To ask why you had more than one child?

[HarleyQuinn21]

Hello,

I'm only posting here for traffic but my baby is 10 weeks old so it may be all the hormones but I'm thinking I'd quite like another one and it just got me thinking about other families so if you don't mind answering why did you have more than one child? Was it planned or not? What were the age gaps between your children and how did you find it, would you recommend the same age gap? How did you find going from one child to two? And what are your personal pros and cons to having more than one child?

I tend to overthink and want to be prepared before making any solid decisions plus I can't sleep so thought it's be an interesting nearly 4am thread.

I always wanted more than one as my brother who is close to my age is one of the most important relationships in my world in so many ways, and always has been. Didn't happen for dc 1 as relationship with her father broke down when she was a baby and she was 18 by the time I'd met and settled down with someone else and had dc2. Thought dc 2 would be another "only" as I was 41 when I finally got pregnant but overjoyed it was twins as they are developing the special sibling relationship ( they are 4) that my brother and I had. Me and my brother will always be there for one another. A great thing to have in life. Having said that, it's likely other people can fill that role, not necessarily a sibling I guess.

I’m expecting our second...I don’t know why really, we just so wanted two. My siblings are a main feature of my life. I suppose I have no model for raising an only child, although there are big gaps between me and my siblings and a small one between DD and DC2 so I don’t really have a model for that either. I’d actually like three (like I’m one of) or four if we had unlimited money and space, and if you didn’t have to be pregnant to have a baby, but that’s more like lottery win daydreaming than something I’d seriously consider.

I just always wanted two. I'm one of two and when we had our first DS I always knew I wanted another at some point. DH was less sure and I think if I hadn't pushed it he'd have been happy to stick with one, but we'd agreed two, so I held him to that and it's the perfect number, IMO. No odd one out, no problems with seating.

Plus, when I look at the parents of onlys that I know, they spend a lot of time trying to cultivate friendships for their DC and having other DC over to play. I'm lazy and CBA with any of that - plus while I adore my own DC I'm not someone who 'loves children' in general and I simply don't want my house constantly filled with other people's DC!

@HaveringWavering “ Yeah cos it’s that easy, just having children on demand because your kid begs for a playmate. I’d be devastated if my son was saying this stuff as an adult. However I will explain very clearly to him why a sibling is not possible, perhaps your parents failed to do this for you?”

My parents have explained this to me many times, it’s not a bone of contention for any of us. I have a really good relationship with them. It doesn’t reflect in any way, shape or form on my love for my folks that I don’t have a sibling. It’s a relationship I’ve never encountered but I have a longing for, even as an adult. All I am offering is that from the perspective of an only child, if it’s within the realms of possible, I would recommend you have another. Of course this doesn’t cover every scenario - infertility or other very sad circumstances are beyond anyone’s control. I’m also unsure why you’d be devastated if your son said this? There’s nothing wrong with wanting a sibling

Agree with those who have pleaded for a little bit of tact on this. Your personal childhood experience is just that: personal to you. We also need to remember that the grass is often greener on the other side. Some people are lucky to have had a wonderful sibling relationship, either as children or as adults or hopefully both. But many of us who had one or more siblings did not have that magical experience and grew up wishing they had been an only child. And those who grew up without siblings will always wonder if they would have been happier if their parents had had at least one more child.

Nobody has a crystal ball to see into the future. If you have another child, your kids might be each other's whole world and have an amazing relationship. Or they might fight like cat and dog throughout their childhood and become like strangers as adults. The way in which you approach parenting can influence this somewhat, I'm sure, but you can't control the outcome completely.

Have another child if YOU AND YOUR PARTNER want another child. Do not do it as some sort of 'service' to your existing child.

And to those saying you have to have more than one so your kid isn't all alone in dealing with grief when you die, that is (in my opinion) a shitty reason to have more than one child. Are you assuming that they won't find a loving partner who will support them at this difficult time? That they won't have their own child/children to provide comfort? That they won't even have any really close friends to support them?

I grew up with a brother, two years younger, and I hated him. Still can't stand him now and we're in our 40s. Obviously that makes me think I would have preferred being an only child, but I can never know for sure. Maybe it would have been worse. Who knows. What I do know is that when our dad died, having a brother didn't help me at all. What got me through was the love of my husband, daughter, in-laws, and best friend.

