If your parents divorced

[FallgriefsGirlfriendsCats]

Did it really ruin your childhood?

It didnt ruin it. It changed from what I'd known previously.
We moved to a smaller house, i had to share a room With my sister, my mum was happier.

Yes and no. I don't think it would have been better if they'd stayed together. They both have strong narc traits. I guess the difference is once my dad was gone DM turned that on me, and dragged me through inappropriate situations without anything resembling parenting. I'm nearly 40 with what is probably cptsd. I think it all depends how the divorcing parents handle themselves and whether their focus is on making sure the kids are OK or not.

Yes- it did for me. I was 8 and due to go to junior school a month or two later so it must have been the summer holidays. I ended up having to change schools at short notice.

They divorced because my dad was an alcoholic. My mum isn’t really emotionally available and had several boyfriends after they divorced and we moved. I kept having to visit my dad- despite it being unsafe to do so and my grandparents enabled and minimised all of his drinking/behaviour.

On the whole, I believe that divorce was the right thing but as a child I was lost in it all.

A bit more because my brief comment earlier has brought a lot back.

My parents got married in 1960 when my mother wore an empire style gown and my grandparents rented them a house in another town hours away to reduce the shame of a baby being born 4.5 months later. Mother was a party girl and father a serious, quiet man.

Unusually it was mother who had affairs until my father had one when I was about 11, perfectly reasonably I think and that he was driven to it. But it was the catalyst and in a bitter divorce mother divorced him for adultery. They never spoke again and never spoke well of each other again.

This was when I was 12 and in 1972 and I was the only girl in my class with divorced parents and it was a scandal I our small town. Not least because my mother met a married man and married him as soon as the divorce was through! It was very short lived largelt because within 18 months she met the man who is now my step father and husband 2 went back to his wife.

By the time I was 20 both parents were divorced a second time. I was deeply unhappy in my teenage years but fortunately had wonderful grandparents. I was sent to boarding school for 6th form and spent most of my holidays at grannie's. When I was 18 father got a transfer to the US after his second marriage broke down.

I dropped out of university after a term, did a secretarial course and my grandparents then paid for me to go to Switzerland. When I got back my mother said it would be great if I spent time in London because she and her intended were perfectly happy as a couple. I knew from that point that I would never have any practical support from my parents. I found a flatshare and my grandparents and father helped me buy a flat.

It didn't ruin my life, possibly the reverse because it made me fiercely independent and determined to always have my own stable home and be dependent on nobody financially or emotionally. However it did paralyse me emotionally for many years and I backed away from relationships, I guess until the wounds had healed. I lived on the edge of anorexia in my 20s. I married at 32.

The one lesson it taught me was never ever to mess my children about and I guess the shame of it when it was still shameful made me risk adverse and very traditional in my own life.

Had I been more fragile, not had my grandparents and the advantage of financial stability I am quite sure it would have destroyed me.

Personally, no. I was too young to remember but my mums subsequent relationship was very damaging to us all.

When he was young my ex's dad left a happy home after an affair. Coincidence that my ex did exactly the same 🤔

I do worry how my divorce will affect my daughters.

No not at all. There was no abuse or anything but they separated when I was five and my brother was just a baby.

I think Mum was unhappy with it but made the best of it for us, and my dad seemed so happy with our step mum from day one (still together and still is). So actually it gave us two homes and families and they all put a lot of effort into coparenting and putting us first.

Another one who wishes her parents had separated. They were miserable together and they made our family ‘home’ miserable too. They didn’t model what a healthy relationship looked like so I had to learn those tools myself in my 20’s.

My mother was intensely manipulative and (in hindsight) controlling. She was unboundaried and shared things deliberately to force a divide between my father and I. My father la led the EQ to manage the situation so he absented himself emotionally and turned to drink.

My father has sadly passed away and I am now NC with my mother. If I had had to live with her I’m pretty sure I would have developed a drinking habit too.

Yes.

Very few divorces are civil and the children always pick up on the conflict. It’s the other stuff that comes after divorce, the new partners, new children etc that make it far worse imo.

*lacked

The only good news to come out of the situation is that I am super close to my sibling (and vice versa). Also that through years of counselling I’ve built out my toolkit and have EQ/ skillsets that I am now passing onto my children daily.

My experience has shown me how damaging poor parenting can be and every day I try to be mindful of that and do better by my kids.

My parents divorced when I was a teen and it did cause issues which are still felt today (I'm 33). Won't go into detail.

