To ask why you had more than one child?

[HarleyQuinn21]

Hello,

I'm only posting here for traffic but my baby is 10 weeks old so it may be all the hormones but I'm thinking I'd quite like another one and it just got me thinking about other families so if you don't mind answering why did you have more than one child? Was it planned or not? What were the age gaps between your children and how did you find it, would you recommend the same age gap? How did you find going from one child to two? And what are your personal pros and cons to having more than one child?

I tend to overthink and want to be prepared before making any solid decisions plus I can't sleep so thought it's be an interesting nearly 4am thread.

That kind of goes to shit during something going on like we have now where they weren’t allowed to see anyone for months.

This pandemic has made me really glad we didn’t have just one. I can’t imagine how lonely that would have been.

bollocks
After a couple of weeks isolating at home, my kids were allowed to play freely with the neighbours kids, so they all had someone more around their own age

We can go into each other garden from the back, without walking on the road and it's very private.

When it was snowing, they all met their friends and did sledging together. I wouldn't have punished their friends and refuse to accept them, what risk was a little kid who hadn't seen anyone in weeks.

You don't have to be a dick and punish children.

we are trying for a second but i would suggest you only do it if you want another one. my experience as an adult is that honestly having siblings does not guarantee closeness or support. i have a perfectly neutral relationship with my sister now as adults (though i think she would probably say that it's massively trained because of my conflict with my mother). however, she has never emotionally supported me over anything so i dont assume she will do so when my parents die. we live in the same city and are in touch weekly but realistically if i want emotional support i turn to DH or my friends. Looking around me that not that different from my friends. So please do have another DC if you would like to have a bigger family but the assumption that they will somehow help each other later is optimistic at best.

i was an only child until 8 and honestly, it was fine. i had lots of friends, loved my parents' and grandparents' attention. not sure that i'd missed out on anything. it was also fine having a sibling but we're not emotionally close not as kids and not now as adults. we are just too different and both of us rely on our partners/friends for that.

I got a completely unexpected bogof from ivf. Yes, I’d had 2 embryos put in but I was convinced it would mean 1 baby if I was lucky. Honestly never occurred to me that it could mean twins!

I used to want more when my DTs were babies, but now that they’re 3 and absolute horrors darlings I’m done as I don’t want such a large age gap between kids (especially if the next baby was a singleton, they’d be left out all the time).

@thebillyotea - same here. it was totally fine. actually i felt more sorry for my friends with two-three children because their parents seemed to make less effort for them to see other kids - so they really didnt see anyone else for months unlike my DC.

and a pandemic is really not normal circumstances. so you cant judge normal life on this past year.

Failure to take the pill properly. My first was 6 months old when I became pregnant again. I was so sleep deprived I don't think I always remembered to take the pill. Tbh I can barely remember the sex. 😁

I just always wanted two. And having had two I would consider a third, although I don't think it's the be all and end all, I am very happy with the two we've got. There's a lot of advantages to having a sibling such as sharing, having an ally / playmate .
There's 19 months between them, it happened a lot easier than I thought it would , and I think I would have left a longer gap had I known how quick it would be (we had issues before). It has been very hard, but youngest is about to turn 1 and I think it is a bit easier now. They are both great.

I have two. 13months apart. First one planned, second not. I did always want at least two though. Just maybe a bigger gap. However, its worked out perfectly. The age gap is so small they're like twins. They play so nicely together and seem close. They do fight though equally.

I had two so they could have each other. A couple of friends have one child and I know of one who feels she is missing out. She's only 5 but very sociable and particularly during the lock down has missed out on child interaction.

We always wanted 2 or 3 kids. We are both one of three and like having siblings/get on well as adults. Mine are close in age to me, we played as kids, fought as teenagers (but still also got up to mischief together) and as adults I can’t imagine not having them. Also being one of three meant if you were fighting with one sibling you could hang with the other.

I want the same for my kids, I want them to have built in playmates and allies when life gets tough. I also didn’t want one child to carry the weight of my hopes and dreams for them.

We ended up with 3, eldest followed by twins 21 months later. I honestly don’t know if we would have gone back for a third if she hadn’t shown up 2 minutes after the 2nd. I hated being pregnant. But I also sometimes day dream about a 4th despite never ever actually wanting one. I wonder who else we could make I guess.

The age gap was very hard with 3 under 2, but now they are in preschool/primary school they are best buddies and entertain each other so well. If I had known there would be twins I would have left it just a bit longer though, my eldest was still such a baby when they came along.

I have 4.
In 1st relationship we had 2Dc, there is 4.5yrs between them. I wanted 2 dc but would've had more. Ex DH didnt want more and had snip. ( we had 2 high risk pregnancies)
Our relationship ended (not because we didnt have more DC)
I met my my Dp, who had no DC.
We have 2 DC together . 2.5 yrs apart.
ages of children now are, 18,13,6,3.
I love that the 4 DC have each other, they get on well.
I have 3 siblings...There is 2 yrs between us, I wouldve loved a DS but have 3 DB- we all get on well.

