman with her own home and job when you have to more to come is ridiculous IMO.

Exactly this. It's great to be fair but there's no time limit on it. Why not just say we'll even things out later. It's just really odd to just keep blindly paying an allowance for basically no reason. I agree if your other 2 children need uni support and you find you can only do a year each or 10k each, however you work it out, then this adult receiving an allowance is going to look really mad.

I have 3 kids to educate. I won't be totting up uni fees and balancing books like this.
If one decides to work, one goes to uni and one gets married, I will not be sitting with a spreadsheet working out who I owe what to. We'll do our best to help where we can but after uni/jobs they'll be expected to be adults.

My sibling has lived at home rent free for their entire lives and shows no sign of leaving, should I ask my parents for that money?

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