To ask why you had more than one child?

[HarleyQuinn21]

Hello,

I'm only posting here for traffic but my baby is 10 weeks old so it may be all the hormones but I'm thinking I'd quite like another one and it just got me thinking about other families so if you don't mind answering why did you have more than one child? Was it planned or not? What were the age gaps between your children and how did you find it, would you recommend the same age gap? How did you find going from one child to two? And what are your personal pros and cons to having more than one child?

I tend to overthink and want to be prepared before making any solid decisions plus I can't sleep so thought it's be an interesting nearly 4am thread.

I didn't want another at all when my first was small. No interest at all until she was at least 2 and started sleeping better and being a bit easier. We have an age gap of exactly 3 years and I would recommend it. Close enough to play with each other and share a room, but old enough for my eldest to be a bit independent and help out with the baby and also understand what was going on. Also we didn't need a double buggy, didn't have 2 in nappies or two big car sears and so on.

I had more than one because I had identical twins!

I just didn't want an only. I valued having siblings when growing up and I wanted the same for my DD. I'm really glad of my decision as they are decent friends these days!

The atavistic reproductive urges in my lizard brain. Wish I had listened to rational me!!

@mellongoose. I'm so sorry for your loss .

There are many happy only children. I come from a family of children close in age (under 2 years between all of us), and I had thought this was the ideal but actually I've realised since having a child myself that my DM, who was quite a young mother, didn't really have the patience and emotional headspace to support us all and might have been better off as a mother of one not three. As it is, we've all grown up with varying degrees of anxiety which I think stem at least in part from the stress and financial pressure our parents were under during our childhood which seemed to colour everything. If my DC remains an only, I hope I will be able to spare them that at least and already they seem a more secure, confident child than I was at their age. I'm not saying this is the inevitable result of having siblings, but just that it is not necessarily the worst thing to be an only if otherwise there would be insufficient financial and emotional resources to go around.

I knew I'd always have more than one child because I was an only child and I hated it.

Mine are 14 months apart. Probably would recommend that age gap as it was so hard in the beginning, especially in lockdown (DC are still very young).

I'd love more. I love being a mum.

@HaveringWavering I have no idea of your situation how in the world would I know you have fertility issues!? Please don’t Imply I was saying that, as I clearly wasn’t. Again, don’t take your issues out on me when I simply answered the question that was asked. I’m sorry you’re in the situation you’re in, but you clearly want more children and have made a nasty dig at me not being able to give my children enough attention, so I assumed you don’t WANT more than one child not couldn’t have more/ have one. Like I said I have no idea of your situation I haven’t ready every comment on thread.

I've got one baby at 18 months.
I'm starting to feel a bit of pressure now as people say 2 years is a great age gap etc.
I'm not ready though for another. I've had a lot of mental health issues since I had my girl.
I also struggled through my pregnancy. I think we'll try for another eventually but I can see it being a 3-4 year age gap.

I don't think it's fair to suggest only having one is unfair to the child. There's a whole host of reasons people only have one. To me, pregnancy, childbirth and dealing with two little ones is hard work. It's not an easy feat just for the sake of giving a child a playmate.

@BLTLover

Well this makes a single mum of 35 to 1 with fertility issues feel like shite.

Sorry to hear that, it must be hard. But the thread title is obvious enough that it would make you feel hurt in your situation, so best not to read it. People are allowed to discuss family size on a parenting forum - it's not a personal attack on anyone with fertility issues.

Great comments for people only able to have one child for various reasons, thanks for making me feel worse about my dd being an only child than I already do !

I wasn't expecting any. After ttc for 15yrs and many failed treatments we had accepted that we wouldn't have any. 2yrs later at the age of 40 I unexpectedly fell pregnant. I would have been completely happy with one. When DS1 was 2, DS2 came along to surprise us again.

[quote Mylovelyhorsee]@HaveringWavering I have no idea of your situation how in the world would I know you have fertility issues!? Please don’t Imply I was saying that, as I clearly wasn’t. Again, don’t take your issues out on me when I simply answered the question that was asked. I’m sorry you’re in the situation you’re in, but you clearly want more children and have made a nasty dig at me not being able to give my children enough attention, so I assumed you don’t WANT more than one child not couldn’t have more/ have one. Like I said I have no idea of your situation I haven’t ready every comment on thread.[/quote]
You had absolutely no need to make a sweeping statement about feeling sorry for only children. You made that statement with ZERO consideration of how that would make parents of only children feel. You had no need to say it. All you had to do was to say that you personally wanted your child to have siblings. It’s called tact.