We have 2 close in age and although hard work the endless games and fun they had growing up was so worth it. They are now teens and they often call each other out on behaviour and are two lovely young people.

If you love your son, there is twice the love waiting for you with a sibling

Coming from an only child, PLEASE have a sibling for your DC

Sorry, but I think having another child just to give your existing one a sibling is a terrible idea. More than anything a child needs happy, healthy, stable parents who are able to support their DC emotionally and financially - not frazzled and exhausted ones who aren’t fully on top of things and may come to resent the second child.

I have an only who is 3. I’m now 40, with a couple of medical issues that would make further children possible but potentially risky for me. Should I risk my own health to provide DD with a sibling? Having a 2nd child at this point would realistically also mean I’ll never have a meaningful career again (current SAHM hoping to retrain once DD starts school). Should I sacrifice my long-term financial independence and life satisfaction to give DD a sibling? Knowing myself pretty well, I am also pretty certain I wouldn’t enjoy or cope well with the chaos and lack of head space that comes with a larger family. Should I sacrifice my MH to provide DD with a sibling I don’t really want? Would any of these things be good for DD?

DP and I both have one sibling. There’s no animosity there but my brother lives overseas and our relationship is conducted remotely via Skype/WhatsApp. DP’s sister lives locally but they’re not close and we see her mainly for DD’s sake. Realistically I’ll be caring for my ageing parents alone in future, despite on paper having a sibling. Neither sibling has chosen to have kids, so there are no cousins either - no, this scenario is perhaps not ideal for DD, but it’s also not a good enough reason for me to have an unwanted second child.

Like @bookworm14 and others I’m also saddened by all the stereotyping of only children on this thread. Many people’s circumstances are complicated, and many people’s fertility is not fully under their own control. Essentially there’s no ‘right answer’ as regards family size - another long thread on here a week or so ago about three-child families also had numerous responses from posters who had hated the experience of growing up as one of three. Much of life generally isn’t ideal; we just have to make the best choices available to us and ensure however many DC we have are loved, supported and cared for.

I wanted more than one because I feel I really missed out on that busy fun home life growing up.

I have 4 and it can be manic; but nothing beats hearing them play and laugh together and forming their own team.

As an only I can honestly say I've never felt sad as a result. My mum was a single parent and I LOVED our little team of two against the world. I think it helped that she has a twin brother who was also a single parent and the five of us would holiday together. I'm still extremely close to my cousins and count them as siblings. I was also a super sociable kid with loads of friends (both my own and kids of my mums friends) so never felt lacking in a playmate.

There's more than one way to build a family.

I just needed another.

Oh and my DM’s relationship with her sibling was absolutely toxic and resulted in decades of pain for my DM, until her sister finally died a couple of years ago. Children are all individuals in their own right, and a healthy, compatible sibling relationship is very much the luck of the draw.

I think it is something that you just know you want. I think from your initial post OP, you want a second child.

We wanted a second because we loved having our first and really enjoyed being parents, so why not do it again. There were also the advantages (or disadvantages depending) for our son having a sibling. Someone to play with, someone to have with them, someone to share the experience of our family with. Unfortunately, I miscarried our second child and never managed to get pregnant again and at 43 I see it as unlikely now.

That being said, we are happy with our family and feel blessed that we have our son. He has never said he is lonely or asked for a sibling but you never truly know how he will feel in the future. I have friends who could not have children at all and so I would say OP that you should feel blessed that you are happy being a Mum and go for that second child if that's what you want.

I would also say to those saying that they "feel sorry for the only children" that you should focus more on your own family and not worry about only children. There are lots of different dynamics (bad parental relations/bad sibling relationship/bullying/anxiety etc) that cause children to be unhappy. Your own child could be less happy than the only child that you are passing and "feeling sorry for".

I didn't plan to have one, let alone THREE. I was sterilized at 28.

TempsPerdu, you have articulated my own views so well - thank you. I do feel that people who make a careful, considered choice to have one child are demonised more than those who sadly only have one child due to infertility. Like you I could have a second child if I wanted (probably - there may be fertility issues now for all I know). However it wouldn’t be a good idea for a number of reasons (physical/mental health, finance etc). There is also the simple fact that I have never once felt broody since having DD five years ago. Should I have a baby I don’t want purely to give her a sibling? Surely that wouldn’t be great for the baby? Yes, there is a chance DD will wish she had siblings, but I hope she will at least understand our reasoning for sticking with one, and that it was done for carefully considered reasons, not just because we couldn’t be bothered somehow.

