To ask why you had more than one child?

[HarleyQuinn21]

Hello,

I'm only posting here for traffic but my baby is 10 weeks old so it may be all the hormones but I'm thinking I'd quite like another one and it just got me thinking about other families so if you don't mind answering why did you have more than one child? Was it planned or not? What were the age gaps between your children and how did you find it, would you recommend the same age gap? How did you find going from one child to two? And what are your personal pros and cons to having more than one child?

I tend to overthink and want to be prepared before making any solid decisions plus I can't sleep so thought it's be an interesting nearly 4am thread.

A lot of these reasons are nonsense. Have another child if you want another one and can support two. The other reasons are all projection, I get on ok with my brother as adults but we have little in common, and if we didn't have similar age children would probably have little contact. We fought like cat and dog during our teen years and if it comes to elderly care that burden will still fall to me, I'll just feel resentful there is someone else who should be helping but isn't. DH is an only child and very happy with that situation. DF is one of seven and only has sporadic contact with one sibling, no fall outs just none of them are close as adults. DM is over if 4 and is closer to I've brother, the other two have caused her more stress and upset than anything else and bobber of them helped when my grandma was dying it was all down to my mum.
I have two DNs who are terrible at sharing, one has terrible manners and social skills and both are very spoilt but none of that fits the narrative of this thread....

I always wanted 2 children. I had 3 miscarriages and an ectopic before having DD aged 40 so thought she was going to be it but thankfully got pregnant again quite easily and had DS less than 2 years later. They have always been good company for each other and I’ve loved watching their relationship develop. They are teens now and even though they wind each other up at times, they think the world of each other.

I was an only child, and went on to have an only child.
I just never saw the reason to have another DC - I didn't want to take any more maternity leave / the stress of a young child.

I was told at 19 I'd probably never conceive naturally (birth my ovaries are polycystic). I failed to conceive in 2 relationships, then miscarried at 10 weeks in another.
My mother and her mother were nannies and teachers, a love of babies and children is just in our blood I think.
I grew up 1 of 3 and can't imagine my life without them. We are not as close now as I've settled down and had kids, but as kids we were very close.
DC1 and 2 were planned, 26 months between them. They've always been best buddies, but do also fight sometimes now they're 11 and 9. DC3 and DC4 were unplanned but very much wanted. They're 16 months apart and are 4 and 3.

The only thing I would say is that you can plan having children if you want, but you can't plan anything after the actual conception. You really don't know what your pregnancy, birth, baby's temperament etc will be like.
DC1 didn't sleep for more than 40 minutes straight until he was over 1 year old and is now suspected to have ADHD.
DC2 had sleep wakings/ night terrors from around 1yr-8yr and still sleep walks. He is suspected to have ADHD/Autism and takes literally hours to settle to sleep.
DC3 screamed almost constantly for the first year of her life, it was horrendous.
DC4 had turned in the womb and was stuck, his birth was very traumatic and if the surgeon working in the night on skeleton staff hadn't decided to wait for morning shift back up, there's no doubt we'd have died on the table.

There's always a list of pros and cons, everyone's experience of childhood and parenting is different. All you can do is listen to your head and your heart whilst also being aware that sleep deprivation and hormones can definitely cloud your judgement.

For a sibling for my first.. they are three years apart and are such good brothers/company for each other. I love that my oldest [isn’t lonely] has a playmate at home. We don't have cousins around and aren't the most sociable friend wise.

I fixed that for you @CookPassBabtridge. Same point but without perpetuating the casual stereotype of the “lonely only”.

Also, ignoring the squabbling about who is wearing whose clothes, they are great emotional support for each other, and having them at the same secondary was fantastic, they all have vibrant and interlinked social lives. That is obviously situation dependant, so don't take it as anything more than anecdotal, but is something to consider.

I had another because my son thought he was the centre of the universe 😁. It’s only helped slightly.

Lovely to see them beginning to play together and see how much they love each other. Hopefully as they grow up they will continue to get on pretty well.

I am quite willing to put in the extra work with school friends and relatives to ensure he has someone to play with.