I have 2 DC - 4 year gap. Best decision I ever made to have DC2. They now also have 2 x half siblings on their dads side too, which is nothing to do with me but I think a good thing on balance.

Having recently lost my adult brother to cancer and now facing dealing with my aging, healthy, difficult, divorced parents on my own for the next however many years I would have another now if I could.

I have 2 with a 2.5 year age gap. I had my second purely because I just loved being a mum. Me and my partner have siblings and we wanted a similar size family. I just knew there was a space for another it was always there.

@lollipoprainbow

Great comments for people only able to have one child for various reasons, thanks for making me feel worse about my dd being an only child than I already do !

It’s the need that so many have to express it in a negative way- oh because being an only would have been sooo awful. I bet they would not say these things in a group of people in real life because they would stop and think about how it might make a real person feel.

@HaveringWavering exactly, the comments are so tactless.

@HaveringWavering yes something you have loads of it seems. You clearly have lots of issues surrounding fertility and for that I’m sorry for you. This thread was clearly titled though. I am also entitled to have my opinion and you are entitled to be offended.

OP i only have one and am stopping there. I wasn't going to comment as you are looking for pros of 2+ but I also have experience of dealing with the death of a parent and fuck me sideways if having a sibling didn't make that 10 times harder.

Sibling didn't visit dying parent, I had to comfort them about why he wasn't there (no reason, he's just selfish), he was obstructive when dealing with wills and funeral plans, didn't want to spend more than the minimum of the estate because it was 'his' money, pestered me relentlessly to chase everything while doing nothing himself. It would have been easier being a single child.

I love him, he's not a bad person. But most of my childhood memories of my sibling are of fighting and it hurts that I don't just have a normal sibling to have a relationship with.

My only advice is to have a second if YOU and your husband want another, not for your child.

We have 2 and I’m pregnant with a third. After the first we just didn’t feel done and it is lovely watching them play together, they are only 1 and 3 at the moment but are already beginning to play which is really nice. DH wanted a third, I wasn’t sure at first (didn’t really want to go through another pregnancy) but I’m one of three and always liked having someone else around growing up.

My friends with 3 year age gap are struggling with the 3 year olds behaviour when they have a new born where as mine were young enough just to ignore the new baby

This was definitely true for us. We had an almost 3 year age gap between DD1 and 2 and DD1 kept asking us to send the baby back at first 😂 Shes getting more used to her now but the jealousy at first was quite difficult to handle as she wasn’t able to properly express it. So this time we will have an 18 month gap between 2 and 3, as loads of people with smaller age gaps have said that the older one is young enough that they just ignore the baby. And fortunately DD1 is very excited about this baby.

I think if you are particularly sensitive to the fact that you have only one child maybe this isn't the thread for you - it's clear from the title. I often don't open threads that might cause me to feel upset.

I always wanted two. 2.5 year age gap but I went from one to three!

I have 4. It was a nice 3 year gap between my son and daughter and then there is only 15 months between my middle girls. It was quite hard but so easy in that they shared so many things and did activities together. I left it 5 years till I had my last daughter and it is too big a gap. The family want to go more teen things now but we are also catering for a 5 year old.
If I had my time again I would have been younger and all done in 5 years.
Saying that it's hard running a home with 4 and being a teacher but I think the benefits out way the cons.

I didnt want another straight away, my first was a terrible sleeper and I had a difficult labour with him. I thought it sounded nice to have an only child and focus on them. Fast forward 18 months and I got really broody again! There is a 2yr 9m gap between my 2 boys and having a 2nd really was the best thing we ever did. Its amazing watching them interact, the youngest worships his big brother! They are now 3 and 5 and they play together a lot which has freed me up to do other things like housework and studying. Its been a good age gap so far too. When my 2nd arrived, my eldest was a little bit independant and could be left watching telly while I put baby to nap. Only 1 in nappies, eldest could feed and dress himself while I fed baby.

I had four DC 7 and under. Did not plan that beforehand but once I had one, knew I “wasn’t done”. Fell pregnant unexpectedly with no 5 when no 4 was about 11 months but had miscarriage, and always felt guilty as I knew I hadn’t planned it and I was older and worried how I would cope, but in the end accepted the miscarriage was not my fault and husband then got sterilised. My DC are so close, even as adults, youngest is 17. It was hard work when they were young but have never regretted it.

Didnt want my child to be a obly child, wanted them close together (22 months is the gap) so they would have a playmate and a fun childhood together

They are 4 & 6 now and best friends - well most of the time

It was the right decision for us although I found the first 5 years tough it's easier now.