We had DD1 exactly 12 months after we Married, we had been together for 3 yrs, and both being only Children ourselves, we didn’t want that for ours. DD2 arrived 22months later, and we thought we had finished having children, but DD3 had other ideas, and arrived 12months later after Contraceptive failure. The Day after she was born, DH took himself off to his Appointment at a private clinic and had a vasectomy, Family complete, or so we thought!
l took up my career again, did further Training, and got a fairly decent job. We slowly grew further apart, often passed like ships in the night due to his Shift work, and Child care duties for both of us, we would also have the little time we had socially with friends of our own. Two years later, we realised just how much we had Grown apart, and we were divorced.
I gave up my Job to become a full time mum, rarely went out, but was persuaded to go to a party by a family member. Little did l know that someone would be there that had worked with my cousin for many years, and was at a similar stage in his life as l was, both going through a Divorce. That was in the October, by Christmas we had become a Couple, and fourteen months later we Married.
He had one Adult Son, but he seldom heard anything from him, despite us both trying to contact him, and welcome him into our home, he never replied. DH2, always dreamed of having a daughter of his own, and loved my Girls, but we decided to try for a baby together, and had DD4, the following September, followed by DD5 who was a complete surprise, and born after a Coil failure 15 months later. That was finally it!
I had a sterilisation procedure done at the same time as the CS that delivered her, family completed for good!
DH 2 and l are still together, happy, and amazed how life surprised us both when we least expected it. We have had some tough times along the way, and Sadly lost DD2 to Cancer at a young age in 2015.

I do feel that people who make a careful, considered choice to have one child are demonised more than those who sadly only have one child due to infertility

At the risk of derailing the thread slightly, I think a big factor in this is that even nowadays women are expected to erase themselves as individuals once they have DC, and consider the children and their (perceived) needs ahead of their own. Taking one’s own (health/career/emotional) needs into account is still considered ‘selfish’ in many ways.

But these needs have a huge knock-on effect on the child’s own well-being - as I said upthread, children need parents who are happy, stable and as contented as possible with their lot.

Agree there’s still a lot of stigma associated with actively choosing to have one child. I think it’s often deemed ‘selfish’ at least in part because it can look much easier from the outside, and those struggling with multiple children sometimes like to assume the ‘trade off’ for this is that the only child must be either spoilt or lonely. I know my many NCT friends who are presently dealing with a preschooler and a newborn would openly admit that they’re envious of me and my ‘easy only’ DD!

@RedcurrantPuff

I am quite willing to put in the extra work with school friends and relatives to ensure he has someone to play with.

That kind of goes to shit during something going on like we have now where they weren’t allowed to see anyone for months.

This pandemic has made me really glad we didn’t have just one. I can’t imagine how lonely that would have been.

"Something like" a pandemic? What other examples are there?

No pity needed for DS. He's been to nursery throughout.

We had 2 because both me and DH had a sibling. I was close to my sibling growing up, DH not so much. But we both had fond memories of always having someone to play with. My Dad was an only child and describes his childhood as lonely despite his best friend living next door and him being close to his cousins. I have 2 years between my 2 and they get on so well, they adore each other and it’s really lovely. I’m very lucky that they get on so well, they openly tell me they love each other more than they love me or DH and they’re each others biggest fans.

I only have one at the moment but would very very much like a second, because I was an only child and a sibling was always my biggest wish. My parents would tell you I was a ‘very happy’ only child who ‘never wanted’ a sibling but nothing could be further from the truth!

And with the exception of the fourth trimester, which I found very overwhelming, I have so far found parenting to be the most fulfilling and rewarding and weirdly therapeutic thing I have ever done. So I want to do it twice!

Great post @TempsPerdu

I’ve known quite a few couples who had a second and then split up shortly afterwards. People act like going from one to two isn’t a big adjustment but from everything people I know IRL have said it truly is, and it breaks a lot of couples (especially when one person was more keen than the other).

@Karmakarmachameleon

And with the exception of the fourth trimester, which I found very overwhelming, I have so far found parenting to be the most fulfilling and rewarding and weirdly therapeutic thing I have ever done. So I want to do it twice!

Interestingly I feel the exact same as you about all of this, apart from the last bit! The first six months of having my child were almost unbearable in a lot of ways, I loved having him and him and being a parent so much but we had a very traumatic start and problems with low milk supply meant I spent the first nine months carrying out a gruelling schedule of triple feeding which was absolute madness but I felt I had no choice but to do (‘breast is best’ causes so much pain and trauma to women). While I know if I had another I’d have a different birth (c section) and I would formula feed from the start, I still don’t think I’ll ever want to put myself, my husband or especially our very lovely toddler through a newborn again. It was worth it to have my son but willingly doing it again when I already have become a parent and get the joys of a child just doesn’t make any sense for us. Each to their own :)