@BlibBlabBlob spot on! My other half can't stand his brother and they are both dealing with their parents estate separately because they can't be civil to each other so no support there ! My beloved sibling died five years ago and so isn't there to help me now with our mums severe dementia. So siblings aren't necessarily the be all and end all.

Bravo, BlibBlabBlob - excellent post.

@mellongoose - I am so sorry for your loss

Please don’t feel guilty for your daughter, my want for a sibling didn't tarnish my childhood and I had all of the love in the world - which I’m sure is exactly what you’ll give your daughter. Plus being an only child does tend to toughen you up a little bit, all of the others I know always say the same thing too. I hope you are all ok ❤️

I had my first son and I was so happy with him. He was a very easy baby, slept well, always cheerful and I honestly didn’t feel that I wanted a second child as I was so genuinely happy just with him.
Then I noticed that everyone in the baby groups had moved on to second and third children. I thought that maybe I ought to at least try for a second and, if nothing happened, it’d be fine. Eventually I’d given up and after nine months, still wasn’t pregnant. I told my husband I’d do a master’s degree instead. And suddenly I was pregnant!
There’s nearly four years between my boys which I wouldn’t have thought would be ideal but they get on like a house on fire. They do fight but very rarely and are very quick to share their sweets etc with each other. They choose to share a room and at night we can hear them laughing and laughing as they talk to each other in the dark.
I’m very surprised at how close they are to each other as I didn’t have that with my siblings but I’m very happy about it. I’m really glad we had a second child.

My mother was an only child and hated it. Have 2 who are 2 years apart. Very different characters but say they would not like to be a single - think of family hols with another child to play with - so much easier for adults. Mine are adults. Daughter thinks all the only kids she knows with 2 parents are "weird" as over-indulged but not so the onlys she knows with lone parents.

This is how it is with my DH and his sibling.

Since a very young age they didn’t get on (early teens) and now in their late 30’s they have nothing to do with each other. It isn’t hatred.....it’s just apathy. They don’t see each other, they don’t call each other, they don’t text each other....there’s just nothing.

When it came to having a second baby it took a lot of convincing my husband because he just didn’t see the benefit of sibling relationships. It took almost a year until he agreed to having a second after I had first mentioned it to him.

I’m also unsure why you’d be devastated if your son said this? There’s nothing wrong with wanting a sibling confused

@pixietinkdust I did not mean I would be devastated if he asked for a sibling, I meant that I would be devastated if, as an adult, he recounted asking and pleading again and again for every birthday and Christmas because it would suggest that he had never received a proper explanation as to why it was not possible/not what the parent was prepared to do, and that he harboured a grudge against his parents for not giving him way he wanted, and they had not tried hard enough to find other ways to make him happy. I’m interested that you say you do understand your parents’ position yet (a) you still talk about this need in such emotive terms and (b) you genuinely don’t appear to think that there is any other way to have a happy childhood than to have a sibling?

I have 4, aged 2, 4, 6 and 8. 2 oldest are boys and are great big brothers. They get on amazingly well with the normal arguments.

2 youngest girls same as the boys. And all together they play well too. They share. If one asks for something they make sure to get one for the others. They are like a little gang. Remind me of the famous 5! I hope they stay like this. They have a fierce love for each other which I witness a lot. I don't know ow if that's down to us reinforcing them playing with each other from the beginning or just their personalities. They are everything I have and seeing them interact together makes me burst with pride. Of course we got lucky and it could change but I really hope not.

We are nicknamed the ducks in our village as they all walk behind me together like a mum and her ducks.

OP if you want another, have another. But not everyone's kids get along it's not a guarantee but they could also be best friends. Only have more if thats what you want.

All this is assuming that you will have healthy and NT children - which we obviously all wish for.

It's all very great to make plans and judgment about only children, but if god forbids their sibling is in need to a lot of medical care or extra attention, not only they won't have that "play partner" but they won't have their parents attention either.

Some larger families have little shit who make their siblings life hell.

Some only children are stuck with lazy parents who leave them in front of the tv all day, because they are hungover from their parties the night before and only want to slob on the sofa all day... not so great.

So whatever choice you make, don't feel guilty about them. It's YOUR family.

Daughter thinks all the only kids she knows with 2 parents are "weird" as over-indulged but not so the onlys she knows with lone parents.