That kind of goes to shit during something going on like we have now where they weren’t allowed to see anyone for months.

This pandemic has made me really glad we didn’t have just one. I can’t imagine how lonely that would have been.

Because two came out at the same time. Not my fault!

Had more children as I suppose it was a given- we each had 4 in the family. The decider was at a friends parent's funeral where she stood alone and it broke my heart (I just had a chill thinking about it there). I have 4, they play together, are there for each other and in that way lockdown didn't affect us BUT we have to work hard to make time for each, with homework etc I always say they should all get the same time even though I have 4, but it doesn't always happen, so I do wonder with each of them are they disadvantaged in that area. Plus they don't have the stuff I'd assume single children have, they get hand me downs, we don't buy the everyday things such as comic books often as you have to multiply by 4 and when sweets etc come in because they're shared out so there's less. We are a big ball of chaos but I love it as every family does for their own situation, so as long as there's love I think your child will be happy out even if they're the only one. Congratulations OP!!!

Yes, it’s been hard having an only during lockdown, but were we supposed somehow to have anticipated that years in advance? I imagine it would also have been hard to be stuck at home with two kids who fight constantly...

someoneiou and youseethethingis

My first pregnancy was planned, got lucky first month and turned out to be twins. Sadly, they arrived very early, one of my daughters died in the hospital and her sister has some mild disabilities as a result. Think that coloured my whole view of pregnancy and babies.

I desperately wanted another, I loved having a sister and I was so pleased to think that my twins would always have each other. Sadly, it wasn't to be.

I went on to have two more children, both very much wanted. When I see how kind and protective they are of their big sister, my heart just aches. I would never expect them to care for her after I am gone but I hope they will still be in her life. However, DC3 and DC4 hate one another so you can't have it all!

And the sister who I loved having as a sibling so much has an only child which is exactly what she wanted. Perhaps she doesn't remember our relationship as fondly as I do! Her son finds the noise and chaos of my house a bit overwhelming and seems very content as an only child.

vargas I have already secured two dogs as even my youngest isn't that young anymore

@RedcurrantPuff

I am quite willing to put in the extra work with school friends and relatives to ensure he has someone to play with.

That kind of goes to shit during something going on like we have now where they weren’t allowed to see anyone for months.

This pandemic has made me really glad we didn’t have just one. I can’t imagine how lonely that would have been.

I would argue that an only child with family/friends would find lockdown easier than siblings who don't get along.

@SuperCaliFragalistic

I think if you are particularly sensitive to the fact that you have only one child maybe this isn't the thread for you - it's clear from the title. I often don't open threads that might cause me to feel upset.

I can write on any thread I want thanks. My opinion is as valid as anyones so button it up lady

Always wanted 2. Have a 16 month age gap between them because ds1 was an ivf baby and I was given the impression that it would be hard to get pregnant naturally. As it turned out, it took 2 weeks to get pregnant the second time instead of the 2 years plus I was expecting.

The first few years were very tough with two under two etc. But they play together nicely now, although there’s a lot of fighting too!

@pixietinkdust

Coming from an only child, PLEASE have a sibling for your DC. It’s the only thing I ever asked for every Christmas and every Birthday. When the time is right for me to have children I have already discussed with my DP that one child is not in the plan and I would do everything in my power to have more than one.

I’m not saying I was sad or lonely as an only child, I am very outgoing, great at forging relationships and can make friends in an empty room as an adult - but there’s something about a sibling that I still wish so much I had.

Coming here from one of four: I could equally say PLEASE stick with just one. My siblings have brought me nothing but pain in adulthood, to the extent I’ve had to have therapy several times to cope with the impact they’ve had on my life and still deal with nightmares on a weekly basis about them.

When my own mum died I didn’t have them around to ‘help’ and it was absolutely fine, I had close friends. I think when you don’t have siblings you do tend to focus on forming solid friendships, which are more likely to be there for you than blood relatives who you may or may not click or get along with.

Having a second because you perceive the first will need a sibling is pretty risky.