I think barring abuse it's better to try to work on a marriage if there are children involved. I know that doesn't fit with the 'you need to make sure you're happy' narrative, it's just my opinion.

In a lot of ways yes. But a large part of that was down to how they divorced. Extremely accrimonious, custody battles, using us kids as a go between, the arguments never stopped they just moved to on the phone/in public at handover. Genuinely dreadful.

They should never, ever have married, let alone had 3 children

I once asked my adult dd this question and she just laughed. She can't even remember her dad living with us and then shrugged and said it would have been really sad if we'd not divorced as she wouldn't have grown up with her step dad!
I had literally spent years agonising over what damage may have been done and felt awful that dh & I had spilt our family up.

Thankfully happened quite late into childhood but it did cause some psychological damage for how it happened. But honestly I've found it MUCH harder having divorced parents as an adult than I did as a child.

No. I was 2 when they divorced. No ruined childhood here.

My dad was not a nice man. So I have no relationship with him as an adult.

I don't think it's divorce in itself that affects children. It is how the adults act during the divorce and if they don't make an effort to be amicable.

Their behaviour, drinking, crying, hatred, no money, some violence ruined my childhood. Divorce didn’t

My parents split up when I was a baby and I didn't have any contact with my father until my teenage years.

It didn't 'ruin my childhood' but has affected my friendships and relationships throughout my life.

My mum was very much against me having therapy when I had mental health issues as an adult because, as she said, "they always blame the mother". It wasn't about blame though, just understanding my own feelings.

Divorce is definitely the right thing for many, but it is not sensible to think that your children will not be affected and need some support, at the time and/or in the future.

It was dreadfully upsetting and disruptive at the time, and has had long term consequences that still affect us all now, 40 years later. It has had a major impact on my relationship with my dad. I'd say yes, it did ruin mine and my sisters' childhoods to a degree.

Mine did the whole 'let's stay together til the kids are older'.

Told us they were divorcing within months of me moving out of the family home at sixteen.

So not only did we have to spend years living in a toxic environment where two people didn't want to be together (and we knew. I think kids usually know when their parents are unhappy) but we then had to deal with the guilt of us having caused them to live such a miserable last decade or so.

I don't know that the divorce was particularly easier for us being that bit older either - starting out on your own is a tricky enough time in your life without having to deal with two very bitter parents and having to navigate who to see when without upsetting the other and all that jazz.

A decade down the line they're very different and much nicer and happier people, living very different lives but lives that are 'right' for them. I wish they'd gotten divorced years before they did.

@Littlefluffyclouds13

I once asked my adult dd this question and she just laughed. She can't even remember her dad living with us and then shrugged and said it would have been really sad if we'd not divorced as she wouldn't have grown up with her step dad! I had literally spent years agonising over what damage may have been done and felt awful that dh & I had spilt our family up.

Yes, same here!

DS was 4 months old when his Dad and I separated. I was a lone parent for a couple of years then met his Step Dad when DS was 2. He's now 17, and I've spent his life worrying about the impact it's all had on DS.

I hope he's had a good childhood. We were very lucky that DH has been a fantastic step dad to DS and he still has a relationship with his own dad- albeit not a close one. His Dad has never shown a huge interest, has only ever wanted EOW and nothing else ( he's taken him on one holiday in 17 years) and I worry that DS will blame DH and I for that. We've tried hard to help their relationship. I'll be honest, his Dad is not my favourite person, I always feel DS deserves better, but I've always tried to help them to maintain a relationship.

Now DS is older he has more control over when he sees his Dad, and it isn't frequent - neither of them really bother.

I wish my parents had divorced but as their constant arguing and dysfunctional behaviour was such a habit I'm not sure it would have been any better.

No. Not at all. There was a year that was quite unpleasant while everything settled down again. And they both found really lovely new partners and are happy, which helps. They hate each other though.

It ruined my adolescence. They were ill suited and an amicable divorce when I was younger would have been preferable to my mum's affair and messy divorce in the the middle of my O'Grades. It affected my entire life.

Their divorce didn’t ruin it but their behaviour before and after fucked up my siblings and I good and proper. If the divorce had been the end of their appalling behaviour towards each other and to their children we probably would have got over it all relatively well but they carried on being dicks so we’re all a bit of a mess.

My parents waited to divorce until I was 20. My mother consistently reminds me how she sacrificed her life for me and stayed in a very unhappy marriage. I wish she got divorced when I was a child and I didn't have to listen to regular complaints when I am an adult