To ask why you had more than one child?

[HarleyQuinn21]

Hello,

I'm only posting here for traffic but my baby is 10 weeks old so it may be all the hormones but I'm thinking I'd quite like another one and it just got me thinking about other families so if you don't mind answering why did you have more than one child? Was it planned or not? What were the age gaps between your children and how did you find it, would you recommend the same age gap? How did you find going from one child to two? And what are your personal pros and cons to having more than one child?

I tend to overthink and want to be prepared before making any solid decisions plus I can't sleep so thought it's be an interesting nearly 4am thread.

1. I’m one of 5 and didn’t want an only child, father of dd1 didn’t want another, father of dd2 wanted one. 10 year gap so in essence we’re like only children growing up but as adults they are now so close

At the risk of derailing the thread slightly, I think a big factor in this is that even nowadays women are expected to erase themselves as individuals once they have DC, and consider the children and their (perceived) needs ahead of their own. Taking one’s own (health/career/emotional) needs into account is still considered ‘selfish’ in many ways.

But these needs have a huge knock-on effect on the child’s own well-being - as I said upthread, children need parents who are happy, stable and as contented as possible with their lot.

I think you are absolutely right. A few weeks ago I was reading something online about how to take care of your child’s mental health and wellbeing. And the first item was ‘take good care of your own mental health and wellbeing’.

I’m embarrassed to say that was actually a lightbulb moment for me - I’d totally internalised the message that my own needs are secondary to my child’s but it isn’t that simple!

at the risk of derailing the thread slightly, I think a big factor in this is that even nowadays women are expected to erase themselves as individuals once they have DC, and consider the children and their (perceived) needs ahead of their own. Taking one’s own (health/career/emotional) needs into account is still considered ‘selfish’ in many ways.

But these needs have a huge knock-on effect on the child’s own well-being - as I said upthread, children need parents who are happy, stable and as contented as possible with their lot.

So much this.

Part of why I’m having a solo child is because I know my own mental and physical well-being, health, social life, hobbies and career, relationship, and that of my husband, would be really cut to the wire and negatively impacted by having a second. Which of course would have a knock on effect on my wonderful child. So we’ve chosen to have one, because our lives are amazing with him in it in a way that they wouldn’t be with an additional child.

Plus being one of four (me) and five (DH) we both know very well that siblings and growing up with them (as well as in adulthood) can bring a great deal of pain and suffering to one’s life. It’s a crap shoot, they can be a force for good for someone or bad, and we wouldn’t have a second negating all of the above just because there’s a chance our kids might get along and be close.

I loathed being an only child and wouldn't voluntarily inflict that on my own child.

*At the risk of derailing the thread slightly, I think a big factor in this is that even nowadays women are expected to erase themselves as individuals once they have DC, and consider the children and their (perceived) needs ahead of their own. Taking one’s own (health/career/emotional) needs into account is still considered ‘selfish’ in many ways.

But these needs have a huge knock-on effect on the child’s own well-being - as I said upthread, children need parents who are happy, stable and as contented as possible with their lot.*

I agree this is expected in the early years but now ours are older, probably when they got to 7&5 or even when the youngest started school we very much put ourselves first. I think we realised what we were doing and basically changed things up. DH gets time for his hobby weekly, I prefer to go out and socialise a few times a week. Some of that coincides with kids activities, I highly recommend Friday night cricket with an open bar. We’ve finally managed to get a good balance I think. I’ve refused to give up my career even though I’m not in any way high flying and have been back to uni for a vocational course when mine were both ore-schoolers and since they were at school I’ve done further study. I never felt any pressure to give up my identity other than from myself and I swiftly returned from Mat leave when I realised I was losing myself.

I have half-sisters who are a lot older and I didn’t ever live with them, so my experience of growing up was effectively as an only child. I’ve since acquired step siblings too and I really appreciate the relationship we have. Being an only child has advantages but it can be lonely. I made very good friends as a child so I don’t think I missed having a sibling at home, but I think I would have found it lonelier as an adult without my half and step siblings.
There’s a nearly 4 year gap between my 2 (would have been 3 years but I had a miscarriage) A bigger age gap is easier in some ways as my older child is at school, but we’ve gone back to square one with the baby years!

Thing is OP, unless you have worries about money or mental health you can’t go wrong with having two really. It’s the societal norm. You were an only child yourself so if you think that you want your DC’s life to be different to your you can either behave differently to your parents or have a different number of children and change the dynamic. I’m surprised that you found dealing with your father’s death so lonely when you (presumably) have a partner. I have a brother and we have lost both our parents. When our second parent died I was already with my husband and while I obviously shared a lot of grief with my brother (we get on fine but are not geographically close) it was my husband who was my rock and who represented my future, I found that much more helpful than too much focus on the past. I also had plenty of shared childhood memories with my childhood friend to whom I have always remained close, she knew my parents extremely well and was always at our house. I hope my son will have friendships like that and maybe a partner in the future. Can’t be guaranteed, but neither can happy sibling relationships.

I’m also shocked at the poster who is traumatised by the memory of her friend being “alone” at her parent’s funeral- did that poster not consider herself as being there to support her friend? If not, why not? I think a lot of this sympathy for only children is projection and not in any way valid.

The same way I had an overwhelming desire for my first child I felt the same desire for my second. When she was 1 I just kept wanting another one the same.