Pretty rude @BLTLover I didn't say you couldn't comment. I was trying to gently suggest that if the subject matter causes someone to feel distress maybe they would prefer not open the thread. I don't have strong opinions either way about sibling relationships but being unpleasant to someone because you feel triggered by a conversation you didn't have to join is uncalled for.

I have four children who are now 16, 14, 12 and 10. Both dh and I are from large families and I always wanted lots of children. I had two miscarriages before my eldest and conceiving him took a little while, so although people assume that I have babies easily, it was not always a certainty. I had a mc between my middle girls too. I am so very thankful for what I have.

I have two boys and two girls, and they get on very well (generally speaking !) We don’t have family nearby and when they were young I used to work part-time during the day and part-time every evening in a boarding school to make ends meet and have quality time with the children. Now my life is a whirlwind of extra-curricular activities and general chaos but I love it - even though dh and I both work full-time (dh is a teacher which has always provided a good balance in the school holidays etc).

I think the happiness of children is first and foremost the influence of good parenting and solid morals, one size definitely does not fit all - families come in all shapes and sizes and is not governed by the number of children you have.

There is 13 months between my 2. I had my first at 40 after meeting my DP late in life. I hadn't really wanted an only child and altho was surprised (!) to get pregnant with 2nd was pleased as I knew I didn't have much time. Two just felt more 'familyish' to me (I'm not saying one child familys are lesser). The early years were quite hard but also lovely. My 2 just don't talk to each other at all though and are v different, I hope they can have a relationship as they get older (18 &19) but I can't make this happen.

@RedcurrantPuff

I am quite willing to put in the extra work with school friends and relatives to ensure he has someone to play with.

That kind of goes to shit during something going on like we have now where they weren’t allowed to see anyone for months.

This pandemic has made me really glad we didn’t have just one. I can’t imagine how lonely that would have been.

Sadly there are kids with siblings who’ve suffered from the lack of space and time alone or with their parents during the pandemic too, who’ve struggled with thinned out resources needing to be spread amongst more kids, who’ve really struggled with so many people in one house for weeks on end.

Loneliness isn’t a guarantee, nor is it the worst thing to happen.

@HaveringWavering

For a sibling for my first.. they are three years apart and are such good brothers/company for each other. I love that my oldest [isn’t lonely] has a playmate at home. We don't have cousins around and aren't the most sociable friend wise.

I fixed that for you @CookPassBabtridge. Same point but without perpetuating the casual stereotype of the “lonely only”.

Okay lonely at home, like I was. Had no-one to share the family experience with.

Strait after DD 1 we didn't want another. Traumatic birth and we were in and out of hospital with her for 12 months. Luckily nothing serious but enough to decide I ain't doing this again. Then after a couple of years came round to the idea of another. But aftee a miscarriage and an ectopic decided we were happy and lucky with what we had. Then for pregnant with DD2. Totally not planned. 7 year age gap and it's been fab. She slotted in seamlessly. Kind of had to as DD1 was at school and had after school activities etc. We were alot more chilled with this one and it's just been fab. They are 9 and 2 now.

I didn't want my first little boy to be on his own dealing with everything when we're old. x

@pixietinkdust

Coming from an only child, PLEASE have a sibling for your DC. It’s the only thing I ever asked for every Christmas and every Birthday. When the time is right for me to have children I have already discussed with my DP that one child is not in the plan and I would do everything in my power to have more than one.

I’m not saying I was sad or lonely as an only child, I am very outgoing, great at forging relationships and can make friends in an empty room as an adult - but there’s something about a sibling that I still wish so much I had.

I have hated having a sibling. I cannot stand him, he was too close to me in age so I was never away from him and vile since birth so ruined my childhood, my teenage years and continues to be a waste of space. As soon as my father dies I will cut all contact. And that is (one of the reasons) why I never had a second.

@FeedMyFaceWithBattenberg

I didn't want my first little boy to be on his own dealing with everything when we're old. x

when you see how many MN posters are left to deal with everything about elderly parents by their siblings, I am not sure it's something you can actually plan ...