All the shitty stereotypes coming out today, aren’t they? Jesus. I’ll tell you what, THIS is what is now making me worry about having an only child - the fact that nasty people like your daughter will judge her for no reason.

Daughter thinks all the only kids she knows with 2 parents are "weird" as over-indulged
she sounds charming....

@HaveringWavering

What a ridiculous comparison. Your an idiot. An absolute idiot.

There’s nearly four years between my boys which I wouldn’t have thought would be ideal but they get on like a house on fire. They do fight but very rarely and are very quick to share their sweets etc with each other. They choose to share a room and at night we can hear them laughing and laughing as they talk to each other in the dark.

That’s what it’s like with my boys. There are 3.5 years between them which is more than I had wanted ideally but they adore each other.

They also choose to share a room with bunk beds and listening to them chatter away and laugh together at bedtime just warms my heart - the same when they wake up in the morning. They can’t even sit on different chairs in the living room, they have to sit right next to each other, practically in each other’s laps and then they just sit there holding hands. It’s adorable.

I've got a 2.5 year gap and it's worked really well. Oldest started preschool just before my maternity leave ended. They have the odd squabble over toys but mainly get on well. The last year in lockdown they have really kept each other same.

There's almost 5 years between me and my brother and the gap was jus too big for us to have anything in common until he was in his late teens. We pretty much just ignored each other and still aren't close.

Having said that I'm grateful to have him. He's a lovely guy and I like to know we have each others backs when necessary!

For all these people saying please have another child for your child because my parents didn’t and I was so lonely, maybe remember you might have had parents who were unable to give you that 2nd child. It’s not always a case of selfish only child parents - secondary fertility is a thing and posts like this can actually be quite triggering

@HaveringWavering

I’m also unsure why you’d be devastated if your son said this? There’s nothing wrong with wanting a sibling confused

@pixietinkdust I did not mean I would be devastated if he asked for a sibling, I meant that I would be devastated if, as an adult, he recounted asking and pleading again and again for every birthday and Christmas because it would suggest that he had never received a proper explanation as to why it was not possible/not what the parent was prepared to do, and that he harboured a grudge against his parents for not giving him way he wanted, and they had not tried hard enough to find other ways to make him happy. I’m interested that you say you do understand your parents’ position yet (a) you still talk about this need in such emotive terms and (b) you genuinely don’t appear to think that there is any other way to have a happy childhood than to have a sibling?

It’s seems the message has been a little misconstrued...

I am an only child.
I wish I had a sibling.
I have an wonderful relationship with my parents.
I had a lovely, very happy childhood with a boat load of happy memories.

Never did I say I harboured a grudge against my parents, or that my childhood was unhappy because I don’t have a sibling. I just wish I had one - that’s it.

DS2 was unplanned and due almost a year to the day after DS1 was born. He was stillborn.
Now every time I see young siblings with a small age gap I want to howl at the moon.
I’m very close to my brother and I feel so guilty that DS1 doesn’t have his any more. They never even got to meet.
Will wait til DS2s first birthday then TTC again. I had the strangest feeling when I was pregnant with him that he wasn’t my last baby, even though we only ever wanted two.
We shall see.

It’s seems the message has been a little misconstrued...

I am an only child.
I wish I had a sibling.
I have an wonderful relationship with my parents.
I had a lovely, very happy childhood with a boat load of happy memories.

Never did I say I harboured a grudge against my parents, or that my childhood was unhappy because I don’t have a sibling. I just wish I had one - that’s it.

With respect @pixietinkdust you did rather over-egg your initial response then!

[quote lollipoprainbow]@pixietinkdust I think you've made your point loud and clear thanks. [/quote]
So because you’re annoyed at the fact I’ve expressed my opinion and experience as an only child on this, and you evidently have an only child, I should be quiet.

Don’t be so rude, thanks.

@pixietinkdust

Coming from an only child, PLEASE have a sibling for your DC. It’s the only thing I ever asked for every Christmas and every Birthday. When the time is right for me to have children I have already discussed with my DP that one child is not in the plan and I would do everything in my power to have more than one.

I’m not saying I was sad or lonely as an only child, I am very outgoing, great at forging relationships and can make friends in an empty room as an adult - but there’s something about a sibling that I still wish so much I had.

I have noticed that many only children around me have gone on to have just one.

I'm curious about this though obviously wouldn't ask the question