After my second was bored I felt as strongly that I could never ever go through that again (pregnancy and birth were done - it was the sleepless nights etc) so I got sterilised

Thank you for all the replies so far, I just wanted to mention my initial post wasn't there to demonise the choice (or not the choice) of having only one child as potentially my DS may be an only child yet (you can't always gaurentee a second etc), I was a happy only child and never longed for a sibling, I was only planning on having an only child and didn't feel hed miss out which is why I started a thread asking about other people's reasons for having more than one, my dad died after my son was born so not having children while dealing with grief isn't an option and to be honest it is the reason initially why I start thinking about a second as I do have a great support system but it still is incredibly lonely and hard but now I've started thinking more about it and my personal reasons are we are financial secure, it does give my DS a friend (I know you can't guarantee them getting along) and I guess I'd like another one but if it doesn't happen for whatever reason, I don't think it's the end of the world for my ds.

I'm sorry to all those my post offended, it genuinely wasn't my intention and I'm sorry to all those whose had losses and infertility - I didn't mean to upset anyone with the OP, I just didn't think.

We have two. Girl, boy. (Obviously that bit wasn’t planned!) There is a planned 3.5 year age gap, as I was relatively young when I had my first, and wanted to enjoy having one for a while. I personally didn’t want to have two children in nappies/buggies etc. It worked really well for us. We had always hoped to have more than one, when we first discussed it, we’d said 4, but sadly circumstances dictated otherwise and we stopped at two. Technically I’ve still got a few years left where I could have more, and some days I’d love to, but I’m 90% sure it won’t happen now.

There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ with this. Good luck and enjoy your baby!

Twins.

I actually wanted 2 but planned to have about 3 years between them.

None of mine were planned. Was using condoms and the pill , still got pregnant several times. Dh has had the snip now so fingers crossed that's us done .

HarleyQuinn21 I don’t think your original post offended anyone, don’t worry. It was subsequent posts making unpleasant/ignorant generalisations about only children that people were offended by.

@HarleyQuinn21 No need whatsoever to apologise - your posts haven’t been offensive at all; it was a few of the subsequent replies dredging up old stereotypes about only children that people objected to. Best of luck with everything whatever you decide.

I didn't want any. Ended up with twins!

I wanted a second mat leave.
And I wanted my child to have a sibling / siblings.
22 month gap. Love that they are close (In age and emotionally). Engineered the age gap and the friendship, tbh.

@HarleyQuinn21. It's a very interesting question. I think it is important to think about your motivations for having a second child. We are currently going through investigations for secondary infertility and have discussed whether we should continue to try for a second child given the age gap would be so wide (at least 5 years). If we do manage to conceive, a second DC wouldn't be a playmate for a long time for DC1 and they would always be at different stages of life which could prove difficult to manage. Having said that, we have heard many stories of families where a 5 year+ age gap works very well and where siblings with small age gaps don't get along so well. So it seems there are no straightforward answers. We have decided that, if it happens, we would like a second child for ourselves as much as for our existing DC although we would hope that at least in adulthood they would have a close relationship.

But...and this is a big but...we have the resources to make sure DC1 is not disadvantaged by having a sibling. They will still be able to do clubs and activities, they won't have to share a room and there will still be plenty of holidays. If having a second child would materially affect our standard of living, we would question the benefits for our DC.

It was subsequent posts making unpleasant/ignorant generalisations about only children that people were offended by.

My experience has generally been that children, only or otherwise, reflect their parents and the way in which they are parented. Unpleasant children are usually the product of either unpleasant or "wet lettuce" parents. And they're certainly not confined to one child families.

I wanted a second mat leave

Ha, I know a surprising number of people for whom this was the main reason in deciding to have a 2nd (or 3rd!)

I have a 6 year age gap between my 2 girls.
We were living overseas and dh and I spoke about how our dd would grow up and not have anyone to share memories with after we died.
We had a second daughter (dd1 begged for a sibling, but that wasn't the reason we had her) and they have lived in 3 counries together. Overall they are pretty close. Dd1 goes to uni in a few years, and I think it will be really hard on dd2.

DH and I are both from families with three dc and we have three too. Honestly, I like the noise and pace of a house with many children and, as an adult, it feels good to have a tribe to call upon to get together, share history, celebrate and support when life gets tricky.

I certainly didn't do it for the maternity leave. The hell that is the pregnancy and baby stage is the only reason I didn't have more.

One reason was I didn't want my child to be alone after I die and have to deal with everything by themselves. I have 3 dcs so I hope they will be able to lean on each other when the time comes.

As older parents with little extended family we thought it was right to try for a sibling. We ended up with three!

I had a little brother 2.5y younger and we got on like a house on fire as kids and drifted apart as teens and barely know each other now.

My husband has a ten years younger brother and said he always identified as an only child, and was fine with being an only.

I just felt like I had more "mum" to give than just one. Then for our first's first year I was adamant that only children were great! Then he started sleeping and I got that feeling again that I wanted another little one to love. We had her when DS was 22 months old. And now I'm pregnant with #3 and DD will be about 22 months old when it's born. I think this will have to be the last one as for pregnancies two and three I've been really ill, and I don't think we as a family will be able to do this again. If we still feel the "tug" a few years down the line we would think about adopting, but that's a whole other kettle of fish and in that case I would consider very seriously the impact on our existing children, much more so than for another biological baby.

It's been a totally emotional decision for us, totally based on feeling like we had more to give as parents. We decided to go for them close together to get the "babies" bit out of the way for us.

DS has loved having a little sister so far - adding her to the family has been a dream come true. But I'm very aware of how children can grow apart as they get older and I'd love to do everything I can to stop that happening. I know you can't control people, but I do think some of my parents' choices contributed to us falling out and I'd like to try to improve the odds for having a lifelong friendship between my kids.