If your parents divorced

[FallgriefsGirlfriendsCats]

Did it really ruin your childhood?

No. They should never have married.

The arguments were bad. The emotional abuse from my mother was bad. But the divorce had catastrophic consequences because it dragged on for several year. My Mum lost all three of her teen kids because of her behaviour and consequently access to 7 grandchildren. It's been 30 years and we lost our Mum. The Mum we knew and loved (despite the emotional abuse) changed beyond repair.

No.

They should have done it earlier. Much earlier.

My parents argued for a good few years before they split up. Once they split up it was worse. There was shouting at drop offs and I was always in the middle trying to please them both.

My dad then moved a few hours away and had more children. I didn’t get to see him much, only a few days in school holidays. Once I became about 18 I wanted to be out with my friends so didn’t want to visit him much anymore. We drifted apart.

I am now 40 with my own family. We just send christmas and birthday presents. Sometimes I visit him for a few days in the summer and I find it hurtful even to this day to see how much he does for my half sister and brother who are now in their 20,s. Paying for driving lessons, helping them with university fees, paying for my half sisters wedding. Being there for them for little things on a day to day basis. He hasn’t done the same for me. That’s what has hurt me the most.

Their divorce didn't ruin it. Their choices of partners after did

@Tillyscoutsmum

Their divorce didn't ruin it. Their choices of partners after did

This is often the key thing. Have another relationship if you wish but don't involve your children in it. If you do that, and don't force step parents or "blended families" on them, and behave like an adult so that you can still co-parent effectively with your ex and be amicable, then the children are highly likely to be ok.

Especially if you are a single woman with children, one of the most dangerous things you can do to them is to move a male partner into their home. They've been through enough already if their parents have separated. Keep your love life to yourself and let them have a stable home with only family members.

@MagentaGiraffe

Especially if you are a single woman with children, one of the most dangerous things you can do to them is to move a male partner into their home. They've been through enough already if their parents have separated. Keep your love life to yourself and let them have a stable home with only family members.

I'm a divorced single mum and absolutely agree with this. I don't want a serious relationship and any dating/FWB I've had has been kept away from DS.

It wasn’t so much the divorce but the fallout afterwards. My father just got on with things, but my mother was a complete nightmare. It was like a bloody bomb going off in my life at a time when I needed to feel secure. Basically I no longer felt comfortable in my own home once my father had a new partner and being around my mother was so excruciating (she constantly cried and leaned on me emotionally). I don’t think I have ever fully recovered. I still don’t feel at home anywhere, even though I have.my own home. Something just broke.

Yes. My mum always said she would have stayed married but my dad didn't want a second child. I still feel guilty and i am now 63. Btw he went on to father 5 more children

Yes.

Nope. Didn't have much of an impact at all, really.

My best friend's parents divorced at the same time and we were very bemused why teachers kept tilty-head asking us if we were okay at school (we were 10).

No they didn't ruin my childhood but looking back now as an adult and a parent myself they did make mistakes. The main one being my Dad slagging my Mum off to me throughout my whole childhood. Tbf to my Mum she never spoke badly about him but when my step mum stopped speaking to her when I was 9 she blamed that on me and said it must be something I have said to her to make her stop speaking to her when I hadn't. I wanted my Dad and Step mum to like my Mum so badly, in reality my step Mum is just extremely cut throat and cuts people off for little to no reason (her latest victim being my Aunty because she has depression!). I think they could have sheltered me from a lot of their disagreements and issues with each other but didn't and that did effect me.

There’s good and bad ways to go about it. My mum told me she was leaving my dad the day before my first gcse exam but made me keep it a secret until I had finished my exams...

My parents divorce was the best thing for all of us, them staying together years longer than they should have done had a more negative effect on us than the divorce.

No! Not at all. Must be how the parents deal with it i had a happy childhood.

Yes

No, because they divorced when I was 34, it was hard but it ruined approximately a year and a half of my life. I had some counseling, I dealt with it and I'm getting on with things now. I can't imagine what effect it would have had if I was a child

In all honesty, the parents whose inability to separate and divorce in a manner that didn't fuck up their kids' lives would almost certainly have done the same had they stayed together.

Toxic relationships are bad for kids. That's true whether the parents are together unhappily or apart acrimoniously.

My parents would have screwed us up just as much if they'd stayed together. Instead they decided on a parental alienation war to take revenge on each other for everything and a divorce drawn out over more than a decade. They'd have been just as dreadful in the same house, albeit in slightly different ways.

A very mixed bag and definitely food for thought for me as I'm in the very early stages of separating.

My DC aren't aware yet as life for now is as normal and we're still all under one roof. They're 4 & 5 so hopefully being young will work in their favour. I absolutely agonized about pulling the plug and have wanted to do so since the youngest was a newborn but I was so worried about the effect on them I couldn't and tried to make the best of things as there was no infidelity/abuse just major incompatibility with a healthy dose of sexism thrown in.

However, I'm miserable and that is definitely having an impact on them as I'm irritable, snappy and impatient as I'm so stressed about the situation. Who knows if divorce will alleviate this but I strongly suspect it will help.

My parents also divorced but I was in my late teens. They were also another pair that should have done it much earlier as he was an abusive arsehole. We told my mum to get rid of him after years of hostility in the house. She finally did and it was definitely awkward/embarrassing for a few years during graduations and weddings etc but I'm NC with him now and I much prefer it this way.

No it improved it. They split when I was nearly 14.